| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 2:53:19 PM | yes they do...i have been in a few abusive relationships in my past n they all were the same...
strong traits in them all was they were controlling and get p!ssed when i wanted to do things my way....to this day when i do talk to them the rare time they plead the sob story they were sorry and didn't mean what they did or said...funny how they say it when there alone and no one will put up with it...cause as soon as they are involved with someone new they pull the same BS then do the "sob story" again | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 2:59:07 PM | most abusive people men - women it came from when they were kids ! the alcoholic usually picks a person to help drink - co dependent and such people both sides ofvabuse chose to be with them - eachother , when they go through therapy it usually comes out !we all get what we ask for conciously or SUBCONCIOUSLY !!!! | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 3:08:51 PM | | Yall... yea i understand... i was thinkin more like 84.3 seconds.. but 5 minutes will do... i have smaller windows... | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 3:16:38 PM | | I think it's a behavior that if it's not brought into check ... just gets repeated with each relationship. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 3:39:14 PM | I am not an expert but I don't agree that it is as simple as 'bringing it in to check'. It is pathological & ingrained. The only chance for change is if the abusive type can see that it is not constructive. How often does that happen? Apparently 8% can change.
The point is not to get caught up in such destructive behaviour. Sometimes, however, it is not untill you have experienced it that you will recognise it coming. The signs are always there x | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 3:59:27 PM |
I think it's a behavior that if it's not brought into check ... just gets repeated with each relationship I am not an expert but I don't agree that it is as simple as 'bringing it in to check'. 
I was implying that a person would probably need to get "professional help" when I posted that it needs to be brought into check, because I think that's about the only way a person can bring such a situation into "check".
Most do not generally figure it out by themself. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:05:23 PM |
If they are in denial: No
If they realize the error of their ways and truely feel bad over it: yes
just curious....are you dyslexic??? | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:09:49 PM | If you have the propensity to abuse, you will continue to do it in some form, relationship to relationship, without the intervention of some professional counselling to change the behaviour. Others don't "bring it out in you". That's a cop out.
"she pushes my buttons". You need to get rid of the "buttons". | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:16:33 PM | Yes, I say this only from my own personnal experience!
I have been in two. long term abusive relationships, also, each abusive relationship were two different types.
Relationship one - very physically abusive
Relationship two - mentally, emotionally and psychologically abusive
In each relationship, I had conversations with preivous partners and future partners and all the stories match. What they had done to me that had done to others, before and after me.
A leopard can't change their spots.... | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:19:02 PM | Many abusers are very sexually attractive people. In fact, I think one of the things that may lead them to abuse others is that it's so easy for many of these people to find someone...else....if they get dumped... so it's just not important for these people to concern themselves with the feelings of others. They only have to think of themselves. There's always SOMEONE for them...
I'm not saying all abusers are good looking, or that good looking people are generally abusive or anything like that... but when it's so easy to hook up with people, without any real effort on their part... partners become "cheap"... very inexpensive to them.
Consider rock stars... or hollywood movie stars... with everyone throwing themselves at them. They can do anything they want and there's always someone else waiting for them.
I've known a number of people like this. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:20:41 PM | In a word yes unless they have done some serious therapy they will repeat the pattern. It is not about serious flaws it is more about insecurity, fear, learned behaviour, poor parenting on the part of the abusers parents, control issues, anger issues. and having been abused themselves at one time or another.  | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:37:35 PM | | So I was in one for 2 yrs...almost killed me, meds and self reflection... been 15 months and still question it all.. but i do know who I was going in and who i ended up being coming out and Im happy to be alive... heavy maybe , fo r some .. not for me!! | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:22:01 PM | | Abusive people have many issues to resolve untill they do ,that they will continue to abuse.... abusing makes them feel stronger tempirarely........ after the abuse they realise how sad of a indevidual they trully are............ creating anger all over again .................. over and over and over like a wild roller coaster ride. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:31:05 PM | While abusers do tend to repeat patterns, part of it depends on the enabling allowed by those abused. One can't abuse someone who refuses to be around it, of course that will usually mean kicking them to the curb, but there is the reaction when combined with certain personality types, an abuser may completely change. Sometimes it's just the bad mix of conflicting personalities that bring about bad behavior.
It isn't all that uncommon for someone to be a player, cheat, lie, etc., on partner after partner then meet someone and become as docile as a kitten and totally in love...which leaves those badly treated left to wonder WTF???? But it happens, I wouldn't put any bets on it and wouldn't stay with an abuser myself, but it does happen. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/7/2008 2:00:49 AM | Sorry Cotter I didn't mean to undermine you. I was married to an emotionally, verbally, financially and psycologically abusive man - he also showed very clear tendencies to be violent. Apparently, the more intelligent abuser avoids physical harm which would expose him to others outside the abusive relationship. Once they are exposed there is nowhere for them to go.
It is an incredible experience, Gary, and I still find myself recovering after two years. I still shake my head and say did that really happen.. did I really let that happen? Of course, an abusive personality can be fascinating and manipulative which holds us.
My strategy moving forward is to avoid anyone with any red flags on their head. My concern is getting involved with an apparently remarkable individual who later turns out to be abusive. However, I think once you have experienced this you see it a mile off. It is only on reflection that I can see that this relationship was mega - abusive. I spent so much time trying to work out why he behaved as he did, tried to help - one trait is that they make us feel responsible.
I too had to puge myself with counselling, research etc. There are some really great support networks out there and this was a big life lesson. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:30:30 PM | OP, I am not looking for pitty but I was with an abuser, emotionally and sexually and was breaching on physical abuse before I got out but every time we'd get back together the abuse just got worse and I was with him from 16 - 18 and he put me through the ringer, after two years of therapy and four years not dating, I'm giving it another shot but let me tell ya, being with an abuser changes you for life.
It is totally a cycle and it all starts with that "honeymoon" stage and right after it gets really bad it will go right back to that stage and I think that's one way abusers are able to continue doing it because they aren't stopped because they do have their good days.
Hope that related to your topic. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/8/2008 7:50:05 PM | Yes...unless they realize what they are doing, take responsibility and put serious, devoted effort into making a change within themselves. But I believe that most people who abuse feel as though they are not being respected or that for some reason the people they abuse "asked for it" "deserved it" drove them to it" "needed it" or even (hah!) "liked it".
They create in their minds all kinds of scenarios to justifiy the abusive behavior, and will repeat these false stories over and over to any possible audience as to how messed up, mean, dysfunctional, etc, their victim is...just listen to them. They will say "she nagged me to death but I just put up with it for so many years until I couldn't take it anymore" or "she has a loser background and didn't know how to treat a decent man like me" or "she was just so stupid and wouldn't listen to me".
Reverse the genders if necessary...hey, I'm a woman so I'm going to write from my persective...but if someone says these things about more than one person in their background it could mean maybe they did hook up with a few unsuitable people and have finally learned a lesson or maybe they are just creating backstories to justify their own abusive behavior or maybe it means nothing at all.
It is very hard but people can change, and you can give someone a chance and be cautious and observant as to how they treat you... | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:33:25 PM | They don't just repeat the patterns... they live it.
But in their minds they are not the abusers, they're the victims. Everyone is wrong and going against them. Sometimes its just one person ... the one closest to them. And they have a need to control and raise the stakes.
It's nothing original. There are patterns that you can find in an abuser that are classic. They only way to end the cycle is if the abuser sees himself for who he is, and take steps. But thats difficult. Sometimes it can take a tragedy or rock bottom to see through it. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:05:38 PM | Do abusers repeat there patterns?
Until the “abuser” accept responsibility and accountability for their actions. The answer will always be yes. Until the abuser understand why the need to hurt anyone and come to understand the cycle of abuse. This pattern will recycle over and over again. Most abuser’s blame others, society and addiction for the abuse. Most abuser’s also stop their abuse (physical) but then only channel it in other way which is still abusive but non-combative such as emotional and mental abuse. Until acceptations and accountability of personal responsibility is accepted then they seek therapy for help and understanding in this cycle of violence will it ever end.... | |
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isoU
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 47 | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:12:38 PM | Abusers are very damaged people who are in a lot of emotional pain and have a lot of self hatred.
Because they dislike themselves (and are unaware of it) they can never "love" anyone.
The more they abuse, the more reasons to dislike themselves, the more denial, the more they hurt others. That's why abuse is called a cycle.
And you can't give what you don't have.
They treat ALL people the way they were once treated (most abusers were abused as children), without fail. There is no exception, unless they are with a co-abuser and then what happens is both people TAKE TURNS abusing one another. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:15:11 PM | | Unless they get therapy and understand where their issues are coming from and addres them, in the majority of cases, yes, they will repeat the behaviors. It doesn't matter who their partner is as it's not their partner's issues, it's theirs. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:21:29 PM |
Is it more an incompatibility between to certain people or do these people have a serious flaw that they carry from relationship to relationship
Its called Borderline Personality Disorder. Its the nature of the beast. And a serious flaw no matter who the other personality is - they will always do what their nature makes them do.
RUN! theres plenty enough normal people out there. | |
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