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 AUTHOR
 July Morning
Joined: 5/21/2008
Msg: 26
SettlingPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
"9 would mean teeth and a job right?"

Nine teeth, both on the left and on the right.

I could easily get a job if I could fulfil qualifications like that.
 vosche
Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 27
Settling
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:34:03 AM
dont ever settle...if you feel like you're settling, you'll never be happy and be short changing the other person when that whole time you and the other person could have already been with someone that wants them completely and not feeling as if they've settled! it creates loss time none involved will ever be able to get back as well as resentment of the other person...
 jcrew617
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 28
Settling
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:47:26 PM
I read the article and maybe the author's mindset is warped because she lives in NYC and can afford to be a single working woman until her 40's. But in reality, I think most girls really want to get married between 25-35 at least before they lose their looks. I think most girls consider settling at age 30 and not at age 40. They want to have a marriage or have kids even if the guy is not right - and then if the guy is the wrong guy, they get a quicky divorce which is the norm for starter marriages these days before they have the baggage of kids. I just thought the article was a reflection of desperation of the author.

Sure most married women gossip and complain about their husbands, but that is just venting and most people like being married and trying to make a marriage work because it brings stability to life and a greater stability if you have kids.

Basically I believe that marriage is basically to have children and is a govt enforced certificate to make sure that the Dads don't run off and cheat on their wives and abandon the kids.

But if a woman or man doesn't want to have children, then they should remain single if they are happy and enjoy their freedom from being responsible to wife or kids.
 thatswhatshesaid
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 29
Settling
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:15:06 PM
^^^Who would get married BEFORE they lost their looks?
 MajorThomas
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Settling
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:36:27 PM
ya, i've gotten less picky as time goes on. At first I would only date women who:

1. made more then 100k a year
2. a graduate degree or higher
3. kept her self fit and healthy
4. had passions/interest in her life other then shopping.
5. Had good values.

Now ill just settle for someone who smells good.
 jcrew617
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 31
Settling
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:42:54 PM

Who would get married BEFORE they lost their looks


If a woman wants to have kids or keep a wealthy guy. Everyone also gets heavier as we age.

Its very difficult to have your first child after 40 for a woman.

Ironically, I think that older woman over 40 have less reason to settle because they might have kids already or be divorced or they have successful careers. If these older woman, or cougars as they are affectionally called can have a man who may not be as financially successful but may be good looking.

Also, I think it is very difficult to find someone "who has it all" because they are often divergent traits. If someone has a good job, he may not have time to have a relationship or be affectionate. But a wealthy guy may find a trophy wife appealing because she is both good looking and has time to meet his needs and his goals without being distracted by her own career.

Its up to each man or woman what they are willing to give up or compromise in a relationship because a woman may want the perfect guy, but it may require sacrifices that she has to make. I would say this is a good analogy with SATC where Charlotte and Miranda both married men who were not their ideal career or in looks, but they were stable men who were committed to the relationship; but Mr Big was always selfish twice-divorced and could never fully commit to Carry.

Its up to each woman to make the decision to be happy with someone or to be happy single.
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 3/25/2008
Msg: 32
Settling
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:52:02 PM
lots of people on here think settling is wrong for everyone and that's just not true. lots of men and women on all dating sites are looking for an unattainable mate. for folks like me who can get along with just about everyone, settling is just another option. unless you do not like to dance! then no thanks!!
 GaRebel
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 33
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History
Settling
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:57:17 PM
I'm now where I've been in my life and I feel like I've settled before. I won't settle again.
 actualizing
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 34
Settling
Posted: 6/9/2008 6:13:48 PM
We have more choices these days so of course we will not "settle" for an arrangement that requires that we give up some ideals like happiness and freedom; two concepts that did not figure predominantly into marriage for those who lived without technology fifty or sixty years ago, for other reasons than just not having computers.

Once again I find myself agreeing with mthomjmark. If our concept of relationship is what we want in a partner rather than what we bring to the table, then the idea of "settle" would probably be a main consideration.

I have always considered the term to mean marrying someone because they can provide security regardless of whether there is any compatibility for the mostpart. I have never heard it to mean settling for a 9/10. To me, that is another one of those "Sex in the City" definitions that I really find is unfair to both sexes.
 life_of_leisure
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 35
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Settling
Posted: 6/10/2008 9:20:22 AM

But for those who can't be bothered reading the whole thing the general gist is that the writer, Laurie Gottlieb, figures that women are too choosey about men nowadays and it's this fact that leaves lots of women entering their thirties and forties unmarried.

I think there's a lot more going on than just that. It seems many women aren't picky enough when their value on the dating/mating market is highest -- i.e., in their late teens and twenties. Many seem to have a real knack for choosing losers and abusers and players and all the rest, as we so often hear about around here.

Then, when they get into their low or mid 30's (and frequently after the addition of several kids) they swing to the opposite extreme and get entirely unrealistic in an off-the-scale sort of way, just when their value to men drops to the low single digits. They still expect men to pursue them approximately the way they did in high school, as if our dating customs are a birth right of their sex rather than something which has to do with their value to the opposite sex. Then they complain that it's men who haven't grown up or changed. It's no wonder the singles sites are crowded with the surplus of women in their upper 30's to mid 50's who no one much wants, except maybe for a cheap/easy fling.

Lots of women these days also are squandering their high mate value years having short term hook-ups, or otherwise keeping guys away entirely, while doing the education/career thing. Then when they get into their thirties and decide now's the time to get married and start a family they expect some chump to step up and play the suitor/sperm-donor/daddy/hubby role for the last third (and least valuable part) of their reproductive lives.

So it's not just about women being too choosy. Many seem to not understand what's going on, how things work, and so they do it all wrong. By the time they start to figure out bits and pieces of it, it doesn't matter.


Do you, especially the older members here, think that perhaps you've had a Mr/Miss 9/10 who you regret letting go of now that the years are ticking on and do you feel that moreso if you're without children?

No.


Are we a bit naive to think that marriage is about more than that small, mundane and often boring not-for-profit business?

Well, just like our presidential campaigns are almost entirely superfluous in selecting someone who'd be a good leader for the country, our dating customs have little to do with matching people up who would be good marriage partners. If anything, the romance/chemistry approach we now seem to rely on guarantees that relationships will be relatively short lived -- on the order of several years, maybe 5-7 max. Hence the high divorce rate, which wouldn't be a problem if it weren't so costly, typically to the man.
 Golconda
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 36
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Settling
Posted: 6/10/2008 4:04:36 PM

It's no wonder the singles sites are crowded with the surplus of women in their upper 30's to mid 50's who no one much wants, except maybe for a cheap/easy fling.


I haven't seen that at all. The women in their upper 30's to mid 50's that I've talked with generally say that there are plenty of single men that want to go out with them. The surplus of women seems to start in the upper 50's and above. Once they get into the 60's and 70's there are far more single women than single men.
 jcrew617
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 37
Settling
Posted: 6/10/2008 5:43:01 PM
Do women still fear that they will be replaced by younger, thinner girls?

Its fine to not settle and if a woman has a career and is happily single then that's more power to them. There are a lot of dating sites now with Cougar, older woman who are not afraid to take charge and date younger men.

But at the same time, men over 30 will more likely find younger girls more attractive and more available.

Nowadays, you don't really have to get married unless you are marrying up in money, or want children.
 lancelotseekingguinevere
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 38
Settling
Posted: 6/10/2008 5:52:48 PM
I have always settled in the past and a few years ago i decided that never again. Not even so much as a date in 3 years because I need someone to spark me to get my interest. Only a few days ago I think I may have found her in Nanaimo because i cant get her out of my head day or night. This has never happened before so I assume it is a good thing. That brings up another question, how do you know if it is love or not.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 39
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Settling
Posted: 6/10/2008 7:55:29 PM
If you feel like you're "settling" with someone, that relationship is going to be doomed, I think. What will likely happen with me is that I will make all sorts of concessions on my "ideal" and fall for someone human and flawed (as opposed to alien and perfect?) but I won't FEEL like I'm settling. I'll think the world of them if they are cute, bright, sweet and sincere, and feel the passion, and the rest is just gravy.
 nemonucliosis
Joined: 1/1/2008
Msg: 40
Settling
Posted: 6/10/2008 8:22:30 PM
Its funny to hear people say they don't want to settle for second best, they want a 12/10 that makes them weak at the knees. There are too many people with this high expectation of what they're worth in their own eyes, that they're letting quality people walk right by them. I've read so many posts about how someone is too clingy, but wonder why the person of their dreams won't give them the attention they deserver. Then there's the requirements: I won't date anyone who can't spell or doesn't know how to use grammar. I don't want to date them because they are overweight, they have blond hair, they have no hair, their too tall, their nose is funny looking, I don't like their smile etc etc

Give me a break! Are we adults or are we five? You can rant and rave about what your personal preference are, that you don't feel you have to settle for less, that your happy being single but just on here to see whats out there. Whatever. It's one thing to be with someone for the simple reason of being with someone, than I agree you shouldn't just "settle" But if you find someone that's a good fit for you, why keep searching for one that's just a little bit better than the next?



9 would mean teeth and a job right?
No sugar plum 9 just means he has a job. Ten is if he comes with a tooth

Let the bashing begin!
 Re-animator
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 41
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Settling
Posted: 6/11/2008 5:34:42 AM
I don't think anyone should 'settle'. BUT, and that's a big but, many people have too many criteria that they expect their prospective mate to meet. A few things is fine; everyone has those. But you read some of those lists women have on who can email them, and you get a pretty good idea that you'd have to be Mr. Perfect to please her to begin with, and eventually she's going to find something about you that pisses her off anyway. Me, I want a skinny girl, long straight hair, who's nice to me. Smarts, unimportant, just try, and be able to learn. Height, unimportant. Beauty, unimportant. Hygiene, well, yeah, that's kind of important. Job, unimportant as long as she kinda has one. Wants kids, unimportant. Has kids, also unimportant. Has lunatic ex with a gun, well, hmmm that could be a problem. I could go on, but you get the idea.

Mostly, eliminate the things that turn you off, you don't want, or truly can't stand. Everything else is negotiable.


it's no wonder the singles sites are crowded with the surplus of women in their upper 30's to mid 50's who no one much wants, except maybe for a cheap/easy fling.

the response was:
I haven't seen that at all. The women in their upper 30's to mid 50's that I've talked with generally say that there are plenty of single men that want to go out with them.

I haven't found that to be the case at all. But the vast majority of women that complain there aren't any men asking them out, pretty much have given up trying when it comes to the looks area. Nearly every one of them is way overweight, cut her hair short or doesn't take care of it, and is one of those 'like me as I am' people who make no effort to improve themselves. The middle aged women who get the dates are the ones who, like every other area of life, 'try harder' than the next woman to be what a guy wants. Just like the guys who get the dates are those of us who try harder to be what women want. Marketing, it's all marketing.
 xxfoxyredxx
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 42
Settling
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:36:27 AM
Very interesting post and something I have given thought to!

Im 33 and single with no kids. I was brought up in a house where it was drummed into me love isnt a fairytale. Now dont get me wrong my parents were together 35 years until my Dad past away and my parents were really happy but my Mum always said to me that love isnt the like the movies! Mum said that even on her wedding day although she loved my Dad she wasnt sure she was doing the right thing and always had her head ruling her heart.

For me growng up I was a bit confused and think that instead of searchin for a 'perfect man' I thought every relationship had a future and I had to make the relationships work cos effectively you could achieve that with anyone. Mum used to blame me for relationships not working and having high expectations. Never mind the fact that theguys I dated were losers! I think maybe my Mum gave me low self esteem through her beliefs , unintentionally.

So the reason I am single at coming up for 34? Well its because Ive wasted alot of time. Stayed in relatiosnhips and worked hard at them when I shouldnt have and occasionally deserved alot better. I didnt wat to 'fail' another one.

Sure there is no such thing as perfection and yes I do believe relationships take work but I think we owe it t ourselves to be choosy. Not anyone will do in our lives. At the same time though you have to realise no one is perfect!
 Golconda
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 43
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History
Settling
Posted: 6/11/2008 1:14:15 PM

The middle aged women who get the dates are the ones who, like every other area of life, 'try harder' than the next woman to be what a guy wants. Just like the guys who get the dates are those of us who try harder to be what women want.


I've seen that too. The middle aged and above women that get dates take care of their appearance and also have good social skills and a positive attitude.
 testlogin
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 44
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History
Settling
Posted: 6/11/2008 1:34:24 PM
The problem is that a lot of women (and men) think that they deserve someone who is, in reality, way out of their league. I have been on dates with some professional-type women in their early 30s who are clearly starting to show their age, yet they are probably even more demanding, jaded, bossy, and picky now that they were in their 20s. Who wants to put up with someone like that? I really question what women like this think they bring to the table in a relationship.

I know that article is directed toward women, but beleive me, men don't want to settle either.
 testlogin
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 45
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History
Settling
Posted: 6/11/2008 1:40:43 PM

I think there's a lot more going on than just that. It seems many women aren't picky enough when their value on the dating/mating market is highest -- i.e., in their late teens and twenties. Many seem to have a real knack for choosing losers and abusers and players and all the rest, as we so often hear about around here.

Then, when they get into their low or mid 30's (and frequently after the addition of several kids) they swing to the opposite extreme and get entirely unrealistic in an off-the-scale sort of way, just when their value to men drops to the low single digits. They still expect men to pursue them approximately the way they did in high school, as if our dating customs are a birth right of their sex rather than something which has to do with their value to the opposite sex. Then they complain that it's men who haven't grown up or changed. It's no wonder the singles sites are crowded with the surplus of women in their upper 30's to mid 50's who no one much wants, except maybe for a cheap/easy fling.

Lots of women these days also are squandering their high mate value years having short term hook-ups, or otherwise keeping guys away entirely, while doing the education/career thing. Then when they get into their thirties and decide now's the time to get married and start a family they expect some chump to step up and play the suitor/sperm-donor/daddy/hubby role for the last third (and least valuable part) of their reproductive lives.


I agree 100%!
 jcrew617
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 46
Settling
Posted: 6/11/2008 3:42:10 PM
What is settling exactly? Because I think it is different for each person. Some people value a nice or smart personality. Others place higher value on looks. I think most guys care about looks, but also don't want an annoying personality.

I'm curious about older women and what they really want - is it a good looking guy or a wealthy successful guy because there can be drawbacks to both in money and affection.
 Hanee
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 47
Settling
Posted: 6/11/2008 5:56:28 PM
Never settle!!! It will not last! To live your life with no regrets shoot for your stars...you will recognize it when you see it. If you must ponder the idea of , " Is he the right one"...keep looking.
 Jeep Mama
Joined: 12/15/2007
Msg: 48
Settling
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:19:55 PM
I think settling means that you didn't find what you wanted and settled for maybe something that was close to what you wanted. I think that would still leave a longing and emptiness. You have to find the right mix of things to bring you the happiness that you want.
 Golconda
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 49
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History
Settling
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:43:19 AM

I think settling means that you didn't find what you wanted and settled for maybe something that was close to what you wanted. I think that would still leave a longing and emptiness.


It seems that some people have unrealistic ideas of what they want. I know one woman who is perpetually single because her list of wants is so incredibly limiting that she will probably never find a perfect match. She's had men interested in her but she rejects every one. In the end I wonder if she will feel a longing and emptiness for not having been more realistic?
 Jeep Mama
Joined: 12/15/2007
Msg: 50
Settling
Posted: 6/15/2008 3:57:44 PM
I guess it depends on the woman, but I think one man who is into you is better than a new man every week.
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