~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 51 | |
| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:47:49 PM | Ask yourself this question: Do you ever find yourself being bitter about someone or something and need someone to talk to about it? If you're normal, the answer should be: Yes. Do you talk about it 24/7/365? If you answer YES, then your a psycho!
Think about it.
Okay...I thought about it...and my answer is No.
And frankly...Im not interested in listening to perfect strangers on the net whine about their ex's either.
Im certainly not interested in listening to anyone I get involved with piss and moan about how hard done by they are cos there's two sides to every story.
And if you cant accept responsibility for your part in a situation...without being angry and acting like a victim...I dont give a shit.
Go to therapy or talk to friends.
People are bitter because there's unresolved issues...its perfectly normal...but its not even remotely the crap you take forward into a new relationship cos until you do...you shouldnt be in one.
People expect everybody else to magically "fix" things for them...or be sooooo understanding so that they "get" you. Well ...what if "getting" you...means they think you've behaved and are acting like a fricken child throwing a tantrum rather than patting your head, agreeing with you and enabling ridiculous behavior.
Doesnt mean there's anything wrong with them...it means...thats exactly what you're doing.
Edit: to below
Wow, you just met, he's bitter, you are busy laughing at and calling a women you don't know, a woman he loved enough to marry, an old hag,
Daynadaze is absolutely correct.
Thats like fricken grade school behavior. You have nfi what happened and wanna jump up and down stickin the boot in someone you dont even know?
He should have sense enough not to include you in it. FFS.
And you should have enough sense to stay outta it.
If this whole thing blows up in your face OP...you're gonna look like a complete idiot. Moreso, to be exact. | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:51:22 PM | Wow, you just met, he's bitter, you are busy laughing at and calling a women you don't know, a woman he loved enough to marry, an old hag, and you are both calling a first meeting a relationship. I think you've found each other! A perfect match, you couldn't have found a more perfect soul mate.  | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 2:38:25 PM | Wolf (and others) have it right -- involvement with the ex ("oh, we're such good friends now," and "the divorce really allowed us to become friends again") is a black hole to forming a new, truly exclusive and intensely intimate (emotional especially) relationship/bond with someone else.
Kentucky Angel said it most succinctly:
[ ... ] when you divorce someone that it is OVER! No more "having coffee, talking on the phone, and visiting each other.
To that I would add: I've found, IME, that even when the split is handled maturely and "amicably", there tends to be a gradual and natural tapering off of such "us" activities after you've separated, and certainly when you've gotten the paperwork completed for the divorce -- leading to no contact at all, save for the absolutely necessary (i.e. "I realized you still have the key to my grandfather's safe deposit box on your keyring" and such). If such a tapering off doesn't occur, I have to really wonder if the person's involved will ever be able to deeply pair bond again. Why maintain such a close friendship after the divorce, when the most intimate parts of the relationship failed? To me, that's like saying, you know this fish we bought at the market is ripe and rotten and really stinking, but now that we've realized we need to throw out the fish, let's keep it freeze dried so we can enjoy looking at it every now and then, after all we'll always have our memories of when it was a healthy fish ready for grillin'!"
Just as I'm concerned with too much involvement with or from the ex, I'd have the same concern for someone who harbors bitterness, for any reason (she shafted you, kid issues, etc.). There is an appropriate time and place to vent that bitterness, but if you're still nursing it, something broken needs to be fixed.
Way to go, Kyn! Great post.  | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 2:43:35 PM | I was in the same situation for 6 months and that bitterness was NOT the case... He is now with her, So much for my lack of concern... BEWARE!!!!  | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 3:14:17 PM |
I met a wonderful man 2 nights ago. He liked me and we hit it off at first site, but he told me he is bitter with his ex wife...He went on to say that he had no feelings left for her at all. I just have some concern about the bitterness, and fear that in the future this "bitterness" will become an issue. I just wondered what your take is on this.
Picture in your mind a volcano in its dormant phase. Very serene looking isn't it? Yet beneath that volcano there's activity going on that doesn't show for quite some time - sometimes decades and then some. This bitterness crap he's feeding you is the smoke of a volcano coming out of its dormant phase. The blame he is spewing out on his ex-wife is his smoke and his lava will be pouring out when he turns that around on you. It's not a question of IF, but a matter of WHEN.
My take is head for the nearest exit - gracefully. His bitterness already is an issue or you wouldn't be concerned about it enough to ask for opinions about it. Your internal radar is trying to speak to you - listen to what it's saying.
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 3:35:33 PM | I don't think having him admit to being bitter at his ex means he still loves her or not... that's not the important thing, really.
If he is still angry at her, he probably does not think he did anything wrong -- doesn't see his part in the break up and feels the victim.
That's the bad part.
Bitterness, to me, means they haven't learned anything and they have no desire to look at themselves.
Pretty soon, he'll be pointing his finger at you when things don't go his way. | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 3:45:17 PM | | Yes, and be careful for the lost baggage too. If he is bitter he is definately still emotionally attached to his ex wife, but not in a positive way. You can help him by guiding him to a counsellor or at least by gently suggesting he find peace with her so that he can be free to have a healthy realtionship with you. Act. | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 3:53:47 PM |
You can help him by guiding him to a counsellor or at least by gently suggesting he find peace with her so that he can be free to have a healthy realtionship with you.
I disgree. It is not the OPoster's responsibility or ownership to help this man. It's that man's responsibility to help himself. The suggestion quoted, IMO, is enabling behavior. That in effect is suggesting that the OPoster take a rescuer approach with this man. There's enough dysfunction in relationships already without fostering it further. JMHO | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 3:58:05 PM | I wouldnt start a relationship with someone still hostile with ex...again. The point is bitterness is still an emotional attatchment to someone else. Alot of people use this as fuel to power themselves with.
I lived with someone very hostile towards his ex wife and he would set out to destroy her as often as he could and cause problems for her. It comes down to this. With these feelings how can he be so bitter towards her and then be happy with you. It casts a shadow over his future with you.
I wouldnt go there under any circumstances. Hes showing her emotion which takes away what he can give to you. Your going to this with your eyes wide open, its all your choice x | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 4:54:18 PM | My late fiance was quite bitter toward his lying, cheating, POS ( piece of s_ _ t) ex-wife when we first got together ( with very many good reasons) . I could see how it was just eating him up inside and hurting him ( and our relationship), not her. I sat down with him and explained that if he had that much bitterness in his heart towards her then how could there be room in his heart to be able to love me and that it hurt me to see him so consumed with bitterness. He soon let go of it because he saw my point and it was never an issue after that.
Perhaps you can talk to him and approach it from the point of view that it upsets you to see him still in pain and rage over it. His bitterness towards her isn't hurting her, it's only hurting him and your potential relationship. He is allowing her to continue to hurt him by holding on the this bitterness and keeping him from moving on to his happiness.
The best thing he can do is to let go and see that if not for his ex's horrible deeds that you and he would not have met up and does he wish to continue to let her destroy his present and future happiness. That approach worked for us and we both came to be thankful for the rotten people that out ex's were because it ultimately led to us meeting and having the few years of happiness that we had before he died. Best of luck. | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:00:51 PM | | Bitterness indicates that he's got unfinished business with his ex (emotional). I'd say this guy has a lot of baggage. You may have enjoyed your first meet & greet, but tread carefully with this guy. He's not good relationship material until he's over the anger/bitterness/hurt with his ex. | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:24:12 PM |
If he is still angry at her, he probably does not think he did anything wrong -- doesn't see his part in the break up and feels the victim.
Many people make the assumption that bitterness is a result of the breakup or some faded love connection. I also read in a few posts that 'he makes her life miserable'. What if neither is the case and/or it's the other way around? What if we are talking about a criminal here who repeatedly defrauds you? I had to enroll in "Lifelock" for damage control over two years after the divorce, and the police did not do diddledeesquat. Please be careful with generalizations. Also, just because I am bitter towards ONE person does not mean it affects new relationships, although I will cancel a date on short notice, if my son really needs me!
'nuff said, I see your point on emotional bitterness, but there can be other forms. Just FYI, I would not forgive a rapist or a child molester either, and I am sure some people will still argue that it is "never just one person's fault". | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 6:11:47 PM | I had one response on here from an older lady that is way too serious! Lighten up, lady. You know who are! I was only wanting opinions on bitterness, so everyone that gave me sound advice, I greatly appreciate it. That lady knows how to bring out the  in me. lol. Peace everybody. | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 6:58:00 PM | Ok so if he had no feelings for her at all,then why the bitterness?No feelings at all would mean that there is NO bitterness.I was once bitter about my ex wife,but now I don't even talk about or think of her at all anymore,unless I happen to trhink how happy I am now without her,so I would have no bitterness.Sounds like he still harbors bitterness and you may hear about just how bitter he is with his ex all the time,watch out! | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 7:31:34 PM | | The bottom line is you are going to do what you want to do, and our opinions don't mean squat. I'm curious though, did you post this thread because you actually wanted advice, or did you post it because you knew he'd read it and then he'd bring it up to talk about it with you? | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 7:45:14 PM | i think we all have an ex or two that we aren't thrilled with at some point. I find I forget them over time, i can barely remember some of my relationships from college. I don't mention them to anyone I'm dating, it's nothing they need to worry about.
That he's expressing his anger towards his ex to a woman he just met shows poor judgment, maybe a preoccupation. If they have on going custody or financial disagreements this might be why. At least he's not talking about how wonderful she is... | |
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| Does bitterness mean he still cares for ex?
Posted: 6/9/2008 7:52:19 PM | Sounds like something that could linger. If you were talking about it within the first couple of days, you could be talking about it forever.
I dated this girl in high school and while her parents had been seperated for years, they still lived to bad mouth each other.
There's a song by Slade I think you should listen to, while the lyrics don't really relate, the title should.
Kind Regards:-) | |
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