| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 12:29:26 PM | Edd P, you state you have every right to not respond to a three-line profile because you hate them, yet someone who hates your well-thought out email is being rude by not responding. How convenient.  | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 12:29:30 PM | | Oh dear lord, if you are chitcatting with someone a few times, and they fall away, do they really owe you an explanation? This is ridiculous! They hardly know you! Why would anyone be obligated to pander to someone's feeling of inadequacy? And why the need for "closure" after a few casual messages? I would just assume the person is busy, has lost interest, has found someone more interesting, or some combination of those. Why would anyone take that personally unless they felt that person was their last bastion of hope to cling to? That reeks of desperation. | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 12:33:06 PM | Classyfied Ally,
I agree with you. Especially in this world of internet dating. We are seeking, however, nothing says we have to give everyone a chance or respond immediately. Just because I join a site to explore what is out there doesn't mean I have any obligation to anyone to explain why I am or am not interested in them. In some cases, it is just the lack of free time. Other times it is just a feeling, personal feeling, that keeps you from calling, emailing or meeting someone. Maybe common interests or lack there of... Thank you for responding to these. This is nothing like employment termination... we as singles owe nothing. :) Thanks again! | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 12:39:53 PM | | I've had so many men respond to my 'thanks, but we're not a good match' emails by asking why I'm not interested and trying to argue me into being interested in them. I'm not going to tell them what it is that I find unattractive about them. It's unnecessarily hurtful, and chances are, someone else won't find the same qualities unattractive. Those of us who do know what we want (and won't accept) in another person actually CAN weed out some people based solely on their profile. And I don't need to argue my point with someone in whom I have no interest. In fact, their need to analyze my disinterest and attempt to argue it away only reinforces their unattractiveness. My policy is to be polite and not leave them hanging. Beyond that, I don't believe I owe them any explanation (nor do they owe me one). | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 12:55:04 PM | Pip35 makes the strongest argument here.
IMO, there are also those who have unreal expectations of a site like this. They did after all, spend the better part of 5 minutes setting up a profile, right? Now why isn't the world just falling into their expecting, deserving, arrogant, oversized laps?
If this and other sites like it are so disappointing, here's a clear message. Go jogging, read a newspaper, do some volunteer work somewhere,help the elderly,improve your diet(because diet's a NOUN, not a verb),find a hobby,participate in a sport, acquire a clue,get a life.
Whine, whine,whine, SHADDUP!! | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 1:13:13 PM | It's a very valid point. If some one responds to my thanks but no thanks message arguing, that's grounds for blocking right away. Luckily that has never happened to me.
Interesting though about the desperation of others. from nearly all of these posts I get the impression that the people can afford to show disinterest because they're getting a lot of emails from interested people and can pick and choose. I wonder if you came on here, wrote many thoughtful messages, were rejected without any reply the majority of times and then met one person who was willing to talk to you how you'd feel if they just suddenly vannished. Please don't misunderstand me I'm not saying we should panda to every one like that, gods we'd be here for the rest of our lives. HOwever, I think it does pay to keep in mind people can be on here for very specific reasons. whilst we may not always pass off those reasons enough to be attracted to some one, I guess I'm just saying look at both sides to the argument. | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 1:34:37 PM | you said it.... it's a just move on lifestyle... some can't move on unless they know and so they on occassion carry around the baggage and thus always seem to pursue the why is this all happening to me... oh my... so I'll just to toss this in say... one should merely say... cool an walk on.. cool is far better then why an tears an remarks one can't take back.. no evil though... just simply.. accept that someone has moved on an do so oneself... i know... never works quite like that.. but... can't hurt to try and just might help someone understan this BS grieving over.... why did whomever leave me or stop calling and everybody stops calling ( maybe cause the person is very needy to have a security, never the less. )
and, think about this.. if one can relinquish this power over oneself by oneself about another then such person isn't standing in some doorway asking to see whomever and some other person is saying who the heck are you... wow, that was 7 years ago... get over it already...
thank you... have a lovely day | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:05:50 PM | I agree with "PIP35".
It is a way to improve ourselves. If the nature of it is by looks, there is little we can do, but if it is something such as type of approach, content of conversation, lack of manners, etc...
That can be beneficial to know so we can avoid those mistakes in the future.
Not everyone needs to pin-point everything that went wrong, but I do so just as courtesy to the other person. (as if I had that many hinting on me LOL)
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:16:48 PM | | hi, i dont need it justifying, it would just be nice if people would be honest, why say they would like to meet up again if they dont want to or intend to? lol we are all here for the same reason, we are used to being rejected. So why tell lies? honesty is the kindest policy x | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:19:41 PM |
Why does the uninterested party have to justify to you as to what, exactly, it is that turned them off?
There shouldn't be a justification but the disinterested party should be polite and say, "Hey, I am not interested."
I do. | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:27:09 PM |
the disinterested party should be polite and say, "Hey, I am not interested."
Not getting a reply tells me pretty clearly they're not interested. | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:28:46 PM | What's next? Getting sued because you rejected someone?
That would not surprise me at all!
I just got blasted, because I didn't disclose immediately on my short
profile (which she claimed was long and wasted her time!lol) that I
wasn't looking for a woman with children!
EVERYONE that joins POF should sign a waiver, saying that they
accept that such (no response) behavior is normal and what it implies!
Then there should be a function that when they get pissy, this signed waiver is
sent back to them!
Desperate, needy, clingy, insecure people should be screened from participating
on POF! Maybe they could just watch and learn, but not participate!  | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:39:29 PM | If someone you meet on pof doesn't return calls or e-mails and ends your connection so
abruptly, just let it go. Life is too short to ponder and waste time on why someone is not
interested in you. My best advice would be to be the better person and let it go. It would be
their loss in the long run. The reasons are too numerous and why bother trying to figure it out. Good luck and keep fishing. | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:05:03 PM |
Feedback is important.
That's what the forums are for.
I really don't see this as being disinterested. I see it as being rude and cowardly.
mmm k
So, how's that workin' for ya? | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:09:48 PM | You know, I used to be polite and say "no thank you".
That was UNTIL I got some dude calling me a stuck up **** because I told him I wasn't interested in talking to him. Yeah, he's the type that has "I am who I am and if you don't like it you can *%^# off and die" written in his profile, which lacks class and told me all I needed to know. I believe his opener was "you're hot" which was just as unimpressive. Apparently any woman that didn't like his Eminem wannabee ass was a stuck up ****.
I don't think it was rude of me to say, "Thanks for your message but I'm not interested", nor should I have to tag on that I am "seeing someone"which I am not just so they don't beg for an explaination. Talk about needy and insecure.
It's ridiculous and unless it is an actual message with some thought behind it, NO WAY am I responding to every two-five word message that gets dumped in my mailbox. Maybe your hair was too short or too long or you were too big or small...maybe you were too tall or too short...get my drift?
Let it go... move on to the next person...who cares! | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:20:59 PM | I must say, I do feel for all the decent, nice people that come here
and can't understand! If my Mother or Sister came here, they would
be likewise shocked and offended! And I would be embarrassed for them!
Like so many other areas in life, certain people ruin it for the rest!
That's the way life is! I wish people who complain and don't understand
could stand back and see things from a broader perspective! Too many
people can only see things from their perspective and want things their
way! | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:34:28 PM | I agree that no one should have to explain to me exactly why they aren't interested in me - how depressing to see a list of every feature he finds unattractive, every aspect of my personality he finds annoying!
I can't say this has happened to me very often, because I usually just leave it alone if someone stops messaging or calling, but if I truly thought we were building any relationship (even just friends) and then got the cold shoulder...all that I have done in the past is leave one more message stating something like:
"Hey, I noticed you seem to be busy or just not interested in talking to me. I hope that I didn't do or say anything to upset you, and apologize if I did. If I don't hear from you again, then I want you to know I sincerely hope that you are happy & things go your way. Thanks for the friendship."
I only do this because I want to make sure I didn't say or do anything hurtful; I am usually quick to think I've done something wrong, if someone who is a friend suddenly pulls away. So, I don't think they need to justify, but I do want them to know I didn't mean to upset them (in case they misinterpreted something I did/said) and that I have no hard feelings toward them.
I agree with many posters who've pointed out that we tend to take things far too personally on the internet. After all, until a real-life in-person relationship is established, we are talking about virtual strangers. | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 5:26:47 PM | Ive noticed quite the consensus of people that want to be told "Thanks, not interested" as opposed to simply ceasing contact. But don't you think saying so just opens the door to the other party wanting to know why? It seems most can't just accept a polite "see ya" without badgering the other as to why. At least in my experiences. Thats why I dont see why itd be rude to just walk away & stop talking altogether.
Keep in mind, Im not applying this to any kind of realworld relationship. Im talking only about a couple of emails and/or a phonecall or two. It would seem to me like those who want 'closure' may be investing a little too much, too fast?
Just my continued thoughts...... | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:12:11 PM | I've had so many men respond to my 'thanks, but we're not a good match' emails by asking why I'm not interested and trying to argue me into being interested in them. I'm not going to tell them what it is that I find unattractive about them. It's unnecessarily hurtful, and chances are, someone else won't find the same qualities unattractive. Those of us who do know what we want (and won't accept) in another person actually CAN weed out some people based solely on their profile. And I don't need to argue my point with someone in whom I have no interest. In fact, their need to analyze my disinterest and attempt to argue it away only reinforces their unattractiveness.
That's exactly why I don't send the "I'm not interested" email. It's pointless. No reply is a reply.
Why would anyone be obligated to pander to someone's feeling of inadequacy? And why the need for "closure" after a few casual messages?
Very good questions...
There shouldn't be a justification but the disinterested party should be polite and say, "Hey, I am not interested."
Unfortunately, many posters have tried that route, only to get nasty, insulting, argumentative emails in response to their attempts to be polite. So to the self-righteous ~ how about if you just do what feels right to you and the rest of us will do the same? Works for me.
Im talking only about a couple of emails and/or a phonecall or two. It would seem to me like those who want 'closure' may be investing a little too much, too fast?
OP, I think you're hitting the nail right on the head there. Your original post was pretty clear as to the context of your question. These things have a way of turning into a whole 'nother can of worms though. A few emails, maybe a phone call or two...not enough of an emotional investment to justify a need for closure in a mature, healthy adult who is able to deal with rejection. What, exactly, are they needing closure to? "I just want you to know that I really enjoyed learning so much about you. You made such a difference in my virtual life and you will forever be in my cookies."
If people would adopt a healthier view of "rejection", maybe they wouldn't personalize someone's disinterest so much. | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 7:47:16 PM |
Feedback is important.
No it isn't. I like me the way I am. My family likes me the way I am. My friends like me the way I am. My co-workers like me the way I am. I really don't give two sh*ts what some person who I'm never going to talk to ever again thinks about me. I don't like everybody, so why should I expect everybody to like me? | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:37:50 PM | Having given my more harsh opinion on the matter for this harsh environment, now I will change gears so to speak!
I'm not talking about the endless people that come on here for a day or two, maybe a week and then whine and complain. There's those people that have been on here a while and have developed a thicker skin. But every once in a while, they spot a potential partner, let down their shields, maybe putting some faith in the Grand scheme of things, only to have their hopes and feelings dashed. It can seem like a cruel joke ! And yet, there is no other way on a site like this! Many people have an enormous emotional investment in their own sense of worth, and a site like this can really work to destroy that! It is quite sad! | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:49:07 PM | | Ahhh! Elementary my dear Watson. You are seizing up potential partners and they you; rejection evokes an emotional response and people want to know why because they hope it is something like the person suddenly decided to go gay or anything other than they were thought of as unattractive. Additionally, people want feedback so that if it is something like bad breath, they can correct the matter before their next date. Factors such as the amount of communication before that first meeting, make a difference too. If you speak to someone once or twice and they stop calling, it's not likely someone will sink into a sea of depression. If you speak for a year,e-mail and text constantly and suddenly disapear, it can have the same emotional impact as a break up because there was cause to build an attachment-possibly a stronger one than just physical attraction since you got to learn and know the person for what's inside. | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:02:27 PM |
Feedback is important. No it isn't. I like me the way I am. My family likes me the way I am. My friends like me the way I am. My co-workers like me the way I am. I really don't give two sh*ts what some person who I'm never going to talk to ever again thinks about me. I don't like everybody, so why should I expect everybody to like me?
Mr Blblblbl, I like you. Wanna get married?  | |
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| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:09:41 PM | If they stop talking to me ...there is something wrong with THEM I tell you
Op I so agree with you... why sweat it? Lots of fish in the sea... too many to worry about one flaky fish ( I think they call that fin rot)...Might I congratulate you on writing A LOT instead of alot? I would stop talking with a person who writes "alot" <-like that. | |
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