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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 1:17:47 AM | I have a cat already, but she goes out every single night! Watch and learn.
Either bad experiences or very good ones which came to an end change our expectations and our levels of motivation and intention. It's a process with different states and dynamics. We all want to connect with the opposite sex to certain degree and a romantic connection can't be replaced with other types, but it can be put in the back burner till the right fire comes along. As long as you are happy with your circumstances, being alone can be great. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:53:45 AM | I made the decision to be single for eight years, part of that time was while being a member of this site. I enjoyed the forums and met new friends to e-mail and occasionally meet.
It is just recently that I decided I want a relationship again.
As the above poster said we go through phases, sometimes we feel the energy to go out there and meet people, and sometimes we feel like hunkering down and just being alone.
I took a very long break from having someone in my life , after my last relationship, it was time I needed.
Now I am trying to be positive in the finding of a good relationship. It is not easy , to fit someone into our lives , by this stage. To find the right compatible person to spend time with.
But after spending most of my adult life alone, without a relationship, raising my kids, I want to explore the possibilities again.
But as others have said, if that does not happen, I know already I am fine alone.
I just dont think that is what I truely want deep down, for the rest of my life.
I would love to experience falling in love again, and being desired by the right man,
for me. Someone that is just as excited to see me as I am to see him.
One can only wish.
When we lose hope , we lose such an important part of life.
If you do not desire a relationship , there is nothing wrong with that.
It is what makes you happy at the time.
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 4:37:34 AM |
Has anyone else gotten here? Was that my mid life crisis? The only thing I am a little worried about is that I think I am on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady. Is this in my future?
Instead of crazy old cats, maybe you should just start with kittens. They're more playful and only become crazy if you treat them bad.
Anyway you could have done a thread search to see this topic has been hashed out many times and seen just about every possible excuse for learning to be happy and content as a single and the inevitable question:
Why join a site designed for meeting others to complain about meeting others? | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 5:18:05 AM | During the five years after becoming single, I had no inclination to meet a guy, let alone date. By the sixth year, I started going out with "couple friends" but felt like a fifth wheel. Then, I joined POF. During the first four months I was contacted by one guy and one guy only. Really! Only one! After about 3 months of emailing and talking on the phone with this guy, he announced that I wouldn't be someone he would even want to meet, let alone date. That was a hard wall to hit. Thank goodness, my self-esteem was intact. But, I gotta tell you, he knocked the wind from my sails for about eight months and my trust-level towards other men was pretty low. Every now and then, when he gloats about it, I ignore him. Yes OP, he is not worth the grief.
Last year I communicated and met three guys from POF and each of them turned out to be different than the way they had portrayed themselves including wanting to "get some" right out of the gate. So, yes OP I'm also sick of going out with guys who don't want to get to know me, other than in the sack.
Once in a while I will meet a sexy eligible man that I have my eye on. But then I say to myself "Nah, don't know what kind of can of worms this would open"
DITTO! I've also lost my urge to date or find a guy to have a future with based on my previous experiences.
Now where is that emoticon of the little guy hitting his head against the brick wall?
PSSST Hey you up there! Why are you on a dating site when you're already in a relationship? Oh yeah, you're probably here to boitch, just like the rest of us.
BTW OP, no cats yet! | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:17:49 AM | I have been were you were, OP. It simply got to be the same old, same old. I was spending so much time and energy looking to meet new women, dating women for a time and even having relationships lasting a year or two with some of them when I knew early on there were too many red flags and things would not work out long term. I finally lost my enthusiasm and interest in the whole searching-for-a-partner/dating thing and turned all of my attention back to the other aspects of my life. Granted, this was after over a decade of playing a big role in the singles scene. On the plus side I had established a reservoir of female friends to spend time with in various respects. On the minus side none of them were long term partner possibilities.
What I find noteworthy is that within the circle of single acquaintenances I have had for over a decade very few have successfully paired up or remarried, perhaps one in 50 or one in 100. Sadly a few of them have even married and divorced again. Many of them continue to attend virtually every singles event they can.
One day I sat back and reflected on the time and energy I had put into meeting and dating women and the odds of succeeding in finding a partner based on what I had seen happening and not happening around me and decided to hang it up, just like the OP. Yes, it is a bit lonely in the sense I have no lifetime-fulltime partner, but I have adjusted. I suppose one of these days I will meet "the one" in the ordinary course of my life but I am through with spending inordinate time and energy searching, searching , searching in an all but hopeless endeavor when I have so many better things to do. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:38:40 AM |
PSSST Hey you up there! Why are you on a dating site when you're already in a relationship? Oh yeah, you're probably here to boitch, just like the rest of us.
Why do you ask if you already kknow that answer? Oh yeah, just to get people to demonstrate why they can't get a date. No, wait a minute, I lie volunteering for the needy. No, wait, so I can prove I have a bad attitude and can still have a relationship.
No, wait so I can have others project their feelings on me and prove they're wrong.
No, wait so I can prove banging your head against the wall can be productive.
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:08:12 AM | oh yes...you should get worried...you should keep the fun and the excitement in life and what is more fun than meeting people without any pressure of getting into a relationship.
Just enjoy these moments that come up without thinking of tomorrow....that´s the secret..just take it as it comes....  | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:59:17 AM | | All of our walls are constructed from within....with the right person, they may be slowly removed.... | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:23:18 AM |
I can drink out of the milk carton, and not have to put on a shirt for dinner.
yay me too!  | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 11:33:49 AM | I hear you, OP. I am pretty much there as well. I have spent my life alone, and in reflection I realize that because of a variety of things (wrong place at the wrong time; bad decisions, lack of self-confidence), I have never had a successful relationship. Never even got close to getting married; never had any guy who really wanted to be with me enough to make a commitment.
So, when is it time to face reality, and accept the fact that this is your life? I'm about ready to do so. I'll either hide my profile, or certainly update it to reflect that I am here for the forums only. It's OK to say to yourself that you are done with dating, etc. I do think we can change certain aspects of our lives, but if the opportunities are not there to begin with...well, to heck with it and let's go enjoy what is left.
And no, I don't believe that things happen when you are not looking. I'm a cynical single woman, and it will take a miracle to change anything (and I don't believe in miracles.) | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 11:51:38 AM | OP:
It really sounds like signs of depression:
You are not interested in things that you used to be interested in.
Your libido is down or nil (even that sexy-looking guy doesn't do a thing for you?)
You want to shut yourself off from social life
You feel defeated
You say you are fine with your Hugh Hefner life choice and yet you admit that you fear that you are mentally off -- you are not really fine with your choice. Or you worry too much about societal pressures. I have never seen society as a motivating force in my life style choices. If alone is what you really want, it is not up to others to judge you. Humans are social beings, generally. You sound like a social person. So shutting down is not healthy.
You say you reached a point where you don't find men attractive. Do you find women more sexually attractive? Are you just not aware of your sexuality?
(also, you are thinking about eating worms -- don't do it ) | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:08:52 PM | Yeah, I can relate to the OP's viewpoint- when the risk of wasting more time is greater than the anticipation of reward.. things have for one reason or another changed..
I joined POF a couple of years ago, contacted a few ladies, and found that most of them were not as advertised, (I know- big surprise) I met one who I wanted to ask where was the person in the picture she posted.. (about ten years dated pics)- one who seemed sort of o-k until I saw her house- it was a mausoleum dedicated to pictures of her divorced husband... who needs that kind of competition??
I pretty much gave up, and pulled my profile- I only watch and sometimes vent a little on the forums-
when I consider the deal breakers of personal preference that I have, tattoos, body art, excessive drinking, drug usage, and the real problem of abject nitwittery, it sometimes seems as tho no one will pass the sniff test anymore.. and I have lost my interest..
It doesn't help that my last involvement was a five year ordeal with a BPD and that left an indelible impression that anyone who hasn't gone through has no idea the grief.. and that might be the issue in a nut shell, I am pretty good at defending myself from being fooled by someone else, but can no longer trust my own instincts..
And no, I am pretty happy and not suicidal at all- I really don't need the critique...just disappointed and I guess mystified that something I would expect to have finally worked itself into a comfortable situation is seemingly unattainable at this time.. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:35:41 PM | I am fairly new to dating , but the brick wall situation is heading my way - I can see it coming in pretty fast , too ...
Not sure how long it's going to be , before I have had enough of internet dating and decide I am better off just being on my own with no stress, hassle or disappointment. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:52:42 PM | So would all of you ' I'm happy being single and don't want to date anymore" people please explain to the rest of us "losers' what the (*&^% you're doing spending your time on a dating/romance site?
There are a few confimed singles, female mostly, and regulars here know who I'm talking about, that spend hours and hours in POF forums prostelytizing to the rest of us about how wonderful the singles life is.
If being single were so wonderful, you'd be out hanging with your "sisters" or "buds" and not spending hours stalking dating forums.
"Methinks he/she protests too much" | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 5:07:50 PM | ^^^ Just because people hang out here doesn't mean they have to date. Geez, if that was the standard you may be the only here. By the way, how do you find time to keep track of the regulars.
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 5:17:52 PM | starry night~
I loved your comment. So true. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 5:36:26 PM | Desert Wildfire,
1st off welcome back … you had been conspicuously absent from the forums for a while & now I guess I know why. Ironically, I recently posted a similar forum thread titled “Learning To Be Single” in which I spoke of how after 4 yrs I still find it extremely uncomfortable being single after a long 30 yr marriage. I’ve also commented on more than 1 occasion how frustrating dating has been for me & how many mistakes I've made along the way. The most recent recognizing that I was scaring women away through my desperation for a relationship. It's somehting I was doing that I wasn’t even aware of. So I can most definitely relate to the frustration who have experienced … I’ve been there & I have the same t-shirt.
However there are a couple of ideas that still get in the way of me throwing in the towel & giving up. The 1st is the memories of 20 yrs of a wonderful marriage that existed before our relationship began to change. These recollections remain some of my most rewarding & happiest that I have ever experienced … in spite of all the drama & chaos that dominated the last 10 yrs of my marriage. The 2nd idea is my fundamental understanding of the stages we go through in our lives. As I explained in my other post … I’ve always believed we go through 3 distinct levels of maturity as we age … I call stage 1 the dependent stage. I seriously doubt that anyone can argue with the fact that we are all dependent when we 1st enter this world. In this stage we are dependent on the care that our parents provide us. Then we begin to slowly enter into the 2nd stage of maturity I call the independent stage. This is the stage where we begin to make our own decisions & then face the consequences. I think we all struggle in the early yrs of this stage … its part of the learning process. Then there is a 3rd stage I like to call the interdependent stage. This is the stage where we make the conscious decision to share our lives with another human being. In my opinion this is the highest level of human maturity. It forces us to be tolerant & respectful of ideas & views different than our own. It forces us to make compromises & work hard to both understand & be understood. But it also provides us with rewards that we couldn’t attain by living a singular life. It’s also my opinion that this is the way our Higher Power intended for us to live our lives & achieve the highest levels of contentment & happiness that are available to us while we are part of this world.
I guess until I can get past those ideas or concepts, & after having lived for a number of yrs in that 3rd stage … it’s always going to be extremely difficult for me to accept being alone & not having someone special in my life. Now, these ideas are wonderful & perhaps a bit idealistic & every now & again I have to force myself to be a realist. That was my motivation for asking others how I can become more comfortable with the single life I am now living. The responses that I received were both intelligent & insightful just as this thread that you posted was. Both have provided me with the optimism that I will be able to handle things no matter how they turn out. And while I desire to be in a loving relationship with someone special, like you have suggested … there is no guarantee that I will ever find that person.
So what do I do? Do I focus totally on being content alone & stop looking for that special person? Do I continue to date & deal with all of the frustrations that you so eloquently described in your post? I have to admit … I don’t really know for sure . So for the time being I’ve adapted as best I can. I continue to date as a social activity & try my very best to ensure that both me & my date enjoy the experience to it’s fullest. But (like you) I am no longer focused on trying to find that special someone to share my life with. It’s not that I’ve given up the desire … I’ve simply chosen to turn that task over to my Higher Power.
This morning I dated a very beautiful, intelligent lady that I met here on POF. We attended her church service together & then went out for a bite to eat. I drove 2 hours one-way to meet her. In the past I probably would have considered the challenges involved in having a long distance relationship & opted to search for someone who lived closer to me. But since I’m no longer focused on finding my soul mate I didn’t pass up the opportunity to meet someone new & enjoy her company. I’m very glad I made the decision that I did. I had a wonderful time! And guess what … since my goal was to enjoy the moment, the thoughts of what happens next didn’t haunt me on my long 2 hr drive home.
So my only suggestion to you is this … it’s okay to change your approach. Just don’t close that door all the way. We’ve never met but after having enjoyed many of the forum posts you have submitted & having the special pleasure of trading a couple personal emails with you … it would be our loss if you elected to slam that door shut completely. Not only that but who knows… I may decide to move to Tennessee someday & I can use all the opportunities I can get! Lol.
Good Luck & God Bless!
Gary | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 5:47:54 PM |
Then, I joined POF. During the first four months I was contacted by one guy and one guy only. Really! Only one! After about 3 months of emailing and talking on the phone with this guy, he announced that I wouldn't be someone he would even want to meet, let alone date.
(Re: msg 29) Everyone has their ‘done me wrong’ stories, and many of the more recent ones (the ‘less told’ stories) still remain based in fact. But I would think if no one would talk to me for 4 months, one finally did, then stopped, the message I’d receive would be a bit different. Really. But everyone has their way of interpreting the things that happen to them, I suppose.
But on topic ... the ‘hitting one’s head against the wall’ feeling is something that I think affects almost everyone who’s been in on-line dating environments for any length of time. I went through it. During my first few months on this site, I dated a few women – very nice women by and large, but the ‘sparks’ and the things that I thought I’d find by coming here just didn’t materialize as I’d hoped (expected?) – and I admit, it bugged me. What it did (as I look at it now, in hindsight) was make me feel desperate, make me settle for things less than perfect for myself, and eventually I got into a short-lived relationship with someone that I really shouldn’t have been with. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not criticizing the woman I was with, just that she and I were not at all a good match, and if the ‘hitting my head against the wall’ feeling had not set in as it had, I probably would have realized this beforehand.
So I came out of that, and on top of the ‘head against the wall’ syndrome, there was definitely some jaded feelings settling in from my series of disappointments. I was arguing in the forums with the ‘arguers’, battling with the ‘battlers’, and generally turning into someone that I wouldn’t have wanted to date. It took a while and a couple of profile deletions, but eventually I realized what was going on and why. And one day, I made a big step. I changed my “looking for” status to “Friends”, took all the ‘walking on the beach’, candlelit dinners and all other “romance da pants off ‘em” innuendos off my profile and decided to just stick around to write in the forums (which I liked, and still do) and just meet people as friends. And that’s when my attitude began to change. I only wrote people, made first contact, if I had something nice or worthwhile to say to them – something about their profile that I thought was kewl, a good forum post, but never to ask for a date – much like what I’d do saying hi to a stranger I passed on the street. And once the ‘pressure’ of meeting “The One” was removed from me (and also removed from anyone I talked to), my attitude began to improve. And from this improvement in my own attitude, I began to meet some very nice people on this site and made some very good friends – which just caused my attitude to improve even more. And to sum it all up, when a pretty face went by on my profile page one day, someone that I really did want to meet, my attitude was such that when I contacted her, I was someone that she wanted to meet. I can’t say that that would have been the case a few months before that.
And that’s my story about the ‘hitting my head against the wall’ feeling. I went through it and it didn’t do me one bit of good while it remained with me. Fortunately, I found a way to pull myself out of it. My story ...
cdn guy | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 5:49:54 PM | | I feel this is a way of coping, it gives our minds a break from searching, feeling lonely and from being hurt. In the end we're all searching for someone special, be it in a dating form, long term relationship etc. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 5:59:59 PM | OP, you surely must find me irrestistible.
I have never hit the wall, but the wall keeps hitting me. I still wanna get laid, go out, do fun things, without marriage of course. I may be one of those worms you're talking about in your post. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:02:11 PM | | Sommerbout, I think the name "she dances with wolves" would also be very befitting for you. I mean, after your picture; I don't know if you go out to singles' dances. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:03:34 PM | | McKevinized: He dances with contorted limbs. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:09:11 PM | OP - none of us can predict your future. I don't believe you can either. I think in our middle years, we go through the ups and downs. There are days when we wouldn't mind 3 different dates in one day, and other days, where we could go months without a date. It's just life.
You should follow your heart. If you find a sexy, eligible man that you have an eye on, why not approach him? There's nothing that says you've gotta get married. If nothing else, you may gain a new friend, someone where you can go out and do things with.
I have my own ups and downs with dating. I miss the companionship, and someone to share my life with, as well as have some great belly laughs, and yeah, shed a few tears too. What I can say, is I doubt that I want to remarry again. Crazy cat lady? Yeppers, I've got 2 of them. Their mugs are on my profile. However, the felines don't rule the roost - I RULE! | |
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