| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:59:55 PM | Desert Wildflower,
I’m sorry. I forgot to address an important part of your forum post.
You Asked:
The only thing I am a little worried about is that I think I am on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady. Is this in my future?
My Response:
Let’s see … you were worried about turning into catwoman. Ah yes, I remember Halle Berry in that unbelievably sexy skin-tight outfit portraying the comic book heroine. I can’t rememer the plot but I remember Halle & the outfit. What was your question again?
Your Friend,
Gary | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:01:20 PM | Well Desert Wildflower, I haven't gotten there but I do know of others that have. My sister is a very attractive and educated lady, got divorced about 5 years into her marriage, when she was pregnant with her first and only child. She has been so for many years now and has shown NO desire to even have any relationship with a man. She has always worked hard, took good care of her job, and went home at the end of the day. She doesn't even care to have girlfriends to do things with. After work, she doesn't care for any socialization. She is an avid reader and always has a new craft in the works. She is perfectly happy that way. But she doesn't even want to be bothered with a cat. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:59:42 PM | | I have a male friend who calls this condition "chronically single". I worry I'm crossing over that fine line myself. Desert, the statement you make "It just doesn't seem worth the grief it has brought me over the years" really hits home. I find there are many genuinely good people on these sites but there seems to be a drive through mentality. Place your order, then pick up on the other side please. It's just too fast for me. Sometimes I panic and fade away. It's people like me who contribute to the frustration of internet dating. I think I need some cats. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:19:23 PM | I have been divorced for 9 years and there are times I feel like that for awhile, but never do I think of as a lifetime, althought that may happen! 
I have only been married only one time and divorced 10 days short of our 34th anniversary. Like Gary, we had a great 15 to 25 years, and then I don't know what happened, but it was downhill from there He had a roving eye, and when I think back, he probably always had one, maybe after being married for only a few years. I was, and still am, a very trusting person until I find out that they can't be trustworthy, then watch out  It was not just the infidelity, but other ways I was treated that led to the divorce. I believe the infidelity was just the icing on the cake.
After divorcing and moving far away, I had to work on my own problems, so didn't date during that time. That became very comfortable. It could be just the freedom that I liked. But after a lot of therapy, I started to look at the opposite sex different. I enjoy the comfort and being in love, and all that comes with it... I would be lieing if I said I don't miss it.
JMO | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:57:01 PM | You don't have to hit the wall if you think of it as a Maze. When you come to what appears to be the end or a wall there is usually a corner in your life to turn on your journey to the center which is ultimately our final resting place. You have the option to turn the corner on a new chapter in your life or double back till you find another route. POF is not the be all or end all for relationships. There are other options that we need to explore and POF is only one.
Back in March some younger person posted a deleted thread about Murdering Crows. At first I thought it literally meant to kill crows but after some research I got the feeling he was just saying the 45 plus forum had turned into a gathering of old crows cackling about all the bad things that happened in life. At first I was glad the thread was deleted. After giving it some thought I feel differently. We are somewhat like a gathering of crows. I came back after being off of this site for a while because I missed the forums. They gave me sustenance. Much like the gathering of crows feeding off the lessons everyone shares from dead relationships. We all hope to find our soul mate and coming back to POF for the forums shouldn't be looked at as hitting the wall. I think of it as sustenance for fueling my search which will never hit a wall. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 11:11:48 PM | I wish I could hit that wall. I wish I could say I like being single and alone. But being one that does not lie and wears my feelings on my sleeve (not a good thing), I'd be lying saying I like being single and alone. I hate it. Funny thing is, you say that on these forums and here they come...The ones with the non-sense BS about having to love yourself first and the other arm chair psychology nonsense so over used here. I'm not hedonistic enough to say I love myself, but I do like myself just fine thank you.
I just know me and what I want and need. To me a cat, dog, room mate, family and friends can not fill the void of having that one special woman to love. Maybe it's partly because I despise living alone. For me it must be what solitary confinement is like in prison!
The last woman I was in love with likes living alone. She is happy being single. She loves herself...or says she does. Gee, I wonder why it ended?
I will run for the hills if I meet and start getting attracted to any woman that says she likes being single, alone, and loves her own company. Now there's the clue! She is not relationship material or is just kidding herself. Either way, I won't risk it again. That damn wall keeps getting closer. No, don't know if I'll hit that wall. There is always the hope and the dream. Lose those... you might as well be dead. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/8/2008 11:25:03 PM | Galensmuse, thanks for your positive thoughts and a great metaphor.
I have caught myself doing some seriously negative thinking lately. I’ve been worried that my experiences with my ex-husband (not yet legally divorced) would place a dark veil between me and everything I see or experience in life. I wondered if I could ever believe in love.
Even though I am going through a hideous legal process (because of the nature of my 3-month marriage) I have managed to see the light at times. I have not decided that there is no hope. I’m back on pof just to keep in touch with the online dating world.
However, as Galenmuse mentions, this is not the only place to meet people. I’m working and back at university, doing a second degree – this time for a career that I know I will love. I am first finding renewed interest in life and people through shared love of my field.
I lost my home because of this marriage but hope to settle all of that and rebuild my life. Once I do, I hope that relationships with pleasant, honest, non-violent people will be a part of my life. One thing that I have never done is that sort of frenzied dating where I must fill my social calendar. By naturally giving myself quiet times – breaks – I don’t believe that I will hit a place where I will want absolutely no dating. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/9/2008 12:12:58 AM | Galensmuse: He dances with metaphors.
G., you seem like you could find your way through any maze with a well-chosen metaphor. Or kill the pesky crow-fly on the wall by hitting it with a suitable swatting metaphor. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/9/2008 12:29:08 AM | i had a longish marriage, a 5 year defacto relationship and then a 2 year one ( not live in). when that ended - it was mutual , no drama - i joined this site just to get familiar with internet dating before i took the plunge again. i decided (last september) that i would wait until i missed being with someone and then take a shot.
fast forward to 9 months later - still not interested. i'm at a place where my life is full and busy and i'm very content. i wake up in the morning and i feel pleased. this could last another week or forever. i'm just going with the flow and not over analysing it.
chrissy | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/9/2008 3:17:38 AM | .....Actually, thinking about it - I don't give up that easily - so could be here a while yet !
god loves a tryer -
but I know, being on your own is better than being with the wrong person | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/9/2008 4:57:54 PM | Loved your take on it Galenmuse. What appears to be a wall may be a maze and corners to turn. What do they say? When one door closes another one opens.
And, yes I do notice that in the over 45 forums there are some "old crows" as well as some "old roosters" that do gather to cackle about how life has treated them but they are special people because they are willing to share their joys and sorrows. I feel honoured to read their stories and outlook on life.
Of course, walls are made from different substances. Some are made of straw, others from wood and others from brick. I like to view myself in the straw category. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:45:18 PM | I dont think its so much that I've "hit the wall" as much as it is that I am happy where I am.
I havent had a date in several months now, and thats ok. I met some really nice folks and some kinda off the wall folks, and I just got tired of the feeling of constantly "auditioning".....I'm a great person, and the lack of dates has not changed my confidence in that regard, but I'd just rather put my time and energy somewhere where it is appreciated, and not always compared to the other hundred fishy he's wanting to "interview"...
Im with you OP, in that I understand completely what youre saying.....it is a lot of work, and at least for right now, Im just not up for it..in the future?...I can't say. But for me at this time.... , the only thing funny about "50 first dates"...was the movie by that name. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/9/2008 11:23:07 PM | Desert Flowert,
Yes you certainly could become a crazy cat woman. My aunt hit a wall with men in her 20's and now at 73 he is a bonafied crazy cat woman and has been living with 2-6 cats for nearly 50 years. They are more to her than people. One got lost near a town where she was camping. She put ads in the local paper, posters all over the place, $500 reward and camped there off and on for a month and a half crying and hunting for her cat until someone recognized it and got it back to her. On the other hand when I cried over my kids I love when my exe got them in divorce and this woman could tell me, "F --- the kids, forget them. Let her have them".
I doubt that being as you are is any result of a midlife crisis but more likely to be a factor to bring on a midlife crisis. Midlife crisis is an internal re-evaluation of self.
Feelings of desire toward the opposite sex has a lot to do with hormones and other generated internl elements. This generation is run by your brain and your psychology determines how your brain works. I a sense it is a circle and it takes effort to reform the circle.
Life's experiences can induce us to live within some strange psychologies especially hurting negative experiences with the opposite gender. I have fought with that myself since divorce. Perhaps I was idealistic but I grew up with a respect for all women that they were all kind and loving. In the process of my divorce, everyone on the other side was a woman, counsellors, lawyers, judges, meddling women, all of them were women. The things they said, did and the lies they told have probably tainted my opinion of women for life. I can see the most beautiful women but now there just is not the same feeling of admiration as there was before. Somehow it took about two years after my divorce for this feeling to manifest itself. It is purely a psychological change and has nothing to do with testosterone levels. Perhaps I just woke up to a reality. I know I can't paint all women the same because of that experience but to draw a parallel, ...If you have loved eating fish and then one day fall into a pile of rotten fish and get a good smell of them, you might lose a lot of your appetite for fish dinner.
How we deal with experinces puts ourselves in these psychological ruts and if we want out it takes desire and work. Sometimes experiences are too big to deal with a lone and we need qualified help. The older we get the more set we become and harder to change, ...decide who you want to be and don't waste any time. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/10/2008 6:03:00 AM | [but I know, being on your own is better than being with the wrong person]
Amen to that! I'd much rather be alone than with a man who is not right for me! I'm even learning to enjoy my own company!
I've hit that wall a couple of times, but I'm not giving up just yet... | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/10/2008 7:23:50 AM | Every single time I found an SO was when I wasn't looking and just leaning against the wall with one foot up, smokin a butt, and watchin the world go by. If you're up against the wall and not bleeding anymore, you're ripe for an LTR.
If you're not chasing, it's easier to get caught. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/10/2008 7:32:17 AM | | I think we need to be happy with ourselves, like ourselves and like some alone time to be able to connect with another person. People who feel incomplete without another person in their life all the time concern me. As do people who are so content being alone they are always talking about how they do not need or want anyone. I would love to find a man to spend time with and get to know, but one who wants to be with me 24/7 (especially from the getgo) is not for me. Having space to be ourselves is important to me, and at my age I definitely want a man to have some interests and friends besides me. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:32:44 AM | I don't see why it is a problem.
If you don't want to date, don't. If you want to be a crazy cat lady, do so. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:43:45 PM | I have been on and off dating sites for five years after my wife of 27 years left 7 years ago.In addition I have gone to dance clubs,singles events & on blind dates(the last one ran out the door & left me & another couple looking dumfounded).The feedback I get is that I am very nice ,east to talk too(I was a counselor),intelligent etc however they always say no chemistry.I am really perplexed because my wife was always jealous of all the female attention I used to get when we were out,none-the-less ,I was a straight arrow & never wandered.
I think we must all have the proverbial "best before" date & that my graying,thinning hair etc must have turned me the opposite way.I am tired of trying & I am tired of not trying as I get very lonely.What I am needing to do now is grieve the loss of my youth & find contentment with my friends ,interests & hobbies.This is a really tough one to face however it seems many of us are in the same boat for various reasons.
Anyway,it was good to vent.
Be good,but not too
BM | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:58:44 PM |
have been on and off dating sites for five years after my wife of 27 years left 7 years ago.In addition I have gone to dance clubs,singles events & on blind dates(the last one ran out the door & left me & another couple looking dumfounded).The feedback I get is that I am very nice ,east to talk too(I was a counselor),intelligent etc however they always say no chemistry.I am really perplexed because my wife was always jealous of all the female attention I used to get when we were out,none-the-less ,I was a straight arrow & never wandered. --Billymac.
Billymac: These women you are meeting---what is wrong with them? I think you are walk-into-the-wall-because-I-wasn't-watching-where-I-was-going-because-I-was-too-busy-looking-at-you terrific looking. Too bad you live in Canada (sigh)
Look at this in a positive way...It might just be that I haven't hit the wall, after all. You did your good deed for the day. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:22:12 PM | Thanks ,ironically that is what my friends say too including the married female ones.Yet my experience over the past five years proves otherwise.I really do not understand it.I have been out rollerblading these past few weeks & trying to catch the eye of the fifty something women however they look away before I can even get a smile off.It is a huge puzzle to me and virtually all of my friends.Some sort of bizarre karma I guess???
BM | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:31:18 PM | | The wall is in our mind. We are not going to connect with everyone we meet. We do not need to connect with everyone. Back in the old days we meet in person and there was a attraction or we moved on without even thinking about. Internet meeting is tough because we meet in person later. When I really think about all the time out into getting a date via the internet it is not very good use of my time. I think we have become unable to approach and meet in the real world and hope this internet will be easier. I think I will just get down to Walmart and meet someone!!! | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:17:58 PM | I think I will get down to Walmart and meet someone!!!
Don't cha know that women hang out at Home Depot? | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:05:18 PM |
I think I will just get down to Walmart and meet someone
I was going to quickly go to Walmart but noticed the drive would be too far!! | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:20:09 PM | | I went through something similar when I first separated from my husband, and then again for about a year, 4 years later. I needed to remember that I like my own company. | |
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| Hitting the wall!
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:25:04 PM | I go through phases where I am quite content just being a single lady, satisfied with my lifestyle and the freedoms that come with being independant and single. Regardless of opinion, I am pretty comfortable with being single and it definitely has its' advantages.
But there is something to be said for being in a relationship, some nights I get to feeling the loneiness....wanting to be in someone's arms....I miss many aspects of not having a S/O....not all...but many. I miss the good things ....the intimacy ( not sexual) but that too, sharing all the things that don't matter and the things that do, the support ( not financial) when I need a shoulder. Just knowing that someone cares.....But I don't miss all the other "stuff" that goes along with being in a committed relationship...I hear about it all the time and I thank my lucky stars I don't have to deal with those type of issues....I can go home, kick off my shoes and read the newspaper. I don't even have to cook if I choose not to.
I know....I know what your all gonna say.....I can't have it both ways, and I know that. Its been such a long time since I've been in a relationship I don't even know if I would be good at it.....maybe I've become too selfish...or too damn comfortable or maybe the wind has been knocked out of my sails.
Besides, dating is hard work....and if you want to be good at it, you gotta put forth the effort, something I'm guilty of not doing. * Hmmmm, wonders if she should change her profile from dating to friends*
...maeflowers
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