| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:16:47 AM | OP: I have to ask one question...the women who are interested in you now...are they the SAME women that rejected you years ago?
Keep in mind that the women you are meeting now may not even be the same women. These women didn't know you when you were younger and, as you say, less attractive.
You can't really blame the other people in this. I used to think this way too.
I used to think "If I lose weight and you come running to me for a date, no way!"
The thing is, we KNOW that there are a lot of people who aren't attracted to people who are overweight.
I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's fair, but it's fact.
There is also the possibility that, along with being healthier and looking better, you may give off a better vibe (although your post doesn't really show that).
Please don't blame the women. Yes, there may be some who are only after you for superficial reasons, but are you dating only unattractive women who aren't "healthy"?
If you're dating women who you find "attractive" then you are really doing the same thing. | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:08:37 PM | | Sounds like your younger days were rough, but I am glad that something positive ccame to you from your illness....do you have any females at all that you respect? Mom, sister, cousin, friend, anybody? If so, talk to them about this, if not, then seek therapy, or maybe therapy in any case, might help? | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:34:09 PM | Awareness....Acceptance....... Action. What you stated,OP, does not exactly endear you to the opposite sex...you must know that, so I commend you for being brutally honest in the name of trying to do better. I have dated many a man who.....actually ...forget my ability..achieving through firsthand knowledge, fluency in reading passive aggression in romance/ dating. How about just plain old interacting with any individual who is unwilling to face their own stuff .. .. and then copes or compensates by taking it out on someone else?
Awareness= Your self inventory on POF....was a start
Acceptance= therapy, support groups ...
Action= dating with support,and not just dating ..but life self-affirming experiences
that allow you to begin enjoying all these blessings coming in.
You're young OP....work it out.....you can do it ....or you'll have an ulcer before 30..or even God forbid..regain the weight :(
All that anger isn't just going to evaporate just because your trigger finger is on the ladies
three more point right back to you. | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:38:23 PM | You're absolutely right, OPie, especially because you are only dating fat, ugly women with beautiful spirits! You don't care what she looks like, at all; you're superior to all of them, because you are free of any physical preferences. You don't even care if she wears torn sweatpants and a five-sizes-too-small KISS Army t-shirt, because she has Great Soul!
OK, enough fun for me. You don't resent these women, not entirely, I suspect. Rather, I would bet you still don't trust your new-found attractiveness. In fact, since it was an illness that slimmed you down, you don't even get to claim the accomplishment. Your image must feel entirely out of your hands, to some extent. So it's no wonder - and no foul - if you don't quite trust the interest coming your way. It may feel like they are attracted to somebody else, that you can't depend on them to stick.
I expect you will get more comfortable being the new you as time passes. But maybe I can help you goose that along. I suggest you dig out some of your old photos. The bigger you are in them, the better. When some girl who likes you comes over or whatever, say, "Let me show you something." Show her the pics and talk about what it was like to be that guy and what the changes are like. In other words, introduce yourself. When she sees how you have changed and she doesn't run away or give you the friend speech, maybe you'll be able to trust her attraction a bit more.
Cheers!
Vulf  | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:44:05 PM | You do realize that you still have this opinion not because you don't respect women but because you still have self esteem issues? My daughter is currently using this line of thinking to refrain from losing weight and I will tell you what I tell her. You know what, it sucks that people are shallow but hellooo, that is the way that the world works. You are still the beautiful person on the inside no matter what the outside looks like so suck it up, get over it, and enjoy it when that hour glass figure emerges and the guys are all over you like white on rice, oy, then I will have the problem.
OP, it is like staying pissed off about people being snotty to you when you were overweight. You are hurting no one but yourself when you do something like that. Every single day for everyone is a new day. You can wake up with a smile on your face (OK, realistically all of us who are not morning people are thinking by 10:00 for sure) and have a really great day, thanking God that you are now thin and apparently amassing some wealth, or you can be pissy and alone. Which one of those alternatives sounds good to you? You should focus on finding someone that you really like and forget about what brought her to you, just whether there is anything that makes you want to keep her around.
Something else you need to think about which might help with the angst about the past is that there were many people that didn't date in high school. I didn't date really until after about my second year of college and I felt so out of place in high school but when I looked back at my yearbook maybe five years out of high school, I was kind of like, was I retarded, I had a lot of friends. I think you are still coming out of an era of your life that leaves most of us with a skewed perception of ourselves and others. Many people are also awkward until they are older so your thing was weight, someone else, might be he felt he had big ears, or someone else thought her butt was too big. Do you think you are worried that you could have weight issues in the future? That these women that you know wouldn't have dated you four years ago would leave if you failed to keep the weight off? | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:55:25 PM | reality of life is - people are visual creatures, men especially. And there will be a number of women here who will give OP numerous examples how they were bypassed and overlooked and dumped by guys (even though these were good hearted, humorous, kind, etc etc women) while the same guys tirelessly chased some empty headed, trashy, dumb but ~good looking~ chick. Are women supposed to respect men who seem to think (and see) with only you-know-what? Goes both ways you know.
Another point - why is that people seem to think that it has to be either-or??? If a person is nerdy or in bad physical shape, he/she's expecting everyone to see and focus only on their inner qualities and goodness and overlook the obvious (appearance, shape, mannerisms, etc). They get indignant if the opposite gender prefers someone else.. Why? I am sure OP himself would prefer a hot lady over a plain one given both are receptive to his attention, and please don't tell me it's not so! Strange mixture of hypocrisy and indignation if you ask me...Why not work on oneself and be the best one can be in both ways - inside and out? Granted not all people are born handsome/beautiful, but be the best you can be.. without bitterness inside .. the rest will come. | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 4:16:23 PM | I can relate to your situation. when I was younger and wearing my Dress Blues the split tails couldn't keep their hands off. Once I got older and took off the uniform and started dressing Key West Style, Sleeveless T shirt, cut offs, and stinky old sneakers, you'd think I'd already died and started stinking. Now all those old girlfriends that see me out and about make it a point to avoid even saying hello. It's just my opinion mind you, but at this point in life I wouldn't piss on any woman that thinks I'm so shallow as to think that I'd be attracted to her if her tits are hanging out and her skirt is so short as to show the crack of her ass. Flooded down with nocious smelling perfume and painted up like she had a bad class in camoflage. Generally I guess you could say that any broad that is put off by my size, or lack of hair, or what I'm driving ain't worth spitting on. And those who come on like they haven't been laid in ten years or are unable to figure out that their car is out of gas are just what I've learned aren't worth the time of day. I`d rather spend my day with someone who spends more time observing than running their mouth. Kinda like the old saying; It's better to say nothing, and be thought stupid, than to open your mouth and prove it. Now where did I put that blow up doll that looks like Loni Anderson
Hope this helps fella. Have a nice day now, you hear!!!! | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 4:36:33 PM | First of all, where's your pic? If your self-proclaimed "new you" is handsome by your own accord, why not show who you are? Also, it doesnt sound like you have a problem w women being your "equals" <-- has nothing to do w the rest of your blog, but like many men and women who felt low self-esteem back in the day & who werent popular, now want to retaliate against the opposite sex based on their lost time w popularity (get over it.. not everyone shows up at their high school reunion looking like glam from the past).
I believe most couples who have fallen in love w their spouses & have married will be with them regardless of their weight increase/decrease. Unfortunately you just didnt meet or go after the one's who accepted you for you. At this point based on your pinned up frustrations, sounds like its time for you to check whether or not your medical insurance covers therapy. | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 5:09:07 PM | TROLL ALERT********TROLL ALERT********TROLL ALERT******************
Go away you ugly little troll.
Geez, this guy is a troll if there ever was one. Check out his profile, it is obviously not meant to attract anyone and is very bitter.
Most importantly ***FAKE******************************************************************** | |
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Megina
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Joined: 10/24/2007
Msg: 37 | |
| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:50:24 PM | I used to be 250 pounds, geeky, and I didn't take care of myself. I lost all of my weight too, and went through this. We naturally find ourselves attracted to "good looking" people, our subconscious sees good genes for breeding.
I stay optimistic, and when I date someone, I am very honest and open from the get- go, and that normally makes it easy to see the character of that person.
Don't say anything about money either, if it's something that you think women go after you for. That always helps. | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/8/2008 7:39:22 PM | You are you're own worse enemy. You will not be able to keep a good woman, because she would not allow you to treat her this way. Why do all women pay for a few women who treated you bad? Is that really fair?
You attract shallow women, because you are shallow. You are looking at everything from shallow perspectives so why would a deep woman want you? If all you have is money and looks, you are not material for a deep woman. A deep woman would want a man who can confront his failings and handle himself in a mature manner. You are not doing any of this.
You should think about going into therapy for dealing with your anger and resentment. | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/9/2008 10:44:59 AM | when I was younger and wearing my Dress Blues the split tails couldn't keep their hands off. Once I got older and took off the uniform and started dressing Key West Style, Sleeveless T shirt, cut offs, and stinky old sneakers, you'd think I'd already died and started stinking. Now all those old girlfriends that see me out and about make it a point to avoid even saying hello.
OK, A1boomer, so you honestly dont think the fact that you call women "split tails" has anything to do with it? Perhaps those old girlfriends remember who you were beyond your dress blues........
As to the OP, You say you dont accept women as your equals, I think it is the other way around, you are still living in your high school mentality and "see" who you are like you did in Grade 10, not making the grade, so to speak........
You are projecting all the insecurities from HS onto a group of people that didnt even know you then. | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:12:28 PM | When I was younger I had the same problems myself except with men. Then I enlisted in the Army and lost some weight. I really wasn't that much overweight, I only lost 10lbs but it seemed to really make a difference. I had men chasing me like crazy and to be honest, it seriously confused the hell out of me and scared the shit out of me. Through out school, my entire school years, I only had two boyfriends. I began wearing real loose fitting clothes that hide my shape and the attention died down some. I'm not trying to be mean to you, but men do same thing, except with them it is all about the looks. And be honest with yourself, were you really after all of those girls cause of their "personality" or was it their looks?
I have noticed that guys seem to have a double standard. They think the pretty girls should like them even when they themselves are not attractive, yet not even look at the other girls who are not attractive either. And then you guys get mad at girls who do the same shit that you do. | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:37:45 PM | I really think that women who can demonstrate a good intellect and are worth knowing would do very well to stay away from you.
This is an awful post, so you had a hard life with women in your youth, so what! Many people have and got over it. As they say s**t happens.
What is the point in complaining that you are alone after admitting that you have been horrid and could not pass for a gentleman.
Since when does anyone the right to vent their spite on another who was not part of the original wrong doing.
Self praise and all that ...who said that you were a nice piece of arse.
Rather than nice arse; shallow, self centred, self indugent and cruel comes more readly to mind. ...Oh perhaps a little growing up might also be in order.
I would find it difficult to see this person as an equal.  | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:45:43 PM | I feel the same way OP.
When I was young I was slim and I had bushy thick hair and no woman took an interest in me. I gave away my billion dollar internet marketing business, put 45 kilos on and went to a plastic surgeon to have my hair removed at the roots. I felt so angry at the rejection from women at that time I decided to destroy everything I felt was attractive about me.
Now that I am fat and bald and penniless young model-like women keep throwing themselves at but I say 'No - when I had everything; when I had a Ferrari in the drive and a mansion in the country you weren't interested. Now I have nothing and am undesirable you're all over me. You disgust me, be gone!'
I don't have any problem with resentment or anything but I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts about this? They keep sitting on my lap uninvited and touching me on the arm and stealing my chewing gum from my mouth.
I treat them like shit and tell them to make my tea and fetch my slippers and rub me all over with aromatic oils. My psychiatrist tells me the pills will eventually bring me back to reality and then they'll be able to release me from the padded cell I live in. | |
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:48:51 PM | Did you ever think that some of those women that you have no respect for and you have possibly treated badly in the past are girls who use to be nerds just like YOU...and now they're pretty and successful too....and maybe...just maybe they're looking for the same kindness and respect that you seek BUT you refuse to give.
My advice....YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE!!!
If you're gonna treat women with disrespect then you best accept the fact that the only women who are gonna put up with your DUMB ASS are the ones who couldn't care less about you and only want to use you for your money. After all...you sound like a JERK...so what could you possibly have to offer to A GOOD WOMAN!!!!!!!
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| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/9/2008 7:59:58 PM | The main points I've taken away from what everyone has said are as follows:
- I need therapy. This was, by far, the most common response in this thread. Therapy it is.
- Attraction/repulsion based on looks is natural and is the norm. Understood. Dare I say that realizing this fact of life helped to pull me down into this mess?
- I have low self-esteem. Alright, this was hard to take, but I guess its the truth. Am I angry at the unfairness of being judged based on the way I look, or am I acting out due to a low self-esteem in order to protect myself? Maybe I'm doing both.
- Women wouldn't date me, because I'm an ass. Yes, this is my fear. At the current moment in time I don't have a problem attracting women (granted, the thoughts I shared in my OP haven't ever been told to anyone else), but I'm worried that in the future I'll alienate and repel the woman of my dreams, because I wasn't man enough to get over this dumb sh*t.
- Transitioning/transforming from nerdy to attractive is very common. I can believe this, especially with the examples that have been shared.
- I'm a troll. I suppose this affirms the previous point about nerd to "stud" being cookie-cutter.
- I need to stop living in the past. I agree.
- I need to enjoy my new self. This was another point that was hard to take. I'm definitely afraid of settling into who I have become, because I'm scared I'll go back to the way I was. I mean, I lock up on the thought of getting used to the attention and "acceptance" only to fall back to being nerdy and overweight, then being rejected and avoided by those that once "accepted" me. The fear of relapse also causes resentment, because it leads back to the unfairness (in my mind) of being judged mainly by my cover.
Well, I got some solid advice from this thread, so thank you all very much for responding. I don't know how I'm going to get over this resentment/fear, but therapy seems to be the way to go.
Thanks again.
PS: Its funny how many people got off on "sticking it to me." | |
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Dia623
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Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 49 | |
| I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them).
Posted: 6/9/2008 8:15:11 PM | Hi there!
I know exactly how you feel! But I am the exact opposite....
I was popular in school and always had a lot of attention. I could have dated anyone I wanted. I was very fit and fun.
Now I am 31 and over weight. And practically NO ONE looks at me! I think I am still attractive because of whats INSIDE and I still think I am pretty BUT the attention I get is VERY different. I am currently losing the weight ( I quit smoking and ate A LOT! gained 20 lbs and THEN found out I was pregnant! ugh) SO needless to say I looked quite different then in my younger years. I find myself getting bitter toward men and thinking they are just out for one thing because when I was "hot" guys just LOVED me for my "personality" but now that I put on weight I am no one notices my "sparkling personality"? LMAO! Anyway...I am beginning to lose the weight and starting to get attention again but...I find myself feeling like the peole are just shallow....I still have a long way to go (getting fit) BUT I am scared b/c I think I will just be angry about the attention I get once I AM fit again....my simpathy goes out to you....you are NOT alone... I guess we just ahve to realize that BOTTOM line? People want someone they are attracted to! AND thats that! I know I want to be attracted to whomever I am with so I guess I shouldn't hold a grudge right? Food for thought....,beat of luck! | |
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Dia623
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Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 50 | |
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