| | Does a ring make a difference?Page 2 of 9 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) | OPie ~~ to some it does/ others, not. The thing is she told you clearly and often that it DID matter to her. You thought your reasons were better than hers. Doesn't sound like you talked about it, either.
Live. Learn. And good luck with the listening thing next time around.
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:48:48 PM | If she was constantly asking your about your proposing to her, then she had a direct focus as to where your relationship was 'supposed' to go, according to her book and needs. Be that it didn't happen, she moved on. Telling her that you would ask her when you're ready is a nebulous statement; she needed more than that.
One of my first thoughts was that she was also looking for something different; maybe things weren't as great as you perceived them to be. Her relationship with another man that started months prior, is a good indicator.
Three years is a long time to invest in a realtionship and then have it end this way. Feeling so easily replaceable must be very hurtful and harsh. To answer your question: For some women, the ring means everything. For others, it's not.
Hang in there. Hugs. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:04:39 PM | | You are both young. She sees a ring on your part to commit. I had the same thing happen with my ex and he was a medical doctor. He may have not viewed this lack of ring the same way I did but it was a tip off I should not have married him. FFS it did not have to be some huge diamond, just a token of his sincerity. Now as for the part she is willing to marry a man she has known for her part in only 2 months, that is childish. Seems like she is playing games with you. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 7:35:45 AM | Biology brother - it is all biology. When the female decides it is time for cave and kids, the male had best respond wth tired and ture signals of his commitment or she will find alternatives. The length of time that she "asked about marriage" was proabably the exact time she spent finding a replacement. And she knew everything that she needed to know about him -- she wanted "this" and he was willing to give it to her.
Now a ring. Well, we are talking about about a marketing machine called DeBeers. In the old days, it was land! Not to mention, that lovely practice of dowry ladies.
Before I am stoned in the town square -- see "biology". And talk to the younger set, they are all about the 'bling' . Not many young people marrying someoneand heading off to uncharted territory to carve a life for themselves and their coming family in the wilderness.
Back to the ring. Nothing says bought and paid for like three carats flawless.
Be careful out there and always remember "prenup" . Have fun! :-) | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 7:39:42 AM | The only difference a ring makes is in the size of your bank account.
Save your money and buy a nice TV or something, in the end you'll get more enjoyment out of it.
Tell her it's to spend more quality time on the couch cuddling or something. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 7:48:01 AM | OP, this next part is what makes me identify with your ex. I would have a problem with this at any age:
At that age if my SO didnt talk to me for a few weeks I would probably think it might be over anyway. I agree that she moved really fast into another relationship, but here's the thing... I know that if I were in a long term relationship now, there's no way I'd wait around that long again for someone to make up his mind about a more permanent commitment. I want to get married and I want to have children. I can't do the second part forever, so spending 3-5 years with someone who doesn't want/ isn't ready for the same things isn't worth my time anymore. I already went through that twice. Usually after three years, you either know or you don't. That is, if you even have the same goals in the first place. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:24:57 AM | Dont ask such a silly question. A ring doesnt make a relationship.
First of all dont hold your breath. Show me a post on this website of a long term couple that has lived together. Many statistics show that people that live together rarely if ever stay together long term.
She sounds like a pretty dependent person. I wonder if she doesnt have money problems or doesnt' really have her act together. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:48:19 AM | 24 and 21 is to young to be married. She wanted to know WHEN you would start the plan of life. A ring is a symbol of the START of the plan. The commitment to achieve your plans. So yes the "ring" does make a difference to many women. There comes a time (3 years is plenty) when a women says,"What am I to him? How do I fit into his life? Does he want me to fit into his life? Does he see me as the mother of his children? (your both young) Does he see me as his life partner"?
OP I don't think she was the right one for you. Yes she spent 3 years with you. But she was a teenager most of that time. And not much more than that now. Her running off to get married after knowing someone 2 months is proof of that.
This is a GOOD life learning lesson for you. There is so much positive here. Now you know what to do when you really meet the right women.
Your a very smart young man. Best wishes to you. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 11:45:16 AM | I was with my girlfriend for 3 years and ....She constantly would ask me about when I was going to propose to her. I told her I would when I was ready....
.....she met some guy 2 months ago that proposed to her and she accepted!
The bottom line is, does a ring really make a difference? My 3 years with her, was that not enough commitment? I mean I was going to give her a ring at some point.
Apparently, after 3-years and you never telling her that you DID want to marry her she got tired of never hearing those three little words. No, a ring DOESN'T make a difference...but when she "constantly" asked you over a three year period and you apparently couldn't say, "YES, baby, will you marry me?" ...that tells us much more. You could have shopped for rings together AFTER you had asked her IF YOU HAD WANTED TO MARRY HER. Her desire to be married was something that SHE wanted, and you were unable to provide. She took control of her own happiness out of your hands and has moved on to find the thing that SHE desired to make her happy: MARRIAGE.
Another thing I do not understand is how she leaves me and decides to marry a guy she hardly knows! What do you guys think on this issue?
Maybe she found out all she thought she needed to know about him in just a few months. Like...he loved her enough to want to marry her and wasn't afraid to put her on the back burner for THREE YEARS OR LONGER until he got his career going.
You lost out buddy. Time for you to move on too.  | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:21:09 PM | | It's not just about the ring itself, it's what it represents - promising to be with someone for the rest of your lives. If you get engaged, but then hold off on the wedding until your career is off the ground and you feel ready for that, then that should be enough to satisfy a woman who wants to get married. You could have done that. Or at least communicated to her that she was the one for you. Then she knows that you intend to stick around. I was in a three-year relationship with someone who wasn't ready to get engaged, and I think the thing that concerned me the most was the idea that the relationship could end any time if he didn't intend to marry me, and that we would just keep going on like we were, and one day, 10 years later, he'd up and leave, and then it'd be too late for me to find someone who would stick around for the rest of my life. I would rather cut it off now then have to go through that 10 years into a relationship (like I've seen friends do). | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:33:27 PM | ^^This happens more than you know. I dated a guy many years ago who's previous gf dumped him after TWELVE years of waiting for a ring, a proposal or SOMETHING to show that he wanted to be with her in a committed relationship. According to him he NEVER told her in that time that he wanted to marry her, bought her a ring (not even a "promise" ring), shopped for rings, never lived together...NADA. (According to him, he was NOT leading her on...yea, right.) Yet, she wasted 12 years of her life waiting for this bozo to pull his head out of his a$$ and give her what she just KNEW he was going to give her IF she hung on long enough. He cheated on her right and left the entire time and she turned a blind eye to it, waiting for him to "get it out of his system."
Finally she gave up and moved on....but it still took twelve years for her to see the light. Now, they are both in their 50's, neither has married and I feel sorry for HER that she wasted so much time on this ONE guy, hoping that he would step up to the plate SOME day. She lost her youth and so many potential chances for happiness with someone who truly loved her enough to marry her, chances for children and a loving family waiting to "change" this guy because she thought she could.
As for me and the guy....we dated for about a year but I was quicker to recognize the red-flags and took heed. He's a long-time friend but will never be anything more......to anyone, I'm afraid. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:52:12 PM | | One thing I did was give her a promise ring during our first year together. I guess that was not enough. I was just waiting for the right timing to give her the real ring. I guess it is meant to be this way because I now see who she truly is. She wanted the easy way out and marry someone who had their career going already and was ready to take that next step. There still have been times where she still calls me and wants to talk. I think she is confused, but I am moving on with my life. I will not give her another chance. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:55:09 PM | | I am 100% behind the biology posting, in short, you were completely ignoring her hopes to have children before the years where Down's Syndrome becomes an issue. So just how long was she supposed to shelve her dreams and compromise the future health of progeny for your indifference? You didn't deserve her, and you didn't even give her a ring? Was she worth nothing to you at all? 2 months, she probably had more respect for a man who could make up his mind and get on with life, taking a chance requires an amount of courage and honesty. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:58:20 PM | I have to agree with both of these..
If she loved you.. like truely loved you she would have waited.. but she doesnt talk to you for awhile.. dates some guy for 2 months? and proposes?? HAHAHHAHA good luck with that.. i mean sure theres a chance they might be madly in love and such but I doubt it..
Thank your lucky stars man move on and find someone who will wait for you. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:10:17 PM | I hope she is happy being someone else's puppet because she moved in with the guy already and any dislike this guy has, he is going to kick her to the curb. She was not very independent before this, so she is going have to be careful with this guy. I had 3 years with her and loved her very much, and I knew her well. Her family even liked me. She had her flaws, but it did not matter to me.
I mean tell me, how many of you women would move in with a guy you have known for 2 months??? | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:18:27 PM | | Eazy.... you show some personal issues in here. Who said that she was depandant on him (according to her). Wanting marrying somone is not making him dependant? 2 months may look a little bit fast but I knew some people with whom it was about 6 weeks or so. What males you think that the new man is going to dump her? How do you know? Again, you make assumption on your dating history of 3 years but it is a generalisation... | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:19:06 PM | Have some of you read the entire thread? The girl is 21 years old. Not in her thirties or forties, 21. The poster is 24 and is just now graduating college. Her biological clock can hold awhile...
When you are in your thirties and forties, yes, three years is a long wait with no indication of the future. But he did indicate to this young girl he would ask her when he was ready, and he wasn't ready till he was out of school. If this was your son you'd be glad of his hesitance, and applaud him for his common sense. And if this were my daughter, I'd think she'd lost her mind to be in such a rush to marry at 21.
OP, in my opinion you did the right thing by waiting. I've seen some young girls who just want the fairy tale of engagement and marriage wheedle boys into ridiculously expensive rings meant for couples in a much higher earnings class, and weddings the couple goes into debt for years to pay off, to satisfy a princess fantasy. The money could be so much better spend paying off student debt and making a downpayment on a home. Marriage is challenging enough without starting out in so much debt for one days worth of fantasy. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:21:57 PM |
I hope she is happy being someone else's puppet because she moved in with the guy already and any dislike this guy has, he is going to kick her to the curb. She was not very independent before this, so she is going have to be careful with this guy. I had 3 years with her and loved her very much, and I knew her well. Her family even liked me. She had her flaws, but it did not matter to me.
I mean tell me, how many of you women would move in with a guy you have known for 2 months???
My folks met, courted and got married in a time span of about 4 1/2 months total.
Next month, they'll be celebrating their 47th Anniversary.
Stranger things have happened my friend...
The bottom line is, you weren't ready.
She was.
Whether or not her new relationship works out, is really none of your concern now.
If you had wanted her to stay with you, you knew all you had to do was buy the ring.
You didn't.
...and that's fine because you weren't ready.
She moved on because she was. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:24:59 PM | I think that a couple months of dating is probably too early to get married but I know people who have done it and are still together. I know people who were together for 5 years before marriage, got married and then divorced within a year so I guess it depends on the people.
She wanted to get married and you did not. I can see her point of view of you not giving her a ring after 3 years. But I can see your point of wanting to have a career first. I guess it just meant that it was not meant to be.
~Carrie | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:30:00 PM | | I did not miss my chance. The road to finding the right person is a rocky one. There are many false starts and disappointments and confusions along the way. My expectations for this girl were seriously disappointed. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:30:43 PM | | Consider yourself lucky...you dodged a bullet. She just wanted to get married, and she obviously doesn't care who she gets married TO. You were smart to want to wait till you were ready, but look how easily/fast she replaced you. She didn't love you and she doesn't love this guy...she loves the "idea" of getting married. Let him have her. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:39:04 PM | Quicksilver, you are right in saying that he doesn't deserve her. He actually deserves someone who behaves like an adult.
If you read further, he'd already given her one ring, and IMO a promise ring signifies a commitment. But it wasn't enough for her. She's 21, she's got 15-20 years before she has to worry about down syndrome. This isn't about "babies," it's about the big sparkly thing she wanted to flash around to her friends. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 7:09:33 PM | | My bad, somehow I was thinking she was 26. Still marriage isn't for keeps anyway, its only a milestone, its the diamond that is forever, (laughs). Seconds the lucky escape theme, if you bought a ring, it seems you were genuine. More fish in the sea yet. Damn I'm gonna buy my own sparkly! | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:38:20 PM | | Love has nothing to do with a ring. If you love someone so much, a ring should not matter. Just because everyone does it, does not mean you have to do it. ( Well I was, when the timing was right), but even then what difference does it make. If everyone jumped of a bridge, would you do it? Love has to be worth more than a stone. Yes, you say it is a symbol of love, but true love is what matters most. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/9/2008 4:48:51 AM |
Love has nothing to do with a ring. If you love someone so much, a ring should not matter.
And there is the problem. On the one hand, you said that you loved her and you would have married her once your career got established. On the other hand, you are saying the ring should not matter. Unfortunately, she had a difference of opinion. It mattered to her. Why does that make her bad, or you bad? It just makes you not suited to each other. It sucked that it took 3 years to find that out, but you will recover.
Wish her happiness, and know there is someone out there for you. | |
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