| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:56:17 PM | Sounds like you're pretty much in the same situation that I was in a little more than a year ago. I met this man at work, we hit it off as friends first, then started dating. I knew he had two boys...one by a previous marriage...one from a previous engagement that didn't work out but she became pregnant. I had no problem with him spending time with his boys, I've got kids also even though they are older. However spending time with his boys turned into spending time with the younger boys' Mom too...I tried to be understanding and really I'm not the jealous insecure type. By this time we had gotten serious and were talking about getting married...had even picked out rings. He assured me that he loved me and was over his ex-fiance and just wanted his son to know they had a good relationship. Soon it turned into him being on the phone with his ex-fiance three or four times a day...even when their son was in school. They were taking the boys out to movies, dinners etc together. I was getting pretty fed up with sitting home alone every weekend while they were together with the kids, so one night when he didn't call me before bed like he always did...I went to his house and saw her car in the driveway at 1 AM. I unlocked the door with the key he had give me and there they were...in bed asleep together. I turned on the light and let them know that I was there but calmly left afterward. The biggest betrayal was that he had told her that our talking about marriage was not true... she smirked up at me as she said this and I just walked out. He wanted me back later but I told him that he had done me a big favor, and that I wasn't a fool twice.
Seems like your b/f friend whatever is still just a bit too wrapped up in his wifes' life not just his children...which would be understandable and acceptable. I doubt that he's really ready to move on. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:58:53 PM | Awwww.... how nice for him. He gets all the great "buzz" of starting new, gets all the great familiar involvement with kids and wife (since likely things are BETTER between them on a day to day basis now that their troubles are out in the open and they now realize that THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN has happened, and guess what: there's still hope). Besides all this, he gets to spend time venting with and being emotionally intimate with someone who'll actually listen to his trials with the wife, and is supportive and, likely, affectionate as well.
The best of both worlds, I say. I think this man is a genius!
In all seriousness, find someone in your stage of life. Even if this guy were divorced, his behavior would be the same as it is now, likely. He'll be involved for years to come with the ex-wife as they become "best friends" and raise their children together. Why not find someone who is, as you are, ready to embark on a new chapter and is done with the early, intense years of parenting small children?
I can really empathize with your sentiments:
I am feeling very torn in two at the moment. I tried to end things with him the other night but he said it would be such a shame as he felt we 'clicked' straight away and get on so well and he feels I am very special. He acknowledges that he has a lot to go through but says he really wants to make this work with us.....
If you choose to remain in relationship with this man, at least you know the score. You're providing him with an emotional intimate, perhaps even physically intimate, "safe" zone. Bottom line, while I can empathize also with those who are or have been separated, with respect to getting back out into the dating world -- your guy is still married. He'll divorce when he or his wife decides they're done. They likely aren't yet. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 6:05:10 PM | | I'm there right now. He can't give you as much as you need from him. Accept it or move on. You can't force anyone to change, it has to come from within him. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:33:44 PM | If you find someone that can bring you some happiness, even if it's for a little while why not grab hold of that time? Talk to him! Ask those questions that need to be asked, since he should also be your friend! He's in a transaction period, you must know that...? If young children are involved, they need a lot of attention. It's difficult to give up the family unit...whether it's pretentious or not.
He's there with you now, he's been on his own for a year & 1/2, relax and DATE him.
You don't know the future, so enjoy what you have right now :)
It's a risk dating anyone..... | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:54:27 PM | <<<< shakes her head in wonder as she asks herself the eternal question that keeps coming to mind whenever she hangs out in the forums.....
Why, oh why, do people constantly ask questions to which they already know the answers?
OP, if you didn't already see the red flags, you would not have posted this thread. Make a clean break and get out unscathed. Sounds like the situation will get a lot worse before it starts to get better. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:59:25 PM | | I was actually married to a guy for 10 yrs who had been recently divorced and needless to say now Im divorcing. I felt like the rebound girl all that time. He had kids with his ex and I think we all need some down time after a marriage or serious relationship, not just someone to help you get over thee other. I was his shoulder to lean on and didnt mind being there for him at first but once I fell in love with him, I felt really hurt. I held on to it for our entire marriage which is now over. So I know now what I shoulda known then, give him some space, not in your face lol. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 8:06:15 PM |
...Bottom line, while I can empathize also with those who are or have been separated, with respect to getting back out into the dating world -- your guy is still married. He'll divorce when he or his wife decides they're done. They likely aren't yet.
I too can empathize also with those who are or have been separated, with respect to getting back out into the dating world -- a guy separated is still married in my book. He'll divorce when he or his wife decides they're want to end the relationship officially. Until then, you are the other women on the side and talk about getting a divorce is just talk until the paperwork gets done, the countdown begins and it gets done. To take 7 months, 8 months, 1 year later or however long and still talking about getting a divorce is simply just talk.  | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 8:26:38 PM | It's important to know if people are emotionally single again regardless of whether they are physically separated or not. Whether or not the person is ready for a new relationship depends so much on whether they were the "dumper" or the "dumpee" in their previous relationship. If they were the one to end the relationship, they probably started letting go before the relationship ended but if they were dumped, they generally have a lot of insecurities and also may be trying to hang on to whatever they can from the relationship, whether they are fully aware of this or not. A fantastic book to read is: "Rebuilding: What to do when your relationship ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. I learned so much about myself from that book and it was like he knew exactly what I was thinking when he was writing it.
One thing to consider when you are dating someone who is recently separated, is that you have no idea how long it is actually going to take for them to go through the process of becoming emotionally single again. You have to decide if you are prepared for it to take a long time and to journey with them through that process because it may become very painful for you. You may have to accept too that if you tell them to call you when they are done, that they may find some other supportive shoulder to cry on but that this means that it wasn't meant to be in the first place.
You also have to realize that sometimes when they are finished going through their process and are truly ready for another relationship, they may also be finished with you too, because they associate you with the painful junk that they went through getting out of their relationship and want to be completely free of that pain. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 9:03:01 PM | Look at it this way;
- if he talks about his ex wife... you have no chance
- if he talks about his kids... you have found a good one
- if he talks about both... he could just miss his family life... not the ex
I have been separated for 9 months (from defacto relationship) and I have a 3yr old son. I miss him and I miss my family life... I DONT miss the ex... So you will hear me talking about my son and the fact that I miss seeing him every day!!
Anyway, good luck and time will tell | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:16:30 PM | | i have been seperated for over 6 years. and your first part of your statement is true. i was the one asked to leave the marriage and i tried for several years to fix it. i have gone through the pain and still deal with the occasional sadness of losing her but feel why should i bear the burden of the cost of divorce. the second part about fear of child support is wrong. i have been paying court ordered child support for at least 4 years. i dont know if each states are different but there is no law that says you have to be legally seperated or divorced for the custodial parent to file a child support order. and a note to all who find it difficult to date seperate men. all relationships will have their fair share of challenges and you could be missing out on finding your "mr. right" by not giving us seperated guys a date. one date will not make or break a relationship. its an introduction. jmho. | |
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giopa5
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Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 36 | |
| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:34:54 PM | | From what I've seen of my divorced friends, even a divorce does not end a marriage. There is still the link of co-parenting. Even mutual hostility is a link of sorts which will affect future relationships. All relationships are messy and if you want purity in a relationship you are almost certain never to find it. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:06:05 PM | Please wait unti the ink is dry on the divorce. That is a very difficult thing to go through even if neither cares anymore. Separation is a double edgedd sword. You have people who can't be alone and line up the next person the minute they're "single" in their own minds. Then you have the ones who will have walls built whether they know it or not. Be friends, give it some time and definitely do not meet the children as anything other than daddy's friend and not daddy's "friend".
It'll save you heartache in the end.  | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:38:35 PM | 1 ) Everyone's situation is different
2) Sometimes you meet great people who are compatible who are at a crossroads in their life. Now this guy might not be the one for you, but he might be. Life happens.
3) Not all divorces, especially with children, are easy to pull off very quickly. There are estate issues, money issues, health insurance issues, etc. Divorce tends to be more financially and legally punitive to the guy, unless you know his financial and legal issues, those could very well be reasons for a slower divorce.
4) You should admit one base fact. Most women love attention. Having to co parent and having kids around and taking the probable financial fallout of his divorce into consideration, he can offer you less attention than some other alternatives. It's ok to desire attention. It's not ok to realize he's in a complicated situation, desire attention, walk into the situation and blame him for not giving you what you want. Be fair about it all. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:51:39 PM | I really hope this doesnt sound too harsh - but it seems this new partner is in control of your relationship. When he wants to be with "his" family - he does - and when his wife sends him away, he's back to you. Unfortunately in a lot of relationship break-ups one partner wants "OUT" and the other doesnt. It seems your partner doesnt truly want "OUT", and the wife is possibly toying and messing up your future relationship. Until his wife meets someone else you wont get a true commitment from him, cos he is "hanging-on" in case. I know there are the children to consider, and appreciate the delicate process with meeting them - but 3 days every week with his "WIFE" and the kids is not a true separation.... He should be collecting the children to take them out, and then coming back home. I would ask the question when he is "visiting" his kids are you free to call and make contact with him....? Or does he ignore your calls/give you no contact? Unfortunately in this situation your feelings are already involved, and any advice given to you, will be listened to, and likely to be dismissed. Your feelings are involved, and it takes so much strength to walk away when u click and chemistry is rich, but he is in the driving seat right now and could do you so much emotional damage - I would advise u 2 b strong, nobody can make ur decision - that's up to you. But I wish u all the very best.  | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:56:18 PM | | You have only heard "his side" of this so called separation. He is married. It does not take a year and a half to get a divorce. You should stay away from his kids while he is married. He does not sound like a prize to me. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 7:59:25 PM | Thank you for your common sense about this. Everyones situation is different. My wife walked out 3 years ago but we have not gotten a divorce to save the money on taxes. I might see her 3 to 4 times a year when she comes to get the mail. A piece of paper will not change me, it will only change my legal status. I have no kids with her or desire to get back with her.
But, I still have to say I am married. It is like a bad curse. I have dated and the women understand completely after I tell them the story. I don't talk about her, call her or see her.
It is too bad I will be judged by a label. I think there are alot of 'single' guys that will jerk women around alot more than I will. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:18:09 PM | If I were you I would just move on. Save yourself from a big heartache . He is still married and been separated for a year and a half. Come on wake up and smell the coffee . He just may go back to his wife and kid(s) . I have never dated a guy who is just separated on pof. I made sure that he was not married at all . I wish you well and good luck !!
cancer45 | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:22:16 PM | I would not continue dating him. I tried to give this one guy on POF a chance....he was separated then he told me he was divorced after we decided to go out then he said he had "issues" with his divorce papers. I decided I did not want the complications of THAT.
Until the guy is free and clear and has had time to grieve over the loss of the marriage I would move on. Apparently he hasn't since he seems to bring up his wife quite often. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:23:35 PM | For the record... Im separated............have been for 1- 1/2 years now. I am now dating, but I did wait a year to get my head and heart right. There may be many reasons for a delay in divorce..... I would not presume if I were you. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:26:24 PM | I will give you a straight up answer. Don't! He is still married and you never know the outcome of him and his wife's relationship. I say this, I was separated and some guy took advantage of that. Needless I lost my wife at that point. So don't do it.
This could create additional problems for him in his separation. I still call it an affair. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:26:30 PM | I make it a habit to immediately reject separated people. To me, that means they're still married. In your situation, I would already be moving on. Even when dealing with someone who has been divorced, sometimes they really haven't given themselves time to really be single again and truly ready for another relationship.
It really sounds as if he hasn't really finished grieving the loss of his marriage. Why torture yourself with someone who isn't emotionally available? | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:30:46 PM | Mizzi
Eventually, and I mean eventually, this will work itself out. If you give it time. Understand that (and I am simply referring to my own past situation of the same type) he is there for his kids. Women do not understand how much we guys miss our kids when there is a separation/divorce. Most times its the woman that gets the kids and dads are the ones delegated to seeing their kids on weekends, holidays etc. It is rare that couples end up with joint custody. My daughter turned 16 in May. I have her life chronicalled in photographs. Because our divorce child custody agreement said, two weeks in the summer. Every other weekend Friday at 6pm to Sun at 6pm. Christmas - Dec 23rd to noon Dec. 25th. Father's day. Now I know this next statement might have a lot of the ladies here down on my neck, maybe some will agree.
Women often use the children as a weapon against their ex's. Punishing their ex for the failed marriage and a million other reasons. Now some of us guys deserve it. I do volunteer work concerning families and victims of domestic violence/abuse. The things I have seen and heard..... But have you ever asked him if he is made to feel guilty by his ex concerning their children? It comes in very subtle ways sometimes. Maybe he is feeling guilty thinking he is a lousy dad because the marriage failed and he's screwed up his kids life. More then likely its because he is missing the h*** out of his kids.
Eventually it will work itself out. If you really care about the guy, I know its hard, but if you are supportive as you seem to be, it'll be ok. Also - making room in your life for im and his kids will help. Don't make the mistake of alienating yourself from them. They are and forever will be part of his life. Maybe start off by planning day trips... not as an extended family... but just as an outting to let you get to know them and them you.
sorry this is so piecemeal. But also know, as a guy, also separated, but who's kids are much older, I think you are one great lady. You see the man, you see the situation and you are confused as any normal person in that situation would be whether to stay or to go.... But the tone of your posting gives me a clue that you really do, in your heart of hearts, want to stay....
Chase | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:12:52 AM | | Basically you need to talk to him about the things that you are concerned about and te;ll him what you would like to happen (within reason of course).If you both cannot come to a satisfactory conclusion leave it.I would say this guy needs time.Time in most break up situations is the most important factor. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/22/2008 8:10:59 AM | In a crazy world we run into some crazy situations. In some of the responses the theme is running "he gets the best of both worlds" and of course there is the ever present "he is still married'" and to add to it all, he is spending more than what many might consider appropriate time with her and the kids.
The best of both worlds seems to have come at a very high price. Personally I am EXTREMELY grateful to be out of the 12 year mental, physical and finacnial torture session I was in, and frankly will never be friends with the mother of my son. In fact, she really has no real friends...
So he is still married. I wonder why? This might be something for you to dig into, but probably not very hard with him. Pressure will merely end up pushing you away as he is (hopefully) gently extracting himself from marriage and still trying to spend time with the kids.
I am envious of a marriage that is ending that both partners end up good friends. And why should it not be that way? Time spent, the ups and downs, and the kids...
The true telling part of this one will be his reaction when she tells him or he finds out about his replacement... :)
Good Luck! | |
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