| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:44:19 AM | My guy and I have very different ideas of what we want/need. It takes a lot of open communication and patience on both parts to make things work. We have our differences, our arguments. But it's important to share feelings or discuss things that are bothering us.
Some differences create large obstacles in our relationship. But the only thing you can do is take it day by day, and "cross that bridge" when the time comes. We had one fight recently, and didn't talk for three days, and finally I emailed him. A very long email listing the things I needed from him. While we didn't come to an instant solution over the e-mail, we are both working on the list to keep each other happy and meet each other's needs.
Can everyone work like this? Probably not. The key is open and constant communication. The trick is to compromise and have patience. If you find your needs and wants from a relationship are complete opposite of each other, chances are, no matter how hard you work or how badly you want things to work, success in the relationship will be slim. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:23:32 PM | | Thanks Gypsie! And talking with each other requires both to be willing and receptive. I'm thinking I'm receptive...swearing, followed by hang-ups doesn't seem receptive: I'm left wondering only this: am I passive aggressive, or why is the whole thing "my problem" ...Gypsie's guy is at least willing to read an email, listen to a phone message, accept a phone call. And that would be enough to keep communication open. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:34:34 PM |
When I felt my needs weren't being met I did address the issues with my husband, at the time, but he never saw any problems. Needless to say, that was really the beginning of the end. Each person has to have a willingness to hear what their mate is saying and at the very least acknowledge it. Course, each time I'd try to communicate my feelings about a situation effectively the end result was being ignored.
I think this is usually what happens. One person has a problem, tries to talk to the other about it and it falls on deaf ears.
Good communication requires both people to be willing to talk and listen and hear the other. When only one person is listening or doing the compromising, the is the beginning of the end.
With my first husband, he always thought it was some battle that he had to win. You don't realize these deep seated things about a person until you are with them for awhile. He was secretive and competitive. Our marriage didn't survive. I don't think to this day he understands why I left.
With the last relationship, any attempts at communication were met with silence.
I don't get how these people expect to be with someone long term if they won't communicate. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:17:17 AM | I'm beginning to understand that, although the 'net seems to have an abundance of folks with unsocial behaviors, some marriages have survived decades with sub-dateable behaviors.
he always thought it was some battle that he had to win. You don't realize these deep seated things about a person until you are with them for awhile. He was secretive and competitive. Our marriage didn't survive. I don't think to this day he understands why I left.
With the last relationship, any attempts at communication were met with silence
I don't get how these people expect to be with someone long term if they won't communicate..
I think these people expect to be with someone because "it worked" in the past...as in "just good enough"...not "hmmm...am I cooperating in this marriage/relationship?"
Annual performance reviews, budgets, quarterly report cards--all of these are ways to convey performance, needs, places for improvement--expectations.
For those who surmise "love me as I am" will get them what they think they deserve--be it money, affection, devotion, or sex---eeeeeeehhh. How NOT to have a relationship. Would they expect to make first string in a sports team with the same lack of concern? I don't think so. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:23:02 AM | | OP. I'd say the key is to make sure the person you're with is right for you initially, rather than trying to change them. Once you are with a person you should be able to accept them (warts and all) because after all by this time you are supposed to love them, and that is what love is, the exception and understanding of who a person is on the inside including the bits that aren't perfect. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 4:48:42 AM | | its all to do with COMMUNICATION based on radical honesty based on total transparency right from the start...declare hidden skeletons,warts and all from the start...radical honesty from day one is the key to a.) call it a day at early stage..b.) may be the foiundation of a successful association....sadly...the current culture is full of ( beating round the bush tendencies)..... | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 59 | |
| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 4:57:33 AM |
I don't get how these people expect to be with someone long term if they won't communicate
Who expects long term?
I'm perfectly content to have sex and go home afterwards.
All this talk of "communication this" and "communication that".
Yawn.
"My needs aren't being met".
Use a vibrator then. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 5:07:03 AM | | ..you are a victim of current cultural linguistic deviation...people say exept when they mean Accept...they say,very irritatingly BAYthoven when it should be BEEEEEthoven...they say SERIOUS when meaning SEEERIES,....plus intrusion of americanised Mcdonaldy ruination of the English language...like PLOW instead of PLOUGH.....Realize...instead of RealiSe....thru ...instead of Through....Fetus...instead of Foetus....soon we will speak with Mcdonald burgers stuffed in our mouths only comprehensible to people from Noddies Sahara tribes..... | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 61 | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 5:18:16 AM | | ..my dear lady...you are being dishonest..! as soon as I read " he had issues handling money"...! OOOOH this is so revealing...obviously this is more revealing than you think...you better examine your conscience...proves my current beliefs : the world is becoming totally materialisticcaly centred..couples should SAIL THE WAVES of everydays life...not alwyas smooth..love=forgiveness/ forgiveness= love...where is tolerance and reverence gone...? sad world.... | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:15:14 AM | ^^^you say-
"....proves my current beliefs : the world is becoming totally materialisticcaly centred..couples should SAIL THE WAVES of everydays life...not alwyas smooth..love=forgiveness/ forgiveness= love...where is tolerance and reverence gone...? sad world.... "
please know, there is still much tolerance and reverence in the world - it is just not as obvious on many of the forum threads here - which indicates it is sadly lacking from many of the people too...but alas, if you look around and more deeply, you will see its existence here too, just not so obviously, for the positive threads tend to die off early.....don't ask me why...perhaps because they are far less debatable and that is the mission statement, unfortunately, of these threads.....but there is one recent thread that survived, so if you want reassurance or inspiration many know sincerely about love and forgiveness, perhaps you might like to check out the 'ripple effect' thread.  | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:29:30 AM | .
you are a victim of current cultural linguistic deviation...people say exept when they mean Accept...they say,very irritatingly BAYthoven when it should be BEEEEEthoven...they say SERIOUS when meaning SEEERIES,....plus intrusion of americanised Mcdonaldy ruination of the English language...like PLOW instead of PLOUGH.....Realize...instead of RealiSe....thru ...instead of Through....Fetus...instead of Foetus....soon we will speak with Mcdonald burgers stuffed in our mouths only comprehensible to people from Noddies Sahara tribes...
In case you hadn't noticed (most learned of people) I apologised for my misuse of the English language on my next posting. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:27:12 AM | Get a friend to Call them up from an unknown phone number and pretend to be carrying out a market research call. Ask away!
Women love talking about themselves ..she'll talk forever.
or. Just sit her down and say "Wod up yo?" | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:45:09 AM | just good enough"...not "hmmm...am I cooperating in this marriage/relationship?"
Annual performance reviews, budgets, quarterly report cards--all of these are ways to convey performance, needs, places for improvement--expectations.
For those who surmise "love me as I am" will get them what they think they deserve--be it money, affection, devotion, or sex---eeeeeeehhh. How NOT to have a relationship. Would they expect to make first string in a sports team with the same lack of concern? I don't think so.
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Wonderful post Yoodle, I'm giving you 10 bonus points for it. Especially in regards to couples being willing to "review" their relationship without malice, inhibition, or cliches.
Hey Shimbo, a lot of us do that. What kind of Vibrator do you like? There are other things you can do to for sexual variety when you are alone, after you've been dumped and "really need to do it".
OH! This is F'in the BEST: (((Get a friend to Call them up from an unknown phone number and pretend to be carrying out a market research call. Ask away!
Women love talking about themselves ..she'll talk forever.))) Can we get someone to do that asap and tell us what happened?
hey this is me 10 minutes ago: ((( we speak with Mcdonald burgers stuffed in our mouths only comprehensible to people from Nudies Sahara tribe.)))
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 10:12:21 AM | Alot of good input. First is knowing when the right time to discuss certainly aspects of things - I mean beyond just getting to know each other. Heck just trying to time the "exclusivity" talk seems to be a major mission. I think alot of the issues are meant for talks between to committed couples.
Many things can be decided when just getting to know each other. Someone was talking about being vegan. Tho I don't know alot about it I would imagine that to be a pretty simple thing to speak about with a potential and know straight up if it will be a problem. Same as monogomy vs polyamorous (exclusive vs open).
The harder issues are the ones that take consideration/communication (and that is NOT where I would be doing all the talking and he listens, communication is give and take on both parts)/respect and willingness to work things out.
For me it is so important that if I have an issue to deal with, that I be willing to listen to his reply, that I in no way accuse or attack (put someone on the defense is usually the quickest way to a fight or just ended the convo). My point is I find I often had issues that when discussed, found out that it was my own misconception or misunderstanding or lack of communication. Again that word - communication. It is so important yet very few seem to be able to do it effectively when it comes to matters of the heart.
In order to work through things each person must not only be willing to communicate and listen to the other but be open to the other's point of view. If I go into a discussion thinking I am the only one with a concern, that "the floor is mine" and feel I am right then I am already messing up. Gotta have the right attitude. Don't be part of the problem be part of the solution. | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 68 | |
| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 10:20:05 AM |
Again that word - communication. It is so important yet very few seem to be able to do it effectively when it comes to matters of the heart
Sex - Yes / No
Dinner - Where?
What's so hard to "communicate" here? | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:57:54 PM | Yeah, Shimbo, here's a can of Chef Boyardee and a plastic spoon. Your dinner.
Sex? See your hand? There!
See ya! (next week, next month...last time you got emotional...you seemed to be COMPLAINING. )
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Oh. Here's another one. Dinner? Where?
Walk up to the door.
"I don't want to pay for decorations."
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Oh. Here's three more. Dinner? Where?
Walk in.
Sit down.
"The waitress seems kinda fat." (or some other dump-on-others comment).
"My kids are dissing me."
Bill comes.
I pay.
"Seems kinda expensive." (not "Thank you!)...next date: drives up in new BMW.
Ah, but is that meeting expectations.... | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:29:29 AM | What a load of bollocks!!!!
And a Man wrote this???
Easy to preach radical honesty and commiunication but if you dont follow your preachings then whats the point?
Better for the man surely to hide away in ''his cave'' and pretend situations dont exsist!
Better to ignore any situation and it will finaly dissapear ........ in your head anyway! | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:01:25 AM | | Maybe I am more open then most.... I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I couldn't talk to! If it's not going the right direction... TELL HIM.. wouldnt you want to know? | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:14:09 AM | rune (msg 23): I just love the rhubarb 93 times! But even better, the human sacrifice thing. Great humor. More difficult to pull off in a truely problematic situation--but I think it's hilarious now.
olyman: thanks for the 10 points! Can I cash them in at a S&H Greenstamp store? Well, openness is how I've grown friendships: some amazing facts have been divulged among acquaintances and even strangers...and communication happens. I know it's possible. And, as so many have reminded us: it takes two.
crzywhitegrl: Maybe that's the lesson I have to learn--more importantly, though, I need to have that conversation with myself: some voice inside that says I may be (accused of being) too demanding if I bring up anything that could be construed as a complaint...when EVERYTHING could be construed as a complaint by this person--it didn't matter how it was couched--in good joo-joo, third person allegories, or nonchelant roll with the punches humor. | |
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