| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:03:23 PM | Perhaps there should be a new publication from the "Emily Posts" of the on-line world: Etiquette for Cyber Dating in the 21st Century: All the Rules You're Dying to Know, but Feel Too Stupid to Ask. Obviously, there's only a nebulous sort of consensus on when and if to remove or change your profiles when both partners are or have been seeking love on-line. Generally speaking, I fall into the camp that believes that any move to remove or change your on-line dating status should -- in practical terms -- be balanced (e.g. whenever the discussion occurs to become exclusive, say, both should change their profiles to indicate they're in a relationship, or both should hide their profiles if that's the desired change, or both should delete if that's what is mutually desired).
The caveat to the above is to do what you feel most comfortable with, in terms of how you approach changing or hiding or deleting your own profile. And don't be loud and vociferous to your partner about this, either. It's not a race to commitment -- if it makes sense to you to change your profile at some point, do so. And, unless you've both made a mutual decision to make such changes and your partner fails to follow through, let them approach this issue in whatever way they're most comfortable. You have the option then, of learning a lot about how they approach dating, and also to accept or reject them based on what you learn.
Finally, although there may never emerge clear "rules" or standards of behavior with respect for dating profiles, and at best the process of approaching this topic in the early stages of relationship may always be plagued with trepidation and hesitancy (i.e., no one wants to appear needy, clingy, possessive, etc. by jumping ahead before the relationship has been made mutually exclusive through direct communication), the key to remember is that it's REAL WORLD BEHAVIOR that should determine your reaction to whatever you partner wants to do with their profile. As IronHorseTamer said so eloquently:
just because he has a profile here doesn't mean he's looking. Just because he doesn't have his profile here doesn't mean he's not.
So, go forth and have discussions with your prospective partner, and act accordingly. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 6/9/2008 2:58:26 PM | | I am with blue on this one, my boyfriend have a similar agreement. We both have on our profiles, "not single/not looking" only here for forums. I trust him, he trusts me not to meet people behind his/my back. I think it's fine to still be on the website as long as you're not meeting people for potential dates or as another post is going on "looking for something better". | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:10:46 PM | | It's got to be mutual. Simply put, BOTH sit down and have that talk. If you aren't on the same page, then keep your profile up. At the same token, keep your knickers on too! | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:19:34 PM | | It's a dating site. In my book if he wants to do forrums he can use yahoo. Use myspace for keeping in touch- but yahoo can do that too.Once people get together and decide that they want to try the green mile together, they should both remove their profiles. In my book he's looking for something better. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 6/9/2008 7:07:38 PM | | I SERIOUSLY doubt that there are some friends with whom he needs to stay in touch. Agree with the above there are different ways to stay in touch with friends other than keeping your profile on a dating website. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:59:53 PM | Dating is not a relationship, is just dating!
When is time to remove the profile? When the dating thing would turn into a relationship; which means we are exclusive and no need to keep looking.
It's ok if he still has friends and want to be here, but I think he could easily change his profile to not single/not looking.
I he refuses most probably he is still looking and not here just for the friendship.
Talk with him and decide according what makes you feel good. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/13/2008 11:33:33 PM | | When he asks you to be exclusive and both of you agree to remove your profiles at the same time. His refusal to take his profile down means he may like you and want to spend time with you, but for whatever reason still needs to see who else is out there. Translation: he is interested but not yet comitted to you. The friends he is referring to are women he has met on site, has possibly dated or would like to date. You can not force a man into commitment by demanding it from him or becoming committed to him first. All removing your profile is doing is declaring you think he is the one when he may not even be available for that honor. It doesn't matter if both of you are looking for a long term partner, the chemistry is great, and he calls you every day. An uncommitted man is an uncommited man. He may think you are great but there may be someone even greater around the corner. Until he has said he wants to be exclusive and removes his profile, he is dating others. Period. The rest is all fluff so you don't feel bad or stop seeing him altogether. You should not have removed your profile without him asking you to, but if you have and he said he does not want to remove his' put yours back up and date others because he is subtly telling you that, at least for the time being, you are NOT the one. This is particularly the case if he is still adding pictures and or making changes to his profile. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/14/2008 11:08:14 PM | if he doesn't remove his profile then you are just someone to date til someone better comes along.
also, he is not only keeping his options open, but he is using you as a placekeeper in the interum. fun. nice guy.
it's guys like this that make men lament ever having a heart.
run away. that's what i say...
lar | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/16/2008 1:07:38 PM | | If i was, and have been with someone that shows no interest in removing or at least not logging into dateing sites then thats not the kind of selfish uncareing person i want to be with anyway. I won't point out any names and have been with a women who said the same thing said on here as well " Who are you to ask me to ( put anything here) I don't see a ring on my finger. Thats the lamest,lowest most childest thing i have ever heard. Just because your not married means you cant care about someone? So if your given that ring that means now he (earned) that love?? bullcrap keep feeling that way, do everything for yourself. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/16/2008 1:12:20 PM | Your dating but.. Uhhh Look you guys may not be on the same page here. Happens all the time. But this is SIMPLE Darlin. (long sigh...) It sounds like your assuming some things. Did you guys have "the talk" you know the one where you agree to be EXCLUSIVE?
At that point you both hide your profiles. Until you have that talk and agree to basicaly try and get into an exclusive dating relationship then your just dating Darlin. Nothing more.
He can still talk to friends on here with a hidden profile. I have done this a couple times and given my S.O. my password if she had any doubts as to who I was talking to as I had nothing to hide and played in the forums.
But it doesnt sound like you guys ever had that "talk" and reached that agreement have ya? Because yes hiding your profile is part of that agreement. To concentrate on each other. It sounds.... and I am reading between the lines here... that your making some assumptions perhaps and you guys are not on the same page.
Because if you didnt have "the talk" and agree to be exclusive then uhhh NO HE ISNT CHEATING. and all that claim he is are full of it. They are only dating.
Now if I am wrong... and she never said they agreed to be exclusive here that I have read then folks they are just dating..... and you can date multiple people even much less keep a profile up. There is NO commitment yet.
She needs to sit down and ask if he is ready to truly be exclusive and if so YES he needs to at least hide his profile at that point. Or she needs to bail and find someone else.
Cheers
Cowboy | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/16/2008 4:06:20 PM | Friends=giving them your email address.
I suppose if I met someone this would need to be discussed by the both of us. Since I am so far from that I will continue to make friends here and be on the forums.
This is only something you and he can discuss and come to an agreement. If you both are not on the same page then maybe you need to find this out now before it goes further. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/18/2008 1:24:52 AM | CAN YOU SAY...BUH BUH?????
I had one of those...he was active every day but friends told me he was just checking to see if I was online....WRONG!!!
At the point I removed myself, I thought I had FOUND IT....
Oh, I FOUND IT all right....6 mos of heartache.
Is it worth it to be with a DOG???? Oh hell no.
Then I found someone in real time....who wanted younger women. AS IF....
I havent given up on it..not yet. I have a long distance that shows promise but I still have to maintain my own life. We shall see....we shall see... | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/18/2008 1:31:13 AM | This is a simple trust issue really don't you think?
I don't see any reason why you HAVE to hide or remove your profile. Particularly if your friend will not hide his. He could actually be telling you the truth about his friends.
After all if he had something to hide - he's remove it and set up another one.
I used to allow my ex-partner to read any messages or login anytime she wanted as I could with her. We did a few times and would be 100% honest about messages anyway so it never became an issue.
Trust and security.... Can really mess up a relationship - don't let it start over something that is probably completely innocent.
TFK | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/18/2008 1:36:30 AM | | If he changes his status to not single/not looking. I am still here and I am in a new relationship. I hid my profile, changed my status, and stated in my profile I am here for forums. I can still message people. So, if someone stayed here simple to keep in communications with friends, they could do the same. But keeping it up/open and not changing status? Sounds like he still fishing. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/19/2008 7:47:37 AM |
But keeping it up/open and not changing status? Sounds like he still fishing.
This I tend to agree with, but my experience is they will deny that (let's see if I finally learned how to quote?) | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 10/19/2008 9:01:14 AM |
It's got to be mutual. Simply put, BOTH sit down and have that talk. If you aren't on the same page, then keep your profile up. At the same token, keep your knickers on too!
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 11/19/2008 10:22:46 PM | i totally believe in taking off the profile when u start getting serious with someone.
but u have to be sure that both of yas are seeing things the same way.that your on the same page when it comes to your interest with each others.its never a good idea to take off your profile too quick and then expect the other person to feel the same way when they might not be on the same level of seriousness as u are and u might make them feel pressured to take it off when they didnt want to.
if i really liked someone a lot and they felt the same in return and we both wanted to date exclusively and start something serious then for sure i would totally take off my profile with no hesitation and regrets.but only if the other does the same.
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 11/19/2008 10:40:30 PM | My last relationship I actually forgot to delete my profile. So the profile was still up, but I hadn't logged into it for 5 or 6 months. Then once we broke up I ended up deleting it because it was back to being on my mind, then of course when I was ready to date again back up it went. Obviously if either partner is actively using their profile then they are either a) using the forums b) have friends they talk to or c) are looking for their next relationship.
Talk to them about it, obviously if it's a) or b) they will have no problem telling you about it and may even not mind showing you who they chat with. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 11/19/2008 10:44:13 PM |
at what point do you remove your profile? and what if you remove yours but he does NOT want to remove his? saying he still has friends that he talks to on here??? what then?
OP -- I can sum up, for myself at least, all of your questions with the following one answer...
It wouldn't matter if we had a "talk" about this or not, and it woudn't really matter if she removed hers (assuming she had one)...I'll remove my profile when I am damn well ready to do so. She can "talk" all she wants, my profile here stays here til the day comes that *I* get bored enough with it to wanna cancel it.
Just because we become exclusive, doesn't in any way entail me giving up my activities, including forums/chat/emails/IM's/etc. I'll never give up my identity for a woman. For anyone for that matter. If they're seriously that bothered by it, and would push the issue, they'd be gone. Shed like dead skin. I have no tolerance for insecure types like that, who would expect me to abandon everything just for them.
Never. Gonna. Happen.
I had a life before her, and I'll still have one long after she's gone. I respect that she's coming into the relationship with presumably her own life, so she needs to respect the same.
Pretty simple really.
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 11/20/2008 7:45:17 PM | | I have e-mail/chat friends from all over the country that I've made on POF, and I'm active on the forums. If I became exclusive with someone I would change the status on my profile to "not single/not looking", but if someone really wants to cheat, this is hardly the only avenue. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 11/20/2008 7:59:20 PM | | You can really like somebody, but if they have their sneakers on and are ready to run, you can't control that. At what point do you remove or talk about removing profiles??? When you are secure in your relationship. I don't know. I have dated some men on here and like your question on this posting. If we have to question somebody's love then where is their a relationship??? It sounds more like convenience dating because he is there. When that man makes you feel like you are the only one and there is nobody in the world but you~which is different then "YO MAN this is my girlfriend" but makes you feel loved, then conversations of profiles and everything should be fluent. Sounds like both of youshould step your relationship up a notch in the communication area and discuss your feelings toward eachother and how committed you both are. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 11/20/2008 8:02:45 PM | I agree with blueyze..
I started seeing a guy early this past year who made it a point to tell me that he only dated one woman at a time..but he was on this site trolling 3 and 4 times a day!!! So I guess he was always looking for something better.. But he exhibited some jealousy when we went out to a movie and a male friend of mine kept on making eyes at me in order to tease me about being out with a man(I didn't notice him but my guy friend did and he wasn't real happy about it).. So see.. he was the one that had the problem not me.. while yes he dated one woman at a time he was always looking for someone better.. and then had the nerve to be jealous??? sheesh...
That didn't bother me.. I just found someone else to date while I dated him hahahaha..
In all honesty though.. I don't think it matters much.. but if he kept his up I'd keep mine up.. I don't get much mail anyway so it didn't matter with me.. and if he doesn't bring it up I wouldn't bring it up either.
For me it is a matter of pride.. you know??
So I would not hold him too tightly hold him loosely.. and don't be concerned about it.. if he belongs to you he will stay. Let him notice that your profile is still here for a change.. and let him bring it up.. and tell you whether or not it is time to delete or hide. If he doesn't bring it up.. or change it himself then it isn't time. | |
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| you remove your profile but he does not remove his
Posted: 11/20/2008 9:38:35 PM | Great relationships are based on boundaries .. intimacy, phenomenal connections are based on privacy .. it is between two people .. not something for the worlds largest dating site...if you want something great you have to invest in it for it to be great. When you know you have something that you believe is great, it is not expressed to anyone else ... it is none of their business... couple means .. two..
I think alot of people on this site get this idea they are giving something up if they leave this site .. where being engaged in the mating process of something real is far healthier than sitting in front of a screen chatting with people who are not really relevant in your lives other than superficial chit chat ... or offering opinion where just having a real presence in someones life is far more rewarding. In order to have deep you have to dive deep... and this site is not what I would call an exemplary foundation of depth in any way shape or form .. it has been a learning experience as to why alot of people cannot form bonds .. and the lack of desire to do the work necessary to make it work.... you cannot have a good relationship without transitions and changes .. there are shifts and these shifts are healthy in order to form closer bonds...
Because men and women's brains are very different .. I believe that woman who bond with communication may actually continue successfully chatting.. even if it is to switch to other methods of keeping in touch with forum friends , but men do not bond the same way.. they bond thru action so the idea of a guy sticking it out here to just chat is BS... they are still one step in or out of the cookie jar... and any guy that states he wants to continue on this site and not be interested in spending the rest of his life getting to know you because he is compelled to understand you .. is a guy you dump back into the pond .. life is too short to not have a guy who really desires to be an intense and passionate partner in your walk of real life ..
Real guys feel the need to make sure that his partner is protected and safe.. he wants to make sure that you reinforce this with action... action is love... if you are not moved to change then you have met someone not ready to love .. as in order to believe you have to prove you are worth believing in .. or it does not work... Real men will do to make you believe .. they are hot .. they are also very rare in this big old world ..strong personal character in a man is a dying ingredient of our societies ... too bad .. maybe some day it will make a comeback.. | |
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