| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/10/2008 11:46:05 AM |
I'm with you OP. The sexual relationship is what differentiates lovers from just friends...........Withholding sex, particularly in a MARRIAGE is nothing short of emotional abuse, manipulation and selfishness.
I agree BooBoo. Unless there is a physical reason why a person cannot have sex, there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for a person to not have sex with the person they're married to and supposedly still love assuming they're still living together and not in the process of divorce. What is just as outrageous and selfish is when the person withholding sex also demands sexual loyalty from their partner. My husband picked fights with me and then wouldn't touch me in any way. During an argument about it, I asked again if he was having an affair and he said no he wasn't having sex with anyone else, but it didn't really matter because he wasn't having sex with ME. It was one of those lightbulb moments when I understood that proving to me that he didn't want me on any level was the most important thing to him. He had absolutely no performance problems and the sex was good for both of us when I swallowed what little was left of my pride and made yet another attempt to have a normal healthy marriage by being the one who initiated the sex and getting him to come back to bed (until he decided to pick another fight and start the entire stupid game over again). If I had ever cheated on him or humiliated him I could have possibly understood why he ignored me sexually and why he wouldn't even tell me I looked nice once in a while. He was an alcoholic but if he had not chosen to ignore me sexually during most of our marriage, I would have stayed anyway because our life in other ways was really good. Sex is the one thing that distinguishes romantic and marital love from all our other relationships. A marriage without sex is not a marriage unless both people are happy with that arrangement and although I never cheated or even flirted with the idea of cheating, I can understand that a person in a sexless marriage might be justified in doing so if they didn't want to leave the marriage because of kids still at home. If I had known then that he would be so vindictive when I left and that I would lose every single thing I had worked for during my life and that my credit would be destroyed, I would have stayed in the marriage, stayed in the home I loved, not lost all our properties, and would have had affairs to keep from feeling so lonely and undesirable. A person who withholds sex yet wants their partner to stay with them doesn't deserve any better than that. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/10/2008 12:04:46 PM |
I would have stayed in the marriage, stayed in the home I loved, not lost all our properties, and would have had affairs to keep from feeling so lonely and undesirable. A person who withholds sex yet wants their partner to stay with them doesn't deserve any better than that.
^^^And there you have it! Do people understand what it is they drive others to do when acting so selfish? We all get on about married folks wanting some on the side, but this is a prime example of why. Not that I condone it cuz I don't. But clearly, a great deal of harm is done to others when we withhold the very necessitites of a relationship!
Candy? I am damned glad to now able to enjoy the opportunity of having a willing partner in your life. Just sorry that you had to sacrifice to much to get it. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/10/2008 12:22:23 PM |
I would have stayed in the marriage, stayed in the home I loved, not lost all our properties, and would have had affairs to keep from feeling so lonely and undesirable. A person who withholds sex yet wants their partner to stay with them doesn't deserve any better than that.
And there you have it! Do people understand what it is they drive others to do when acting so selfish? We all get on about married folks wanting some on the side, but this is a prime example of why. Not that I condone it cuz I don't. But clearly, a great deal of harm is done to others when we withhold the very necessitites of a relationship!
Moon, I hate to disagree with you!! But, it would be my guess this is an exception as to why someone would go outside the marriage for sex and not the norm.
There are a lot of married people who have affairs and have plenty of sex at home. Most people cheat more for empowerment and emotional than lack of sex. JMO | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/10/2008 12:42:00 PM | Moonchild, I seldom have sex now either since I'm not in a serious relationship, but you're right that at least it's possible that one day I may find someone who cares about me as a person and also lusts after me  The problem with being a single woman is that most men only pretend to want a relationship when in reality they just want sex. That's been discussed countless times but on the other hand, if it weren't a very real problem, women wouldn't keep compaining about it. Most men don't seem to understand that for the vast majority of women, sex just for the momentary physical pleasure leaves us feeling cold and empty and the momentary pleasure just isn't worth the emotional price we pay afterwards. Affairs wouldn't have really worked for me either, but I can understand that some people might choose that option if they're in a sexless marriage and don't want to leave because of finances or kids. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/10/2008 1:50:59 PM | I wouldn't stay in a marriage where the sexual libido was that off balanced, no matter what that balance was. There are just too many other things one has no control over happening, but not being sexually happy with someone I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, no, that is something I can control. I don't need a spouse who won't be intimate with me, things happen that might have to be worked around, but a clashing libido, no thank you. The thing is, I wouldn't have stayed long enough to have children brought into it or to spend most my adult life and then think what??? it might work later, if it ain't working and it can't be fixed it's best to leave before so much is involved. Since you have put up with this all this time and done so much for her and getting nothing in return, why shouldn't she expect the status quo? What reason has she to change anything, she's got a great deal and has to put out zero effort.
She shut down from the beginning, you stayed anyway, sounds like she's been honest with you, so why did you stay? | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/10/2008 5:33:57 PM | For me it would depend upon the situation and I hope I am not missing the boat here by what I am about to state.. But.. it would depend for me. Let's say I had a husband who could not have intercourse for what ever reason.. but he would kiss me passionately, hold me, give me physical touch.. you know there ARE other ways to express sexual desire than just intercourse. I have had the extreme good fortune to have a sexual interaction with someone from across the room before.. that left me breathess and wanting more. I had dated a man before with MS and he was in a wheel chair but the chemistry between us was magnetic.. we definately had strong sexual chemistry between us.. it is just that mechanics were different.. he had a way of looking at me into my eyes that showed me that he wanted me in a sexual context. I truely would have considered marrying him and spending the rest of my life with him if other things had worked out.
So for me it would depend.. Now if I had a partner who never did hold me or kiss me or demonstrate his desire for me that would hurt terribly especially if it was a matter of his choice in the matter.
I honestly though think that a bond between a man and a woman can go much deeper than sex.. but I find it hard to believe if there is a close bond that some type of sexual energy between the two does not happen in some form or another whether there are mechanics involved or not.
I still think the greatest sex organ is the brain | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/10/2008 6:44:29 PM | Now if I had a partner who never did hold me or kiss me or demonstrate his desire for me that would hurt terribly especially if it was a matter of his choice in the matter.
That's what I was talking about and what most people are talking about when they're talking about a sexless marriage. The first serious relationship I had after leaving my husband did not involve intercourse, but I considered it to be very passionate and sexual. He died several years ago in his sleep. You're right that sex has nothing to do with the mechanics or the ability to have sex in the traditional way. I know what you mean by someone just looking at you in a certain way. Nothing turns me on any more than a man I care about looking at me with full blown lust. When I went to visit him in the hospital one night, I could feel that my face was all hot and flushed when I left his room I didn't look at anyone because I was afraid everyone could tell what had been going on with just a few looks, words, and touches. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/10/2008 7:24:09 PM | | One reaches the point where you say - I don't need to be married to not have sex. I can be single and have no sex, except without any frustration over a failed and loveless marriage. Then you leave. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/10/2008 8:40:10 PM | I was in no way implying that I meant only "intercourse" by sex. Actually, intercourse is not even my favorite part of the equation. I enjoy pleasuring a woman in other ways whether we get to that or not . . . and whether she does anything for me or not . . . as long as that isn't a "forever" situation.
To be honest, the biggest turnon to me is when a woman shows concern for my feelings. For example, the scene in American Beauty when Mena Suvari (after almost having sex with Kevin Spacey's character) asks him "And how are you?". His response, "Noone's asked me that in a really long time," shows how deeply this touches him. I'm the same way. A woman who shows genuine interest in my feelings turns me on much more than a woman dressed provocatively. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/10/2008 9:14:36 PM | Some who posted on this thread spoke from experience as women in a sexless marriage with sexual inadequacy in the partner. I never had that experience, but I did have a short-lived romance with a divorced man who complained of a long-term lack of sex from his wife. When we got to the point of checking out our "compatibility," I found he had the smallest sex organ I have ever seen (on an adult!); he also kept pressuring me for activities I wasn't interested in. I wonder why there was no sex in the marriage?
Since that experience, I have much less sympathy with men complaining of no sex in a relationship. It takes two to tango - or not tango. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/11/2008 12:35:37 AM | My guess? More often than not, especially if both are young, is simply a general difference in libido. My first husband did fine right up through the honeymoon. Then it was basically once a month. He was fine with it. I wasn't. And I've known way too many men who found themselves in OPie's position. I think girls know very well that they are NOT interested in sex if they are not. They also know that the societal perks available in being married are NOT going to be available to them if they say so. So they use what nature gave them, pretend to be hot, and as soon as the knot's tied, say: well that's that. That goes for low libido guys, too. Some, I suppose, lie to themselves first. I do think more guys get caught than women.
I personally also believe it's fraud, and should be punishable with jail time. Part of the marriage vow is love, and fraud ain't loving, on any level.
Please understand that disability, after the fact, falls into a completely different category. And I'm not under the illusion that poking and being poked is a substitute for actual love making.
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:23:48 AM | I said absolutely nothing about sexual inadequacy and neither did anyone else. My husband was perfectly fine with no performance problems. The sex was great any time I wanted to make sure it was and perfectly fine when I didn't care one way or the other. I could care less if I have an orgasm each and every time I have sex when I'm married. An occassional quickie is a great way just to connect. I also didn't complain about his size. He was perfectly adequate for me.
I've been friends with married men who had wives who who weren't interested in them sexually and the guys were great husbands and dads. I understood the frustration they felt because I had been in the same boat. If you take your marriage vows seriously, then sex is the one thing you cannot go outside of your marriage to get. It's also an extremely important part of a relationship for most people and it's a form of emotional abuse when a person deliberately withholds all physical contact. Yes, there are some people who lie about their partner withholding sex to try to seduce someone else but there are many who are married to people who deliberately refuse to show their partner any affection in any way. I had a good friend who was also married to a man like that. She was very beautiful and men were always flirting with her. She finally had an affair and left her husband. It hadn't happened to me yet. I was still dating my husband and believe me, he didn't ignore me before he was married to me. We dated for six years. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:53:01 AM | Folks, I must apologize. I'm new at this forum thing and evidently posted replies to individual posts in the general area; so the individuals had no idea to whom the post was directed. Oh, well. Live and learn!
loveprof75 | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:24:19 AM | | Maybe she just doesn't have a high libido. Simplistic, but possible. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:14:17 PM | OP, you seem like a nice enough guy by your posts.
Is the reason you divorced because of the sexless marriage? If so, are you wanting affirmation that you did the right thing?
Every situation is different and everyone has to make up their own mind on what they want out of life. JMO | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:37:26 PM | | AW, if I read the posts correctly -- *she* divorced him. . . . | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/12/2008 12:48:21 AM | My first husband was great until we got married and then he was literally finished before the light bulb cooled...it was roll on, insert floppy, hump twice, roll off and start snoring on the way down. To me it just wasnt worth the effort so the last five years of the marriage were basically sexless, maybe once a year, some years.
I have met two different men last fall, one was married for 14 years, after his wife had a baby he said they only had sex once a year on their anniversary. She wasnt comfortable with the way her body looked after a baby... However, I later found out that he likes to vocalize his sexual desires involving more multiple partners during the act, almost like a chanting ritual ...only knows two positions.
The other man was married for over 25 years...his wife thought sex was dirty. But then one day he told me he liked feet...then i remembered how much of our conversations had centered on feet. He was going to salons to have pedicures, would tell me how the other women there were so nice and friendly saying he was the only man they had ever seen there. I realize now he goes so he can galk at the women's feet. He also told me how he had ditched one girl he liked cause her feet were dirty, and how the parties him and his wife had all the people had to take off their shoes so no one would walk on their expensive carpet, etc. So maybe the wife did feel like sex with him was dirty.
These are just examples of things that show that there can be more than mets the eye when someone claims the marriage is sexless...basically the people werent sexually compatible. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/12/2008 3:19:44 AM |
AW, if I read the posts correctly -- *she* divorced him. . . .
Thanks Woodby... that will teach me to read! Like I have said on other threads, there is always two sides to every story.  | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:05:07 AM | | No, Ageless, I'm not looking for affirmation. She divorced me. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:38:08 PM | | The only way I'd stay in a sexless relationship is if it were due to health. If it were a health issue neither had control of then, loyalty would kick in. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:16:03 AM | | I think there are two sides to every story. But lack of interest in your partner is probably the main reason. People change and not always for the better. For me it was the Ex never caring about what I was feeling or ever supporting my needs. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:21:56 PM | I suggest couples therapy. Usually when there is a problem with the sex between couples it is because there is a problem between the couple that has not surfaced and it gets manifested in the bedroom. Also if you have not done it already talk to your wife about it. There could also be a history of sexual abuse in her past. A good couples therapist would most likely help both of you to find an answer if you are both willing to invest the time energy and money.  | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/17/2008 1:30:04 PM | | Sometimes a sexless marriage is not caused by the obvious reasons. People get so wrapped up with work, kids, home, and all the worries of life they forget the most important thing --- working at keeping the marriage young and fresh. Yes folks, it is work to keep the flame going in a marriage or any long-term relationship. After all, you are both getting the same menu every night (if you get my drift) and you need to change that menu around for a bit of spice from time to time, and always add a bit of romance - it can do wonders. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:00:17 PM | I was married for 21 years. 16 of them were sexless, NOT by MY choice. I am a taurus, ruled by Venus....mmmmm. So, why, you ask, was it sexless....
Well, he is quite simply, Asexual. He was from the beginning. However, when we met up, (in '86) I'd been single for 4 years, so I had enough sex, I thought, to last a lifetime. He even asked me a month into our relationship if I was bothered by his lack of desire. At the time I said not, but over years it really took a toll on me.
I lost myself. But, I survived it and am that much stronger for doing my best to hang in there through better and worse. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/18/2008 7:08:56 AM | WOW this sounds like my ex's picture of himself but how about the other side of the coin:
Now picture this, ladies. Your husband, from the time you are married, supports your full-time career choice,
Yeap he supported "my" choise to keep food on the table rather then going on welefare, while he surfed porn on the computer all day.
takes care of domestic chores,
uh huh, so did he as long as it didn't include, cleaning the bathroom, making beds,doing laundry, or a vaccum sweeper.
cares for the children when they come along,
this one doesn't apply the kids were there before he was and he did a great job of ruling thier every move, and thought. Had them terrified to breath without permission.
remembers all the important dates
yes what a joy it was to pay for my own christmas and birthday gifts.
and even does wonderful things for you for no reason at all.
wonderful by whose standards? Did that wonderful dinner you cooked leave her a giant mess in the kitchen to clean up? Did that night on the town take the money for the light bill?
On top of all of this, he always puts your enjoyment first in the bedroom.
Despite all of this, you shut down sexually almost from the beginning, seldom if ever initiate sexual liasons and never enjoying pleasuring your man.
Yes how dare I say I didn't like the way he told me I enjoyed sex, and yeah every womans dream of great sex critical comments about their performance.
Honestly, what other factors could lead to such total shutdown on the part of the woman?
Are their intangibles that I'm missing? Was the total commitment to the woman perhaps overwhelming?
other factors ?
Intimate encounters consisted of being attacked the minute I walked in after work for a quicky before the kids came in from school, or at 10-11 oclock at night when my work schedule had me up at 3AM to be to work by 4.
The fact that on average he took a bath once ever two weeks, may have had something to do with it and he didn't own a toothbrush.
Got tired of being told to cover up because my fat discusted him as his weight topped the 300 lb mark.
I'm not saying I was the perfect wife but I was tired, stressed and sex with him just wasn't worth staying up for. Maybe if he had been the wonderful husband he made everyone think he was we wouldn't be divorced today.
Not saying you are him but maybe you ain't as great as you see yourself?
Here's an idea have you asked her? If so did you listen to the answer? | |
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