| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:12:53 AM | Stax:
It has to be BIO-IDENTICAL replacement. That's the only safe way to go. Some women know this--like me. It doesn't contain the cancer risk. It's made from soy, etc. and bought from compound pharmacists.
Big Pharma is doing everything it can to make it illegal because THEY DON'T MAKE MONEY OFF OF IT. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:44:38 PM | I think the "knowledge" of sex being so pronounced today.. makes that "tabboo-victorian-era ideals".. a thing of the past.
What is disruptive and corruptive to our society is the ability to take that "knowledge" two to five steps too far and make "casual sexual activity".. careless and mundane.. to "all" of societies members. Responsible sex then becomes.. null and void. Teenage pregnancy is forever on the rise.. even with all this knowledge.. and the technologies of today.. as are STD's. We have become a society of indifference and have allowed that to pass onto our children.. and respect and responsibility lay by the way-side. JMO | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/27/2008 5:32:51 PM | Know what sex destroyed my marriage. It robbed me of my best friend, my lover, my husband of over 30 years. HIs idea of a quicky was an hour long session. He was so adament about my orgasms I developed proformance anxiety. HE wasn't really satisfied unless he got off 3 or 4 times. He needed no recovery period! His idea of fore play was three or four kisses. Since he didn't need stimulation he figured no one else did either. HIS idea of romance was sex. Take me out? Only if I asked him to, he NEVER asked me to go any where with him except to bed. When he wanted to spice up our sex life I bought cute nighties, and tired to creat a bit of fun. Really all he meant was more sex!
I loved the man he had so many great qualties. But over the yeears he just became more and more obcessed with the fact taht he wasn't getting enough sex.
I would LOVE to have a sexless marriage! I can see how one could ahve a sexless maraige and still have romance and all th especialness in the world.
Know any men in thier mid-50s who live in the mid-west Ohioi and are done with sex? Give them my number! | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/28/2008 8:39:08 AM | loveproof, great minds do think alike. you may never understand how your stranger is inspired but he is not always evil and he is not always wrong. guess you gotta get to know your inner stranger.  | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/28/2008 8:48:09 AM | you know after reading a few more replies on this one i feel compelled to throw in a few cents worth.
why dont people with perceived problems in any area with their partner just talk about it? sometimes a problem can be solved with simple communication like: "i am feeling like we have a problem with sex. i am not sure if you feel the same way. i feel like you dont want or enjoy having sex with me. is there something we can do different? is there something we need to talk about?" now understand from the old parrothead's pov i been there and done that twice. on the second go round, when it became obvious that the situation was not ameniable to change (sex is one of those things you really cant compromise that much on, you either have sex or you dont). and if I HAD DONE THOSE THINGS IN MY FIRST MARRIAGE I WOULD MOST LIKELY NOT BE IN POF RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OUR OTHER PROBLEMS MIGHT NOT HAVE OCCURED! not saying sex is the be all and end all of a relationship but is sure can drive a wedge there.
dawn you and i have talked in the past. i am sorry for your situation and i think your a great person. but with that said i have to say your husband is not the only guy in the world and sex is not the same with all men. give yoursefl a chance girl. your too yougn and vital to give up on life just yet. the older and hopefully wiser parrothead | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/28/2008 8:52:40 AM | SATX, I hear what you're saying....these things cause HUGE problems in both married and unmarried men in their 50's......and it is so DIFFICULT to find a man to date, even, who is not very, very much overweight, and "in denial", by calling that extra 75 to 100 pounds he carries "a few."
I once dated a guy who said, "I know I'm too fat if I have to stand in front of a mirror in order to be able to see my own p--nis......."....and there are lots of men that can't.....see their "own", that is, just by looking down...... | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:29:19 AM | raredawn..
You have my sincerest sympathies.. however.. I don't see what you're describing the same way as you do. I see a lack of compatability and communication as the downfall of your marriage.. not sex itself. If he had been more your "style" and not expressed sex as his sole purpose for living.. or.. that "from the beginning" you had "told him" straight-out.. you don't put the bedroom as your top priority.. things could've been different for you both. Maybe.. you wouldn't have married him in the first place to become so disparaged about sexual relationships now. That means.. you needed to learn to communicate your thoughts and emotions better before you got married to someone you couldn't relate with at all in the bedroom. JMO
I hope.. for your sake.. instead of turning your back on what could be a great mutual relationship in and out of the bedroom.. you'll think about what you've learned from your past marriage. Just a thought.. no malice intended.
In any case.. good luck to you! | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:56:12 AM |
A healthy sexlife is important to any relationship. I think this logic is backward. In my case and in the case of my brother and a few other male friends, the sex became less important when they realized that the women in their lives were less interested in the relationship as in the kids, the cars, the house, the social clawing, the constant struggles for status. In this way, it's the opposite: a healthy relationship is the foundation of a healthy sex life. Many men realize this and would rather avoid sex than to make it with a woman they believes no longer care for him. | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 85 | |
| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:43:15 AM | ess interested in the relationship as in the kids, the cars, the house, the social clawing, the constant struggles for status
Yes, it was just too much work for things I didn't care about.
That's why I've quit dating, too.
Most women are still in a mode of "bait & resist", forcing me to jump through hoops to "prove commitment". It's just too much work for the final result. I suspect that's also why people stay in marginal marriages.... too much work to get something better.
If I'm going to jump through hoops, we're damn well both going to be naked when I do it. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:24:02 AM | loveprof75 RE: ( Now picture this, ladies. Your husband, from the time you are married, supports your full-time career choice, takes care of domestic chores, cares for the children when they come along, remembers all the important dates and even does wonderful things for you for no reason at all. On top of all of this, he always puts your enjoyment first in the bedroom. )
OH MY GOD, is there a man actually like this on this earth. If so, I would LOOOOOVE to meet one. Please GOD, let it be so and send him my way, I will treat him like a King. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:44:42 AM | | I will tell you what astounds me is the number of women I have talked to including female family members who have never had an orgasm. These are married women. All I can say is the men they are married to are not doing something right, don"t care, or else there is something medically wrong with these women. Good grief, you can have an orgasm by yourself. I believe married couples use sex as a pawn, i.e. (you give me what I want and I will give you what you want). Men think having sex with a woman shows they love her. A woman does not think that way. A man has to pay her a lot of attention out of the bedroom so she will be content and eager to please him in the bedroom. | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 89 | |
| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:55:50 AM |
there is something medically wrong with these women
Bingo!
A man has to pay her a lot of attention out of the bedroom
Too much work. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:57:14 AM | | shimbo old buddy, anyone whose still in the dating pond at this age has trust issues. we all are going to "jump thruogh hoops" to prove ourselves. anyone who committs quickly to one person on an emotional level without getting to know them well has issues and are best left alone. trust me. i had a gal almost twenty years younger than me talking love and marriage after one date (no sex involved). needless to say there never was a second date. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:59:25 AM | | wondering, i am not sure why your female friends and family have the o issue. it may be the mans "fault" it could also be a lot of other things. the problem with the whole "fault" mentality is that finding fault rarely finds a solution. it can be a good start but that alone means very little in the end. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:10:15 AM | We women can certainly say that it is the man who pulls the "Bait And Resist" rabbit out of its hat. He may say in his profile or in person at the beginning of the relationship that he is seeking something "long term. " Then he swamps me with phone calls, emails, instant messages, text messages, cards, flowers and whatever to get my attention. Ok, now he has my attention! Now we are dating and things are going smooth. But the sex is withheld because I'm looking for something more; I have spent countless hours, effort, and money into successful dates. Then, he slows down on the phone calls and maybe not even returning the call or the instant message. I am wondering, "is there someone else?" and notice him still on the dating websites. So, do I have sex with him now to solidify our relationship...or is it too late and maybe he is seeing someone else...or would I just be giving up the final link only to find that he wasn't interested in me long term afterall? (i.e. booty call)
My experiences have led me to believe that I don't want to have sex too early in the relationship because of the 99% possibility that I will just be another mark on the score card for him and he moves along. I want commitment AND great sex. Why can't there be both?
Just looking for someone to truly love me and want to stay put for awhile. | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 93 | |
| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:30:18 AM |
anyone who committs quickly to one person on an emotional level without getting to know them well has issues
Who said anything about an "emotional level"?
I'm talking about sex and fun.
had a gal almost twenty years younger than me talking love and marriage after one date
Yes, I've seen that, too.
That's why I avoid the really young ones.
Now I've off to go kayaking followed by... or perhaps preceded by... or probably both... SEX. Good day, sir! | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 12:08:41 PM |
I will tell you what astounds me is the number of women I have talked to including female family members who have never had an orgasm. These are married women. All I can say is the men they are married to are not doing something right, don"t care, or else there is something medically wrong with these women. Good grief, you can have an orgasm by yourself. I believe married couples use sex as a pawn, i.e. (you give me what I want and I will give you what you want). Men think having sex with a woman shows they love her. A woman does not think that way. A man has to pay her a lot of attention out of the bedroom so she will be content and eager to please him in the bedroom.
As far as men being responsible for a woman's orgasm... hogwash! That is like saying a woman is responsible for a man's ED.
Married couples using sex as a pawn, I suppose some do, but those are the couples who have not learned how to communicate.
JMO  | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:50:39 PM | AgelessWonder: RE: (Married couples using sex as a pawn, I suppose some do, but those are the couples who have not learned how to communicate.)
I have known a many a couple in my 57-years and not one of them could communicate at least 95% of the time. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:51:17 PM | Yes communication is the key and yes we know about all we need to know about how married couples can do it. I worked with a therapist who developed a very successful program for training couples in this, and was helping her write the materials she used. My future wife and I went through the entire course twice and did all the exercises. But after we got married, she was not willing to apply any of what we had learned. I finally came to understand that we did not agree and neither of us was willing to change our minds.
So yes, communication is essential and it can be learned. But before that, certain attitudes are also required and these are much harder to acquire. Relationships are inherently unstable and it takes two willing partners to keep one going. If either partner ceases to make the effort for whatever reason, the quality of the relationship will rapidly decline.
So there are many marriages that one or both partners find lacking in sexual satisfaction. If this lasts long enough, they become the sexless marriage that OP describes. There are many reasons why this happens, as described in the posts above. What is clear is that this situation can only be addressed effectively where both partners are willing to set aside all considerations of blame, question their own attitudes and prejudices, learn and practice new skills, and develop a sense of humour about the most private and sensitive thing that we do. This is extremely difficult for most couples to do unaided. Even with competent and knowledgeable (and expensive) professional assistance, the chances of success are not that great.
What I read on these pages are a lot of complaints, very few statements from people who admit they mucked it up themselves and still have something to learn. By the time we get to this age, we should be wiser than that. At my age it is quite possible I will never have another intimate relationship that includes sex. That makes me sad because I have finally got to the point where I can admit I don't really know a thing about how to please the woman in front of me, so she will have to teach me everything.
My advice to you younger folks is to throw out everything you think you know and start from scratch with the next person you become intimate with. Throw out all thoughts of decorum and feelings of embarassment and ask for what you really need and want. If either one of you is dissatisfied, talk about it and change what you are doing until it works for you both. Keep a laugh handy in your heart when things go astray. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:49:50 PM | "I think this logic is backward. In my case and in the case of my brother and a few other male friends, the sex became less important when they realized that the women in their lives were less interested in the relationship as in the kids, the cars, the house, the social clawing, the constant struggles for status. In this way, it's the opposite: a healthy relationship is the foundation of a healthy sex life. Many men realize this and would rather avoid sex than to make it with a woman they believes no longer care for him."
Ummm.. Joey?
"as in the kids".. is the very first reason you give for women's interests with the attention shifting from the man and sex with the man. Yet.. your profile states you have no children. So.. since you state "and in the case of my brother and a few other male friends".. I then assume that you're speaking from their experience and not yours. Anyone who has kids at least "should" know that they do "need" and "deserve" a lot of attention.. and it should also come from "both" parents so that one is not overtaxed with the "burden" of being the only one caring for them. That's how sex in the bedroom sometimes gets "lost" in sexless relationships with kids. Shouldering responsibilities once the kids come along.. not shuffling the responsiblities off on one partner and moaning to your friends and relatives about the lack of attention they're getting now that the kids have come into the picture. If it's a matter of jealousy over divided attention (kids vs adult parent attention).. perhaps some counceling might help. As far as the materialistic.. social climbers POV.. maybe you.. your brother.. and your friends are looking for the wrong "type" of women from the start. I'm sure you can find someone that's a tad more down to earth even in a city so socially structured as New York. Maybe.. look in some towns on the out-skirts. Just some suggestions. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:15:43 AM | In my experience, children often times contribute to the destruction of a sexual part of the relationship and eventually the relationship. I understand that children need attention from both parents but that should never be at the expense of your partner except in rare instances of emergencies.
If you are unwilling to set aside time for your partner or regularly allow children to interrupt that time, your marriage and sex life will die. As your children get older, the time that is set aside for your partner should increase until your spouse again gets almost all of your time. As for who should be the most important in your life, your children or your spouse, your spouse should always be. When someone's profile says that "my children are the most important thing in my life" that means you will always play 2nd string to their children. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:23:20 PM | | ^^^^ Sure, but by the time this come around, someone has popped so many pills that some part of their body gets a form of erectile dysfunction, emotional dysfunction, hormone dysfunction, don't-bother-me/no me jodas disfunccions. I must admit that English is very difficult, foregive me. | |
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| sexless marriage
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:01:03 PM | I don't think that sexless marriages are caused by lack of communication. I'm sure the subject has been brought up by the person being ignored in various ways many many times and probably very emotionally and passionately at times depending on how much it's bothering the one being sexually ignored. In most cases the person withholding sex is probably having sex with someone else so it's likely the only one going without is the one who is being ignored. If my husband was having an affair, he covered it up very well but since he had no performance problems and he very much enjoyed sex when we had it, I never really believed him when he said he had never gone out on me. If there really wasn't anyone else, then the only other explanation is that it was a power play. His game was to pick fights with me and then go sleep in the family room and he never once during our marriage, came back to our bedroom without me swallowing my pride and seducing him back upstairs to our bedroom. I think he enjoyed that and it was a battle of wills which he always won. He did always let me seduce him back each and every time (talking to him sure didn't work- he wanted body language) so evidently the point was to make me prove I wanted him. He knew I hated sleeping alone and he knew it bothered me to be ignored. When he was begging me to come back home after I left him, he sure didn't have a problem expressing his sexual desire for me then. There were also times in our marriage when he had come back to bed (after the obligatory seduction on my part of course) that he could be insatiable.
In my friend's case, there didn't seem to be any reason for her husband to ignore her either. She was always telling me about these elaborate seduction scenarios she had staged to get him to have sex with her. She would sometimes look at his Playboy magazines and recreate the settings. She was naturally very beautiful and sexy without having to do anything to herself, but she would tell me about copying the poses or using satin sheets or candles or buying lingerie she had seen. Evidently it always worked, but she eventually got tired of trying so hard to get him to pay attention to her. Every other man was drooling all over her and she encouraged the attention. I guess it made her feel better. She was the one who divorced him after she had admitted to an affair which she finally had after being faithful for years. He told her he forgave her and he didn't want a divorce. It was too late for her then. After her divorce, she began drinking heavily and our friendship faded, but I thought about her years later when I ended up in the same kind of marriage. | |
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