| If you're independant, why R U here? Original poster
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:48:22 AM | | Maculon, I think you are on to something. A friend of mine once said I was "nausiatingly independent." It was funny, but it rang very true for me. Sometimes people use independence as a shield to stay safe. I know I have been so independent as to make a few of my boyfriends feel they were not important to me. People do want to feel needed and there is a bit of dependence in relationships. I am not talking about great big gaping holes of emotional need, but just allowing someone to be there for you. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:59:15 AM | | Ah you figured out its all a game. Congrats. Just kindly send your address and I will happily mail your check of $.22 plus gratuity of $.001 | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:18:50 AM | Arolo said: "The post you're replying to embodies a concept that just floors me. Some people seem to think that dating will entail "losing" something"
Well duh! See how we've already lost respect? Some of you guys are treating the word like it's a freaking .357 -- "Hey there, lil' missy! Careful where you're pointing that thing." Y'all even offer to help us with it by providing limited definitions cuz we apparently don't know WTF we're talking about or even our own capabilities and needs. And THAT is a concept (and conceit) that totally floors and turns us off. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:28:01 AM | the words "independent woman/man" is nothing more than the latest catch phrase. its something that people say over and over like some kind of mantra. who are you trying to convince me or you?
Where this might be true for some women, it is not true for all women. Some of us state it and ACTUALLY mean it. I love how men generally speaking always state that they want an independent woman but in all actuality can not handle the fact that a woman does not need them. Can someone say control freaks? There is a difference between "needing" someone and "wanting" someone.
I remember in my life when I was not ok financially. Men were jumping out the woodwork at me. Now that I am financially secure within my life, it's hard for me to meet guys. There's a reason and I do believe that women who do not depend on men financially and are truthfully independent meaning, they can take care of themselves and live happy financially secure lives, this scares men away due to the fact that the "man" does not have the opportunity to take charge. I say get over it. Not all women are submissive financially needy women.
"Independent" is a word that does not go over with alot of men. One would think a man would appreicate a woman who can pay her bills, a woman who does not need him financially, a woman who is happy whether a man is within her life or not.
If that very word runs men away, then I say happy freaking running and please do us independent women a favor and don't look back, we won't an openminded man who can appreciate us, not some man who is insulted because he can not be "in charge". I do believe the caves are calling for these types. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 12:55:58 PM | Nona it's that exact bitterness that floats around the perceived meaning of the word amongst men. You see, if men don't like it they can go back to the cave, can't you see the irony, how your words perpetuate the problem?
This thread should have died already, it's clear there are two distinct camps and it is what it is. I haven't seen it presented but men use the term "on my own" and I think it means the same damn thing. Goodness this is one emotionally charged thread.
Greg | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:06:33 PM | In todays modern times where "mom" can not stay home with the children or where Daddy leaves and never comes back, women have no choice but to work and keep homesteads down, same applies to single fathers when "mommy" leaves and abandons them. It's not bitterness, it's called reality and I might suggest more men and women face it. It's 2008 for christs sake, not the War World II ear. This is where the word "independent" in my eyes comes from. Someone who is self sufficient and can take care of themselves as well as their responsibilities, someone who is in tune with themselves. Not someone who "needs" anyone but someone who wants someone. Like it or leave it. There are other women out there who feel the same as I, but I must state, I can not and will not speak for other women.
I do not see where my words perpetuate the problem. Only to a man who wants to be in charge this would be a problem. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:09:53 PM | | I spent years being the Papa or in charge as most call it. I do not want that. I want a woman that is independent and needs nothing from me really, except a friend to share things with. I am not interested in what she has to give, except for her friendship and a partner should it come to that. A woman that can get along just fine with or without me, but wants me, is the biggest turn on there can be. I don't believe there are things a woman can not do. They can do anything a man can, if they want to. However there are things men can't do that a woman can. Such as, a woman can carry 5 bags of groceries, a diaper bag and a baby at the same time. I have yet to see any man do that. Anyway, independents is a great thing. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:13:03 PM |
Does that mean I don't want a partner? No. It means I don't NEED a partner.
Independent is fine with me. It tells me that they are not looking for a guy to pay their bills. But the ones that make the statement like the woman I have quoted above, those profiles I will pass on.
My ex was constantly needing me to do something, but I was told all the time, I don't NEED you, I don't NEED anyone! Emphasizing the word NEED. Yet she still calls when she needs something. Must suck to not NEED someone, but need something done from someone all the time. If you really don't NEED anyone than get off the dating site and go live alone. We can all live with out anyone but I want to NEED someone as my partner. I learned the people that don't NEED anyone will always feel that way even when they are with someone, they will never treat you as an equal partner (in their eyes they will think they are). I am the kind of guy that likes to do things for my woman, fix things build thing listen for hints of what she wants and get it for her. It hurts when you try to please someone and get told, I don't NEED you.
Be independent but need the love in your life and a best friend! | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:18:19 PM | Nona37
I'm not seeking an argument, this thread shows that 95% of the guys find the word disagreeable. That's the reality and in a free format like this one can trust true feelings are put on the table. The thread speaks for itself. It's not a case of who wants to be in charge, hey, do want to take my car or yours? See?
I'm just saying, and this thread bears it out, that there are probably better words to describe a woman in an independent situation. I'm not here to change anyones mind but the thread sure brought some heat to the table. It's like using the dreaded "C" word for Christs sake and it need not be that way. If a word brings offense to the opposite sex, regardless of connotation, perhaps it's judicious to avoid it.
So, what do you like on your pizza?
Greg | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:35:45 PM | Nor am I seeking an argument, however, just because some man is offended by the word "independent" attached to a woman is not grounds for a woman to unattach herself with such word. Same with men who utilize this word and the exact type of men I like by the way.
I like pepperonis and onions on my pizza, thank you for asking :) | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:28:30 PM |
Such as, a woman can carry 5 bags of groceries, a diaper bag and a baby at the same time. I have yet to see any man do that.
Oh, stop kissing ass.
Stop by sometime. I'll show you a guy who has done that shit and have dinner cooking at the same time.
... sheesh. No more man card for you, dude. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:42:41 PM | | I don't have to kiss anyones ass and that includes yours. I call it as I see it. If you don't like it, I really don't care. I grew out of the dude stage at about 12. If I am looking for man cards,I sure as hell wouldn't be looking here. Opinions are like ass holes , everyone has one. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:08:45 PM | | Women also misuse badly "GSOH", I often send a joke as an icebreaker and get back some pretty nasty replies. Clearly a mans and womans idea of GSOH are quite different. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:17:22 PM | Greg~ It says I own my own water wings bring your own if you want to go swimming. I see your point....but there is a great difference between independence and interdependence.  | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:02:22 PM | 1in·de·pen·dent Pronunciation: ˌin-də-ˈpen-dənt Function: adjective
1: not dependent: as a (1): not subject to control by others : self-governing (2): not affiliated with a larger controlling unit. b (1): not requiring or relying on something else : not contingent (2): not looking to others for one's opinions or for guidance in conduct (1): not requiring or relying on others.
I think that pretty much sums up the dictionary definition of Independent, if you spell it correctly...
Independent women are here because they are looking for a mate, rather than a care provider. We can make our own decisions, accept our own consequences, take care of ourselves, and provide for ourselves. We are not looking for a man to do all of those things for us, but rather be a companion in our lives.
I'm an independent woman. I can take care of the majority of aspects in my life, from taking the trash out, doing minor plumbing and construction repairs, to keeping my vehicles properly maintained, to cooking and cleaning, to keeping my finances in the black, and all the other things in between. I'm also not dependent on a male to provide companionship. I do enjoy my own company, however, it would be nice to have someone special in my life to share the good and the bad things with...
Respect is important as well... Not that my last or past relationships lacked it, but I want to prevent my future ones from lacking it as well.
So when I put independent in my profile, what I'm really saying, is that I don't NEED to have a man 'take care of me and follow me around telling me what to do and when', but rather someone who wants to be there for companionship and common ground and interests...
CowTrucker
(Whats Left of...) Chapman, Kansas | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:13:24 PM |
Such as, a woman can carry 5 bags of groceries, a diaper bag and a baby at the same time. I have yet to see any man do that.
I saw a man carrying TWO babies the other day, one on the front in a sling and one on the back in a baby carrier. He was also carrying a huge picnic basket up a steep hill.
He wasn't smiling much. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:06:30 PM | Okay so what are we supposed to write......"I need a man, I need a man, I am in need of a man, etc. etc."? Most men are not turned off by or intimidated by an independent woman, who can also say that she is. Emphasis on men. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:14:50 PM | For me independence means I am not looking for a man to "complete me" or pay my bills. I am fully capable of living the day to day life on my own and am happy doing so. Independents still like to share time with other people. Its a way to tell a man that we women are looking for a partner, not a caregiver. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:26:54 PM | Actually no...it doesn't mean that at all...
There are at least three different definitions...
independent |ˌindəˈpendənt|
adjective
1 free from outside control; not depending on another's authority : the study is totally independent of central government | Canada's largest independent investment firm.
• (of a country) self-governing : India became independent in 1947.
• not belonging to or supported by a political party : the independent candidate.
• (of broadcasting, a school, etc.) not supported by public funds.
• not influenced or affected by others; impartial : a thorough and independent investigation of the case.
• ( Independent) historical Congregational.
2 not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence : I wanted to remain independent in old age.
• capable of thinking or acting for oneself : advice for independent travelers.
• (of income or resources) making it unnecessary to earn one's living : a woman of independent means.
3 not connected with another or with each other; separate : we need two independent witnesses to testify | the legislature and the judicature are independent of each other.
• not depending on something else for strength or effectiveness; freestanding : an independent electric shower.
• Mathematics (of one of a set of axioms, equations, or quantities) incapable of being expressed in terms of, or derived or deduced from, the others.
What it means is they have a job, a car, a life, friends etc and don't need some knight, a savior, a superman to swoop in and save them...
While a team depends on each other for success, the individuals of that team can act independently and still be successful. In baseball, all 9 guys are a team but you dont have the entire team running to catch a fly ball. You dont have all 9 guys on the mound to pitch the ball. They all act individually...independently of each other...they all have a job to do....as we do in relationships...a fairly simple concept... | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:51:05 PM | I'm in Margo's camp...the fact that I am self reliant( thank you capitano) is pretty obvious once anyone talks to me for a bit..I would never even think to use the word "independent" as a way to describe me...partly because I know how men perceive it, partly because I don't find it a quality that the kind of man I'm interested in knowing would find attractive?
I'm not afraid to say...I would need a man whom I loved, very much. Otherwise why bother? Since I'm so self sufficient. Wants are not that fulfilling, and change all the time. In fact, I'd say many wants..once you have them? They lose their importance. Has nothing to do with being needy..if I was needy I wouldn't have been single and taking care of myself for so long.
I sincerely believe that a lot of this is a knee jerk reaction to not wanting to be seen as a user? There is a middle ground ( thank you arlo)...
I don't understand the resistance many people on the forums have to learning the difference between "needy", "need" and want?
Needy is unhealthy. Need is a basic human desire..and it drives most of us to actually survive? Love is important to humans, unless they are socio paths...sharing a life with a special person is a good thing...and it is healthy too.
As I said earlier ( IMNSHO..as this all is), wants are fleeting, temporary..and often empty? I want to go to Egypt for example...once I go...it will be great..but, there is no reason to want it anymore then is there? I cautiously suggest that the idea of wanting someone only is why many relationships fail , and divorces happen. Once you don't want someone anymore..easy to leave isn't it? Needing someone is a whole different thing...
And when I speak of need..I am obviously talking about emotional need primarily..though it would be cool to have someone to help me with the more unpleasant, though necessary chores of life...the need to love and be loved is a much bigger desire.
It does not make me weak, a user, or incapable of having a mind, or my own opinions. I think some women think that to admit to need is somehow to take away their identity? Not in a healthy , interdependent relationship, IMO. Just have to find a guy with a like mind...and they are out there...I know quite a few.
I also think that being very insistent on being "independent" whether man or woman...closes people off from truly opening up and having a true partnership..it can be a defense, and a wall. It also disables trust? And aren't we all saying how important openness and trust are? Where did it happen that it became suggested that we should all live as separate individuals...
I know I am in the minority on this thread..but, I thought the other side needed ( haha) some representation too...and though it may not be PC at the moment..it is what I have found to be a real truth. | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:27:40 PM | ^^^ words of truth always trump everything else.................such blatant honesty is truly a pleasure to read......
dependency is far from a bad thing when you truly love each other....... | |
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| If you're independant, why R U here?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:45:32 AM | You can't judge a stranger's use of words by your own definitions. People have different ideas over the meaning of words. Unfortunately english isnt that concise, we dont have 50 different words for slightly different aspects of the same thing unlike some other languages.
However in this case the prevailing opinion seems to be it really means self-reliant and I agree.
A huge number of people make the mistake of assuming what they think they're saying or how they sound in their profiles is interpreted in the same way. At the same time viewers are liable to jump to the potentially incorrect conclusions based on faulty logic. If you're really clever you can use these things to your advantage. I mean one has to present oneself in a way that avoids giving people the opportunity to make errors in logic and in some cases u have to pretty much provide a roadmap. | |
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