| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:02:02 AM | A good leader doesn't look behind to see who is following, rather proceeds forward with confidence regardless of the obstacles encountered and even when having to redirect course, still proceeds forward. That in and of itself is inspiring.
a few pplz posting in this thread should keep that in mind!
that quote goes visa versa of corse! | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:13:12 AM |
A good leader doesn't look behind to see who is following, rather proceeds forward with confidence regardless of the obstacles encountered and even when having to redirect course, still proceeds forward. That in and of itself is inspiring.
a few pplz posting in this thread should keep that in mind!
Focused on the post comment only, as it sparked a thought. An enabler focuses more on what other people should be doing rather than his/her own stuff. To clarify: there isn't a person on the planet that doesn't have their own "stuff" to focus on making better about themselves - at least one thing. Yet enablers tend to focus more on what others need to do to adapt to the enabler's own expectations, beliefs, whatever.
Just thought I'd throw that out there. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:25:56 AM |
Yet enablers tend to focus more on what others need to do to adapt to the enabler's own expectations, beliefs, whatever.
some of the posters should keep that in mind too then......
pretty moon said earlier, there is a fine line between giving and inabeling.....
but there allso seems to be a fine line between giving and bullying/abusing/taking advantage. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:30:08 AM |
Okay NK... your turn to explain. What do you mean by this statement
that.......
pretty moon said earlier, there is a fine line between giving and inabeling.....
but there allso seems to be a fine line between giving and bullying/abusing/taking advantage.
im not gonna say anymore on that, not publicley...but i dont think youd understand anyway...... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:35:13 AM | | hey peeps .....what is it with nasty people eh ....ive just been abused i feel on another thread ....im ok but wow imtrying so hard not to rise to her .....this person was on this thread quoting peace and love ....be carefull every one .....hugs joolsy | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:41:26 AM | as i thought...ill leave you be now.....
feeling happy, knowing that i have learned from my past, and that it has made me strong enough to stand up to bullies.
i wish you all love and light...you will get there, even if it takes another few lifetimes!
maz xx | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 11:10:15 AM |
im not gonna say anymore on that, not publicley...but i dont think youd understand anyway......
Okay NK... I appreciate your discretion and if you think I wouldn't understand, I probably wouldn't. But it's more likely that I may not agree... I understand a great deal but admittedly, I am not a Mensa member.
Have a great life!
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 11:24:50 AM | Silken - would this be a proper time to expand the topic to include covert and overt aggressive and controlling behaviors?
It is relevant to an aspect of the original topic, as well as the healing process after abuse, in that part of "healing" and "self-forgiveness" is identification and recognition of the early red flags we didn't see. Those ever so subtle manipulations...you know what I mean.
I am not a Mensa member.
P.S. Don't have to be Mensa to open one's eyes to notice the obvious. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 11:52:53 AM | I would like to weigh in on this topic!
I certainly have been there, both with the family I was born into and the one I married into,
though in extremely different ways.
Sometimes forgiving my abuser on the schedule I wanted (as soon as I could see the point)
just wasn't in the cards. Sometimes it doesn't involve saying or even feeling " I forgive you" literally.
I found this out in my family and while I wont air lengthy,detailed, past abuse stories here
I will say that on the day I carried my weakened, frail, elderly parent from her
balcony to her tv chair at her request while her captor (my former abuser and she knew it) stood by
in protest of my presence, a surge of emotion came over me and I found myself whispering in her ear
" I Love You".Hearing that from myself was the first time I have ever experienced forgiving myself for,
until then, hating her for hiding her head in the sand about my abuser.
When I made the long trip home, I realized I had forgiven her, and was on the path of forgiving
something and someone that had once had been "unforgivable" for me. No amount of effort
previous to that allowed me to do it. It just came. It wasnt till after that I realized those words meant
pure forgiveness (because they FELT like it) even if I did not use the traditional phrase to express it.
I am grateful the opportunity came to me and I seized it no matter what the environment I was experiencing it in was. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 1:01:28 PM | Having been around this block in various forms, I will chime in with what I have learned. First it is not the person being abused fault, Lets say it is a man abusing a woman. The man has his own issues, anger, insecurity etc....he takes it out on the weaker one. It is not a paticuliar action that sparks them, it is within them, cowtow around, walk on eggshells, something will provoke never knowing wha the trigger may be.
Never believe remorse, unless they get serious help. they will repeat the behavior, and with help it tends to repeat.
tis brings the person being abused to make a decision, get out or stay.
Once out it is vitally important for the one abused to take a hard look at themsleves, not for forgiving, but what within themselves drew them to a man who has these tendancies. It takes time and effort and much self reflection but it is possible.
If one doesnt do this they tend to be attracted t the same type. The non awareness is what is dangerous,
take care | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 1:22:12 PM | | Confidence. It has not to do with confidence-you can be the most secure person in the world and still fall for someone lines and end up like I did. 9 months of pure hell. He was abusive--he was great in the beginning and then things changes. I have been on more 'honeymoons" (phases) than i can count. He was physical, mental, and verbal abusive to me. I still find it hard to trust men. However, I dont think that I need to ask forgiveness because I did not ask for any of this. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 2:28:59 PM | I'll get back to that, SF, as the identification is very important.
Meanwhile...
I found myself whispering in her ear " I Love You".Hearing that from myself was the first time I have ever experienced forgiving myself for, until then, hating her for hiding her head in the sand about my abuser.
This is a HUGE step forward for that poster and brings to mind something shared with me a long time ago. Hopefully I can say it the way it was said. Hate is the by-product of anger; which is the by-product of emotional pain; which is the by-product of being deeply hurt by those we love the most.
Once out it is vitally important for the one abused to take a hard look at themsleves, not for forgiving, but what within themselves drew them to a man who has these tendancies. It takes time and effort and much self reflection but it is possible.
I had to think about this one in line with the element "First it is not the person being abused fault." I think when some of us hear the words "forgiving ourselves" , we interpret that as another way of saying we are at fault or to blame for the abuse.
So let's look at self-forgiveness a little differently. Take away blame and take away fault (I really dislike those two words). As adults, our first and foremost duty of care is to our own well-being, our own nurturing as it were. Our individual well-being is our accountability as well - we own it, no one else does. Replace fault with accountability. Our share of accountability lies within our choices, even if it was a little choice that got us caught up into a huge living hell.
So - revisiting self-forgiveness after abuse. How about acknowledging that "I didn't make such a hot choice after all" as it pertains to choosing the partner? Work through the "how that happened", "how next time one can make a better choice", etc. Accept that you've made a poor choice in the past and love yourself anyway.
Just a thought. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:16:22 PM | Silken Fire
<quote>And if we can't be "enablers", would it be okay for us to be "inspirors" at least???</quote>
Aw chucks... as he looks at his feet shuffling dirt between his toes.
nuttykitten
<quote>I'm lost, what do you mean by that?</quote>
This morning I lost my bowl of cereal, this evening I found a cup of mushy glop.
Silken Fire
<quote>Since enabling consists of anything we do that contributes to some one's toxic behaviors continuing, I was asking if it's at least okay to inspire... But I was really, just being kinda goofy... No worries. </quote>
Just read some of my posts... you'll see how goofy I am.
angelheart3
<quote>First of all, I loved my easy bake oven!
We can always inspire rather than enable others by the way we conduct ourselves. Yet it doesn't mean that others will be inspired enough to effect a change. A good leader doesn't look behind to see who is following, rather proceeds forward with confidence regardless of the obstacles encountered and even when having to redirect course, still proceeds forward. That in and of itself is inspiring.</quote>
I love to cook, from the heart, healing stock broths. ~ read bones from the past ~ That I and those who are loving, will digest. Remembering the horrid and loving the live.
<quote>Sometimes enabling behaviors can be so insidious we don't even realize we are engaging in them. So the essential body of Msg. 313 was excellent in clarifying the enabler's "need to know" also perhaps "need to recognize" in order to turn around from enabling to inspiring.</quote>
Again, kudos to galonthemt. 
pretty moon
<quote>This is one of the best statement going..............I always thought my purpose in life was to be a giver.....my knowledge, my wisdom, my caring etc.......the hard part was in knowing when the giving crosses the line into enabling......it's such a fine line that sometimes, if we are not in tune with who WE are we cross that line without realizing it.
The helping that we are perceiving that we are giving turns both the giver and the receiver into a dynamic that is a detriment to both.</quote>
As nuttykitten rightly points out, there is a fine line. Character flaws between the abuser and enabler. They get inter mixed and both feed on this negative energy. It is a learnt behaviour and deprogramming is a long process of repetitive reinforcement in an environment which is positive, or at least more positive.
As pretty moon emphatically says, '..it's such a fine line that sometimes, if we are not in tune with who WE are we cross that line without realizing it.' This applies to both sides. The abuser and the enabler are definitely not in tune. Harmonically it is called dissonance, they act together but not in a pleasing way.
Hug somebody,
And soon.
Ur Xoxo. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:27:55 PM |
love to cook, from the heart, healing stock broths. ~ read bones from the past ~ That I and those who are loving, will digest.
I like that.
Yet it doesn't mean that others will be inspired enough to effect a change.
We are not responsible for what others do or don't do, only for what we do or don't do.
Harmonically it is called dissonance, they act together but not in a pleasing way.
A pinch of dissonance at just the right moment can add flavour to a song - too much dissonance can ruin the best of symphonies. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:00:12 PM | We are not responsible for what others do or don't do, only for what we do or don't do.
100%
Harmonically it is called dissonance, they act together but not in a pleasing way. A pinch of dissonance at just the right moment can add flavour to a song - too much dissonance can ruin the best of symphonies. A pinch of aggression/abuser or passive aggression/enabler just might be the ticket, could maybe awaken us from slumber. When we sleep, become numb from..., the body and psyche wishes to heal. But then we become accustomed to this rest and enable it to overtake us. I agree, angelheart3, a pinch of this and pinch of that and a whole world awakens. Life is Music. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:12:34 PM | Music........did someone say music?
Ahhhhhh but the music must be soft, sweet and soothing.......to heal the savage beast.....not loud and raucous as to awaken the beast within.......... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:43:11 PM | There you go again...
The beast from the past won't be risen by moi. Although I'll let it entertain me to awaken my dampened spirits, then cram it back into its' rightful place.
If we really look at ourselves, we can see the good, bad and the ugly. Even we enablers. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:58:08 PM | Inspirers, I said... Inspirers... Inspirers... Inspirers...
 Nobuddy ever listens to me...
Gimme some of that dirt to kick will you Ur Xoxo?? (Actually, I am gonna do mudpies in my recycled EasyBake Oven... Want one??) | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:08:18 PM | If we really look at ourselves, we can see the good, bad and the ugly. Even we enablers.
An uncomfortable truth is that the very attributes that irritate us about others, are attributes within ourselves. Varying degrees, of course. Furthermore, the attributes we are most attracted to are also comparable to what we like about ourselves. Speaking of attributes - not behavioral eruptions.
Both abusers and victims are enablers, just a different modus operandi.
I think earlier in the thread I questioned the viability of self-forgiveness. I still lean more towards acknowledgment of one's part in the dance (even if as simple as staying after the first assault - it is still participating), taking ownership for that part, and so on.
Abuse is like music - just not very pretty music when it crescendos.
EDIT: SF - hmmmm...Easy Bake Oven - that 100watt light bulb killed my first "cake". It was a very black chocolate cake - I didn't think at the time that even dark chocolate was quite that dark. LOL | |
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