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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:25:08 AM | Yikes, pretty moon - I hope your foot heals quickly!
Ok - this I found to be interesting reading from the book: Wolves In Sheep's Clothing
Acts of Covert-Aggression vs. Covert-Aggressive Personalities
Most of us have engaged in some sort of covertly aggressive behavior from time to time. Periodically trying to manipulate a person or a situation doesn't make someone a covert-aggressive personality. Personality can be defined by the way a person habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world at large.
The tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a steady diet for covert-aggressive personality. It's the way they prefer to deal with others and to get the things they want in life.
And...the process of victimization:
The Process of Victimization
For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good reasons:
1. A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings.
2. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ..., almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.
3. All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." – But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.
4. What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character.
Thoughts anyone? By the way, passive behaviors are often a form of covert aggression.
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:42:25 AM | #4 Is definitely when our mind kicks in to be the rescuer......unfortunately we want to rescue the other person when in fact it is us we need to rescue.
angel......ty its healing nicely.......... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:08:14 AM | | i so understand all the above ....but now i find it hard to trust people ...And i think ive become very hard ...i can spot the nasty people now ...before i trusted to much ,some times i get taken in then joolsy becomes the fighter i doint like myself then ...i call it survival mode ....sometimes ive found i do go back to be passive joolsy who is afraid ,timid scared mouse like .....then something kicks in and im the strong fighting lioness protecting her young ....oooooh errrr i do worry sometimes he he he is this normal | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:09:43 AM |
The tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a steady diet for covert-aggressive personality. It's the way they prefer to deal with others and to get the things they want in life.
Whew... what an excellent post Angelheart! I agree that it's exceptionally hard to recognize the "covert-aggressive personality" specifically because, it flies just under the radar in so many areas. Once we've experienced it, it's easier to recognize but when I was newly out of a longterm relationship, I had no idea that I should be making a "red flags list" or that it would need to be fairly extensive. That's part of what I now strive to forgive myself for... I've never been a naive person and I didn't want to walk around with a "face full of the pinched-up miseries" because I was dominated by my suspicions... But looking back, I think I could have at least, squinted and stepped back a few times...
The "Process of Victimization" is right on the money.
2. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ..., almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.
That's powerful stuff! I agree that they can make it seem like they're hurting. In fact, my abuser used to write to me from jail about how terrible, horrible, sad, pained, heartbroken, blah, blah, blah... he was over what he'd done to me. He expected me to have compassion for his "pain" thus converting himself from the abuser to the abused. For every one of his "I'm sorry for what I did to you's", (which were very few), there were at least 50 mentions of his agony... I didn't even realize it!
4. What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character.
Even more powerful... I've learned well that one of the biggest red flags is someone who appeals to our compassion from the very outset of the relationship. They say, "All my partners cheated on me. I have nothing because I left it for the wife and kids (the illusion of nobility of course). I haven't been steady on the job because I'm a musician (artist, painter, writer... etc.). I don't have a car because I went out and got drunk when I found my wife with another man and got caught driving drunk... and so it goes... I think NOW, that I can still be compassionate because that is who I am but I don't have to have "fool" branded on my forehead just because of it.
Awesome post AH! | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:15:30 PM | | I n reply to this post Silken Flower.. I have over 200 such letters saying how he felt so sorry and that he was sad and that it would never happen again. Please don't cheat on me .. Ilove you.. Ill die without you..everything is going to be fine..etc He also told me similar things when I first met him .. such as his first girlfriend cheated on him and the last one never acknowledged him and of course I really felt for this extremely nice guy. Was going to do relate counselling this time , get a job, have time for us to get to know each other again but none of it happened. When I was working nights he was bad mouthing me to his family and they didn't know that when he wasn't with them that he was being stopped by the police for other things. I only found out recently. I cannot work out what happened here. I supported him the whole time he was inside and yet he came out and turned the tables on me and to this day I will never understand. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:31:48 PM | Even more powerful... I've learned well that one of the biggest red flags is someone who appeals to our compassion from the very outset of the relationship. They say, "All my partners cheated on me. I have nothing because I left it for the wife and kids (the illusion of nobility of course). I haven't been steady on the job because I'm a musician (artist, painter, writer... etc.).
*Clarification: I am speaking here of the modus operandi of the abuser at the onset. Notice that it's all about the other person. It's all about blame. It's all about being the poor helpless victim against the big bad mean witch (or conversely, if it is a female abuser wearing that "hat" - the mean big bad wolf). Add also, the concern this caliber of abuser expresses is feigned yet feels real so it doesn't connect with what our radar is sensing. The biggest red flag of all, IMO and IME. It doesn't connect as when this caliber of abuser appears to be listening intently, they are doing anything but listening to what we are saying yet they are examining us as though looking through a microscope the whole time. Looking back in 20/20 hindsight, they don't keep who they are a secret yet throw out enough distraction to keep our attention off what we need to be paying attention to: are their words in line with their behavior? Haven't encountered one yet who is able to keep up that facade more than a few months. Even the best of them when one knows what to look and listen for.
Tie this into the original topic of self-forgiveness. Somewhere in the very beginning, we made a choice whether or not we were aware of making it at the time. That choice was ignore what our radar was nagging us about because it did not fit with the picture being painted for us. even if the sensor was sending vague signals that something was not quite kosher. Therein I could buy into the concept of self-forgiveness after suffering abuse from a partner. Therein lies acknowledgment of a piece that only we own and within acknowledgment of that piece we own, is part of the journey to freedom. IMO Note I said part of the journey. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:40:37 PM | I have over 200 such letters saying how he felt so sorry and that he was sad and that it would never happen again. Please don't cheat on me .. Ilove you.. Ill die without you..everything is going to be fine..etc He also told me similar things when I first met him .. such as his first girlfriend cheated on him and the last one never acknowledged him and of course I really felt for this extremely nice guy. Was going to do relate counselling this time , get a job, have time for us to get to know each other again but none of it happened.
It's called "hoovering"... being literally and metaphorically "sucked in" by what he knows you wanted to hear... perhaps, even needed to hear... perhaps even yearned to hear... He is, according to what you're saying, a manipulator.. a chameleon.. someone who can change into whatever he knows someone wants him to be. In jail, their target list is rather limited and they have little else to do but write letters... Charming lil feller isn't he???
Let me ask you this Ilynass... Can you conceive of a person NOT being able to see the humanity in other people? Can you even imagine thinking of others as little more than appliances to be used and then, put back on the shelf? Try to imagine being that person who doesn't or can't see other humans as being creatures with feelings, thoughts or dreams of their own... To a person with those limitations, they feel "entitled" to have someone (like you or me or anyone) giving up everything for them, making huge sacrifices for them, forgiving them for the unforgivable, accepting the unacceptable... They don't appreciate it like you or I would because they see it as their "due"... The idea is completely foreign to a loving, compassionate person but for them, it's a way of life...
It is often the case Ilynass, (and I REALLY hope you will think about this) that as soon as you become involved with this type of person, you earn their disrespect because they think you are stupid and weak for caring about them. They know they wouldn't care about someone who treated others the way they are treating people so it's automatically a contemptible thing when they know they've "hooked" you. When you were supporting him on the inside and giving up going on with your life, he was not only unappreciative of it.. he expected it and would be surprised for you to do anything else.
I think on some level, you do understand... I think you don't want to accept what your very good brain is telling you about who he is... You want to think he is just like you and has the ability to love, to be compassionate and to be appreciative but... he... just... isn't... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:32:07 PM | I will one day.. but am not quite ready to burn them just yet.
It's like saying goodbye to two years of my life. I've sent the clothes and belongings etc back to his family but just can't quite let go of them letters. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:38:22 PM |
It's like saying goodbye to two years of my life.
Right now it feels that way.
When it's time to burn those things, you'll know as it will feel like you woke up to your today and decided to say hello to your tomorrows.
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:17:21 PM | | llynass they just words angel ....actions speak louder than words .....get two pieces of paper .on one write the good times and the other the bad .....its good therapy ...even write ya feelings down then tear them up ......you will tear those letters up he wrote .....then you will start living hunny .....you will no when the times right but please doint read his shallow words ...... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/7/2008 3:23:16 PM | I plan to have a small ceremony when I am ready... I also still have his letters and various things he sent me... Like a lock of his hair... (That was a dumb thing to do... how did he know I wouldn't get into voodoo and put it on a doll?? lol... j/k)
I will gather up these things and I will grab a shovel and take off to find a place where I can bury them and then because God IS my higher power, I will thank Him for seeing me through all these "illusions" and helping me to keep my head on straight enough that I protected my spirit to the extent that I could.
I called this thread a "process" because every step toward our healing seems to take some time to deal with... There's no quick fix... no instant glue... no magical words... Just time and the courage to face reality...
Since creating this thread and listening oh-so carefully to what the survivors have passed along, I've even had some moments of feeling tremendous relief... something I thought I would never feel. I have times when it is soooo damn good just to NOT be scared anymore... But I have some distance to travel yet... and that's okay too...
If we keep sharing our journeys in this process, I'll betcha we see some amazing things in our own lives in time... I'll just betcha... to all... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/7/2008 8:07:16 PM | Silken Fire wrote...
as soon as you become involved with this type of person, you earn their disrespect because they think you are stupid and weak for caring about them. They know they wouldn't care about someone who treated others the way they are treating people so it's automatically a contemptible thing when they know they've "hooked" you. ...a realization I had only this weekend myself--as if the alignment of the planets or something revealed this to (at least) two of us...
I heard a wonderful thought, too, that we should remember...it gives us compassion for others. It gives is the perspective and motivation to help others. I see so much of this kind of healing throughout this thread, and I want to thank everyone who DOES bother to remember.
Of all things, I think relationships are difficult (if not impossible) if a person refuses to remember--or spends all energy trying to forget--such a soul is reliving the past in the subconscious, and has never put it (the trauma) to rest. It is over, we are wiser, and we have character. I find those who are obsessed with "forgetting" haven't healed and wind up remembering in some very destructive...er, counterproductive...ways. Hence the glorious example that SF wrote about contempt: YES!!! The hatred is alive and well, waiting for an opportunity to turn outward (I called the last guy a loose cannon of resentments...and ultimately they came around to point at me. Such "forgotten" (but not forgiven) anger brought out some verbal and emotional abuse--distrust, too--and he was oblivious to "connecting." I couldn't see this for what it would ultimately mean--it was such a short step to receive/accept/acknowlege kindness--and a shorter step to GIVE it (or so I have always thought).
I think unresolved resentments (forgetting but not forgiving) is the "short circuit" in many POFers (or other predatory daters) who are seeking short list gratifications--there's a big void of forgiveness and a big surplus of unaddressed doubt/anger/denial in them.
Thank you (again) Silken Fire. Remembering is giving me some grace to deal with unfair situations, without reliving the past, and I have the perspective today to say what I don't want in my life, even (or especially) the hurts of others that comes out as hurtfulness. | |
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Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 318 | |
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/7/2008 10:44:12 PM | | I disagree that people who were abused dont have to forgive themselves. When I hear how people 'forgave', went back again to the person, job, situation etc, even when their logical mind already saw enough evidence of what would happen if they stayed, and they felt like a 'victim', I think it is easier to forgive one's self for 'allowing' it to continue when they can understand what the 'payoff' was. Example, did you hang onto a bad job and then always have a 'story' about how and why you were miserable. Or did you think your love could heal the abuser's past hurts. Maybe a 'good girl'/guy gets w/ a bad guy/ or girl. Then there is this attachment to outcome about him or her changing their bad ways and things go round and round in circles repeating until the vicitm is totally worn out or spent. It's pretty powerful stuff that operates beyond logic or reason. Taking ownership of the payoffs and having more self awareness would lead one to see and understand where they need healing-ie did they have some dysfunctional relationship with a male or female in their family growing up and they have this ever present unconscious (usually) need to 'fix' the offending mate of the smae sex in their adult relationships? When the underlying dynamic is understood forgiveness for the choices made throughout is much easier to come by | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:25:34 PM |
It would seem to me then that that in order to stop the "cycle", victims of abuse need to learn how to forgive themselves before they ever begin to try to forgive the abuser.
I can't possibly read all the posts from message 1.... but my thoughts are that it seems to be the other way around.... many abuse victims have a harder time forgiving themselves for "allowing" or putting up with the abuse, or wasting a time of their life, etc. than they do forgiving the abuser.
I think it is easier to forgive the abuser than yourself if you second guess yourself what you could have or should have done to prevent this. If you manage to get away from the abuser, you still have to pick up the pieces and heal. You still have to live with yourself even if you no longer have to live with the abuser.
If the abuser is your childrens other parent, then you might find forgiveness sooner simply out of need for your child to experience any harmoney possible.
I think that forgiveness is very important no matter whats done or who has done it. That doesnt mean you excuse it. But it lets go of a lot of anger and rechannels your energy into something far more positive. It enables you to move on and take control. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/9/2008 9:36:27 PM |
I disagree that people who were abused dont have to forgive themselves. When I hear how people 'forgave', went back again to the person, job, situation etc, even when their logical mind already saw enough evidence of what would happen if they stayed, and they felt like a 'victim',
This is true... The ones who get "truly hooked" have generally been romanced and charmed until they cannot believe their good fortune in finding someone "so right" for them. Little by little.. quite innocuously, they start to give up the other things in their lives that previously made them feel like they had their own identity. There's already been a great deal of testing that the abused has "passed" with flying colors and cleared the way for the abuser to finally attack knowing he can predict that she will likely forgive him... if he can be appropriately remorseful...
Taking ownership of the payoffs and having more self awareness would lead one to see and understand where they need healing
Here again, taking ownership of the payoffs is not the same as taking responsibility for what the abuser did... It's a valuable stage of healing I think but a lot has to happen before a person can clear away the fog and horror an abuser leaves behind before a person can actually say, "Okay now... what was that all about where I am concerned?" Then comes the forgiveness... and a welcome relief it is IF we can figure out what it's about.
I still like that thing I read about "having to forgive ourselves for not forgiving ourselves"... It's so simple, I never even thought of it...
I can't possibly read all the posts from message 1....
If you ever have a lazy day that gives you the chance to read the thread, I strongly recommend it... There are some amazing stories and even more amazing survival tools in this thread... Not just for the abused but for anyone who is having self-esteem problems... (Not suggesting you are Writer but it's just a really deep thread in some spots...)
but my thoughts are that it seems to be the other way around.... many abuse victims have a harder time forgiving themselves for "allowing" or putting up with the abuse, or wasting a time of their life, etc. than they do forgiving the abuser.
No.. your thoughts are the same... And you're absolutely right spot on... I think many of us have far higher expectations of ourselves than we do of anyone else and I also think that's one of the giveaways when one of the abusive types is looking around to spot such a person. One poster named "Rune" wrote on another thread about how these "bullies" don't go for the weak pushover types... That wouldn't be any fun and there's no conquest in being with someone who will simply become a doormat at the drop of a hat.. Oh no.. the strong, loving, compassionate ones who can "take it" are far more fun!!!
If the abuser is your childrens other parent, then you might find forgiveness sooner simply out of need for your child to experience any harmoney possible.
I thank God that the abuser in my life was not the father of my children... It must be so hard to deal with! It's kind of similar to trying to diet when you have to have food in order to live in that you can't simply cut off all contact. It must be Hell personified!
I think that forgiveness is very important no matter whats done or who has done it. That doesnt mean you excuse it. But it lets go of a lot of anger and rechannels your energy into something far more positive. It enables you to move on and take control.
I heartily agree... Being able to accept ourselves as just being human, being able to be proud of the fact that we have love and compassion to offer and understanding that we did the best we knew how to do at the time, goes a long way toward our healing. I think it was FunnyGirl who hit me between the eyes with her .. "One life Darlin'... You only get one life"... I finally "heard" it...
I love that people are still offering their valuable thoughts here... There are so many people that really need to be able to see that distant light come closer... Thanks folks!!! | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:11:18 PM | I thank God that the abuser in my life was not the father of my children... It must be Hell personified!
Trust me, it is! My kids are at the age where they're starting to think for themselves (6 and 8) and notice their dad is inconsistent at best. I try to look at his positive features as a dad... that he is caring and concerned and loving as much as he is humanly able... to our kids. He just cannot seem to stop berating me and talking negatively to the kids. Many lies and exaggerations. But my 8 year old concluded that Daddy's a liar. I gently said "That's just daddys peception of things. It might not be true to you but it might be how he sees it." I feel protective of the kids and this is breaking them in a bit. It won't be long until they have a set opinion but I'll never speed it up.
these "bullies" don't go for the weak pushover types... That wouldn't be any fun and there's no conquest in being with someone who will simply become a doormat at the drop of a hat
I was a very strong person and I dont know when I became the pushover. But it didnt last as long as he planned and he got booted before he knew what happened. And never forgave me for that. I felt on the cusp of danger so I acted quickly. I think it saved my life. But he is still bent on making my life a living hell whenever the mood pleases him.
But only last month came a series of events that were so bizarre and so rabid, it really opened up my eyes. I believe that he feels out of control and tries a tighter grip on me so to speak. For the most part I reacted calmly and firmly, and everything worked out. He is not happy about that. I thought I would be forever stressed my this person but I am over it sooner than later - much sooner.
I think its important for people to understand that abusers are not original people. They are classic ... meaning the same pattern as others. If you read Lundy Bancrofts book, "Why Does He Do That?" it will appear that Bancroft actually interviewed YOUR abuser.
Don't give abusers the power or credit for coming up with what they do. Its been done and we don't have to give into it. Educate yourself as much as possible. The more you know the more you can manage it. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:52:47 AM | With Rune3's permission, I am recapturing a post she left under another thread that I think is beyond wise and tremendously healing for those of us who are going through the dance of recovery. I have no doubt that if you will take just a few moments to read this, you will walk a little taller afterward...
Thank you for letting me share this Rune3...
Abuse happens to both men and women. It happens to loving souls who are steady/strong enough to endure emotional and/or physical suffering and to forgive over and over, unable to believe that the person they have come to love (usually abuse will gradually surface after a period of time) is not trying just as hard as they are to make the relationship work.
The abuser will pretend that their suffering is equal to that of their target; that their anger is the result of emotional torment caused by the behaviour of the target. The target, having been isolated from friends and family and being the type of person to take their own personal responsibility very seriously and to think the best of others, is led to believe that they are to blame for everything that happens and that the abuser loves them but struggles to cope with certain things -- their loving response to which is to forgive and to try to support the abuser through these 'problems'.
Sometimes, relationships are mutually abusive and the 'desirable' woman is just as abusive to the man she is with, if not more so. Abusers can be brilliant at being charming and portraying themselves as the injured party to those outside of the relationship. Successful and attractive women definitely do attract abusers as a challenge -- abuse is strongly connected with the abuser's feelings of not being in control of their own life and they get a buzz from having control over others who managed to achieve what they would have liked to achieve. Everyone knows that success is small defence against the universally human feelings of insecurity and uncertainty and these can always be played upon.
Enticing people is not going to be hard when you don't give a damn about making a genuine connection. People tell you what they want and if you are setting out to attract someone, you can put on the act, motivated by the buzz you get out of being in control of the situation and manipulating them. The most powerful tool is probably "I love you!" -- people believe that because they want to and loving and sincere men and women could not dream of saying that without it meaning something very profound and respond to it as such.
I feel very sorry for abusers -- there must be something very wrong in their heads -- besides their cruelty and deceit, they have given up on ever being loved for who they are inside, never giving it a chance to happen. Targets can learn from one experience with one abuser and move on; I don't think abusers learn and move on -- not without serious psychological therapy. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/17/2008 1:07:55 AM |
I was a very strong person and I dont know when I became the pushover. But it didnt last as long as he planned and he got booted before he knew what happened. And never forgave me for that. I felt on the cusp of danger so I acted quickly. I think it saved my life. But he is still bent on making my life a living hell whenever the mood pleases him.
Writer.. I hope you will see Rune's post above because she is addressing women like you and so many of us who think we "became pushovers".
You didn't... and you still aren't... You'll know that once you've read what Rune has to say.
Keep the faith my friend... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:49:37 PM | OP . . .not in order but the quotes below are from your initial post . . . which IMO you provided the answer . . .
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They consider that maybe their abuser was right about their flaws and defectiveness because after all, they picked him or her.
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^^^He is right . . . she has been given him all the power. . . In that the victim has been sheltered and isolated (the end result is isolation) from other ppl . . . she has no feedback as to the reality of her situation. . . it is well known that we are social beings . . . and only through interaction with others does one gains insight and forms one’s own opinions/decisions . . . the victim has no "best friends" . . . and no confidant . . . and her family are not in her life anymore . . . . . the only feedback she is getting is coming from the abuser (and we know that it is not objective feed back).
To heal, she has to be removed from him . . . for his influence over her mind is to great . . . mind you this has been going on for years . .. she has been condition (due to not having others around) to LISTEN to him which results in doing as he says . . .
She has to be introduced to the REAL world again . . .(not the groceries, not work, not the children, not the necessities of life) . . . the world of interacting with other individuals on a REAL level so that she may gain insight and start forming HER OWN OPINIONS again. . . . the risk at this stage is that her insight will be only as good as her source for wisdom . . .objectivity . . . discernment, etc. . . .
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. . . victims of abuse often search their own psyches to determine whether or not they even consider themselves worthy of love and respectful treatment.
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victims of abuse often think the abuser was right and that they ARE hopeless and DESERVING of the mistreatment.
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^^^IMO, once she starts to interact whether it be support groups . . . professional help (and there are lots and lots of resources for abused women out there . . .no excuse for not seeking help) . . .in time she will realize that she is WORHTY . . . she is DESERVING . . . and the HEALING BEGINS . . . professionals claim that for ever 4 years it takes 1 year to heal . . . I truly believe this to be true.
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victims of abuse need to learn how to forgive themselves before they ever begin to try to forgive the abuser.
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^^^I'm not sure "forgiveness" is the right word . . .I think the moment one sees self as DESERVING . . .sees self as WORTHY of better treatment . . . that is the TURNING point of NO RETURN.
Now the victim will always be a victim unless the victim accepts responsibility for her role in the abusive relationship.
Eventually to KNOW one is WORTHY . . . one is DESERVING . . . one has a gift for giving . . . then the ABUSER becomes UNWORHTY . . . the ABUSER becomes UNDSERVING . . . the victim becomes the SURVIVOR! This is not about the all psyched feeling of “Oooooh I’m better than he is . . .” this is about realization that one is NOT the bad, undeserving, unworthy person one was conditioned/convinced to be . . .
IMO, the rest of the recovery/journey is what I call the LEARNING stage . . . one has to learn who self is again . . . our needs . . our dislikes . . . really be HONEST with self . . . for without HONESTY with self . . . one is only CHEATING oneself of true happiness . . . and honesty to see our weaknesses . . .and recognize our strengths . . . also what does one have to offer . . . LEARN TO SOLVED ONES PROBLEMS ALONE!!!!! (A BIG ONE) . . . LEARN to make GOOD SOUND decisions based on what is in the best interest of self . . . LEARN to enjoy self’s company . . .
IMO, at the end of the journey is ACCEPTANCE which leads to content and peace in one’s soul . . . and only through ACCEPTANCE of myself was I able to accept him with his shortcomings (let’s be nice-heheheee!).
In short . . . his shortcomings ARE NOT my shortcomings . . I really do thank God that I have moved on for the best . . . and his shortcomings are definiately NOT my shortcomings! This may be the idiot’s reasoning . . . if so . . . I am a VERY HAPPY idiot!
Best of luck,
~Myth~ | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/10/2008 1:40:14 PM | Myth... although some time has now passed since you posted, I found some really valuable insights there.
I'm not sure "forgiveness" is the right word . . .
For me (and perhaps for me only), "forgiveness" is the right word to describe what I needed at the point I had come to when I started this thread. In order to find it within me to "accept" what had happened to my life, I had to get some of the tremendous anger I felt with myself, down to a manageable level and for me, that took forgiveness. This is perhaps because my situation was not one of "domestic violence" so much as it was one of having a terrorist in my life who scared me so much that I eventually, "froze" in the headlights and stayed there. It had nothing whatsoever to do with my feelings of self-worth except that after the initial experiences, I developed a sense of futility and helplessness. That was what made me feel upset with myself - I had never been one to cave in my life and so, I had to forgive me before I could move on to the point of "acceptance".
^^^IMO, once she starts to interact whether it be support groups . . . professional help (and there are lots and lots of resources for abused women out there . . .no excuse for not seeking help) . . .
I live in a relatively large city. I also believe in the value of support groups and started looking around for one. I contacted the women's transition house and was told that in order to be involved with the groups offered by the transition house, a woman had to be resident there. I was told to contact the shelter's main office because they also had groups. They did - they had 3 groups that ran between the hours of 9 to 4:30 p.m., Monday through Friday. These are the same hours many people are working and for those of us who are rebuilding our lives, taking that kind of time off from a new job just isn't going to happen. When I inquired about evening or weekend groups, I was told there weren't "the resources" to run evening groups. They referred me to the Family Violence Centre. There I was told that the women's groups were largely for the women that are still living with the abuser.
Here in Canada, many of our "resources" could use some vast improvement because our government has pulled funding from the women's initiatives in an extreme way these past years. Women's shelters have waiting lists and 30 day stay limits. For the general public to believe that there are lots of resources is somewhat misleading because so much of the funding has been pulled. I hope that this changes but as far as I am concerned, it's a wall of smoke at election time and nothing more.
In short . . . his shortcomings ARE NOT my shortcomings . . I really do thank God that I have moved on for the best . . . and his shortcomings are definiately NOT my shortcomings! This may be the idiot’s reasoning . . . if so . . . I am a VERY HAPPY idiot!
I loved this! I wanna be a happy idiot toooooo.... | |
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