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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:38:08 PM | I totally admire you....and a big high five to you and your kids!!!!
I have experienced abusive relationships in the past . I have blamed myself for their wrong doings and almost lost my sanity due to their insanity!!!
I am previously working on loving myself and working on my self esteem to prevent this happening to me again!!Having Faith is the key answer. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/12/2008 7:34:52 PM | | I looked in the mirror and asked,Where are you? Where did that brave smart funny woman go? Somewhere deep inside me I heard a voice say,I am here waiting for you. I ran that day and I didn't look back. I found myself again that day. I like me. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 3:47:23 PM | Ok...first of all do we all really think that applebottom's story is the whole truth? Doubt it. I have been spending the last couple of months looking at her forum and just can't connect all of these stories to be the truth. Funny that she added me as a favorite...I was only interested in her forum and all of the sympathy that MOST of you are putting into it. I swear I saw this story on Judge Mathis not too long ago...oh my it actually was her and ummmmm I can't remember his name. Now it seemed to me watching their show that this guy did indeed do some of what applebottom claims...but all that money? PLEASE!!!!! Judge Mathis gave them both a run for their money...it was pretty ironic that I had been reading these posts and actually got to see them on the show. This woman is or was virtually a stalker...you should have heard his stories...well in case you didnt see their case she won for the $5000 she sued for but he won his counter suit which only gave her a few hundred to dangle in his face. Bottom line is little miss innocent isn't all that innocent so you all should quit feeling sorry for her. OOOOOOHHHHHH PP! | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 4:36:58 PM | Brown-Eyed... I think you have the wrong thread... I have read this wonderful thread through many times but unless I missed a story on someone named "Applebottom", I'll admit your post has left me entirely confused...
Judge Mathis? Somebody Applebottom? Huh?
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 4:55:58 PM | | To Silken Fire.. I once thought that we the abused had nothing to forgive ourselves for but now that i have come this far i feel differently. I feel ashamed that i put my family through this ordeal.I'm not the only one in therapy .. i recently found out that my middle daughter is in therapy as well. As much as we are trying to understand each other as well as find each other again there are still areas in which we disagree. I too would be greatful to hear from anyone who can offer some positive advise ..from the once abused to the abused's family. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:19:21 PM | Abuse - a very involved topic to say the least. There are so many perspectives not only for the victims, but for the abuser as well. I myself was a "victim" for much of my life.....Numerous "abusers". Forgiving is a spiritual concept that speaks to the very soul. Forgiving is necessary inorder to let go of all the negative and focus on the positive. Where to start? Where are you focusing the "blame"? Start there....
If it is with yourself, mantras work!! If you blame yourself for......... Then start with
a mantra: I forgive myself for ..............; For each thing you blame yourself or someone else for, find the opposite to re-enforce.
Example: " I forgive myself for believing I am of no value - I am amazing with valuable gifts of self for those I love" Repeat the mantra 10 times every morning. Repeat it to yourself frequently throughout the day.......You will find that even if you "don't believe" what you are saying when you start, within a few weeks your confidence will rise and you Will begin to believe......As one blame fades, replace the next "item" in its place in the mantra.......You will find, thru this simple exercise the start you need to heal and forgive.............
In love | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:22:32 PM | Ilynass... Bravo on your being in therapy and I am so relieved to hear that your daughter is also in therapy...
As you know from our previous discussions, I believe that our loved ones and friends become "victims" of the offender vicariously. They also suffer, have difficulty understanding (particularly since many of us protect them from knowing how bad things really are or what the abuser is threatening to do to THEM if we leave) and feel terribly helpless. This is no different from how the actual targeted victim feels, is it Hon? I am making a strong point to you with this...
Because your loved ones and friends are also victims, the depth of how they've felt will also be in direct proportion to how much pain, heartache and helplessness they've felt while having no choice at all about what course of action we chose to follow. Many families never think to have anyone affected by violence go into therapy but I think it is just awesome if your daughter is also finding new mental weapons to cope with her feelings...
It's okay to disagree... It's okay for her not to understand some things... It's okay for you to feel that there are some things you can't even explain yourself... But the future and how you each choose to carve it is now there and waiting for both of you to go on in a way that you couldn't before...
When you've both worked through all the feelings and misunderstandings, you will actually be able to lay this horrible time to rest but it's a process Ilynass... There are no "quick fixes" (as much as we wish with all our hearts that there were)...
Hang in there and be strong... A whole new way of life.. one that includes both of you and allows you to go on with self-respect and strength is waiting for you... It's worth the work my friend... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:28:07 PM | One of the most powerful things I did was go to Louise Hay's work. She is a gorgeous lady in her 80s who was severely abused and tortured in childhood, and had a very difficult life as a result. But she took her destiny in her own hands and worked really hard to heal. As a result she is now shining a spotlight on the way out for those of us with abuse issues. She has a book called "You Can Heal Your Life" and a CD called "Anger Releasing." She's also created a powerful publishing company called Hay House which has a free internet radio station at www.hayhouseradio.com.
Her Anger Releasing audio takes you on a meditative journey of healing and forgiveness of your abusers. Don't get me wrong; she allows you to rage at them and even symbolically exact revenge before the forgiveness process begins. But folks, you MUST face the fact of your history head on before you can ever change it for good. Louise Hay offers affirmations that are really powerful and also help with physical ailments often brought on by adrenal gland failure because of the constant stream of the hormone cortisol that is released as we're perpetually in a fight-or-flight situation at the hands of our abusers and the situations we choose.
Reading and working with Melody Beatty's work on Codependency is really powerful. Abuse and staying with abusers is another form of addiction, and we need to gradually learn to empower ourselves to live our own lives, not be so attached to the problems that others have and create in our lives (ditch the drama, as Mary J. Blige says). But this takes lots of work, and meetings of Codependents Anonymous can help (look up on Google for your area, also known as CODA).
I also just read an amazing book by Joe Vitale (he was one of the people interviewed in the movie "The Secret") called Zero Limits. It focuses on teaching you a healing prayer from ancient Hawaiian culture. It's a simple cleansing prayer..."I love you; I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you." It sounds crazy, but it's like a spiritual offering and focusing on the divine and the divine in you, which you transgressed by adopting the stories and patterns offered you when you were a child and which you internalized and believed. This prayer focuses your consciousness and has resulted in incredible miracles. It has elements of simple things that all lead to redemption: Love, contrition, forgiveness and gratitude.
That's the wisdom I can share right now. And I want to give love and blessings to all out there that are on the journey toward a life of real love, healthy love. --- Joyful2 | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:44:27 PM | If everybody shared some enlightning messages to those who are looking... imagine the leaps and bounds the person in the mirror may see... and perhaps even share.
The forgiving of ones' self does not recquire understanding of the ignorant abuser, rather our own ignorances. The wisdom of another helps us see what we are in denial of.
Remember there are literary writings going back thousands of years, pointing to better ways. Find one you agree with. Then work at their principles. It is a life long journey, maybe longer.
Shine a light
On yourself
And those around you.
Ur Xoxo. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 9/5/2008 11:22:19 PM |
Kill the snake of doubt in your soul,
Crush the worms of fear in your heart,
And mountains will move out of your way.
~Kate Seredy
I wish that I may
One day,
Move mountains.
But for today
I toil,
the soul.
To Joyful2,
Ur Xoxo.
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 9/6/2008 1:21:48 AM | Joyful... thank you for recommending some empowering reading for people who are still following this thread...
When I first started into the process of healing, I read all of the "what is the matter with me?" books I could lay my hands on... I attended groups... CODA, Breaking the Silence, Relationship, Healing the Inner Child... I engaged in meditation, creative visualization... anything to find a peaceful place to hopefully meet up with and deal with the person I'd started out to be... I could recite at least 100 affirmations by heart... And I did personal one to one therapy... I used healing stones, colored baths, angel cards... Well, you might say I was completely determined to change what I saw as being my fate caused by my own habits...
Imagine my surprise then, when despite my willingness to grab hold of every healing device known to man, I STILL seemed to attract those who seemed to be in need of excessive compassion... I had the "mental survival weapons" in place but I have to admit, there was a part of me that resented that "co-dependent" sticker that was used to label "wives" of my generation. Not only were we raised to care about others and to provide nurturance but many of us had already done that dance for years and made many valuable sacrifices in the name of "love" when all of a sudden, in the 80's, the psycho-powers started telling us that we were "disordered"... I continue to take exception to the term "co-dependency" because I have also been around long enough to see what is happening to the world without that nurturance and me-centredness that now dominates the psych scene.
While I think there is enormous value in reading books such as Melody Beattie has written, I think it's all too easy for a "victim" to interpret books on topics like codependency as validating what an abusive partner is saying about them and so, I would urge caution in some of these things when a person is still trying to extricate themselves from an abusive situation.
When a person is still "stuck", they need to focus on how to get unstuck... I think positive self-affirmations can be tremendously helpful, counseling is a must-have and being able to feel proud of one's ability to love (yes, even the wounded...) is an important piece of feeling strong enough to finally begin to effect some of the necessary changes.
Thank you for sharing these valuable healing tools with us...
UR XOXO... As always, your contributions are very thought-provoking... Thank you! | |
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