|
|
|
|
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:17:21 PM | | llynass they just words angel ....actions speak louder than words .....get two pieces of paper .on one write the good times and the other the bad .....its good therapy ...even write ya feelings down then tear them up ......you will tear those letters up he wrote .....then you will start living hunny .....you will no when the times right but please doint read his shallow words ...... | |
|
| |
| |
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/7/2008 3:23:16 PM | I plan to have a small ceremony when I am ready... I also still have his letters and various things he sent me... Like a lock of his hair... (That was a dumb thing to do... how did he know I wouldn't get into voodoo and put it on a doll?? lol... j/k)
I will gather up these things and I will grab a shovel and take off to find a place where I can bury them and then because God IS my higher power, I will thank Him for seeing me through all these "illusions" and helping me to keep my head on straight enough that I protected my spirit to the extent that I could.
I called this thread a "process" because every step toward our healing seems to take some time to deal with... There's no quick fix... no instant glue... no magical words... Just time and the courage to face reality...
Since creating this thread and listening oh-so carefully to what the survivors have passed along, I've even had some moments of feeling tremendous relief... something I thought I would never feel. I have times when it is soooo damn good just to NOT be scared anymore... But I have some distance to travel yet... and that's okay too...
If we keep sharing our journeys in this process, I'll betcha we see some amazing things in our own lives in time... I'll just betcha...  to all... | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/7/2008 8:07:16 PM | Silken Fire wrote...
as soon as you become involved with this type of person, you earn their disrespect because they think you are stupid and weak for caring about them. They know they wouldn't care about someone who treated others the way they are treating people so it's automatically a contemptible thing when they know they've "hooked" you. ...a realization I had only this weekend myself--as if the alignment of the planets or something revealed this to (at least) two of us...
I heard a wonderful thought, too, that we should remember...it gives us compassion for others. It gives is the perspective and motivation to help others. I see so much of this kind of healing throughout this thread, and I want to thank everyone who DOES bother to remember.
Of all things, I think relationships are difficult (if not impossible) if a person refuses to remember--or spends all energy trying to forget--such a soul is reliving the past in the subconscious, and has never put it (the trauma) to rest. It is over, we are wiser, and we have character. I find those who are obsessed with "forgetting" haven't healed and wind up remembering in some very destructive...er, counterproductive...ways. Hence the glorious example that SF wrote about contempt: YES!!! The hatred is alive and well, waiting for an opportunity to turn outward (I called the last guy a loose cannon of resentments...and ultimately they came around to point at me. Such "forgotten" (but not forgiven) anger brought out some verbal and emotional abuse--distrust, too--and he was oblivious to "connecting." I couldn't see this for what it would ultimately mean--it was such a short step to receive/accept/acknowlege kindness--and a shorter step to GIVE it (or so I have always thought).
I think unresolved resentments (forgetting but not forgiving) is the "short circuit" in many POFers (or other predatory daters) who are seeking short list gratifications--there's a big void of forgiveness and a big surplus of unaddressed doubt/anger/denial in them.
Thank you (again) Silken Fire. Remembering is giving me some grace to deal with unfair situations, without reliving the past, and I have the perspective today to say what I don't want in my life, even (or especially) the hurts of others that comes out as hurtfulness. | |
|
gvnage
|
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 318 | |
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/7/2008 10:44:12 PM | | I disagree that people who were abused dont have to forgive themselves. When I hear how people 'forgave', went back again to the person, job, situation etc, even when their logical mind already saw enough evidence of what would happen if they stayed, and they felt like a 'victim', I think it is easier to forgive one's self for 'allowing' it to continue when they can understand what the 'payoff' was. Example, did you hang onto a bad job and then always have a 'story' about how and why you were miserable. Or did you think your love could heal the abuser's past hurts. Maybe a 'good girl'/guy gets w/ a bad guy/ or girl. Then there is this attachment to outcome about him or her changing their bad ways and things go round and round in circles repeating until the vicitm is totally worn out or spent. It's pretty powerful stuff that operates beyond logic or reason. Taking ownership of the payoffs and having more self awareness would lead one to see and understand where they need healing-ie did they have some dysfunctional relationship with a male or female in their family growing up and they have this ever present unconscious (usually) need to 'fix' the offending mate of the smae sex in their adult relationships? When the underlying dynamic is understood forgiveness for the choices made throughout is much easier to come by | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:25:34 PM |
It would seem to me then that that in order to stop the "cycle", victims of abuse need to learn how to forgive themselves before they ever begin to try to forgive the abuser.
I can't possibly read all the posts from message 1.... but my thoughts are that it seems to be the other way around.... many abuse victims have a harder time forgiving themselves for "allowing" or putting up with the abuse, or wasting a time of their life, etc. than they do forgiving the abuser.
I think it is easier to forgive the abuser than yourself if you second guess yourself what you could have or should have done to prevent this. If you manage to get away from the abuser, you still have to pick up the pieces and heal. You still have to live with yourself even if you no longer have to live with the abuser.
If the abuser is your childrens other parent, then you might find forgiveness sooner simply out of need for your child to experience any harmoney possible.
I think that forgiveness is very important no matter whats done or who has done it. That doesnt mean you excuse it. But it lets go of a lot of anger and rechannels your energy into something far more positive. It enables you to move on and take control. | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/9/2008 9:36:27 PM |
I disagree that people who were abused dont have to forgive themselves. When I hear how people 'forgave', went back again to the person, job, situation etc, even when their logical mind already saw enough evidence of what would happen if they stayed, and they felt like a 'victim',
This is true... The ones who get "truly hooked" have generally been romanced and charmed until they cannot believe their good fortune in finding someone "so right" for them. Little by little.. quite innocuously, they start to give up the other things in their lives that previously made them feel like they had their own identity. There's already been a great deal of testing that the abused has "passed" with flying colors and cleared the way for the abuser to finally attack knowing he can predict that she will likely forgive him... if he can be appropriately remorseful...
Taking ownership of the payoffs and having more self awareness would lead one to see and understand where they need healing
Here again, taking ownership of the payoffs is not the same as taking responsibility for what the abuser did... It's a valuable stage of healing I think but a lot has to happen before a person can clear away the fog and horror an abuser leaves behind before a person can actually say, "Okay now... what was that all about where I am concerned?" Then comes the forgiveness... and a welcome relief it is IF we can figure out what it's about.
I still like that thing I read about "having to forgive ourselves for not forgiving ourselves"... It's so simple, I never even thought of it...
I can't possibly read all the posts from message 1....
If you ever have a lazy day that gives you the chance to read the thread, I strongly recommend it... There are some amazing stories and even more amazing survival tools in this thread... Not just for the abused but for anyone who is having self-esteem problems... (Not suggesting you are Writer but it's just a really deep thread in some spots...)
but my thoughts are that it seems to be the other way around.... many abuse victims have a harder time forgiving themselves for "allowing" or putting up with the abuse, or wasting a time of their life, etc. than they do forgiving the abuser.
No.. your thoughts are the same... And you're absolutely right spot on... I think many of us have far higher expectations of ourselves than we do of anyone else and I also think that's one of the giveaways when one of the abusive types is looking around to spot such a person. One poster named "Rune" wrote on another thread about how these "bullies" don't go for the weak pushover types... That wouldn't be any fun and there's no conquest in being with someone who will simply become a doormat at the drop of a hat.. Oh no.. the strong, loving, compassionate ones who can "take it" are far more fun!!!
If the abuser is your childrens other parent, then you might find forgiveness sooner simply out of need for your child to experience any harmoney possible.
I thank God that the abuser in my life was not the father of my children... It must be so hard to deal with! It's kind of similar to trying to diet when you have to have food in order to live in that you can't simply cut off all contact. It must be Hell personified!
I think that forgiveness is very important no matter whats done or who has done it. That doesnt mean you excuse it. But it lets go of a lot of anger and rechannels your energy into something far more positive. It enables you to move on and take control.
I heartily agree... Being able to accept ourselves as just being human, being able to be proud of the fact that we have love and compassion to offer and understanding that we did the best we knew how to do at the time, goes a long way toward our healing. I think it was FunnyGirl who hit me between the eyes with her .. "One life Darlin'... You only get one life"... I finally "heard" it...
I love that people are still offering their valuable thoughts here... There are so many people that really need to be able to see that distant light come closer... Thanks folks!!! | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:11:18 PM | I thank God that the abuser in my life was not the father of my children... It must be Hell personified!
Trust me, it is! My kids are at the age where they're starting to think for themselves (6 and 8) and notice their dad is inconsistent at best. I try to look at his positive features as a dad... that he is caring and concerned and loving as much as he is humanly able... to our kids. He just cannot seem to stop berating me and talking negatively to the kids. Many lies and exaggerations. But my 8 year old concluded that Daddy's a liar. I gently said "That's just daddys peception of things. It might not be true to you but it might be how he sees it." I feel protective of the kids and this is breaking them in a bit. It won't be long until they have a set opinion but I'll never speed it up.
these "bullies" don't go for the weak pushover types... That wouldn't be any fun and there's no conquest in being with someone who will simply become a doormat at the drop of a hat
I was a very strong person and I dont know when I became the pushover. But it didnt last as long as he planned and he got booted before he knew what happened. And never forgave me for that. I felt on the cusp of danger so I acted quickly. I think it saved my life. But he is still bent on making my life a living hell whenever the mood pleases him.
But only last month came a series of events that were so bizarre and so rabid, it really opened up my eyes. I believe that he feels out of control and tries a tighter grip on me so to speak. For the most part I reacted calmly and firmly, and everything worked out. He is not happy about that. I thought I would be forever stressed my this person but I am over it sooner than later - much sooner.
I think its important for people to understand that abusers are not original people. They are classic ... meaning the same pattern as others. If you read Lundy Bancrofts book, "Why Does He Do That?" it will appear that Bancroft actually interviewed YOUR abuser.
Don't give abusers the power or credit for coming up with what they do. Its been done and we don't have to give into it. Educate yourself as much as possible. The more you know the more you can manage it. | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:52:47 AM | With Rune3's permission, I am recapturing a post she left under another thread that I think is beyond wise and tremendously healing for those of us who are going through the dance of recovery. I have no doubt that if you will take just a few moments to read this, you will walk a little taller afterward...
Thank you for letting me share this Rune3...
Abuse happens to both men and women. It happens to loving souls who are steady/strong enough to endure emotional and/or physical suffering and to forgive over and over, unable to believe that the person they have come to love (usually abuse will gradually surface after a period of time) is not trying just as hard as they are to make the relationship work.
The abuser will pretend that their suffering is equal to that of their target; that their anger is the result of emotional torment caused by the behaviour of the target. The target, having been isolated from friends and family and being the type of person to take their own personal responsibility very seriously and to think the best of others, is led to believe that they are to blame for everything that happens and that the abuser loves them but struggles to cope with certain things -- their loving response to which is to forgive and to try to support the abuser through these 'problems'.
Sometimes, relationships are mutually abusive and the 'desirable' woman is just as abusive to the man she is with, if not more so. Abusers can be brilliant at being charming and portraying themselves as the injured party to those outside of the relationship. Successful and attractive women definitely do attract abusers as a challenge -- abuse is strongly connected with the abuser's feelings of not being in control of their own life and they get a buzz from having control over others who managed to achieve what they would have liked to achieve. Everyone knows that success is small defence against the universally human feelings of insecurity and uncertainty and these can always be played upon.
Enticing people is not going to be hard when you don't give a damn about making a genuine connection. People tell you what they want and if you are setting out to attract someone, you can put on the act, motivated by the buzz you get out of being in control of the situation and manipulating them. The most powerful tool is probably "I love you!" -- people believe that because they want to and loving and sincere men and women could not dream of saying that without it meaning something very profound and respond to it as such.
I feel very sorry for abusers -- there must be something very wrong in their heads -- besides their cruelty and deceit, they have given up on ever being loved for who they are inside, never giving it a chance to happen. Targets can learn from one experience with one abuser and move on; I don't think abusers learn and move on -- not without serious psychological therapy. | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/17/2008 1:07:55 AM |
I was a very strong person and I dont know when I became the pushover. But it didnt last as long as he planned and he got booted before he knew what happened. And never forgave me for that. I felt on the cusp of danger so I acted quickly. I think it saved my life. But he is still bent on making my life a living hell whenever the mood pleases him.
Writer.. I hope you will see Rune's post above because she is addressing women like you and so many of us who think we "became pushovers".
You didn't... and you still aren't... You'll know that once you've read what Rune has to say.
Keep the faith my friend... | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:49:37 PM | OP . . .not in order but the quotes below are from your initial post . . . which IMO you provided the answer . . .
__________________________________________________________
They consider that maybe their abuser was right about their flaws and defectiveness because after all, they picked him or her.
__________________________________________________________
^^^He is right . . . she has been given him all the power. . . In that the victim has been sheltered and isolated (the end result is isolation) from other ppl . . . she has no feedback as to the reality of her situation. . . it is well known that we are social beings . . . and only through interaction with others does one gains insight and forms one’s own opinions/decisions . . . the victim has no "best friends" . . . and no confidant . . . and her family are not in her life anymore . . . . . the only feedback she is getting is coming from the abuser (and we know that it is not objective feed back).
To heal, she has to be removed from him . . . for his influence over her mind is to great . . . mind you this has been going on for years . .. she has been condition (due to not having others around) to LISTEN to him which results in doing as he says . . .
She has to be introduced to the REAL world again . . .(not the groceries, not work, not the children, not the necessities of life) . . . the world of interacting with other individuals on a REAL level so that she may gain insight and start forming HER OWN OPINIONS again. . . . the risk at this stage is that her insight will be only as good as her source for wisdom . . .objectivity . . . discernment, etc. . . .
__________________________________________________________
. . . victims of abuse often search their own psyches to determine whether or not they even consider themselves worthy of love and respectful treatment.
__________________________________________________________
victims of abuse often think the abuser was right and that they ARE hopeless and DESERVING of the mistreatment.
__________________________________________________________
^^^IMO, once she starts to interact whether it be support groups . . . professional help (and there are lots and lots of resources for abused women out there . . .no excuse for not seeking help) . . .in time she will realize that she is WORHTY . . . she is DESERVING . . . and the HEALING BEGINS . . . professionals claim that for ever 4 years it takes 1 year to heal . . . I truly believe this to be true.
__________________________________________________________
victims of abuse need to learn how to forgive themselves before they ever begin to try to forgive the abuser.
__________________________________________________________
^^^I'm not sure "forgiveness" is the right word . . .I think the moment one sees self as DESERVING . . .sees self as WORTHY of better treatment . . . that is the TURNING point of NO RETURN.
Now the victim will always be a victim unless the victim accepts responsibility for her role in the abusive relationship.
Eventually to KNOW one is WORTHY . . . one is DESERVING . . . one has a gift for giving . . . then the ABUSER becomes UNWORHTY . . . the ABUSER becomes UNDSERVING . . . the victim becomes the SURVIVOR! This is not about the all psyched feeling of “Oooooh I’m better than he is . . .” this is about realization that one is NOT the bad, undeserving, unworthy person one was conditioned/convinced to be . . .
IMO, the rest of the recovery/journey is what I call the LEARNING stage . . . one has to learn who self is again . . . our needs . . our dislikes . . . really be HONEST with self . . . for without HONESTY with self . . . one is only CHEATING oneself of true happiness . . . and honesty to see our weaknesses . . .and recognize our strengths . . . also what does one have to offer . . . LEARN TO SOLVED ONES PROBLEMS ALONE!!!!! (A BIG ONE) . . . LEARN to make GOOD SOUND decisions based on what is in the best interest of self . . . LEARN to enjoy self’s company . . .
IMO, at the end of the journey is ACCEPTANCE which leads to content and peace in one’s soul . . . and only through ACCEPTANCE of myself was I able to accept him with his shortcomings (let’s be nice-heheheee!).
In short . . . his shortcomings ARE NOT my shortcomings . . I really do thank God that I have moved on for the best . . . and his shortcomings are definiately NOT my shortcomings! This may be the idiot’s reasoning . . . if so . . . I am a VERY HAPPY idiot!
Best of luck,
~Myth~ | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/10/2008 1:40:14 PM | Myth... although some time has now passed since you posted, I found some really valuable insights there.
I'm not sure "forgiveness" is the right word . . .
For me (and perhaps for me only), "forgiveness" is the right word to describe what I needed at the point I had come to when I started this thread. In order to find it within me to "accept" what had happened to my life, I had to get some of the tremendous anger I felt with myself, down to a manageable level and for me, that took forgiveness. This is perhaps because my situation was not one of "domestic violence" so much as it was one of having a terrorist in my life who scared me so much that I eventually, "froze" in the headlights and stayed there. It had nothing whatsoever to do with my feelings of self-worth except that after the initial experiences, I developed a sense of futility and helplessness. That was what made me feel upset with myself - I had never been one to cave in my life and so, I had to forgive me before I could move on to the point of "acceptance".
^^^IMO, once she starts to interact whether it be support groups . . . professional help (and there are lots and lots of resources for abused women out there . . .no excuse for not seeking help) . . .
I live in a relatively large city. I also believe in the value of support groups and started looking around for one. I contacted the women's transition house and was told that in order to be involved with the groups offered by the transition house, a woman had to be resident there. I was told to contact the shelter's main office because they also had groups. They did - they had 3 groups that ran between the hours of 9 to 4:30 p.m., Monday through Friday. These are the same hours many people are working and for those of us who are rebuilding our lives, taking that kind of time off from a new job just isn't going to happen. When I inquired about evening or weekend groups, I was told there weren't "the resources" to run evening groups. They referred me to the Family Violence Centre. There I was told that the women's groups were largely for the women that are still living with the abuser.
Here in Canada, many of our "resources" could use some vast improvement because our government has pulled funding from the women's initiatives in an extreme way these past years. Women's shelters have waiting lists and 30 day stay limits. For the general public to believe that there are lots of resources is somewhat misleading because so much of the funding has been pulled. I hope that this changes but as far as I am concerned, it's a wall of smoke at election time and nothing more.
In short . . . his shortcomings ARE NOT my shortcomings . . I really do thank God that I have moved on for the best . . . and his shortcomings are definiately NOT my shortcomings! This may be the idiot’s reasoning . . . if so . . . I am a VERY HAPPY idiot!
I loved this! I wanna be a happy idiot toooooo.... | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:38:08 PM | I totally admire you....and a big high five to you and your kids!!!!
I have experienced abusive relationships in the past . I have blamed myself for their wrong doings and almost lost my sanity due to their insanity!!!
I am previously working on loving myself and working on my self esteem to prevent this happening to me again!!Having Faith is the key answer. | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/12/2008 7:34:52 PM | | I looked in the mirror and asked,Where are you? Where did that brave smart funny woman go? Somewhere deep inside me I heard a voice say,I am here waiting for you. I ran that day and I didn't look back. I found myself again that day. I like me. | |
|
| |
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 3:47:23 PM | Ok...first of all do we all really think that applebottom's story is the whole truth? Doubt it. I have been spending the last couple of months looking at her forum and just can't connect all of these stories to be the truth. Funny that she added me as a favorite...I was only interested in her forum and all of the sympathy that MOST of you are putting into it. I swear I saw this story on Judge Mathis not too long ago...oh my it actually was her and ummmmm I can't remember his name. Now it seemed to me watching their show that this guy did indeed do some of what applebottom claims...but all that money? PLEASE!!!!! Judge Mathis gave them both a run for their money...it was pretty ironic that I had been reading these posts and actually got to see them on the show. This woman is or was virtually a stalker...you should have heard his stories...well in case you didnt see their case she won for the $5000 she sued for but he won his counter suit which only gave her a few hundred to dangle in his face. Bottom line is little miss innocent isn't all that innocent so you all should quit feeling sorry for her. OOOOOOHHHHHH PP! | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 4:36:58 PM | Brown-Eyed... I think you have the wrong thread... I have read this wonderful thread through many times but unless I missed a story on someone named "Applebottom", I'll admit your post has left me entirely confused...
Judge Mathis? Somebody Applebottom? Huh?
 | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 4:55:58 PM | | To Silken Fire.. I once thought that we the abused had nothing to forgive ourselves for but now that i have come this far i feel differently. I feel ashamed that i put my family through this ordeal.I'm not the only one in therapy .. i recently found out that my middle daughter is in therapy as well. As much as we are trying to understand each other as well as find each other again there are still areas in which we disagree. I too would be greatful to hear from anyone who can offer some positive advise ..from the once abused to the abused's family. | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:19:21 PM | Abuse - a very involved topic to say the least. There are so many perspectives not only for the victims, but for the abuser as well. I myself was a "victim" for much of my life.....Numerous "abusers". Forgiving is a spiritual concept that speaks to the very soul. Forgiving is necessary inorder to let go of all the negative and focus on the positive. Where to start? Where are you focusing the "blame"? Start there....
If it is with yourself, mantras work!! If you blame yourself for......... Then start with
a mantra: I forgive myself for ..............; For each thing you blame yourself or someone else for, find the opposite to re-enforce.
Example: " I forgive myself for believing I am of no value - I am amazing with valuable gifts of self for those I love" Repeat the mantra 10 times every morning. Repeat it to yourself frequently throughout the day.......You will find that even if you "don't believe" what you are saying when you start, within a few weeks your confidence will rise and you Will begin to believe......As one blame fades, replace the next "item" in its place in the mantra.......You will find, thru this simple exercise the start you need to heal and forgive.............
In love | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:22:32 PM | Ilynass... Bravo on your being in therapy and I am so relieved to hear that your daughter is also in therapy...
As you know from our previous discussions, I believe that our loved ones and friends become "victims" of the offender vicariously. They also suffer, have difficulty understanding (particularly since many of us protect them from knowing how bad things really are or what the abuser is threatening to do to THEM if we leave) and feel terribly helpless. This is no different from how the actual targeted victim feels, is it Hon? I am making a strong point to you with this...
Because your loved ones and friends are also victims, the depth of how they've felt will also be in direct proportion to how much pain, heartache and helplessness they've felt while having no choice at all about what course of action we chose to follow. Many families never think to have anyone affected by violence go into therapy but I think it is just awesome if your daughter is also finding new mental weapons to cope with her feelings...
It's okay to disagree... It's okay for her not to understand some things... It's okay for you to feel that there are some things you can't even explain yourself... But the future and how you each choose to carve it is now there and waiting for both of you to go on in a way that you couldn't before...
When you've both worked through all the feelings and misunderstandings, you will actually be able to lay this horrible time to rest but it's a process Ilynass... There are no "quick fixes" (as much as we wish with all our hearts that there were)...
Hang in there and be strong... A whole new way of life.. one that includes both of you and allows you to go on with self-respect and strength is waiting for you... It's worth the work my friend... | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:28:07 PM | One of the most powerful things I did was go to Louise Hay's work. She is a gorgeous lady in her 80s who was severely abused and tortured in childhood, and had a very difficult life as a result. But she took her destiny in her own hands and worked really hard to heal. As a result she is now shining a spotlight on the way out for those of us with abuse issues. She has a book called "You Can Heal Your Life" and a CD called "Anger Releasing." She's also created a powerful publishing company called Hay House which has a free internet radio station at www.hayhouseradio.com.
Her Anger Releasing audio takes you on a meditative journey of healing and forgiveness of your abusers. Don't get me wrong; she allows you to rage at them and even symbolically exact revenge before the forgiveness process begins. But folks, you MUST face the fact of your history head on before you can ever change it for good. Louise Hay offers affirmations that are really powerful and also help with physical ailments often brought on by adrenal gland failure because of the constant stream of the hormone cortisol that is released as we're perpetually in a fight-or-flight situation at the hands of our abusers and the situations we choose.
Reading and working with Melody Beatty's work on Codependency is really powerful. Abuse and staying with abusers is another form of addiction, and we need to gradually learn to empower ourselves to live our own lives, not be so attached to the problems that others have and create in our lives (ditch the drama, as Mary J. Blige says). But this takes lots of work, and meetings of Codependents Anonymous can help (look up on Google for your area, also known as CODA).
I also just read an amazing book by Joe Vitale (he was one of the people interviewed in the movie "The Secret") called Zero Limits. It focuses on teaching you a healing prayer from ancient Hawaiian culture. It's a simple cleansing prayer..."I love you; I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you." It sounds crazy, but it's like a spiritual offering and focusing on the divine and the divine in you, which you transgressed by adopting the stories and patterns offered you when you were a child and which you internalized and believed. This prayer focuses your consciousness and has resulted in incredible miracles. It has elements of simple things that all lead to redemption: Love, contrition, forgiveness and gratitude.
That's the wisdom I can share right now. And I want to give love and blessings to all out there that are on the journey toward a life of real love, healthy love. --- Joyful2 | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:44:27 PM | If everybody shared some enlightning messages to those who are looking... imagine the leaps and bounds the person in the mirror may see... and perhaps even share.
The forgiving of ones' self does not recquire understanding of the ignorant abuser, rather our own ignorances. The wisdom of another helps us see what we are in denial of.
Remember there are literary writings going back thousands of years, pointing to better ways. Find one you agree with. Then work at their principles. It is a life long journey, maybe longer.
Shine a light
On yourself
And those around you.
Ur Xoxo. | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 9/5/2008 11:22:19 PM |
Kill the snake of doubt in your soul,
Crush the worms of fear in your heart,
And mountains will move out of your way.
~Kate Seredy
I wish that I may
One day,
Move mountains.
But for today
I toil,
the soul.
To Joyful2,
Ur Xoxo.
 | |
|
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 9/6/2008 1:21:48 AM | Joyful... thank you for recommending some empowering reading for people who are still following this thread...
When I first started into the process of healing, I read all of the "what is the matter with me?" books I could lay my hands on... I attended groups... CODA, Breaking the Silence, Relationship, Healing the Inner Child... I engaged in meditation, creative visualization... anything to find a peaceful place to hopefully meet up with and deal with the person I'd started out to be... I could recite at least 100 affirmations by heart... And I did personal one to one therapy... I used healing stones, colored baths, angel cards... Well, you might say I was completely determined to change what I saw as being my fate caused by my own habits...
Imagine my surprise then, when despite my willingness to grab hold of every healing device known to man, I STILL seemed to attract those who seemed to be in need of excessive compassion... I had the "mental survival weapons" in place but I have to admit, there was a part of me that resented that "co-dependent" sticker that was used to label "wives" of my generation. Not only were we raised to care about others and to provide nurturance but many of us had already done that dance for years and made many valuable sacrifices in the name of "love" when all of a sudden, in the 80's, the psycho-powers started telling us that we were "disordered"... I continue to take exception to the term "co-dependency" because I have also been around long enough to see what is happening to the world without that nurturance and me-centredness that now dominates the psych scene.
While I think there is enormous value in reading books such as Melody Beattie has written, I think it's all too easy for a "victim" to interpret books on topics like codependency as validating what an abusive partner is saying about them and so, I would urge caution in some of these things when a person is still trying to extricate themselves from an abusive situation.
When a person is still "stuck", they need to focus on how to get unstuck... I think positive self-affirmations can be tremendously helpful, counseling is a must-have and being able to feel proud of one's ability to love (yes, even the wounded...) is an important piece of feeling strong enough to finally begin to effect some of the necessary changes.
Thank you for sharing these valuable healing tools with us...
UR XOXO... As always, your contributions are very thought-provoking... Thank you! | |
|
|
| Page 16 of 14
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 |
|
Home
login 
