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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:05:20 AM |
They say you know you have truly forgiven when the memories no longer bring pain, anger or shame
...then i suggest "they" are saints, having little connection with what it means to be human. Our memories are far more about our feelings than about events. I don't think we can separate feelings from memories, any more than we could separate color from sunsets - they are simply too tightly woven together. All we can do is end up feeling guilty when we fail to scrub the feelings out of those memories.
I suggest that anger, blame, humiliation are all perfectly normal feeling responses to abuse, and in fact can be useful motivators to making necessary changes. These feelings only become a problem if they persist after the need for them has passed, if one gets stuck on them, if they take up so much of a person's thoughts and feelings that they interfere with life.
Surely a healthier response, after removing oneself from the abuse, is to replace those feelings and memories with the hopes, plans and experiences of a life being lived fully and joyously. Too often the idea of "forgiveness" is equated with some kind of saintly absolving of the abuser and their abuse, which easily turns into trying to sell oneself on the idea that it wasn't really all that bad, which is simply enabling more abuse, this time internally.
So instead of an internal dialog that sounds like "Ohhh, what happened was awful, it still makes me sick to think of it, i have to work harder at forgiving!" - perhaps this would be a more useful process: "Thank God i had the strength to remove myself from that - now, what shall i do to live well, from here forward?"
The Deuce of Joy has a way of trumping the Ace of Misery, especially when you've dealt the next hand to yourself :-)
Cheers - Grant | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:15:21 AM | wow miashakti, i had tears in my eyes reading that. that must have taken some guts
and so much strengh.
and you are so right in saying forgiveness will create a better future, and a better world as a whole....
to me vorgiving an abuser is just so un-logic.
but maybe it is better to step back, and look at the bigger picture.
not to react out of anger.
it has been 5 years now, since my abuser and me went seperate ways, and i would be intrested to know from others, how long it took them to heal after they "got away",
or at what point they are.
i suppose you cant really set yourself time-limits, as everyone is diffrent.
Does England not have a maintenance enforcement program of any kind NuttyKitten? We have one here in Canada and it takes having to "beg for money" right out of the game.
yes we have, and years ago i havent been to a laywer, but to an advice-beuro, to see what i can do, and they told me that because he dosnt work, there is not much that can be done, as i believe the maintenance enforcement take money straight out of his wages.
but anyways, i have a good job now, i work fulltime nights, and my kids and pets dont go without.
im proud of myself that i can do it alone, so i dont see the need in dragging all that up again, and i just think to myself, well he has to live with his concience. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:15:26 AM | 1missblueeyes said:
I'm very proud of myself for holding him accountable for his bad behaviours and it sent him the message that I will not tolerate his crap
Good for you! Even more important than the message you sent him, seems to me is the message you sent yourself.
Live long, and prosper :-)
Grant | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:50:21 AM |
Quote: I will never forgive, I will never forget, but I accept it for what it was. I accept that it happened and I've moved on.
Apiring Angel...How does this feel in your body?
Can an Aspring Angel really fly, carrying this load around?
With all due respect miashakti, you do not know me, nor undertand how far I've come or what weight I carry (if any). While I understand your sentiment, and value what you are trying to say, I do not agree with you asserting that I have any lingering resentment or issue.
We all have a different path to our own wisdom and yours is for you alone; as is mine. How dare you judge me or take issue with either. You were not there and have no idea of what I speak, nor if you would personally absolve my abuser, had you been in my shoes. Truthfully, I'm glad it wasn't you.
I read where you told the story about the man who forgave his son's killer. Please tell me what that has to do with this topic? The topic is abuse, not forgiveness of a child's murderer.
Your words are quite eloquent but leave an empty space and come across as preaching, although perhaps you do not wish it to be so. Please, leave the judgment to those more qualified, since I doubt you'll be there when my time comes. Just as I'll leave my abuser to be judged similarly.
namaste ~ | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 4:32:06 AM | miashakti....nice story...My son was also killed and I also forgave because I didnt want to dishonor my son by carrying the bitterness, but what does that have to do with this topic. Start a thread on that and I will add my story to it.......in the meantime this is about forgiving oneself after abuse in order to heal the pain of the past and move on from that.......
PEACE | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:49:21 AM | OP, I think there is a lot more to it than forgiving for actions that occurred within a relationship. I really think that a lot of people who find themselves in the same kind of relationships gravitate toward them subconsciously because it is all they know. It becomes a perpetual cycle. I do think the way to move on from such relationships is to realize that there is an issue. And that it needs to be addressed. Once realized you can then begin to take steps to resolve. For instance. When I found myself in relationships that weren't working for me I would identify all the relationships I'd been in for a prior series of years. And try to determine commonalities.
Aside from one factor being yourself. There are other behavioral traits that the girlfriends or boyfriends from prior relationships share that should be identified. Once identified. I discontinued being in dating relationships for a few years until I was able to determine what things were important in a relationship and how they fit into things that worked with me in terms of partnership. Then I utilized the prior experiences as an asset without becoming obsessed with the experience where the experience owns you rather then you owning the experience. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 2:31:31 PM | Yanno Silken, I very rarely come into this particular forum, but something made me peek in today. As soon as I saw the subline, I understood why. Weird, all the same....I hope this'll help somehow.
I didn't wanna forgive myself. I wanted to beat myself up over and over til there was nothing left. I didn't wanna be the person I was, I wanted her gone. So, I went for 30 plus years trying to destroy her. Most of her is gone, and that's a very good thing.
I didn't wanna forgive him. Interestingly, I didn't want to punish him like I did myself...just didn't. It would've saved me, but it would've destroyed everyone else.
He was one sick fukker.
No, wait. I just spent a great deal of time typing out how I finally got around to doing what needed to be done...but then it hit me. How I got there doesn't really matter. What matters is that I did. It didn't happen til I was sick to death of living inside what he did, and losing 30 plus years to it. The realization that, at 40, my entire life had been misery and destruction and there was absolutely nothing good about it--other than the 2 babies God blessed me with for no good reason--I could not live inside it another day...just couldn't do it! I was sick to death of it and sick to death of me and I'd completely destroyed myself.
I had to lay it down and be done with it. It's tainted my soul for good and that's just that...it's a part of me just like my eyes are. But I'm free now.
I had to choose to live and I had to choose me. Otherwise, in my mind, I'd be taking this gift of life God gave me and returning it to him stamped "sorry...not good enough!"
One life. Just one...that's all we get. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:43:06 PM |
I suggest that anger, blame, humiliation are all perfectly normal feeling responses to abuse, and in fact can be useful motivators to making necessary changes.
No doubt about it! There's a wide spectrum of feelings that constitute responses to abuse... shame, fear, resentment, disappointment, loneliness and isolation, hostility, rage... I can agree that these feelings "can" be motivators but more often than not, they are so big and oppressive that they have exactly the opposite effect in many who have experienced abuse so what then? What if a person can't mentally manage the weeds that have overgrown the garden to the point that killing the weeds doesn't also kill the flowers???
These feelings only become a problem if they persist after the need for them has passed, if one gets stuck on them, if they take up so much of a person's thoughts and feelings that they interfere with life.
It can be one or any combination of any of the feelings we've mentioned that can result in a person being stuck. I've rarely known anyone who has been abused who has come out of the non-relationship and immediately started to appreciate upside of the experience of "motivation" they've been given. There's a huge "process in between coming out of the experience and getting to the point of being motivated by what has happened.
Surely a healthier response, after removing oneself from the abuse, is to replace those feelings and memories with the hopes, plans and experiences of a life being lived fully and joyously.
While I love the suggestion you're making, I feel fairly safe to say that this is the place you can perhaps arrive at after you've gone through the healing process but it's that process that I am trying to have my fellow forumites shine some light on.
I will also say that the cruelty doesn't stop just because the abused has left the abuser. If the financial partnership was fouled by the abuse (and it usually is), the effect was to leave the victim in poverty and often in deep financial trouble on every level. When someone "disappears" from an abusers life, he or she often left with the clothes on their backs. They find themselves in goodwill stores wondering what they can buy with their pennies. They live with none of the furniture or housewares that they need. Sometimes, they have to surrender the family pet. Much of the time their credit has been destroyed. Every day in that critical period of time following their disappearance is but a cruel reminder of what they went through. There is loneliness because the abused has generally been cut off or forced themselves to cut off from their friends and families to keep them from being harmed. The abused person is often exhausted and incapable of carrying a responsible position so they end up on social assistance or working at an entry level position which causes further hardship. If there are children involved, the abused is so busy trying to deal with their needs and their emotional upset that the abused doesn't have a lot of opportunity to even try to iron through the feelings. While the feelings of anger and pain can be motivating, the obstacles presented to someone trying to rebuild their lives out of the ashes leave little room for a person to be able to appreciate the "hope of a more fulfilling and happier life".
So instead of an internal dialog that sounds like "Ohhh, what happened was awful, it still makes me sick to think of it, i have to work harder at forgiving!" - perhaps this would be a more useful process: "Thank God i had the strength to remove myself from that - now, what shall i do to live well, from here forward?"
I say again, it's just not that easy... As much as we wish it were.. when every day is a fight to survive that nobody in their right mind would will on themselves... when every day is about fighting off hunger, being told that the limited resources available are overcrowded or overtaxed... when every day the abused wakes up and realizes that he or she doesn't have the necessaries of life, it's really almost impossible to make the leap into a happier tomorrow.
While I appreciate the underlying message of the power of positive thinking, I think that this is more toward the end of one's healing rather than at the beginning. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:23:11 PM |
The word "forgiveness" can be just as benign and meaningless as the phrase "you need to love yourself first". They say you know you have truly forgiven when the memories no longer bring pain, anger or shame. But the question becomes... how many of us actually know how to go about forgiving ourselves? If we need to forgive ourselves in order to actually become strong enough to never allow it to happen again, do we even know how?
If you have ever gone through the process of forgiveness, of yourself or someone else, I'd love to hear people's thoughts on how to go about it, where to begin and what worked for you to forgive yourself or others? What works (or worked) for you?
~OP~ Well, this is a take on violence that I have not considered. I personally have a view on my life that others find troubling at times. I am what others call a "survivor" but I HATE that term. I was his victim ONCE. After that, I was a participant. There is a huge difference in that mindset and the mindset of a "victim." Although I certainly didn't ask for the beatings I took, I took them nonetheless. Hence: participant. Not a willing one, but I allowed the transition from verbal abuse to run the gamet to full-blown brutality. In the end, once I left with our 12 day old child, there was nothing to forgive. I left, reclaimed my life, raised my son and didn't look back. There were times he crossed my mind. There were times I felt the sting of PTSD ~ but not one time did I place my sanity/well-being/mental health back in his hands. In my mind, that would have been paying him a tribute. He didn't deserve that much of my energy. There was no rage in me. No anger even. Why? More like why bother??? He has to live with the regret, I don't.
The way to forgiveness or even healing is different for all people. For me, it's quite simple ~ don't beat a dead horse. Move forward with a positive outlook. Do something nice for yourself everyday. Don't sit and wonder "Why, when, what if." Get counseling. Stay away from man-haters and remember that you aren't alone, but it's not necessary to dwell. Good luck to you. JMO  | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:28:36 PM | OP, I think there is a lot more to it than forgiving for actions that occurred within a relationship. I really think that a lot of people who find themselves in the same kind of relationships gravitate toward them subconsciously because it is all they know. It becomes a perpetual cycle. I do think the way to move on from such relationships is to realize that there is an issue. And that it needs to be addressed.
I agree with you that "there is a lot more to it than forgiving for actions that occurred within a relationship" but I don't know if I agree that they gravitate to these kind of relationships "because it is all they know". That's pretty darn close to agreeing with the early psychologists who believed that victims of abuse were masochists who enjoyed pain. There are 1000's of circumstances that can go into a relationship that ends in one partner abusing the other and in many cases, the abuser "gravitated" toward their target. The target's biggest mistake was being in the wrong place at the wrong time and perhaps still recovering from an event that left them vulnerable to a predator. Divorce can make people temporarily vulnerable. In my case, I'd had a really bad year with one loss after another in my life. Among those losses was my father's passing. Before I'd even fully grasped that he was gone, someone came into my life and realizing my normal radar was down, began to play on my compassionate nature. My "issue" was the fact that I was still grieving but it didn't mean that I gravitated to abusive men.
I do agree with you that people who have some longstanding wounds in their spirit will try to re-write history by remaining with a twisted person and seeing if they can somehow change the outcome but that doesn't really touch on the process of forgiveness that I am trying to tackle here. I am so glad that you were able to find your own contributions to a pattern that was making you unhappy and I salute your ability to carve a better pathway for yourself.
I didn't wanna forgive myself. I wanted to beat myself up over and over til there was nothing left.
Boy.. do I HEAR you on that one Funny Girl!!! Trust me.. I dooo!
How I got there doesn't really matter.
It doesn't matter how you got there because you're there... But curious minds who aren't there need to know how to get there my friend...
The realization that, at 40, my entire life had been misery and destruction and there was absolutely nothing good about it--other than the 2 babies God blessed me with for no good reason--I could not live inside it another day...just couldn't do it! I was sick to death of it and sick to death of me and I'd completely destroyed myself.
Can I ask you if this realization was a "moment" in your life? A couple of days? Did it suddenly hit you or did it creep up on you like a slow dawning that seemed to take forever?
It sounds like you "came home" to realize somebody had wrecked your house and instead of moaning that somebody wrecked it, you finally decided to rebuild it but I dunno... Is it as quick as just slamming the door on a way of life or a school of thought?
I had to choose to live and I had to choose me. Otherwise, in my mind, I'd be taking this gift of life God gave me and returning it to him stamped "sorry...not good enough!"
I like this.. very much. It's simple, powerful and well.. it left tears in my eyes... But good ones... Thank you for sharing it with us FunnyGirl. 
I wish with all my heart that I could respond to each and every post because they are all bringing to light, the power of choice and decision that lies at the end of the lonely road each survivor must walk to get back to themselves and come to peace with their own participation in the destruction of their lives.... on whatever level that might be.
When I finally left the man that had been turning my life upside down for 6 years to walk whatever journey God intends for him, I found that the only way I could do it was to stand up, grab my dog and my keys and just walk away... Had I stopped to feel the feelings, think about what would become of him or worry about whether or not I'd shut off the lights, I would not be free now. I've struggled to forgive not him, but myself for the compassion and humanity I was trying to prove to him was in the world. I've been angry with myself for having the ability to see the best in others and for being able to love through some tough times... But at the end of the day, I remember that I used to think those were pretty special qualities in me and I am willing to fight like hell to put them back up where I can at least, be proud to say, I am human.
Thank you to all for your thoughts and the special pieces of your own journeys that sometimes cut through the fog in a way that nothing else can. I hope to continue to read any suggestions that can help not only me but the many people who desperately crave the blessed relief that only forgiveness can offer. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:59:15 PM | i'll share some thoughts as the fost/adopt mom of post trauma teens, the adult child of an eccentric alcoholic father who did occasionally "whack" my mother. she,in turn, would lean towards his blows obligingly, while seated in her rocking chair, as he lunged towards her for the second shot at her face. note: her mom died at an early age and her father was her guru. so this was all very new to her. his mom abused and neglected him and when the alcohol wore off and he realized what he did, he would sob and shake, while "she" comforted "him".
first of all, if a person is "post traumatic" as are my kids, the reliving of the memories come unexpectedly and permeate all aspects of their being. it is as if the tapes of the memories are always running on auto pilot. so, i have explained to them, that to "forgive" means to ACTIVELY and consistently and continually LET GO. using twelve step, simple concepts, i tell them you cannnot give it away, until you own it. thus, each one proceeds at his/her own pace, with various stages of denial, anger and the latter often pointed at ME. i was not there at the time, but was told by therapists that they will express this anger at a person with whom they feel safe. in turn, over time, i have to draw boundaries. this is the second lesson for them. to face the pain, but not pass it on. i have told them to write it down, tear it up. if necessary, the next day--write it down again. tear it up again. that way it does not fester, but it is not stuffed either.
i have never experienced shame personally. but, if anything, i guess being a brookyn jewish woman, i was raised with jewish guilt! however, i know enough from good 12 step al anon and aa/ na friends, that being open about the situation and exposing my kids to others who have experienced the same--at various stages of their lives, including those who still struggle and those who are very successful---makes it very clear to them, that they are not odd, not weak, not different and although once victimized, that this need not be perpetual. as important, that they can prevent this from happening to others and as important, that they have learned to do the same to others, so they need to heed their own actions and decisons as well.
all of this, i have learned and absorbed from twelve step people who are successful. they say to "stick with the winners".
for me, forgiveness has to be more for my mom, than for my dad. i looked to her and she did not protect me. yet, that in and of itself made me a very strong young woman and a child advocate as i grew older. in exploring my journey to forgive her, i explored her life way after her death. she did what she could and probably more.
in her day, there were no battered women or men's shelters--yes men's, because they too are battered. just not the same men who battered you. my kids' birth dad was certifiably schizophrenic. their birth mom, was third world and thought she married a scholar. he abused them, thinking he was saving them from "evil". i tell them to hate the disease and not the person.
i know few people who abuse, who were not abused themselves. but that is not sufficient to comfort them and perpetuate the cycle. it is the reason to let them go, once we wrap our brains around the fact that every person has a "good side". but that does not mean that the bad side will go away.
my mom did not do my dad any favors, except to allow him to perpetuate a behavior that could have been channeled elsewhere. when he was not drunk, he would give anyone the shirt off his back.
so, i do forgive them both. i let them both go, in terms of what they did. had i not been able to escape them to the point of toxicity, i would have eventually taken them both "on" and way more fully. i got to tell off my dad and he was quite in shock. just wish i could have done it earlier and when i was younger.
may they both rest in peace now. neither deserved the cards they were dealt. but in each situation, there is a lesson to be learned and a mission to take on, on behalf of others. i do not say what they did was right. i say i moved on and did my best to make the best of what i learned. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:41:19 AM | Well shoot!
It doesn't matter how you got there because you're there... But curious minds who aren't there need to know how to get there my friend...
Well, aren't you the lil taskmaster? Within the lil bit I said, the answer was there...but okey dokey, I'll try to give it a go in another way. But I really do think that all our situations are unique to us; if the exact same event happened to 10 of us, we'd each process it 10 different ways. That's why I said that all that really matters is that I did finally process it and "get there".
But, I do find merit in the off chance that perhaps the words might offer inspiration, insight or support, so...I'll start here:
It sounds like you "came home" to realize somebody had wrecked your house and instead of moaning that somebody wrecked it, you finally decided to rebuild it but I dunno... Is it as quick as just slamming the door on a way of life or a school of thought?
Yep. Just like that...slamming that door and then burnin' down the house.
BTW, the "someone that wrecked it" was me, and it took me from 10 to 40-ish to finally see the truth. So no, I didn't get there in a timely matter and not before I'd fukked it from the floor up, but once I finally saw MY fire burning everyone else, too...I had to grab the water hose. It wasn't about "just me" anymore, and that's what it took for me. It was super cool and handy for me to hurt myself, but I could not handle it hurting the folks I love.
But, in order to stop hurting them, I had to stop hurting FG, and that seemed a lot like saving yourself from drowning when you don't know how to swim.
Looking back, I think I really only had 2 things that served me well, both became a part of me as a result of the incest. I became super sensitive to my surroundings and always on "alert", kinda like a lil sponge soaking up everything, even stuff I couldn't process. Later in life, once I was finally ready, I drew on stuff I'd picked up along the way, and often wondered where on earth that lil tidbit came from? It was very weird!
The other thing was the rage that I had to keep bottled. In keeping it bottled, I was taking control of something. When you've been raped, your control has been taken so it becomes tremendously important to grab it back, even if only a tiny speck. My rage started out as something that gave me something to be be in charge of..."keep it in, keep it in", but in time, I think it became my lil light that couldn't be snuffed out and kept me hanging on.
So, I had these 2 things and nothing else. I had no help cause it was all a big secret that I had to keep else it would destroy lots of lives. So, how was I to fix it all by myself when I had no coping skills, no support, no insight? As it turns out, I did have a lil insight...all that stuff I'd soaked up along the way. :)
I wasn't aware of it and I didn't realize the full impact of it then, but all through my life, I instinctively took steps that would eventually help me to help myself. ('Course, for every one of those good steps I took, I took twice as many bad steps cause I hated myself and needed to be punished for being so bad that he could do all that to me. It often felt like I was perched atop a seesaw, high in the air...balancing positive and negative, in a child like way--cause, well...I was still a child inside. Even at 40.)
An example...At 28, (18 years after it all began) right after giving birth to my first child, I found myself working at a residential treatment center for emotionally and sexually abused children...me! How'd that happen? (It happened because I placed myself there, in a desperate cry for help. )
I kinda knew what I was doing, and in fact, when my Dad told me about the job and suggested I apply, I had zero interest cause I didn't wanna stop running, I was still terrified of it catching me, again. How I managed to walk into that place and sell my broken self enough to get the job is beyond me.
Fast forward...everything I absorbed there, even tho I wasn't ready for it, and everything I purposefully placed in my path throughout my life was spinning around inside me with a fury, and at the same time, there was lots of dusty stuff, too. I used the spinning stuff to help me face the dusty stuff, cause the dusty stuff was the beast. It was the devil, and the devil was him.
Sometimes, I'd actually play therapist with myself, (yanno, all that stuff I'd soaked up through my job, and all the things I'd heard and from other women) trying to imagine what questions they'd ask me, what leaps they'd make, (lol, OK, that's was my funny side kicking in, something that always served me well and would come out of nowhere!) and what they'd tell me I was gonna have to do. See, that was the real fear...what was I gonna have to do?
I didn't wanna do squat! I didn't think I should have to do anything cause I'm not the one that did the bad things. Because I felt like that, step 1 was to stop indulging myself with that particular reaction cause the only way it'd ever served me was to keep me spinning in my anger and avoidance.
Step 2 was to just shoot on ahead to the bottom line, cause that's just me...that's what I do. Heck, I'd been sorting through it over 30 years, it was time to stare this puppy down.
I did what I'd learned to do years ago when I was dealing with untreated OCD...I walked myself through the worst of the worst "what if's?" Example: "OK, so if I don't run all through the house and unplug everything--to prevent the electrical fire that might result from bad wiring--and my house burns down...what will happen?"
That's what I needed to know. What would happen if I didn't heal? What would happen if I did?
In one case, I'd end up dead, in the other, I'd live. In both, I'd no longer be in limbo.
1. Forgiving him was easy cause I never really held it against him for all kinds of reasons. He was sick. He was family and I loved him. He was an adult.
2. But I was mad as hell at him and couldn't let go of it enough, or shall I say "go into it enough" to tell him so. I was a kid. By the time I was an adult, well...what would be the point? So he could say he was sorry? (Which he wasn't.) Pfffft!
a. He finally took a gun and blew his brains out, and I finally stood at my clothes dryer one day, and in a total surrendering...came undone. Bawling, rage, bawling, rage...until I was a heap on the floor.
3. Even tho I knew intellectually that I wasn't to blame, I couldn't accept it; it just didn't apply to "me". Why? Cause I was to blame for all the things I didn't do "right", from the get go. I didn't scream my head off that day, nor at any time during the next 20 years when he'd stand in my face and torture me to my soul, nor at any time for the rest of my life. I didn't save myself...I chose to pay the price so no one else would have to.
4. I was also mad as hell at my Dad. Why couldn't he see it on me? He sure could "see" when I was lying or being bad...why couldn't he see I'd died inside? What to do, what to do?
One answer only...allow myself the grace and humanity to be the broken fuk up I was, stop holding myself hostage--and everyone stupid enough to give a damn about me--and go back to that lil girl that was playing outside, pick her up and hold her. Tell her it's OK. Tell her you love her to pieces no matter what. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her you're proud of her...tell her she's amazingly strong. Tell her she survived. Tell her it's OK to start over, even if it takes a dozen times. Shake her! Tell her it's time to pick up that key, turn the lock, open the door, and get outside and play.
(And find all those people you were mean to and tell them what you need to tell them. Now!)
Sentence served. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:35:45 AM | Dear God, how I hate the feelings this subject rains down on me.... there are many more of us than most realize & for me the pain of being abused seems to remain just below the surface. It took getting angry to find the wherewithal to get myself out of those abusive situations - letting go of that anger wasn't easy but I also realized that to hold on to it meant that I was still being controlled to some degree. This anger was not directed solely toward my abuser(s) but toward myself as well - took years for me to let this anger go.
Unfortunately for me, the climax of my last abuser's actions coincided with some extreme health issues on my part (I prefer not to go into any details other than to say my entire life as I had known it was dissolved by this man). Despite the passing of 5 years or so I still have to deal with expotential aspects of the things he did & it is difficult to release anger when another "surprise" may be lurking around the corner so the best I can do is try... try... try again...
I hope that as we grow wiser, we do not put things in the heads of our children that might easily lead to such a situation - e.g. quote I heard frequently as a child "You made your bed, now sleep in it." Remember, it wasn't so long ago that we women were treated as "chattel" & laws actually are STILL on the books in many states pertaining to how men should legally "discipline" their wives.
I've not got any answers to offer... no suggestions to make... nothing else to say...
cata | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:33:45 PM | OP - i am inclined to agree with another poster as far as forgiving oneself as a victim of abuse. First of all, it's negativity and presuming that one behaved in a manner that justified or warranted the abuse and it's still blaming.
Forgiveness is more relevant to forgiving the abuser for the benefit of the victim's healing. The wounds cannot begin to heal until one can let go of the anger, the pain and the bitterness as staying fixated there is blaming. Blaming is avoiding taking responsibility for one's own choices, one's own feelings and reactions, one's own life, etc.
As far as the victim aspect, acceptance of one's own human self - the good aspects as well as the mistakes is one of many steps to break that cycle of abuse (which isn't always limited to one partner experience). Acceptance that the only person whose behavior we can control is our own. Acceptance that the only person's feelings we control are our own. And so on...
The more negative messages we feed ourselves, the more we are propagating the very abuse we experienced upon ourselves at the "hands" of another. The more we propagate that abuse upon ourselves, the more inclined we are to project it out on others.
There's nothing wrong with being imperfectly human. There's nothing wrong with crying. There's nothing wrong with being angry, etc. It's all in how these human traits and more are exhibited, either internally or externally AND if the results are destructive or constructive to oneself or towards anyone else.
JMHO | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:15:21 PM | Well sometimes its beyond our control too- I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years with my first fiancee. He was a control freak like you would not believe. Then when I caught him cheating on me with another woman from san francisco, instead of admitting that he got caught - he wanted to keep both of us & yet I didn't put up with it anymore seeing he has lied and cheated before over and over with his ex wife so I was done with that. then comes the 2nd fiancee who wants control of everything even his own kids cant stand being around him.
Then 3rd fiancee wanted his way or the highway....
So i have that rule "3 strikes youre out" well 3 fiancees with the same streak is the main reason why I am reluctant to get married for awhile. Maybe a long term relationship or common law relationship but not till I am absolutely sure HE IS THE ONE & THAT HE WOULDN'T HURT ME OVER & OVER..... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:37:18 PM |
So i have that rule "3 strikes youre out"
I smiled when I saw this. I raised my daughters on that very principle. If there was a second time, it was to give the benefit of the doubt that perhaps either didn't "get it" the first time. If either didn't "get it" the second time, it was their choice so the 3rd time was "consequences".  | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:56:51 PM | I see that people are assuming the type of abuse that went on??
As there are so many different types of abuse, I believe that there is a different answer for each one.
Domestic Abuse, Abuse of Older Adults, Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships, Dating, Violence and Youth Abuse, Financial Abuse, Neglect, Persons with Disabilities, Physical Abuse, Psychological / Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse.
My thinking is that regardless of the type of abuse that a person has gone through, he/she doesn't have anything to forgive themself for. When the abuse started, I am sure that the abused neither asked for it, nor willingly participated in it.
If the abuser wants forgiveness, or is trying to forgive him/herself, that is a whole other can of worms. Honestly, there are things that can be forgiven; and there are things that should not be forgiven, or forgotten.
JMO | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:10:31 PM | I don't see that anyone is diminishing the fact that there are many forms of abuse and many types of relationships that abuse occurs in. One never forgets the abuse. However, if the "victim" ever wants a full life, it behooves the victim to forgive the abuser even of the unforgivable. Otherwise, one is eaten away with bitterness, anger, distrust, blame and so on. The irony is that as long as one is holding on to those feelings, they're still spending too much time looking in the rear view mirror and not enough time looking at what's right in front of them. Do that on the highway in a vehicle, inevitable one will crash. I'd rather enjoy life myself, rather than merely endure it.
JMO | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:14:38 PM | You can still have a full life, trust people, not be angry, or bitter; and NOT forgive your abuser. You can lay all the blame you want, and still be happy with yourself. It doesn't mean you will look to the past if you don't forgive your abuser, and it doesn't have to affect how you feel about yourself. Forgiveness is supposed to be letting go of anger/hurt. If you aren't angry, does that mean that you HAVE forgiven? Is it only the weak that don't forgive, or is it strength that makes them carry on despite their abuse? Just what is wrong with despising the abuser, yet carrying on with a normal, healthy, fulfilling life? If the abused had the opportunity to 'get back at' her abuser, and she has "forgiven" him, does that mean that she would let the opportunity go by? If she jumped at the chance to have him convicted, jailed, exiled, whatever...does that mean then that she didn't forgive him in the first place??
This is ridiculous.. If you think you need to forgive yourself, you are taking part responsibility for the abuse.. in which case, you should seek counselling from a professional.
JMO | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:35:12 PM | Let's clarify the concept of forgiveness in the context I posted of:
Forgiveness is the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another for a perceived (or real) offense, difference or mistake.
If she jumped at the chance to have him convicted, jailed, exiled, whatever...does that mean then that she didn't forgive him in the first place??
Forgiveness does not in any manner mean don't hold the abuser accountable for his (or her) actions. However, to "get back" at the abuser out of bitterness, rage and such makes one no better than the abuser as the intent is revenge, not accountability.
Some victims in the aspect of their own self-preservation may have done something that they feel warrants forgiveness within themselves. That is a personal journey for those victims as every journey is personal for every victim and survivor of abuse. There may be similarities in journeys, but the only one qualified to judge any specific situation is the one who specifically experienced it. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:43:14 PM | great thing about age i s wisem does come , i;ve had the pleasue of traveling through my life and found changing is as easy as following your happyness. since you are free now i suggest you begin by doing things you like and withim its intricies you will find a new life.
don; t foreget to give love a chance , its the best . | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:59:49 PM | Some victims in the aspect of their own self-preservation may have done something that they feel warrants forgiveness within themselves. That is a personal journey for those victims as every journey is personal for every victim and survivor of abuse. There may be similarities in journeys, but the only one qualified to judge any specific situation is the one who specifically experienced it.
I could banter around on this subject all day and night and into early next week.. Abuse is VERY personal, each person takes it differently, however, the person it happens to, isn't qualified to judge if they blame themselves, and the best way to begin to "forgive" her/himself, is to seek some honest P2P therapy. Then they will be able to put the past behind them, see that they them-self is not to blame, and move forward on to a happy, carefree, and successful relationship.
Oh dear that looks redundant.. *shrug* whatever | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:50:01 PM | I can understand the cycle you speak of.
It is especially hard after the persons grip on you has yet to fade and your self esteem has fallen to it's lowest state.
It takes a few years to regain that confidence that was ground out of you and the fear of being in control of your life after having almost every aspect controled.
There are the conflicted feelings of hatred for the person that did it to you and the self disgust at allowing it to happen to you.
So in that sense you must forgive your self your and accept how easily it can be to fall into the trap of an abuser.
The lessons I learned was that it was allowing somone to capitalize on my insecurities that allowed that person to control and abuse me.
That lead to the realisation that the best medicine is just believing in your own self worth.
That is what any abuser truly fears.
The abuser is really just playing out there own insecurities against you. | |
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wayto
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Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 49 | |
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:16:57 AM | I view forgivness as writing off a bad debt. In doing so I am no longer bound to a situation where I can't win and the other is free to have a productive and happy life. This is not condoning their actions.
It is important to know that forgiveness is releasing yourself as well as releasing others from a painful experience. Learn and move on. I think we are supposed to learn from life events. We have to admit we are making a mistake staying with the bad relationship.
And in order to move on you need to self evaluate and see value in your life without this person in it. Sometimes that can be a hard thing to do.
I don't think self forgiveness has a place, I think one needs to find self love.
Good luck and take care. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:47:15 AM | That's pretty darn close to agreeing with the early psychologists who believed that victims of abuse were masochists who enjoyed pain.
I'd like to know which early psychologists you are referencing. Because modern experts in the field of developmental psychology are more likely than not to agree that abusive cycles in relationships have a lot to do with the individual. That to me doesn't imply that people ask to be abused nor deserve it. Rather that the process that a person decides to be with a partner may have more to do with how the individual processes information. | |
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