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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:27:15 PM | Thanks to all forum particpants for all the fabulous insights! This is digging into some near and dear issues, and most of these contributions have been positively reassuring!
Angelheart: Sorry, but where'd you get the idea anyone is looking for medical diagonosis on a POF forum? It's not in my post. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:54:07 PM |
victims of abuse often think the abuser was right and that they ARE hopeless and deserving of the mistreatment... With that conclusion in place, they return to the abuser, humbled by their own sense of defectiveness.
some victims do return to their abusive partner with the feeling of hopelessness and insecurities that were brought before them. if a person is naive enough they're going to believe what their s.o. is telling them then they're going to go back. not necessarily feeling guilt but feeling insecure as to being able to love another.
Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you have to accept any responsibility, it's just a way of leaving the bitterness behind in a move to a happier future, not for him, but for your own sake, because there is no real healing without it.
i agree with that statement. when forgiving someone by no means are you accepting anyone's responsibilities or faults or guilts, just leaving that part of your life go.
this is the second lesson for them. to face the pain, but not pass it on. i have told them to write it down, tear it up. if necessary, the next day--write it down again. tear it up again. that way it does not fester, but it is not stuffed either.
i've been told to write down on a piece of paper anger and frustrations i feel about someone then burn it with a white candle. it helps ridden the occupied space in my heart and soul of bad faults and with it being burned it allows room for forgiveness....burning the paper ridens the anger and frustrations of another.
ok silken, i've read through all 5 pages.....and above quoted are a few things that i had to voice my opinion on.
funny girl, wow, you've really been through hell. you're a very strong woman to continue on with your life. hugs to you 
now, silken...my life wasn't near as bad as most of these women in here, as a matter of fact people would think that my family was like the cleaver family on leave it to beaver. my father worked all of the time, mom stayed home raising us 4 kids. when something was broken by my brothers mom was always there to cover up for them. the only physical abuse i ever had was a whipping on my but a few times with a catty 9-tail or my father's leather belt. that happened the day i turned sweet 16. it was my mother's wrongful doing by forgetting to tell my father she allowed me to stay out until 9:30pm (i walked down the street at 9:15pm...early in my eyes, late in my father's eyes). i was mad, upset, and felt betrayed that my mom never said anything but within a few months (after staying at my aunt & uncle's house directly behind my house) i felt it in my heart to forgive not only my father but my mother. i was also date raped at the age of 16 and forgiven the guy (a boyfriend) from what he did. my older son was molested by his uncle at the age of 3 with proof of tampering of the penis but not of the rectum and i also forgave him for what he had done. my older son has no recollection of what happened, he blocked it out of his mind. plus as previously mentioned my stb 2nd ex husband with the mental abuse and my ex boyfriend of the physical abuse.
you see, people tend to do wrongful doings but there's also a deep dark reason for why they commit their actions. i find it in my heart to over-look a person's faults and forgive them. i don't like to keep bitter thoughts (even though right now at times i might seem bitter but that's another story). i still personally don't feel as if the victim (and survivor) needs to forgive themselves for someone else's guilt. i dunno, maybe someone should just whack me up beside my head with a book or something to wake me up.....but that's just the way i feel.
oh, and about the one post with regards to the man forgiving the guy that killed his son....i heard about something like that a few years ago. it was an honorable thing to do with allowing his son to rest peacefully. it was also honorable for the guy that committed the crime to be forgiven and to turn his life around. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:50:35 AM | Yoodle:
I don't know which of my posts you were referring to but perhaps this will help from one of your posts (first paragraph is a quote you referenced, last sentence quoted was your comment):
This lil nugget sure jumped up 'n bit me tonight. You're saying that one of the reasons people might be driven to return to their abusers is to not have to experience loss of faith in their own judgment? That would still denote a rather shaky hold on one's self-esteem to begin with, wouldn't it? If we return to affirm our belief in our own judgment by remaining hopeful that Round 10 will work out better than rounds 1 through 9 ...
This belongs on some psychology support site, not a dating site...
I think it was more the inference that I may have been referring to...sorry for any misunderstanding! | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:14:34 AM | miashakti posted, "What would you recommend if the 'abuser' is your son?"
Miashakti - first off, my stepson has already seen what happens when I catch someone abusing a woman. He was informed after the incident that the same thing would happen to Anyone I caught doing that. Lesson Learned. It's hard for a man to abuse anyone or anything when both his arms are broken at the elbow. It also gives a gal a great opportunity to go get HELP.
Now if you are saying that your son is an abuser, and you can't personally put a stop to it, JAIL HIS AZZ!! Spare the rod, spoil the child...to stand by and let one's child run amuck is half the reason we have so much crime these days. If one cannot bring themselves to punish bad behavior, they should at least have the intestinal fortitude to help someone else make the correction.
I honestly don't think I'd ever have to worry about my kid being an abuser. Especially after seeing how I treat them and the long talks me & his mom had with him afterwards. But he's a sweetheart kinda kid, he's already figured out that he can get anything he wants from women just by being snuggly...I'm more afraid I'll have to put him in a chastity belt in a couple of years than anything else. 
just FYI, "Maiming" is a misdemeanor in Florida...but you won't find many juries that will find a guy guilty of it when they're applying it to someone who just did non-life-threatening damage to a long-time recorded spousal abuser. Most prosecuters offer the lower misdemeanor charge "Affray" and 6 months probation in these kinda cases. Clears the case and keeps everyone except the abusers happy! | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:18:57 AM | After surviving an abusive situation or relationship, your power over yourself and your own life is diminished, if not completely, in the hands of the abuser. How do we reassert our power over ourselves and our own lives again; to take that power back, that we handed someone else? Whether it was taken or given, that abuser had power over us as adults, and forgiveness is one of the parts of taking it back into our own hands.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing. The most important person we can ever forgive is ourselves, and by doing so, letting it go and accepting it, you are allowing yourself to at least begin to move forward. And, at least for some, owning your actions can be an important part of moving forward, and rebuilding our self and our lives. It does not mean that we shoulder any of the actions of the abuser onto ourselves, but to forgive ourselves, and to own our lives again, what better way to take back your self and power? | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:07:21 AM | Thank you, Mia, and your posts have been very insightful and inspiring. to you.
This thread has been so thought provoking and insightful; thanks to Silkenfire for this thread and developing this, and thanks to all the posters here, who all courageously shared their experiences and views on this sensitive subject for all of us. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:13:44 AM | | Please can you explain to me what we have to forgive ourselves for? We havn't done anything wrong, I am confused. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:40:34 AM | llynass I say your right you did nothing wrong. What you have to forgive i guess would be that you waited a long time to leave. When He raised his hand the first time Should have been the last. It never was your fault i still say they have to sleep some time. and that cast iron pan has his name on it. But thats makes it wrong you should'nt sink to his level BULL SH!T. Give him what he NEEDS He won't do it again btu you need to leave anyway I know that pan thing is going to catch hell but Thats what I say | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:56:41 AM | | I have been verbaly and physically abused. I was a college graduate and had never been abused by anyone till him. She saying, you feel stupid for allowing someone to make you feel bad about yourself and even hit you. It's imbarrising and shameful that you a smart confident person all of the sudden allows that much control over your life and you let it happen. You get angry at yourself for not taking care of yourself. "How could I be sooo stupid" Thats when forgivness comes in. Forgive yourself for giving up soo much to a horrible miserable person like that. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 11:12:54 AM | First of all may I say "thank you" to all who have shared their thoughts and experiences. I have experienced chills and tears as I have read the posts....some have touched me deeply. I feel as though I'm walking on hallowed ground somehow....ground soaked with tears and pain, but ground where people have struggled to their feet and moved on...some more forcefully than others, but all trying to move ahead.
In response to your question llynass and others who have asked this:
Please can you explain to me what we have to forgive ourselves for? We havn't done anything wrong, I am confused
It will depend upon the survivor. I find a great need to forgive myself for my life experiences and the roles that I PERCEIVE I played in my abuse. Not everyone will have such a slant to their thinking, but I do. In addition to physical and emotional abuse, my father started sexually abusing me at the age of 3....it was all I ever knew as I grew up. He told me from the beginning that "all daddies did this". As I became old enough to understand that all daddies DIDN'T do this, he told me if I told he would go to prison and we would have no place to live, my brothers, sister and I would starve, etc. (Not that the no-good **stard provided even food on the table at times.) When I was old enough to realize we would be better off if he WAS thrown in prison, he told me if I told, that I too would go to jail or a reform school as a delinquent because I had ALLOWED it to go on for so long without saying anything.
When I was in my teens my mother would get ticked at him for groping her at night and she would come and say that she was going to sleep in my bed and sent me in to sleep with him.
I finally got the courage to tell my mother when I was 16, and she called me a liar. I left home that day and went to live with an aunt and uncle who were my saviors.
I have felt immense shame at not having told someone sooner. I found out years later that he was also abusing my younger sister. After I told my mother, my father stopped abusing her. I felt shame and guilt for not having “saved my sister” from the sexual abuse by telling sooner.
I have felt shame that I married a man and struggled in an unhappy marriage for 30 years who emotionally abused me. I divorced him and married an alcoholic who was abusive emotionally.
I have looked back for years upon my life with hatred that I didn’t “do better”, that I didn’t make wiser choices. As solarpanel points out, we frequently go back. My pattern in my life has been to leave repeatedly and come back, thinking that if I love them more, love them better, they will treat me appropriately. I had a counselor years ago that told me sometimes the fear of the unknown is scarier than the abuse. We know we’re surviving the abuse, but don’t know if we’ll survive the unknown we will face if we leave.
So, yes, I’m one of the ones that struggles to forgive myself. I am finally understanding what an amazing woman I am. …but as many abuse victims are, I’m a perfectionist and feel I should have been better at saving myself….at saving my sister….at saving my children from the impact of seeing their parents fighting constantly and having a critical and sometimes cruel father. I find myself, when dating a “good man”, being scared to death. It’s foreign to me….I don’t know how to act and react…I tell myself I’m unworthy.
I have found help from support groups and books, and now this beautiful thread. I am trying to get to “forgiven” by realizing that if I met a person exactly like me, with all my life experiences, I would think she’s one damned amazing woman. My family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances all think that about me….I just don’t feel it within my heart….but baby, I’m working on it!
Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories and experiences….you have lifted me up and supported me in my journey to forgiving myself. You are truly amazing people!
Rose Mary | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/19/2008 12:05:29 PM | Having been touched by your message on partnership abuse I felt I had to reply to you at once. I lived through many years of my life with one abusive husband/partner after another, and as each relationship drew to its inevitable conclusion, I would ask myself over & over why it had happened again? What was it about ME that drove these men to treat me the way they did?
Finally, about 3 years ago I made a conscious decision to change the path of my life. I suddenly realised that it was not me but my partners who were dysfunctional, and they treated me badly because I had allowed them to do so! I realised also that although they seemed to be very different from one another on the surface, underneath they were very similar characters. Last year I wrote a book on the subject and it was released by Pegasus publishing on 27th May this year.
It begins with my story, and goes on to explain how to recognise, avoid and escape from controllong individuals and harmful situations. It was not an easy book to write due to the very personal nature of the content, but it was theraputic in many ways. I am told it is fairly unique in that it is written by a victim, rather than a psychologist, and it has had excellent reviews so far. The cover is endorsed by a family doctor, and I have received very positive feedback from the domestic violence unit of my local police force, as well as victims'charities both here and in the USA.
If you, or anyone else is interested in reading it, the book is called LOVE IS A TWO WAY STREET, written by Anita Korren. It is available from bookshops, online from amazon.co.uk or Pegasus online bookstore, and also from any library.
It has been described as "an intriguing and potentially life-saving insight into the horrors and heartbreak of domestic abuse" and a "compelling book (which) will undoubtedly be of great significance and comfort to anyone whose life has been touched by any form of partnership abuse."
I hope this will help you. Please feel free to send me a personal message if you would like to discuss the issue further. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 12:11:29 PM | With tears of gratitude...thank you miashakti. I am just one of many as this thread shows..and I'm sure many have suffered far worse than will ever be shared on these pages. If only there were a way for the abusers to understand the damage they do, the "forever" pain they can cause.
What truly remarkable people survivors are! ...whether we need to forgive ourselves, or whether we have the wherewithall to understand we were truly undeserving of the treatment...it has still impacted us greatly. ...but we'll make it...with each other's help, we'll make it.
Does anyone hear Gloria Gaynor singing "I Will Survive" in the background? God Bless Us Everyone!
Rose Mary | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:35:10 PM | | rosebud ...big hugs hunny ...and everyone else who has been abused ....yes we are survivors but you no what we are more than that WE ARE HEROES ....WE HAVE NOTHING TO FORGIVE OURSELVES FOR ...just look inside our selves we are heroes ...the biggest hugs to all of you ...god bless joolsy xand remember there is a hero in each and everyone of us ... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:45:36 PM | llynass - in your journey of healing, if there is anything at all for you to forgive about yourself, you'll know at that time.
Maybe this will help a little to clarify what I mean and even to the thread, why my view of self-forgiveness leans more towards self-acceptance. However, in no way does my viewpoint diminish the validity of anyone else's difference in opinion.
Your question is a good one in the context of "right" and "wrong". What possible wrong could you have committed that warranted what you suffered at the hands of your abuser? The truth is? You did nothing wrong. It's not even about right or wrong really.
Let's get down to basics from the human perspective absent all other labels and respective impacting emotions.
We make choices.
Some of our choices are smarter than others, as defined by the resulting consequences.
Sometimes, we make really dumb choices with the best of intentions, believing we are making smart choices.
Sometimes, we experience wicked consequences for our dumb choices that we believed were smart choices at the time we made them.
How else will we learn to make smarter choices except to experience the consequences of our not so smart choices?
There are aspects of life we can control by the choices we make.
There are aspects of life we cannot control no matter what choices we make.
Sometimes, life simply isn't fair.
We were never promised it would be fair.
We have control over many aspects about ourselves including but not limited to our words, our actions, our thoughts, our feelings and our reactions.
We have zero control over anyone else's words, actions, thoughts, feelings and reactions.
That's just a start. Welcome to being a perfectly imperfect human being.
Now, what is there to forgive about one's self as a survivor at the end of the day?
That would depend on the intent of "offense" and who the "offense" harmed, I would think.
Yet to forgive oneself for making what later turned out to be a dumb choice such as returning to give that abuser the benefit of the doubt on his promises to change, as one example, is IMO comparable to apologizing to oneself for simply being human. Being human beings is not something within our control so why apologize for that?
Acceptance, conversely, of our humanness and the dumb choices we make opens the door to affect a change in our choices that in turn result in better consequences. That - we have absolute control over. Just as we have absolute control over whether we "walk through that open door" or not.
Healing from abuse is a very personal journey and I do want to reiterate that what may be valid for one survivor is not necessarily valid for another. The ones hearing or reading the thread posts know what fits their walk and what doesn't.
llynass - You loved. You trusted. You believed. What could possibly be wrong with that? Nothing at all, friend.
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:31:31 PM | | angelheart 3 ...your posts are amazing i wish i could write like you ,..i can understand so much what you are saying about forgiveness .....for me to move on i guess i had to forgive him his evilness ...does that make sence ....big hugs joolsy x | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 5:54:18 PM | joolsy - of course it makes sense! You moved on after - right?
Is your life better as a result of forgiving his evilness? Of course! Furthermore, it's even evident in the positive and upbeat attitude in your short post.
your posts are amazing i wish i could write like you
Thank you. I don't do anything special or different as far as writing goes. I just write what's in my heart to write and about what I see when I open my "eyes". I had great teachers yet some of the lessons were exceptionally devastating or so it seemed at the time.
When you really get to thinking about it, whatever happened to you is the worse that could ever happen to anyone because it happened to you. Then, at some point, you encounter someone who went through worse that you did, or at least you know within yourself that no way you would have ever survived. Even so, you survived the worse that could ever happen to you anyway.
Then, somewhere along the line in one of those quiet moments of reflection, you think about the darndest things. Like...the number of times I fell off that dumb bicycle no sooner than my other foot landed on the peddle. It finally connected that the same thing kept happening as I kept doing the same thing, expecting something different to happen. Oh, something different sure happened - different bruises as I fell differently each time. Duh.
Yet back then, it seemed impossibly huge (plus my dad insisted on no training wheels - grrr...). Looking back, it looks so insignificantly tiny. It sure hurt at the time, and Dad nearly ran out of band-aids patching up my knee scrapes and of course, let's not forget the bruises to one's pride, frustration, feeling stupid about what looks so easy until one has to actually get on that bike for the 1st time - oooops!
Yet somehow, wherever we find ourselves at any given point in our life that seems so HUGE that we can't possible get through it, or overcome it or even survive it - we all somewhere in "yesterday" can find at least one reference point where we felt as lost, hurt, conflicted, useless, etc - yet we survived and even overcame whatever it was then, even though it was HUGE to us then.
Just food for thought...to no one in particular.
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:09:53 PM | | Hey Silken, I think you are absolutly stunning...If u meet a guy who treats u like that again, send him to me, Ill take care of him... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:41:30 PM |
I am (still) sorting through the dissonance of the compassion one shows--MUST show--to a severely handicapped sibling vs. a pedophilic grandparent who was viewed as a "standard of goodness"--and the messages of family members who discount, fail to comprehend, or resent the inconvenience of these truths. Forgiveness vs. voluntary ownership of someone else's mess. And that dissonance is palpable--by abusers, abused, and "functional" society...but for vastly different reasons. Conformance has always been offensive (because it seems "too" convenient); non-conformance has always been counterproductive. Can someone speak to this?
Yoodle... could you rephrase this? I'm not quite sure what you're wanting us to address but it's probably because this has been a long week on my new job and I'm tired tonight. Could you perhaps hammer your 10 lb question into my 5 lb brain?
It's very important to feel and acknowledge the anger. You cannot go directly to the forgiveness stage without allowing yourself to be really angry. The trick is not to dwell in the anger. Once you feel it, there are techniques you can use to release it. I have dealt with this a lot in my life, and I use breathing techniques to release the anger.
I agree Snakewhisperer... And it's not as easy to "acknowledge the anger" as the words make it sound. I think my experience with this is probably very similar to others. It was not safe for me to be angry around my terrorist. Anger caused my emotions to fog over my logic and it was at those times, I was most at risk. So, I learned to stand on it and after 6 years of shoving it down, I was the "pressure cooker" that Solar Panel refers to. But it was a survival weapon.. then... When it started to "leak out" in unwarranted rages that would send me scurrying into hiding again, I wasn't so much "dwelling in it" as scared of hurting an innocent person with it. It hurt so much, I'd actually get tears in my eyes from the sting of it... Breathing techniques were the first thing my gentle therapist started me into... It's called diaphramatic breathing and it's as focussing on your breathing... pushing your tummy out with every inhalation and pulling it in with every exhalation. I'm sure it looks funny to anyone observing but it actually works like billy-be-damned. Combined with some creative visualization, you can even imagine you're breathing in soft blue waves of peace while exhaling dark purple anger... Good suggestion Snakewhisperer! Thank you!
now, silken...my life wasn't near as bad as most of these women in here
Who is to say what is "bad" for any of us? I think we get into trouble when we compare our situations to others and think "hmmm... that didn't happen to me so I don't have anything to consider". I have to say that I think being flogged with a belt is pretty serious abuse. If one adult did that to another (without consent), we would call that "abuse" wouldn't we?
i still personally don't feel as if the victim (and survivor) needs to forgive themselves for someone else's guilt.
There are already many posts that touch on the forgiveness process not having anything whatsoever to do with taking on the abuser's responsibility for his or her mistreatment of others. I honestly don't think I could do better than Angelheart, Galonthemt or Funny Girl have already done in a response. The one thing I don't want to do here is to suggest that people SHOULD feel guilty or blame themselves after coming out of an abusive situation because that is NOT where I was going with this at all. I am saying that for many of us... it's part of the healing work that we need in order to go on... Beyond that, I'm stymied to explain it any better.
TDZ's post kinda sums it up:
Forgiveness is a powerful thing. The most important person we can ever forgive is ourselves, and by doing so, letting it go and accepting it, you are allowing yourself to at least begin to move forward. And, at least for some, owning your actions can be an important part of moving forward, and rebuilding our self and our lives. It does not mean that we shoulder any of the actions of the abuser onto ourselves, but to forgive ourselves, and to own our lives again, what better way to take back your self and power?
I LOVED your post TDZ! Empowerment after abuse is like air after suffocation. Many of us can't feel like we're back at the helm if we haven't worked through what made us lose control of the ship to begin with... | |
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ciccin
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Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 121 | |
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:53:20 PM |  Well I am still trying to understand why I was abused. I am not with him now, but we have a new son together. I still cry at night from the hurt. This was the first time I had been both Physically and Mentally abused, and am still very confused.
Yes I know he will never change. Will he? He has taken every ounce of self esteem and confidence I had in myself. I also have no trust in not just men, but the world. He punched, kicked, stomped on my head and choked, so it is serious abuse.
I watched my mother get beaten by my Father for years. So why did I get sucked in?
I know that I didnt deserve to be abused. He would tell me that I am the reason he abuses me because I push his buttons.
I know it has helped to reach out for friends(I have none). So being on POF is my outreach. I know in my heart I can never return to that relationship. But what im having a hard time with is trying to understand why me. Im smarter than this. Im worth more than this.
So please, any advice on the healing process would be greatly appreciated. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:46:48 PM | angelheart: ah! My comment "this belongs..." was not a reprimand; rather, a oooh, how'd we get onto this topic and how is it going to play out if I participate...certainly, it won't attract dates...yet, the alacrity to discuss this here is...well, here I am.
What I didn't post, and what I was trying to wrap my thought and words around was the profound and far-reaching brakes/chains/closures this can cause...
...OK, what the hell. I was sexually abused by a grandfather when I was 6. The environment was a Christian home...that had it's own set of problems. Grandfather made a great big deal of our little secret and not to tell others. He was very sneaky. In a big sense, that was worse than "the deed." Because I set myself apart (as condemned) at a very early age. And the ratification---the assurances---of that self-definition are today, at 50, still under GREAT scrutiny and distrust. I truly wanted to die before I turned 12. One might say, "Oh, just get on with life," yet the defining moment of cull vs salvagable was, at 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...somewhere along the line, I realized this "thing" was condemning and futile. Death wouldn't change it, even. Suicide never occurred to me until I was 25 or 30...
So, this is the forgiveness of self that is tough. More thoughts (which sprung from my "sense of self" when I feel condemned--or set apart as a "bad" example) ...is this: in my own family dynamic, parent and sibling both look on this with confusion and judgement. For example. I got a call from my mother the day that Oprah came out about her sexual abuse. Her question? "How come you can't be like Oprah? Look how SHE turned out--SHE was sexually abused." (At 25...nearly 30 years ago....I had counseling regarding "the deed"...and at one point I brought my mother in. The response (for a 6 year old to figure out)..."I watched you like a hawk! I can't imagine how you did this without my knowing!" ...as if I was the perpetrator. This attitude is (perhaps my perception) typical of my siblings (ooh, my daughter's classmate was sexually abused, and you can tell, even in 2nd grade--they're "different"--this from a sister). Aunts and uncles (the children of the perp.) suggested I be institutionalized when I finally "outed" at 17. So, it is very very difficult (and this is for SilkenFire's response to my 10 pound blathering question): it is very very difficult IF YOU ARE GIVEN THIS KIND OF MISDIRECTION...to find a sense of self that stands in dignity, especially when the serious relationships you've experienced DO involve indignities: you (I) always question...maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the oddball that "doesn't fit in"... or doesn't go along with the crowd...I better keep my mouth shut. And so I do. When hell breaks loose, I don't get compassion, I get, "well where the hell do you find these kinds of wierdos?"...from family--especially. From SOs--especially. In work environments. No I haven't married one. Because, 6 months or a year into knowing them, they don't hesitate to show me how puny, menial, undeserving, worthless I am. And that is family dynamics at work, because that is also what I heard growing up, even WITHOUT the added problem of sexual abuse. All the negatives are confirmations. Can you think of anyone who would have come to my rescue? No, I'm doing it now.
Hence, my gratitude at the mention of abusers seek "the strong, the compassionate" | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves
Posted: 6/20/2008 2:13:11 AM | First of all may I say "thank you" to all who have shared their thoughts and experiences. I have experienced chills and tears as I have read the posts....some have touched me deeply. I feel as though I'm walking on hallowed ground somehow....ground soaked with tears and pain, but ground where people have struggled to their feet and moved on...some more forcefully than others, but all trying to move ahead.
The posts in this thread are really something. I couldn't say it any better than you have said it NC Rosebud. In a way, I think it is "hallowed ground" when survivors show what amazing people they are by caring enough to revisit their own painful experiences in order to drag the rest of us out of the fog. Some of them have more reason to be self-centred, mean-spirited, abusive people than anyone else on earth and yet, they have chosen to be the exact opposite.
I have often seen threads in these forums that ask if the general population would date or begin a relationship with someone who has been abused. Some of the responses are enough to make me wanna shave somebody's head with a cheese grater. They call us "damaged" when in fact, we are probably more conscious of what it means to love and stay ever-aware of the value of the "do unto others.." rule than those who have never had to wade through the terrible darkness of being abused by one or more of the people they should have been able to love and trust.
I had a counselor years ago that told me sometimes the fear of the unknown is scarier than the abuse.
I've heard that too.. The demons we know are better than the demons we don't know... And it never fails to amaze me how big that is for some of us...
So, yes, I’m one of the ones that struggles to forgive myself. I am finally understanding what an amazing woman I am. …but as many abuse victims are, I’m a perfectionist and feel I should have been better at saving myself….at saving my sister….at saving my children from the impact of seeing their parents fighting constantly and having a critical and sometimes cruel father.
Excellent point! And even when we accomplish what we set out to accomplish, we keep raising the bar on ourselves for some reason I've yet to figure out.
I find myself, when dating a “good man”, being scared to death. It’s foreign to me….I don’t know how to act and react…I tell myself I’m unworthy
I haven't actually dated yet because I suspect that if I tried, I would feel the same way... uncertain, anxious and just plain old scared... It's "supposed to be" fun, exciting and no more than a 2 on the anxiety scale... in a perfect world... But I suspect it's a lot like being poor and being so used to it, that having extra money actually makes a person feel sick... It's just a sign that we're not ready yet I think...
Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories and experiences….you have lifted me up and supported me in my journey to forgiving myself. You are truly amazing people!
So are you... thank you for sharing your story with us!!! May God speed your healing my friend!
On my journey I have come to see that all that we call evil in the world is just unconsciousness. People are unconscious of the pain they cause others. And often deeply unconscious of the pain they cause themselves.
Mia... as much as I value your exceptional "outside-of-the-box" thinking, I just gotta challenge your euphemism for "evil" as being unconsciousness. There is nothing "unconscious" about those who seek to control others with fear, terrorism and barbaric acts of cruelty. Osama Bin Laden was well aware of what he was doing and why he was doing it when he engineered the tragedy of 9/11. Gacy, Dahmer, Bundy and many others knew they were taking lives. Joel Steinberg knew that his 5 year old daughter was dying when she lay on the bathroom floor for hours after one of his beatings. These psycopaths are "evil" and they know it... Many of them are even quite proud of it.
Hey Silken, I think you are absolutly stunning...If u meet a guy who treats u like that again, send him to me, Ill take care of him...
Thank you for your kind compliment Degostyle... If I knew where "he" was now, he'd already have a stamp on his forehead and I'd be shipping him off as fast as I could stuff him in the post office box...
But what im having a hard time with is trying to understand why me. Im smarter than this. Im worth more than this.
Awww Ciccin... If we could just reach through the screen I have no doubt you'd never feel alone again. You aren't alone...
Finding one's self at the mercy of a terrorist is not about "smarts". It isn't about worth. Healing is about truly knowing and believing that you are worth more but being involved in circumstances you only have 50% of the control in (if that), is not about whether you're intelligent or what you are worth. There are sick people in the world and some of them are so good at charm and manipulation that even trained psychotherapists can't spot them.
There are few abusers who accept responsibility for their cruelties. It "works" for them to find a way to say you are causing their abusive treatment because as long as you will buy into that, they don't have to own or change a damn thing about themselves, to their way of thinking. The fact is, you can only control you. He can only control him. If something you say or do upsets him, he has many ways of handling it that don't include mistreating you.
If you aren't away from him, the first step is to get away from him. Worry about "why" later. I have no doubt some of the really great minds that are contributing here will have a lot more to say about your situation than I can right now... If you are away from him, you've already taken a giant step toward your own beginning to heal.
Some miscreant has seen fit to steal my truck tonight and I am more than a little bit upset! | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/20/2008 2:53:33 AM | | I recommend ready the book "The Bully in Your Relationship" Trust me it helps and it makes it all so real and you find so much about your self and your abuser. Doesnt matter if its emotional abuse or physical, they both hurt. One you can see, the other you cant, but its there. Read this book, I highly recommend it to anyone who has been, or is in a abusive relationship, you would think they wrote it for you. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/20/2008 2:58:24 AM | | I will never understand why we get so blind when we love someone? Even today after 10 months of him not being around I miss him. Thats crazy. He was a selfish, mean person who thought only of his needs and wants but yet I miss him. | |
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