| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/28/2008 1:17:28 PM |
She walked over to him with her glass of ice water, held it over his head and asked him if he wanted to be baptized "now or later". He started to flap his jaws again so she started pouring. Shut him up the rest of the night.
She was lucky if it actually shut him up... It is sad but in any of these cases, including my own, we could actually have been charged with assaults for what we did. The abusers love nothing better than to antagonize someone until they get them to that "point" so that they can actually become "the victim" and a lot of them, love to then be the ones to call the police and try to get someone charged. There's no end to them "poking at the kitty" to see if they can in fact, get us to that "point" but it's a damn dangerous place to be...
We could almost start a whole thread on those "FU" moments in abusive relationships. All humor aside - these are also moments of great courage, as well as moments of first steps out of "victim". Moments do accumulate into events.
I agree with you wholeheartedly on this point Angelheart... Just so long as our first steps out of the "victim" role don't equal our first steps into the court system on the wrong side of the bench... God help us... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/28/2008 1:33:07 PM |
I agree with you wholeheartedly on this point Angelheart... Just so long as our first steps out of the "victim" role don't equal our first steps into the court system on the wrong side of the bench... God help us
Hear!Hear!
On my sis-in-law? Too many witnesses for my brother to do anything but shut-up. Plus my husband at the time was an inch taller. Makes a difference when there's an audience sometimes. Plus that was many years ago - late 70's early 80's. Much has changed since then.
Actually the best "FU" of all is to succeed. Get out, do what needs to be done within the law to take one's life back, and have a better life anyway. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:00:42 AM |  i think the best "fu" is to actually get away, cs "they" seem to get pleasure out of telling us that we will never manage.
my ex used to say to me that i wont get the kids, and i wont get the house, etc......
and to a certain point i think it was worrying....
the "fu" point.
now i think, what was i worried about?
u know, he is an alcy, he cant hold down a job...
he dint teach the kids right from wrong...
what would get him awarded custordy of the kids?
and when i read back them words, i realize how far i have come.
how could i ever have believed that?
i hope this tread will help lots gals in need.
cs the onley regret i have is, that i dnt leave sooner!
if you have someone to support you in the process or not,
it cant get any worse, things can onley get better!
believe in yourselfes! | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:36:59 AM | | YES I AGREE KITTEN .....THAT THE BEST FU ...TO LEAVE AND HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE ......I WAS WITH THE MONSTER FOR 26YRS SO SO WISH I HAD GOT OUT SOONER .....BUT HEY IM FREE NOW AND ITS BRILL ....OH I CAN REMEMBER ANOTHER FU ....HE HAD PUNCHED ME AND CRACKED ME OVER THE HEAD BECAUSE HIS DINNER WASNT READY ...I WAS SHAKING ETC AND DROPPED HIS PIZZA ON THE FLOOR ...HE HE HE LOL I DISHED IT UP WITH HAIRS AND A FEW OF MY FINGER NAILS OH YES AND A FEW CAT BISCUITS LOL .HE ATE THE LOT ...IVE GOT 26YRS OF THEM STORIES ....I GUESS THATS HOW I SURVIVED TO TELL THE TALE I AM VERY LUCKY GIRL EH XXXBIG HUGS JOOLSY | |
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rufree
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Joined: 2/4/2008
Msg: 205 | |
| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:27:20 AM | I am having more trouble forgivinhg myself for what I have done to my 1 yr old son than for allowing myself to have been abused.I have always been in this type of relationship since birth so abuse to me is affection.I did not realise until this month wen looking at my 12 relatioship that she actually fit the psychological pattern of a Sociopath like the movie Serial Mom;I always thought she was like the lady in the Notebook but now I realise she is just plain mean.
Anyway,I get attacked when I mention on forums that I was being abused and accused of being the abuser,so I guess I try to delve into my mind by wrtiting on forums and then wait to get kicked out of the forums but it is not to upset others,just to heal my mind so that I can learn about the situation I am in,and maybe try to learn what about ME attracts these types of relationships or if I am somehow causing them ..... I can see other peoples psyche patterns pretty good but am having trouble seeing my own.I know I am a lonely emotionally insecure man that usually attracts male bullies and then I generally knock the crap out of them,but with a female I can not/will not do that.... but there has to be something about me in this.But I forgive myself and just try to find away to be more successful in life.I can always rent friends if I have money ..... everybody will leave me in life at some point,and more often than not will eventually return,screw me over and leave again ...... so I just try to get happiness when I can and not worry about myself,but rather focus on being able to advise my son how to avoid some of the various traps I have found myself in life and how to navigate through them
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:58:36 AM | There are so many types of abuse. One of the worse is the abuser that convinces you that you have no worth. This way it is ok for them to physical or verbaly abuse you because you do think you deserve it. This took me down for many years. Over 20. In order to forgive myself (and yes you do need to) I had to forgive him.. The best way I found was to pray for him every day. After a bit the prayer became more real. There is nothing we can do to get time back or get back at them. God will take care of this in his own time. If you hold anger in your heart you most likely will repeat this in future relationships. And you can't heal and learn to truely love if there is hate or anger in your heart. This don't mean you have to forget if you forget your going to repeat.
Hate is a stronger emotion and will hold on to you as much or more then the emotion of love.
My Grandmother always told me we don't hate this person but we don't like there ways. Took me a long time to understand that this is so true! | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:08:07 AM | | WE ALL DO WHAT WE DO TO SURVIVE ABUSE ....SOME PRAY PLEASE GOD LET IT BE OK .OTHERS STILL FEEL THEY ARE TO BLAME ....i feel helping others helps me now to over come all the horrible memories ...and to laugh at how i got him bk sometimes ....i doint care if that was abusing him .....he so so deserved it ....... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:18:22 AM | It is whatever works for anyone I guess. But until I was able to let go I was not able to be happy. And I got to tell ya. Happiness rocks!!
If I allow this person room in my mind and my emotions to hate them. Then I am not free of them yet. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:41:59 AM | You raise a lot of questions for the abused and certainly any victim of abuse will have an emotional struggle trying to resolve them.
However, the key thing for these women to become aware of, and many never do, is that abusers are nearly always master manipulators. They know how to play their victims feelings much like she is a puppet with the abuser controlling the strings.
Unfortunately, it often takes years for the abused to realize what has happened to her and even then she isn't quite sure how this horrible period in her life occured. This is why many women fall right back into the same kind of relationship (with another abuser).
Over the years, I've met many women who have been the victim of abuse. Some have had the same thing happen to them in repeated marriages and affairs. Others have gained their freedom by the abuser dropping dead. In most cases, they simply don't bother with getting involved with men and instead concern themselves with their children and network of women friends.
A friend of mine who is counselor tells me that in his experience, it take several years for the victims of abuse to resolve all the negative emotional feelings and trauma associated with abuse. Saddly many women don't have the financial means or the emotional strength to go through this process.
I have noticed that younger women who have the economic means (don't depend on men for support) have the ability to exit these bad relationships quickly. Also the attitudes of younger men are also shifting away from behavior patterns of men of my generation to showing more empathy for needs of women.
The Eagle | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:56:08 AM |
And personally, I'll take free over 'victim' any day of the week.
mia mia mia....you certainley make me think.........i suppose even with getting away
many people still think of themselfs as victems of abuse.
so what are we?
survivors...heros?.......what would be a positive name to call ourselfs?
escape-artists...hehehehehe, that sounds cheeky to me....
If I allow this person room in my mind and my emotions to hate them. Then I am not free of them yet.
that is allso verry true, and i suppose it goes in line with the other quote.
but do i have to vorgive him, in order that he is not on my mind anymore?
unfortunateley he still did, and does things that really hurt .
it hurts me and the kids, when he is ment to have them for a weekend, and he just dosnt turn up without calling.
the kids are hurt, and im angry cs of that, and hurt to see the kids hurt.
but as every cloud has a silver lining, i think to myself, well at least they dont have to go in the car with him.....
i dunno, atm, its rather him making me hatte him more and more,
than vorgiving....
maybe ill be able to, in some yrs to come.
when his sons get married, and have their own families, wich they will look after well.
and ill be proud, and can take the credit.
and just look at him with pity, and say to myself, what have you done with the time you could have spend with them?
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:19:07 AM | you know mia, you have hit the nail on the head there...
that is exactley how i feel atm.
i have never ever really thought, about whether i should or have to vorgive him, in order to move on, untill i discoverd this thread.
over the past yrs i had some really low lows........
but what really made me sit up, and take note was,
when my beloved dad, who i idolise,
was taken so ill from one day to another without warning.
i was lucky to talk to him on the phone on the eve b4 his op,
and one of the last things he said to me was;"thats how quick life can change"
and i am crying typing this.......
that has made me think...
wow life is short....
and i woke up, thinking,
wow, im young free and single...
I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.
so im guessing my path has onley just started.
maybe i have unconciousley forgiven him who knows.......
but id like to discribe it more as;
being the kid in a sweetshop,
and him being the one locked out...hehehehehehehehe
thanx mia, you come out with some good stuff | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:47:08 AM |
I am having more trouble forgivinhg myself for what I have done to my 1 yr old son than for allowing myself to have been abused.I have always been in this type of relationship since birth so abuse to me is affection.
Rufree, I have read your entire post and I think that if you are ready to change your life, you have a very good start down that path by recognizing that some of the problems you describe are now very old and long overdue to be dealt with. The beauty of self-awareness, regardless of whether the awareness holds the elements that enable good self-esteem, is that you have a "grip" on what's going on for you and you know something isn't right. Your situation is not nearly as complex as you might "feel" that it is with your emotions added on top of the facts. In my view, "forgiveness" is not the first stage of healing and it's a self-defeating expectation if you are trying to get there before you have even gotten to the root of the problems. I would strongly recommend that you try to get hold of the mental health department in your area to find out if they could recommend a good therapist for you that would charge based on a sliding scale. There are also some excellent mens' groups out there you can look into and if you attend them, you may find the support you need while you start into healing... If you want to be a good role model and guide for your little son, that in itself can be an excellent way to heal some of your own hurts.
Forgiveness is a kind of emotional thing, but clearing, is on another level.
And for myself, this approach is more comprehensive than 'forgiveness'.
Then... the question begs to be asked... why are you on a forgiveness thread here in the forums??? Wouldn't it behoove you to start a "clearance thread"???
It is taking responsibility for being an attractor (magnetic)
to the event or circumstance(s).
I am sure that most people who are interested in the forgiveness aspect of their healing, have already taken more than their share of responsibility for whatever they might have done to "attract" an abuser, Mia. If you had been abused, you would know this.
Shaming, calling the perpetrator names, laughing at his/her sickness or depravity, is all abuse in itself...which makes a person a match to abuse..
Most of us have heard this very argument... levelled at us by whatever narcissist or sociopath would like us to simply accept being invaded and mistreated. Hmmm...
You can't "shame" an abuser.. particularly if they are sociopathic or narcissistic. They have no shame and will even go so far across the boundaries of civility as to try to make people feel bad for seeing who they truly are... Knowing and being able to identify what we see as being "abusive" is a survivor's best friend and right next to it in the survival toolbox, is a sense of humor... You can't abuse someone if they're not around to be abused, now can you? | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:11:37 AM | Well I have read every post in this thread..........I applaud all of you who truly understand that forgiveness is about the person giving it and not about those who you are giving it to.
And self forgivness is allowing you to start with pureness of heart..throwing out all the cobwebs so to speak......no bitterness.....no regrets....no wondering why.........
mia....a question if you dont mind.........if you are so much more enlightened then everyone else on here and have reached that higher level of consciousness so to speak..why do you feel the need to defend yourself to such lengths when you "feel" you are being attached. Shouldnt one so enlightened be less defensive?
I would think ingoring and moving beyond would be the better way to go. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:26:29 AM |
mia....a question if you dont mind.........if you are so much more enlightened then everyone else on here and have reached that higher level of consciousness so to speak..why do you feel the need to defend yourself to such lengths when you "feel" you are being attached. Shouldnt one so enlightened be less defensive?
I would think ingoring and moving beyond would be the better way to go.
*sigh*
dosnt go the ignoring and moving on go for everyone else too then?
i cant remember mia attacking anyone.
"a higher level of conciousness", dosnt mean
IM HERE, AND IM CLEVERER THAN EVRYONE ELSE...FOR GOD SAKE.
it means i give my oppinion, and live and let live.
please accept me as im, i dont wish to argue.
yeah i think attacking someone is bullying....
i no like arguments.
you should just think your oppinion, and by the way great that you have got one, cs it shows that you care.
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:29:11 AM | | i ve forgiven him ......BUT IM STILL GIGGLING THAT I PEED ON HIS TOOTH BRUSH .....I BET EVERY NEW GUY ILL GET TO MEET WILL HIDE THERE TOOTH BRUSH NOW EH ....BUT IM FREE OF THE MONSTER IM SUCH A LUCKY GIRL ....BIG HUGS TO ALL WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED ...THERE IS A BEAUTIFUL FREE LIFE FOR YOU WITHOUT PAIN,HURT.THEY ARE NOTHING ......YOU PEEPS ARE SOMETHING ELSE OK ....LOVE AND HUGS JOOLSY XX | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:36:30 AM |
If you hold anger in your heart you most likely will repeat this in future relationships.
This is very true KDBugg. It is essentially why I thought a thread about forgiveness was worthy of our discussion. Like every other stage of our healing, it is a day to day process with each stage we pass through being taken up by the next one so that at the end of the day, we will likely be even more whole than we were when all of this started.
You know, there isn't one person I've talked to that "hates" their abuser. In 99.9% of the people I know who have been badly hurt by an abuser, they are people of infinite compassion who found out that that compassion is what got them into trouble to begin with. As EagleEric said below, "However, the key thing for these women to become aware of, and many never do, is that abusers are nearly always master manipulators. They know how to play their victims feelings much like she is a puppet with the abuser controlling the strings." When compassion in someone gets manipulated to the point that it has consequences for the compassionate person, that's when we know we have swung too far in NOT being able to spot a manipulator... I think that this is where compassion must stop and we need to start saying some prayers for ourselves... Too much compassion is not only disempowering to the person benefiting from it but it also blurs the lines of the relationship boundaries until no one knows what they're looking at.
The power of prayer is in the belief that there is a higher power and if you believe that we have a higher power, it must also be acknowledged that God's most beautiful angel fell in disgrace... I don't think God has forgiven him but the jury's still out on the matter... Right now, that fallen angel is the litmus test for those of us to believe or not believe in God's unconditional love, even through the times we are hurt by it. And I can't help but think, God wants us to be able to spot the other "fallen angels" who now walk behind the first one. We can pray for them but we must NEVER refuse to recognize them when we see them and we must NEVER forget who they are...
A friend of mine who is counselor tells me that in his experience, it take several years for the victims of abuse to resolve all the negative emotional feelings and trauma associated with abuse. Sadly many women don't have the financial means or the emotional strength to go through this process.
I can't speak for other areas EagleEric but here in Canada, in most of our provinces if not all, we have a "Crime Victim's Assistance Fund" that will fund therapy for those who have been assaulted or abused if their matter has been placed in law enforcement's hands. Where emotional strength is concerned, I have found that many women are true powerhouses, even after the abuse is over... Worn down, yes... But weak? No.
If PTSD and the effects of abuse are not dealt with in therapy, the effects can and do continue to morph throughout a person's life but I think that many of us actually have MORE skills in resolving negative emotional feelings than those who have never been abused. These skills are what helped many of us to survive. Therapy just helps us to separate when we need to use them and when, we can lay them down.
The ongoing disdain, and psychic abuse that often goes on by a 'victim' and perpetrator is a poison in itself...
but many 'victims' live in scorn and righteousness, and the identity of 'victim' for a long time after the abuse...
Yanno Mia... I have now read many of your posts in many of the threads and I "see" where you're coming from. You believe that adultery is okay because cheaters are simply "evolving". You advocate compassion and forgiveness for the abusers because they have simply failed to evolve or have a "defective computer chip". You like to push the "higher consciousness" stuff as giving those who have it some kind of free flight into moral depravity. You consider yourself "intelligently and intellectually" above many of the people you are posting to... And I can't help but believe it would please you to be able to convince those who have been abused to condone the actions of their abusers. You openly state that there is no such thing as "evil" and that you do not believe in a higher power. You have even written to one of our posters that if they knew you, they would fall at your feet. You haven't been abused so when you post these inflammatory statements on a thread that is obviously geared toward "helping" people in the process of their recoveries, I fail to see how your contributions are assisting with that?
As I said in my previous response here, this argument that turns the abusers into the victims and the victims into the abuser has already been heard from the sociopaths and narcissists we've already experienced. Many of us "know" what we're looking at and I want to tell you that most of us realize we can't replace a soul or a conscience where there isn't one. You can excuse abuse, adultery and moral insanity if you want to, but covering rotten behavior with roses doesn't lessen the stench. | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:48:37 AM |
I think your own abusive nature shows up here Silken...and I'm just not gonna make it my problem..
My own abusive nature?
If you look at the rules, it is against them to be exclusionary..
and as a free being, I go where I want to go, contribute what I want to contribute, and bless anyone who needs to disagree.
Darn right it's against the rules to be exclusionary... But I do believe you are being able to post and no one is stopping you... so yes, you're a free being alright... But the right to speak our minds works both ways... don't you think?
Hmmm.. seems to me I read somewhere that people with no boundaries are known to be somewhat narcissistic. What do you think about that?
I have no need to label anyone...
if your labeling of everyone else is useful to you, keep it for as long as you need it.
Well now.. you just labelled me as being abusive and it wouldn't be too darn hard to find the posts that call yourself "more intelligent and intellectual than the average POF'er", so what do you think about that?
As you can clearly see here Mia... some people don't quite understand what is going on but I think you do... And if nothing else, I have to say that your inflammatory attempts to have this thread wiped out may be effective but at least, I will have said what I think about people who excuse lack of conscience or morals on a thread designed for people who have both... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 12:05:39 PM | | THIS THREAD WILL KEEP GOING ......IT HAS HELPED MANY ABUSED PEOPLE TO OPEN UP ..... WHO WOULD WANT TO WIPE OUT SOMETHING THAT IS GOOD AND WHAT IS HELPING OTHERS .....SILKEN FIRE THANK U FOR STARTING THIS THREAD .....AND I FOR ONE WILL KEEP POSTING AND HELPING OTHERS LOVE AND HUGS TO ALL JOOLSY XXX | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 12:21:11 PM | hahahahahaha, youre sweet joolsy
yeah man, i keep posting too,
cs i want to help others,
and sometimes it helps to write things down, to really understand how you feel.
so thanx silken =)
i just dont understand why no-one gets mia....
she is just spreading the love and good vibes, and never comes across as some hobby psyciatrist.
she dont claim to know whats going on....
i didnt know there was something going on...
what is going on.....
i thought this was a process.....
that why we give oppinions, and examples.
and have giggles along the way...esp about you joolsy, bless ya.... | |
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| The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused
Posted: 6/29/2008 12:34:39 PM |
i cant remember mia attacking anyone.
You read my post then highlighted it and answered.....but still cant read......I didnt say mia attacked anyone......I ask why she gets defensive when she feels she is being attacked......................... | |
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