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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 5:43:31 AM |
Lack of mate should not prevent a woman from having a child.
But it's not fair to the child. Who will financially support that child? I mean if a man is responsible for bringing a child into this world, he should have to pay, should he not? That's what I've been reading in many other threads... seems to be the point of view of the courts. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 5:52:11 AM | | I think that it is an awesome choice. I have thought about it myself. We can't put our life on hold waiting for our partner. Sometimes we have to take matters into our own hands. As for the male coming into your life and him not knowing what to think of AI then I think he wouldnt be worth 2 seconds of your time. If you meet someone and they are a good man then they will accept the fact you have green hair, 6 toes on one foot, or a child from an AI. Do what is right for you. Sometimes you have to be selfish. Good luck with it! | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:12:28 AM | It is the way of the future my friend and as long as no man is or will be held legally or financially responsible, and that holds true to government welfare, then all the power to her.
Single parent homes are becoming the norm and at least she had not just forced someone to become a father unwillingly and as long as no lawyer finds a way to the sperm doner who shot his seed into a cup in any responsible other than providing a medical history then great.
Besides what do most men know about raising kids anyways? | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:17:25 AM | I don't understand the people that say the child will resent their mother that used AI. You think they will say (in all seriousness, not it a fit of anger) 'Damn, Mom, I'd rather not exist then to have only you as a parent'?? Thats crazy.
Many children have 2 good parents that stay together, which is ideal. Others have good parents that get divorced - not ideal but they are cared for and loved. But many children have parents that split up and hate each other, pulling the kid between them, emotionally hurting them greatly. Others might never know their father due to his or their mothers actions.
How about this - would a child be better off knowing they were a mistake of a 1-night stand, or they were lovingly brought into this world because they were desperately wanted? I think being WANTED and LOVED is the key, not whether its with two parents. An unwanted child with 2 parents is much worse off, than once parent who went through great lengths to have them. Of course I hope the woman is financially and emotionally ready to be a mother... but there are certainly MANY couples that aren't ready but still have kids.
And adoption? Its a great thing. But it could cost $50k and a single older woman almost has to go overseas or to South America. It can also take about 2 yrs. If all her parts 'work', then she might as well get some decent sperm and go to it! | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:20:14 AM |
Who will financially support that child? I mean if a man is responsible for bringing a child into this world, he should have to pay, should he not? That's what I've been reading in many other threads... seems to be the point of view of the courts.
The woman will financially support the child... as she will also fund the AI. The donor is not held to a financial obligation, indeed, he is paid for his sperm.
I think being WANTED and LOVED is the key, not whether its with two parents.
Good post twocycles! | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:29:30 AM |
I a not a religious fanatic in any way. But I believe kids is a gift from God. That is why God brings 2 people together to conceive a child in love.
Is this why people have abortions or have their children taken away from them by a Child Protection agency?
I think comparing it to adoption is apples to oranges. Nobody has a kid DELIBERATELY to give it up to adoption.
But people have children all the time without any thought as to how they will raise it or if the father will stick around.
For me the decision to do AI rather than adopt had little to do with wanting a child with my own genetic material. I thoroughly considered adoption, but ultimately decided that was a more selfish choice. The children that are in the system need a great deal of specialized care and I have 2 very young nieces that I chose not to put in a potentially dangerous situation.
Sperm banks in the U.S. are coming under fire for not releasing names to grown children.
Can you provide your source for this "data"?
So a woman can do this, but think about looking into your future child's eyes and explaining why donor 123z does not want know him or her.
You don’t tell you child that donor 123z didn’t want him/her, the same way you wouldn’t tell a child that daddy left and moved in with his girlfriend because he didn’t want to be his/her daddy! My plan is to explain to the child that I wanted him/her so much and that there are extremely generous people who help moms have beautiful, amazing children.
It's not up to us to say how the child should react but I wouldn't think much of my mom for doing it and I can imagine resenting her and feeling betrayed.
Do you honestly think a child raised in a loving, stable home would feel this way more than a child raised in chaos? Do you think poor couples, or alcoholics/drug addicts, or people creating bitter hateful divorces shouldn’t be allowed to have children?
It is selfish for a single person to want to give birth to a child. If two people have the desire to want to have a child, then a one-person parent team should only be entitled to have half a child.
I didn’t realize that this was an entitlement issue. What if 2 people want 2 children, or 3, or even 4. Are they entitled to want that many? Where do you make the cutoff as to what they are entitled?
The reality is that I am probably more stable, have a greater income, am surrounded by more of an incredible support system, and am much more prepared than the majority of couples who have children. By no stretch of the imagination do I hate men or not want to be in a relationship. Quite the opposite actually! However, I will not settle, just so that I can have a child. Inevitably that creates a disharmonious environment for a child. I am fully prepared to parent, have thought it through and planned for all my child’s needs. That’s a lot more than what most 2 parent households do to have a child. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:34:33 AM | | I dont think its selfish at all. Personally I wouldnt do it thats my choice but I cant see a huge problem with it. If you look at how many people 'accidently' get pregnant to trap a man etc at least the situation isnt messy (pardon the pun). Its a clear cut situation. Id rather tell my child the truth and that they were wanted so bad I did it than your dad was someone from a club one night and I dont even know his name. These children conceieved this way are truely wanted and thought about and Im sure very much loved. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:44:12 AM | But it's not fair to the child. Who will financially support that child? I mean if a man is responsible for bringing a child into this world, he should have to pay, should he not? That's what I've been reading in many other threads... seems to be the point of view of the courts.
Uh, the person who is responsible for bringing a child into the world, whether a male or female, is who is responsible. How many women are living without child support who didn't have a choice? Their donor won't pay, works cash jobs to claim poverty, or just doesn't care. Then there are the men who pay their obligation, spend their time, and truly love their children. Still, you ask any mother if child support even touches what she pays each month for taking care of her child and see how big of a snort you get from her.
I guarantee, with the exception of my husband, I have always had a more substantial income than my dating partners. My child, biological, adopted, or foster, would want for nothing and I would probably be the over obsessive mom who wouldn't let the child out of my sight. In addition, I have a mother who would have adored the idea of selling her home, moving into mine (twice as big as hers) and being full time baby sitter. My grandmother was mine until she passed when I was five.
Geez, let's have this topic either go away or come to the concensus that if a person wants a child, they have a right to have one. If I'm paying for children through property taxes, ad valorem taxes, and state taxes, why shouldn't I have a right to have a child any way I choose? Or not choose? God forbid anyone of the ladies who has spoken out in support of the original topic went out, found a guy, got knocked up, and tried to trap him, then people would be all up in her stuff saying she's a slut and a gold digger. Why doesn't everyone realize that those who go out of their way to have children in the unconventional way may actually want those children and can more than support that child without a second income.
It's all about giving a child love, decency, morals, and raising that child to be a good person. I never thought I would see so many people, especially women, who were so against procreation in any method if a woman wanted a baby. And, most of those who proudly proclaim their disdain for anything other than the "spreading the legs for a guy" method are usually parents already. So, if someone said, "you can't have you own child because it's selfish and you're not financially able to support it. B UT, you can adopt"...how does that sound to you? Oh, yeah, that's right. If you can't financially support your biological child, you don't have enough money to get close to an adoption.
Let's all just be happy for people if they're pregnant or adopting and they're happy about it. Who are any of us to judge why or how a person wants to have a child if their life?
Liz | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:48:20 AM | My blue shadow,
I think you are a very wise and wonderful woman. Your child will obviously be loved and will not feel a day where he or she wonders if he/she was a "mistake". I applaud your very well thought out plan to be the parent and role model to your future child.
Liz | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:52:23 AM | July Morning,
It is selfish for a single person to want to give birth to a child. If two people have the desire to want to have a child, then a one-person parent team should only be entitled to have half a child.
What are you going to do? Take a chain saw to a one parent child and saw them in half? This is ludicrous. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:55:14 AM | Ooops, I forgot to answer the OPs actual question.
If the guy wants to be in a family situation, then her having a kid by AI is perfect - there's no EX to deal with! Most divorces aren't perfectly friendly and there can be a lot of aggrevation, interference or hostility when dealing with a non-custodial parent.
A good friend of mine had a 'mircle' adoption when she wasnt dating anyone. She then met someone and her now fiance said he was so happy that she was a completely single parent because he wouldnt want to share his family and deal with an EX. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:11:08 AM |
Having a baby is best in a strong partnership. If you are uncapable of finding a life partner, what makes one think they are qualified to raise a child???
What if someone doesnt want to find a life partner? I mean, its not a goal for everyone to find a husband and settle down to have kids. Not having a life partner doesn't mean you are any less of a parent or that you can be any less of a parent. To assume so is naive. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:13:21 AM | | I do think it's slightly selfish. If you really have the burning desire to raise a child, there are hundred of thousands of children awaiting adoption in the US alone. Why not adopt a child in need of a home rather than getting pregnant by someone you don't know? | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:22:02 AM | find the idea of single women using artificial insemination to be quite weird, especially given the number of children who are available for adoption
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It's not weird, but I agree, there are too many people in the world. Our gov't subsidizes children too much. I'd cut out the tax benefits and many welfare benefits. Having a baby should be a very special thing, lets keep it special.
I agree most women who would do artificial insemination I believe are intelligent and succesful, perfect candidates to be a parent. But please try for adoption first. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 8:03:24 AM | Thank you okcgreeneyes1029!
Do the people who are advocating adoption as the easy way to have a child realize the realities of trying to adopt? And do you hold couples to this same standard? Do you condemn them for wanting a child without considering adoption first?
Adopting an infant domestically as a single person is virtually impossible. Everyone who adopts wants an infant. Singles are forced to adopt internationally, which can cost minimally about $50,000, and that’s only if everything goes perfectly the first time. It rarely does!
Adopting an older child comes with an entire set of difficulties itself. Most of them have been bounced around and have extreme emotional and behavioral problems. They require a great deal of supervision and care. When I considered adoption, I had to think about these realities. How fair is it for me to bring this child into a one parent home? Is that any more fair? I also had to consider the rest of my family. I have 2 nieces, ages 3 and almost 2, that I spend a great deal of time with. Would it be fair to place them in a situation in which they could be victimized?
How does getting married or even being in a relationship grant someone more reproductive rights? | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 8:09:53 AM |
If you were a male and you girlfriend had a kid by artificial insemination for the above mentioned reasons, what would you think about it?
I wouldn't have a girlfriend who would do this. It would be a deal breaker. It would indicate to me that this is one more person who believes a child doesn't need his or her father. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 8:38:50 AM | Artificial insemination is just weird.
Not really, there are many infertile couples that have to resort to this method or IVF. It's more common than you might realize. Is accepting donated sperm really any different than accepting a donated organ if necessary?
What happens when the kid grows up and discovers his dad never really wanted him. I can't imagine the troubles that child would then face.
Would you say that adopted children must be troubled too because in some cases their biological parents didn't want to keep them for whatever reason?
Many children are raised by one parent due to death, divorce, separation--some deadbeat parents just disappear completely from the child's life and want nothing to do with them. I would think these events (which are much more common) would be harder on a child than knowing he/she was loved enough to be raised single-handedly by CHOICE and not by unforseen circumstances. Remember these children are PLANNED. It never ceases to amaze me how many parents tell their children they were "accidents". It must be nice for a child to grow up feeling like they are a "consequence" of a mistake their parents made. 
I know two women who have had children through A.I. The decision to do this wasn't made overnight. These women had mentally, emotionally and financially prepared themselves for years before going ahead with their decision. One woman recently had her second child (same donor) and the other one met a man while she was pregnant and has since married him. They both have beautiful families and a wonderful support system around them. Their children are truly blessed.
If a woman's biological clock is ticking and she is smart enough not to let that cloud her judgement and get into a relationship with the wrong person to have a family then I don't see anything wrong with A.I. if she is truly prepared to be a parent.
For those proposing adoption as an alternative to A.I. , while this sounds good in theory, in many agencies preference still seems to be given to couples over single people. The waiting list is very long and the process can be much more expensive than A.I. , especially if you are trying to adopt overseas to increase your chances of getting a child and getting one sooner. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:09:24 AM | I'm gonna say this ONE more time in case someone out there actually reads the other posts first... (and yes, I have a child by adoption and a child by birth...so I'm not a hypocrite and I'm pretty comfortable saying this)
If you think that it's selfish to do AI when there are "thousands" of unwanted children in the world who need to be adopted, then I think YOU need to run your little self to the doctor and get yourself sterilized... and then YOU just go adopt. Or else YOU are a hypocrite. Sure, it'll cost you at least $6000 to $50,000 to adopt the baby or child when you could just breed for free... But since it's selfish to do AI when you could adopt an unwanted child, GO DO IT yourself and skip breeding w/your spouse.
I'm sorry...but this really gets my goat. Really pisses me off. Adoption is a great option for people who *choose* to do it. And if you adopt, it should be your FIRST choice...not "what you get stuck with" because you are single or other circumstances. Adoption, while an awesome way to build a family, is not for the faint of heart. It takes a long time, is difficult, scary, requires a lot of work, and very often involves a lot of heartbreak before that child joins your home. It takes dedication. It's not a "last resort" and should NEVER be spoken of that way. If you were adopted, would you like someone to tellyou that the only reason your mom and/or dad wanted you was because they were desparate? Somehow I think not.
My daughter knows that we wanted her in every sense of the word, and that we are her parents, also in every sense of the word. And that God sent her to us thru her birthmother, who did a wonderful job of "growing" her for 9 months. She might not share my genetic material, but she is MINE. And no, she wasn't a last resort, or a second choice. We also didn't adopt her "out of the goodness of our hearts" or because we are wonderful generous people. Oh no. Adopting her was actually quite selfish. :) Because she made us happier than we had ever been before. She made me a mommy. SHE was a gift from God to us and we were the ones that got blessed. Nor did we adopt her out of some obligation b/c of all the unwanted children in the world. Ay yi yi... that's like saying finish the food on your plate b/c there are starving kids in Ethiopia. You eat your steak because you want to eat it. Well, you adopt a child because you want to adopt a child and grow your family that way.
Kaylie | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:09:47 AM | How does getting married or even being in a relationship grant someone more reproductive rights?
I don't think it's about rights. Of course, everyone who is capable of having children can have them. The issue here is how some women go about obtaining children. Excuse the stretch of making this analogy but it's like trying to grow a lush lawn around one's home in the desert. It CAN be done but is it the best use of our abilities?
Having children is a normal outcome of an adult relationship. For couples who can't conceive through intercourse, it's still a more normal pursuit for them to use artificial insemination (if it is their sperm and ovum) than it is for a single person to do so. If a couple can't achieve a family that way, I would suggest adoption for them, too. The problem, as I see it, is that people think of bearing children as a right - something to which we are all entitled, regardless of our circumstances. I'm not comfortable with that idea. First, people have to examine why they want children:
-To carry on the family name?
-To work the farm?
-To provide and care for you in your old age?
-To love YOU?
I'm sure most would see these reasons as being a little cold and calculating. So, if we go with the most generous sounding reason - to bestow your capacity to love and care for another person - that can be done with anyone, regardless of DNA. Since there's never a guarantee that any relationship is going to turn out as hoped, a biological link really doesn't matter. I still see pursuing AI over adoption (or not having children) as self-centered (different from being selfish) because it's all about the woman, all about her wants. It's not about the child at all because the child doesn't yet exist. These single women are romantic about the potential, not the reality, of having the perfect child to love them, and to be (nearly) perfect in every way because the woman selected the best donor her money could buy. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:42:37 AM | Reason people want to have a child. hmm. Most of us are here without any reason.
All of you who were an accident, raise your hand. (raises mine)
My parents were married but they sure didn't decide or plan to have me... yep, that is the outcome of an adult relationship.
So urine, is part of your point then that it is somehow not "normal" for people to make an active choice, to say, I want to be a parent? Because "no thought" is the "normal" level of thought brought to it, at least for many people, isn't it?
Your list is a bit short, I'm quite certain there are other reasons to have a child. I didn't have a reason for mine... she's another accidental outcome of an adult relationship. But what I've gotten out of having her certainly isn't that she loves ME... what is so earthshattering is how much I love her, and how much loving her has changed me and changed my life. I would not have decided to have a child... I didn't have any confidence that I was up to that daunting job. But, oh, I'm so glad the decision wasn't mine to make.
So, if someone is "feeling it", for lack of a better word, and think they would make a great parent why in the world be a stickler on "normal"? They are going into it with more thought and consideration than many people "normally" give to it. Certainly more than I or my parents gave to it.
sheesh, I have no idea what "normal" is. lol | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:56:59 AM | but I have to wonder why these women need to have a child that is theirs by blood (partially, anyway). - urinemyway
I think that having your own child, is & feels different. I have no adopted children, so that's just a guess on my part,
my opinion. I don't doubt that adoptive parents love their adopted kids, but I do think there would be a difference,
primarily because it would take longer. Yopu start loving your "own" child, from the time you start trying to get
pregnant, or when you first learn that you are pregnant. At least that's my experience. So you have a 9 month start,
before/she is even born. Plus, many people who adopt, do so because they are unable to have children of their won.
Therefore the whole process of trying to have a family, has had it's share of pain & heartbreak already, which may
complicate things, emotionally.
I have several lesbian friends who did it, back in the late 70's/early 80's, beofre they could openly adopt kids.
I find the idea of single women using artificial insemination to be quite weird, especially given the number of children who are available for adoption.
Some people cannot adopt, every state/province has different rules & regulations, governing the process of adoption.
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Artificial insemination is just weird. What happens when the kid grows up and discovers his dad never really wanted him. I can't imagine the troubles that child would then face. - CanadianBeef
That's only one way of looking at it & not neccessarily accurate. Why would the donor do this (donate sperm), if he
didn't want to help people have children? Whether it's a single woman or an infertile couple, is irrelevant to this
aspect.What do they tell adopted kids? Usually, that their parent/s couldn't take care of them, but loved them so
much, they gave them up, to make sure they got a good home. I have no idea what would motivate a man to
donate sperm (like blood donations, they don't get paid for it, in Canada, btw). I know many medical & other
university students in the US, use it as an income supplement, but couldn't they also be motivated by the same
impulse as surrogate moms (they also don't get paid, in Canada) & blood donors? The sincere desire to help others? | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:58:54 AM | Very well said Kayliecat!!!
Urinemyway: What were your reasons for having a child? Why didn’t you adopt instead of creating a child that would grow up in a broken home?
Someone please explain to me what this selfless reason is that couples have for reproducing that singles don’t possess! | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:48:27 AM | Michaelann...
I have children both by birth and adoption. I can tell you that the love, the relating, and the relationship are absolutely no different. And I did fall in love w/my daughter before she was born, the same way as my son. I saw them both on ultrasounds (and was present for boht) and just LOVED their little bodies and faces. And loved anticipating their births.
I did experience infertility prior to both of them and yes that likely did have an impact. But I'd say it impacted both equally.
Also with my son he felt like an alien in my belly...I really can't say that that added to the experience in a positive way. LOL Kinda freaky.
With my daughter who came via adoption, she was in my arms at 10 hrs old and never left us except for the dr. to examine her now and again. I even nursed her using a supplementer (and yes, i did lactate)
With my son via pregnancy and birth, I held him for just a moment then he was taken from me to a warmer, then put under an oxygen hood for 3 days. I didn't get to really hold him or nurse him til he was 3 days old, unlike my daughter. Still, I bonded with him and her both quite well.
People think that there's this magical bond knowing that your child carries your genes or came out of your vagina. Really, there isn't. Because when you look at that child, he/she is an individual human being separate from you. It's not like looking at your hand which is attached to your body. You see your child and your heart is filled with love...love for *that* little person. The feeling is just the same even if the genetic material is different. I don't know how else to explain it unless you have experienced both. And honestly, I didn't understand how it feels to parent adopted and birthed children until I did it either.
For those of you with more than 1 child, think back to when you were expecting your second. Did you ever wonder how you would possibly be able to love your second as much as your first? Did you wonder if your heart could really grow that much? I know I did and I remember my sister saying the same thing. Well...then the second one came and guess what, your heart *did* grow bigger and it filled up with love for the second child just like for the first. Well, that's what its like for me, also. You don't know what it will be like until you do it...but it happens just the same. We all love our kids, regardless of how they come into our lives. How, we just do. The magic of being a parent, I guess.
Kaylie | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:48:44 AM | Urinemyway: What were your reasons for having a child? Why didn’t you adopt instead of creating a child that would grow up in a broken home?
I'm hoping this is a syntax error and that you don't mean that I would create a child that would grow up in a broken home... In a way, I did adopt. I took in a younger relative, who had been abandoned by her mother and in a bad situation with her foster family. I was a single male when I did this. I attempted the same later with a different teenaged relative. That didn't work out, though. I've often thought about adoption before, during, and after my marriage, before having children and now. One reason for not doing it now is financial, as well as the consideration of maintaining a sense of stability for my children after the divorce (with them splitting their time between parents, I wouldn't want them to think they were being replaced). I don't rule out adoption for the future. Also, my ex-wife thought she was infertile. If my sperm hadn't turned out to be armor-piercing, we would likely have adopted. I don't think I'd have wanted to go through in vitro fertilization, even. I'd accept what was handed us.
Margo - I wouldn't say that most of us are here without a reason. Even if people don't plan the moment of conception, there is still the recognition that a child will probably result from male/female intercourse. Nature dictates that and, therefore, I think it mostly is a conscious decision. Some people are better prepared, and some are more intelligent but what can you do? Even if your daughter is "an accident," you must have known that the possibility existed for pregnancy to occur, even with birth control. I'm not putting you down in any way, I'm just saying that these are normal occurrences, whereas AI isn't.
I have no idea what would motivate a man to donate sperm
Gotta get rid of that stuff somehow! To bad it can't be converted to ethanol. We'd eliminate our dependence on foreign oil on the spot! | |
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