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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 2:14:04 PM | I would like to know, if you can't find another human being that you can love, how do you think you will feel when your kid is asking strange questions or being a holly terror? How are you gona handle it in the times of nonsense? How will YOU get along with this child if YOU can't get along with anyone else in a close relationship?
We are meant to be couples and families by nature and everybody is developing this hate for each other that prevents them from finding any love in the sense of faithfull love. Being born into and having kids is an attachment of cute and fuzzy nature and moral obligation, and if you really love your child the way you think, than you would find very easy to let go when they are older. Its not a choice of faith and trust. Chances are you may end up trusting your kids to commit armed robbery. Who knows...
Kids are just so wonderfull and so full of life and learning new things at a rate we only wish we could, so having two parents that are good, kind and loving and firm with their children, can only better than not. I know that lots of people screw up thier lives and do a crappy job and lack love and what not but do you think that you should be one of them. Do you know how much stress it is to have a kid?
You will be worried about his/her first words to their first house and beond. Its nice to have someone share that stress and have the understanding in that and love for yourself as well. No matter how you do, you will not always be able to get along with your kids. Once you start to fight, if you don't have another of equal bond to the child, it begins to cascade. So think about why you want to do this and if that is really what you want. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:44:15 PM | Actually the research does suggest that there are some very profound effects on children being raised without fathers. Consider the statistics.
- Children raised in homes without a father are five times more likely to live in poverty.
This is more likely to occur with single mother who has not had time to establish herself financially or if she didn't plan to raise a child on her own to begin with. She would not have thought ahead to prepare for the task and set aside emergency funds or an education fund for the future. If these children are being raised in poverty then it follows that they may have fewer opportunities to succeed in life and have a higher chance of ending up in any of the other scenarios mentioned below. A single mother struggling to raise children while working multiple jobs to make ends meet will have very little time to discipline her children and very little resources to help keep them out of trouble.
- Kids in father-absent homes are much more likely to go to jail than those raised in mother-father families. Kids who have never had a father in their lives are the most likely to end up in jail.
- Girls raised without a father are at greater risk of having a teen pregnancy.
- A study involving both U.S. and New Zealand kids found a higher likelihood of early sexual activity among kids without fathers.
- A Columbia University study found that teens in single-mother households are 30 percent more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol than kids in two-parent homes.
- Information from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services shows that kids without fathers are twice as likely to drop out of school.
I wonder what percentage of children in this research came from broken homes? Did the mothers end up raising them alone due to circumstances out of their control or did they plan on becoming single moms? I don't know how old these studies are but it would be interesting to see if the stats are the same with plannned single parent families. Not sure about the U. S. or other countries, but from my understanding, in Canada, only about 3%-5% of patients who use sperm banks are single women, so not sure how well that scenario is represented in these studies. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:42:52 PM |
The Incredible Shrinking Father -- by Kay S. Hymowitz
Artificial insemination begets children without paternity, with troubling cultural and legal consequences.
Anyone interested can google this title for an interesting read. Describes the women seeking to become pregnant, the donors and some issues of the children as they grow. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:43:51 PM | Calray: All the research that you site was done on “traditional” single moms, where the parents divorced or the father abandoned the family. Further research has indicated that it is not solely the absence of a father that causes these problems, but the structure of the home environment that is the issue. I also know what attachment disorder looks like. Do you know what causes attachment disorder? It’s not being raised in a stable, loving one parent home! Quite the opposite actually.
Do not think of yourself andyour wants because you are bringing another human being into the world who has the right to be loved completely fully and unselfishly.
My child will be loved more completely and unselfishly than many children in two parent homes!
Sure, not: There are many human beings that I love and relate to. I just haven’t found one that I want to share my entire life with. Being single doesn’t indicate there is something wrong with me! It just means I won't settle for an unhealthy relationship.
I wonder what percentage of children in this research came from broken homes?
This type of evidence originates from a study published in 1994 by McLanahan and Sandefur. Their pool of single mothers consisted entirely of single mothers who were divorced, widowed, or otherwise disrupted. They acknowledge that there are several factors that influence the outcomes for these children: 1) anger and resentment following the disruption; 2) loss of resources when one household splits into two; 3) mother’s education b/c they tend to be the primary caregivers; and 4) parent’s age and income. Reasons 1 & 2 obviously don’t apply to women choosing AI. The large majority of these women have at least a college education, if not higher, and they tend to be in their 30’s and have above average incomes. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:04:34 PM | My child will be loved more completely and unselfishly than many children in two parent homes!
Your child won't be loved by his\her father. I guess you think you can compensate but I don't think it works like that in the real world - in a childs world.
I'm not posting here to make anyone feel bad who is already in this situation. I've been in this situation - not AI - but I raised a kid with no father. I think I'm qualified to comment. I'm just speaking from experience - since others speak so openly about what they believe they should accept that others disagree just as passionately.
Can a mother and extented family ever fully compensate for a dad? That's like comparing apples to oranges. Close but never the same thing. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:19:26 PM | | You are right. My child won't have that relationship with a father, unless I get married. I do think my love and my support systems love will compensate for that. You have been respectful in your dissension and I appreciate that. We just disagree. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:54:22 PM | I will admit, I have not read all the replies...sorry.
To add a bit of info, or to repeat a bit of info, I think that in the UK there is no anonymity nowadays. The child can contact their biological father….. Not too sure at what age tho, whether it’s as soon as it’s born via the mother or when the child becomes an adult.
But to not answer the question….I do not have children, and I had to make the choice recently whether to have a child by donor. I said no, as I really had no idea as to how I would explain to the child how they came to be, and my reasons for wanting them. It’s just, in my opinion, seems too calculated, too selfish.
If any females reading this have taken that option, not against you, it’s just that felt it was not right for me. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:20:16 PM |
Calray: All the research that you site was done on “traditional” single moms, where the parents divorced or the father abandoned the family. Further research has indicated that it is not solely the absence of a father that causes these problems, but the structure of the home environment that is the issue.
Are you ABSOLUTELY sure there were no donor conceptions in that focus group, or are you spinning the statistics to make sure they line up with your convictions?
Fine, let's get some input from some of the kids who were born this very way, and see what they have to say about their desire to know their biological fathers.
A few months ago, Si'mone Braquet, 41, of Sugar Land, Texas, and Tim Gullicksen, 41, of San Francisco, found each other on the Internet. Braquet was searching for the sperm donor who'd allowed her to become a single mom 10 years earlier. Gullicksen, an anonymous donor intrigued by his own family tree, was looking for his "kids." First there were e-mails and phone calls. Then, in March, Gullicksen flew to Texas to meet Braquet and the child they created: a boy with bluish-green eyes and sandy brown hair named McKay. When Braquet told her son that she had tracked down his donor dad, "he lit up," she says, then burst into tears. For years, McKay had kept a "Daddy Box" under his bed filled with special handmade items—a painted rock, an angel ornament with his photo in it. Finally, just weeks before his 10th birthday, he had someone to give it to. "I've always wanted a dad," he says. http://www.newsweek.com/id/138506/output/print
I had to wait until I was 18 before I could contact the sperm bank directly, so I spent two long years wondering about my identity, angry that the bank denied me the only thing I was born with: my genetic makeup... (Cosmopolitan Magazine July 2008)
"Nevertheless, I feel rejected by my biological father. I imagine he knows I've been searching for him, and I have to presume he doesn't care enough to call. Even if he said he didn't want to know me, I'd respect that -- as long as I could get my medical history. So although there have been good things that have resulted from my search, I'm now coming to terms with the fact that I may never get the answers I'm looking for." (Cosmopolitan Magazine July 2008)
"I feel that there is a part of me, half of me, physically and emotionally that I can pull out from my mother’s side of the
family," said Ryan. "Then there’s this other part that is invisible."
I fall into the group of offspring who feel empty and extremely cheated out of important aspects of life without information about my donor or the opportunity to find out who he is. Because my interests, appearance, life views, and personality are quite different from my parents, I frequently become curious about which traits I inherited from my biological father. Beyond my curiosities, though, I also just want reassurance that he and his family are happy. http://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/DSRblog/?p=29
I hope that sharing these parts of my life story provide insight that will benefit future offspring. Because donor-conceived children have no say in their method of conception or the way that it gets handled within their families, I am trying speak up for them. We are not simply products of a business deal, but a group of people with needs and rights. Now that we are old enough to discuss our views, I plead for you to listen to and learn from us. If you donated sperm, received sperm, or want to learn more about donor insemination, I urge you to visit www.donorsiblingregistry.com
http://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/DSRblog/?p=29
Rob maintains children should be able to know who their father is. "It's a human right to know where the hell you came from."http://lfpress.ca/newsstand/News/Local/2008/06/11/pf-5837016.html
Apparently the United Nations agrees.
1. The child shall be registered immediately after birth and shall have the right from birth to a name, the right to acquire a nationality and. as far as possible, the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents. United Nations charter on the rights of the child. Article 7 section 1 | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:38:58 PM | I am absolutely positive about the original research. I quoted the source if you'd like to look it up!
I think if one wants to one could find unhappy children from just about any situation. I never said that the decision didn't come with some difficulty, but doesn't every childhood include some difficulty. I'm sure if I wanted to, I could find just as many children born into two parent homes who are angry/unhappy as well.
I don't want to continue to argue with you. It's clear that we disagree, and you are certainly entitled to your opinion. Fortunately, I know many men who are very supportive of this decision and have agreed to be involved in this child's life.
My reason for posting to this thread was not to change anyone's opinion. It was to present facts and information to people who didn't understand the thought process or to offer support for someone considering this as an option. As I have stated previously, I am very confident in my decision to use AI and in my ability to provide a healthy, loving, stable home for a child. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 9:32:51 PM |
but doesn't every childhood include some difficulty.
Absolutely. And every marriage comes with some difficulty, but rather than face the challenges for herself a single woman instead decides to pass those additional burdens to their child.
This is the part that I see as selfish.
To point out how 2 parent homes are sometimes worse is justifying the lesser of two evils. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:15:58 AM |
Children raised in homes without a father are five times more likely to live in poverty.
I just wanted to comment on this. I don't see how a father not being in your life as a kid has anything to do with your tax bracket as an adult. If anything, watching a single mother keep a house together on her own should show a child (male or female) that it's possible to do it all as a sole person.
As a child who grew up with no father in the home (and many bad father figures along the way who not only didn't help, but who took from us) I learned that if a woman with two kids can do it alone and be successful at it, then surely a woman with no kids (such as I planned to be) could survive easily. So I aspired to do what I loved for work, learned many different jobs so I never had trouble finding work, and to take what I had to to survive should it come to that until I could leverage better.
I do believe that children raised in poverty regardless of one or two parents or who learn a bad example of money managing from them are more likely to live in poverty - however even so, there are examples where children learn that there's nothing to lose and want to break the pattern. After all, if you're living in it then there's no where to go but up - and you have a really clear idea where you don't want to remain. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:23:37 AM | And every marriage comes with some difficulty, but rather than face the challenges for herself a single woman instead decides to pass those additional burdens to their child.
This is the part that I see as selfish.
To point out how 2 parent homes are sometimes worse is justifying the lesser of two evils.
I don't think anyone is promoting one parent homes over two parent homes. The circumstances under which one becomes a single parent and how it's handled will certainly affect the quality of life for the child.
Single women will not face the difficulties that come with marriage; and they have prepared ahead to face the challenges that come with being a single parent. This requires additional work before the child comes into the picture. These women have made a decision to make a complete lifestyle change and have taken on the responsibility of single motherhood willingly. Hence they do not deal with their situation as if it was a "burden". I think that is the key. Their situation is very different than those of the women cited in the study mentioned by Calray earlier. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:50:40 AM |
Im a single Mother and my kids turned out great.
both my boys are in the Air Force, they are going to make it a their life.
Im very proud of them.
If would of stayed married they would of been in an abusive house hold, he was a drunk, never did a dam thing, even when he was in town he didnt really get involved, He was very selfish, he entertained even when the boys where with him, my life has been all about my kids, still today all i do is for my kids.
If u cant be there for ur kids dont have them. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:51:55 PM | But Rosetta ... what if he wasn't abusive? what if he was a good man? there are exceptions to every situation. and i have seen abusive parents be both men and women.
does the word MOMMY DEAREST mean anything?
I grew up in a household with no father and had many friends who were the same. my dad died when i was 3. i hardly knew him. but I will tell you this... there was something lacking. no matter how much my mother was mother of the year... there was always and will always be something lacking. And its scarring for a child. so if you think that "oh my kid will get over it" thats a really sick way of looking at your childs mental health.
oh and PIP35
any woman who agrees with that statement understands that your so called "statistic" is geared toward women who are now older and attempting to have children. of course they would be sad. they can't have what they want!!!
but there are many MANY women out there who feel that they do not want to have children and stick to that decision in a happy way. Don't judge all women as you clearly don't know all women.
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/15/2008 3:14:56 PM | It's amusing to me how many women here are trumping the idea of how disposable men seem to be in the entire act of reproduction on, of all places, a dating site where most are looking for men to be a part of their lives. LOL.
I don't think women are factoring one major thing here. It is increasingly difficult for a male in western society to interact with a young child, not biologically related, without it being fodder for a giant lawsuit or a legal entanglement.
You ladies do realize that fewer and fewer men are becoming Boy Scout Troop Leaders, coaches for youth sports, joining the ranks of those who work with special needs children and becoming educators at the primary school level.
Guess why? One accusation and your career is over. Your social life in your local area is over. The perception of your quality as a person in all aspects of your life, no matter how hard you worked for it or bled for it, is gone. All it takes is one allegation. Men who enjoy or seek to interact with young children are often treated with suspicion and fear. The ease at which someone can get onto a registered sex offenders list is appalling (there are many people on them who deserve to be there, but like any system, its imperfect and lots of "one the line" cases aren't handled with a great degree of common sense or fairness)
Basically we now live in a society where every child, if you aren't biologically related to them, becomes a ticking legal and career time bomb for most adult males.
So this idea of finding " a good male role model for my child, even if he's not the father" How many guys are going to really do this? And the ones that are driven with career success, you know the kind of guys Mommys want their sons to grow up to be often, have the least time and incentive to do it.
And this ludicrous "Well Daddy Was Going To Be a Big Fat Jerk Anyway" argument is pathetic. Guess what ladies? Every loser you've ever dated or got into a relationship or married or had kids with, you picked him. You chose to be with him. You chose to have sex with him. You may have chosen to have a child with him. Or if you grew up with an absentee or "not up to snuff" Daddy, and this is for men and women here, your mother picked him. She chose to sleep with him. She chose to have a child with him. Before we go on and on about how there are so many lousy Daddies out there, let's not forget all the Mommies who picked him and played her part in giving her child so very little in terms of a positive male role model.
Nature isn't all that complicated. It takes two people, two people who need to be accountable for the act, to have a child. Probably because it takes two people to effectively raise a child. If women were meant to raise kids on their own, nature wouldn't have set it up to require two people to create the child in the first place.
"Daddy Was Going To Be A Jerk Anyway"
Ladies, listen up. Those children out there. Maybe they are your children. They didn't cheat on you. They didn't beat you. They didn't refuse to hold a job on you. They didn't make you feel less than worthy. They didn't emotionally abuse you. They didn't hurt you. They didn't ask to be brought into this world. Maybe a man did those painful things to you, but why rob a child out of having two parents because some of you and your mates out there had bad luck or were romantic failures?
Children need their fathers. Can you raise a child without one? Sure. Does it make it a good idea?
DOES IT MAKE IT A GOOD IDEA?
Saying "Daddy Was A Jerk Anyway", is that really asking yourself what's best for the child? Or is it asking what's the best way to vindicate every failed relationship and broken heart in a person's life?
My child comes first. I hear that a damn lot in life and on these forums.
Sure sounds like some people mean it so very much in this thread. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:38:03 PM | [QUOTE]Posted By: lateef7842 on 6/11/2008 9 23 AM
Subject: Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Message: It's very selfish. Most studies show that children do better with two parents in the home. If a woman makes a decision to wait until she was more established to have kids, fine. That was very responsible. But, she has to live with the consequences. Having a child, without being with a the father (or mother) in a committed relationship is irresponsible.
If you think I'm wrong, do the research. Children from a loving, two parent home are the healthiest both mentally and physically. Anything short of trying to do that screams, " I'm selfish and what I want takes precedence over everything!" That's a huge red flag to me. I'd move on if I were you. Sooner or later, when your relationship stops being "convenient" she'll find an excuse to end it rather than work through the problem.
Lateef[/QUOTE]
I disagree with this because while the studies may show that children do better in two parent households, is that a happy family or one that fights all the time or where there is friction and dysfunctional. I'd say that a child can be perfectly healthy and happy in a home with only the mom, if it's a loving environment with plenty of positive role models both male and female around. It is not selfish, imo, if a woman who is nearing the end of her childbearing years to use AI as a means to have a child if she knows there are no men who are candidates for a long-term relationship or marriage. Men can have children all their life, as long as they have sperm. A woman's fertility is finite. Yes, it's the biological clock screaming at her to do this. However, it has nothing to do with her ability to handle a relationship with a man. Circumstances play a large part in why she has not found a partner. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:38:01 PM | Here is a thought... America, home of the born HILLBILLY. Brothers and sisters getting married and don't have a clue. The year 2037, the news headline: "Ya'll know now we found ut, mama was doing cuzin floyd, but my brother was pickin his nose wit his extra arm while donatin to the sperm bank and makin offspring for my kid to marry anonomysly"
How many kids does your doner have? What if little Timmy knocks up little Tammy, his biological sister by thier anonymous father?
I would rather have a screwed up family than a missing link family!
Look at all the British women knocked up by Canadian and Unites states men during world war 2... Ask them what they feel about being without dads. For all you know your doner might be a cuz from England.. Or a half brother...?! | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/16/2008 12:07:30 AM |
How many kids does your doner have? What if little Timmy knocks up little Tammy, his biological sister by thier anonymous father?
I'm offended by the way you worded it, but you have a point. Some of these donors have anywhere from 2-55 known offspring. Some of them have had vials of there stuff sold in the range of thousands of vials. Factor in the likelihood that half siblings will likely be approximately the same age, and live in the same area, and figure that there are roughly 40000 kids born this way each year, and it becomes very likely. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/16/2008 12:13:04 AM |
However, it has nothing to do with her ability to handle a relationship with a man.
I'm not sure that's true. In fact I would speculate that the fact that she could be so flippant about a man's role in the raising of his and her children is in fact an indicator of her attitude toward men in general. I can see where they would very much be related. | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/16/2008 6:59:16 AM |
Some of these donors have anywhere from 2-55 known offspring. Some of them have had vials of there stuff sold in the range of thousands of vials. Factor in the likelihood that half siblings will likely be approximately the same age, and live in the same area, and figure that there are roughly 40000 kids born this way each year, and it becomes very likely.
Reputable sperm banks limit the number of offspring from a given donor within the same geographical area. The sperm bank that I am using limits the number of pregnancies to 10.
In fact I would speculate that the fact that she could be so flippant about a man's role in the raising of his and her children is in fact an indicator of her attitude toward men in general. I can see where they would very much be related.
You can speculate all you want. What it really says about these women is that they have high standards, and choose not to be in any relationship just to not be alone. None of the women I know are in the least flippant about a man’s role. Quite the opposite, in fact. They are well aware of the role and have chosen not to enter into a tenuous relationship with someone they know isn’t right for them.
I think this is totally wrong, why should the rest of society pay for a kid with no dad ?
I think if people want to have kids then they should prove they can support one first.
Statistically, these women have higher than average incomes, even when compared to the average 2 parent household. Society is not financially supporting these children! | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:23:03 AM | I think this is totally wrong, why should the rest of society pay for a kid with no dad ?
Ha! That's a good one!! Who do you think pays for all those single moms on social assistance?? There's quite a few who don't even know who the father of their children is. But I guess that's ok though because it was done the traditional way. Ya right!
Women can choose to have children the way they want. Not everyone wants to be in a platonic relationship just because society says it's the right thing to do. We have choices!! | |
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| Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!!
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:34:31 AM |
think this is totally wrong, why should the rest of society pay for a kid with no dad ?
AI is so expensive and time consuming that I doubt many women who can't pay bills already are considering it as an option. I think you're safe on that one as part of society. The ones who are having kids naturally and irresponsibly with men who don't care to stay and take part might be more of a concern to you, and they're more common.
The friends I have are considering it mainly because they can afford the process, the child and the couple years of being able to work at home or enough savings and/or investments for raising that child at home in some cases. They are women who make over 75k a year...and are more than prepared for the expense. | |
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