| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:08:27 AM | My son will always come first. Since he is being evaluated for Autism, I realize that is alot of baggage for a guy to take on. Which may be why I am a little hesitant.
I would expect a man to always put his kids before me, but if we are serious and he does not include me in their lives, I would feel as if I am inferior or unworthy. I would also take offense if the other parent is allowed to have a place between us. If I am not defended when the other parent talks crap about me, then there is a problem.
Baby Daddy, or Mommy drama is a hardship on many relationships. I am willing to come second to the kids, but not the other parent. I guess in an ideal relationship the other parent and I would be friends, helping solve some of the drama. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:53:47 AM | I agree with the above posters about balance.
Above are good examples of where a child comes first, they have a school function, they are sick etc... yup come first on these types of situations. But is that always the case because for me it depends on the situation. If my daughter called me when I was on a date and said that she missed me or wanted me to come home and read a story then no I would not leave my date. Children need to have and learn boundaries in my opinion and this is one of them. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:38:31 PM | BTW, rjpeagles. It looks as if you are dating a single mom. Do you sit at home six nights a week, or do you have another relationship on the side?
Quirky, we are both single parents--you didn't notice the part of my profile that states I have children? Maybe because my profile does not state "my children on my top priority"... LOL... but...
My oldest son lives primarily with me, my youngest primarily with his mother. My ex and I live 10 minutes from each other and have never lived more than 15 minutes from each other since we separated 7 years ago. My oldest stays with his mother every Tuesday and every other weekend. My youngest stays with me on a 2 week schedule of Wed/Thu one week then Monday & weekend the next week. The weekends coincide so the boys are together every weekend, every Tuesday, and the weekdays that my youngest is at my house.
So to decipher all that, the only time I don't have at least one of my children in my house is every Tuesday and every other weekend.
My g/f and I live 40 miles from each other. My g/f and I have been seeing each other for 1 1/2 years now. The first 3 months I was dating someone else. My g/f did not meet my children for the first 5 1/2 months we were dating (2 1/2 months after we became exclusive). Now we spend every weekend together--my place when I have my kids, at her place when I don't have my kids. We also spend every Tuesday evening together.
But to answer the general question--if a woman didn't have the time to spend with me that I wanted from her then yes I would date others (and have done so in the past), and she would know about it. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:35:43 PM |
That was my error, yes. By the way you posted, I assumed you did not...
I posted b/c I didn't feel like anybody had addressed the fundamental question of this thread.
Before I became the primary custodial parent of my oldest (and therefore had more free time) I fooled around, for a quick minute, with a single parent who also had a very demanding job. She complained about men who whined and demanded too much of her time . But she wouldn't date me b/c I told her she wouldn't have to worry about me bugging her. I would find other things to occupy my time.  She didn't like that idea. She wanted a man would sit at home waiting on her phone calls.
The problem I see is that a lot of folks on here equate "dating" with "committed relationship". In my world, dating comes first and ocassionally leads to a committed relationship. It's been rare in my lifetime that I dated a woman who was leading a life of abstinence at the moment I met her.
If you are a single parent (man or woman) who has very little time to date or spend time with someone then I think you are being naive' if you think that other person isn't spending their free time getting their needs met else where. That's just my humble opinion on the subject. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:29:08 PM | I've dated a man who had two little girls, and yes they came first, but I knew this going into the relationship. SO I guess I did come second but I never felt as if I was second. It was all about balance in the relationship. We would have our "date" nights were it would just be the two of us and then we would have "kids choice" where the girls would choose where the four of us went and did something together but there would also be times when I would be at home with one of the girls and he would take the other girl out to do something.
Am I willing to come second? I don't think there is a need to come second.....
Brat | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:26:26 AM |
Am I willing to come second? I don't think there is a need to come second.....
I've been trying to put this idea into words, but I think you did it better than I possibly could. Beautifully written. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:19:02 AM | | I have not read all posts so maybe this has already been said, but would you date a single parent who didnt put there kids first, I mean if you are dating with the intent of hopefully starting a relationship and maybe one day have kids of your own with this person would you want to think that your kids wouldnt come first either that neither there kids or yours are the most important thing in there lives. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:11:44 AM | | I date a woman occasionally that has two children and I have to hand it to her...she always deals with her children first weather it be a ball game or school activities.I have no problem with it...have gone to some of their functions.I raised three that werent mine and had two more...know very well how difficult it is to raise them and couldnt imagine being alone doing it!They couldnt ask for a better mom! | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:42:46 AM | My view on it is simple.
Single parent or not, a person is either looking for a partnership or they are not. And there is a glaring number of people out there not looking for a real partnership.
I've met great single mothers who do their best and are looking to help their situation and try to be fair about things.
I've also met some single mothers, an alarming number of them, who are just looking for a guy with a house and regular paycheck and can provide an extra set of hands.
I think I can speak for most single childless males in that there is either a place for us in an existing family dynamic or there is not. Too often I see this sick power play by people who want to tell others about "this comes first" or "you need to do this to be with me"
There are definitely things people should talk about before getting into a relationship, single parents or not, but there is also a time and place and a tactful way to address certain subjects. Anyone who wants to just blurt out, "My kids come first and if you don't like it, you can walk" probably has much bigger issues going on than just not finding a date.
It's not attractive, it's not diplomatic, it's not creating the perception that you are looking for a real partnership. Any guy worth having is going to hear that and walk. I'm sure someone will pipe up, "Well that's not what I mean, it means this" Yeah who cares what you mean. If 99 percent of guys get turned off by it, who cares what you mean? What you mean isn't going to help you get a date. It's not going to make you any happier. It's not going to make your life any easier. I could write about a billion things on my profile that are offensive and hint at things to women. I could say "Well this is what I mean" and it means nothing, because if 99 percent of women get turned off by it, then I have failed in communicating to them.
First or second?
I say partner or not.
Anyone who wants to shove the "My kids come first" cliche in my face is probably not looking for a partner. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:37:58 AM |
I've also met some single mothers, an alarming number of them, who are just looking for a guy with a house and regular paycheck and can provide an extra set of hands.
I think I can speak for most single childless males in that there is either a place for us in an existing family dynamic or there is not. Too often I see this sick power play by people who want to tell others about "this comes first" or "you need to do this to be with me"
I agree. I have a few female friends who are just like that, looking for somebody to come along to solve their problems... But sadly there is a huge number of women with children who do not put them first. They go out all the time. They bring guys in and out of their kids' lives.
My son will come first. But that does not mean I will not accept somebody being there along side me. I do not demand a man help me raise my son. If he falls in love with him, then all the better, but in the end, he is not his father and it is not his job. I would rather a guy be there along side me for me. There is always room in my heart for somebody, loving a child and a significant other are two totally different types of love. I think the children coming first is the same as if the guy's parents are sick and need his help. If I cannot back off and let him do what is needed for his family, what type of person am I?
I think my views of my son coming first are simple. His dr appointments, school stuff, those type of things are more important than a date. If I do not have daycare then I do not go out. But there is nothing wrong with having a person come over after the kids are in bed and just chill watching a movie. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:09:00 PM | I try to schedule any dates around my daughters schedule. So in that case yes she comes first. I havent been in a committed relationship since my divorce. I hope that when it happens we will be able to work things out with everyone.
Also while I am just starting to date someone, I dont care if they are dating others. After all this is just a time to get to know each other, but once we a relationship starts even if it is only seeing each other once a week there should be no one else for either of us. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:39:42 PM |
Also while I am just starting to date someone, I dont care if they are dating others. After all this is just a time to get to know each other, but once we a relationship starts even if it is only seeing each other once a week there should be no one else for either of us.
Well put bev. That's my same way of thinking. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:24:11 PM |
the balancing comes in when people allow the children to run their lives
Packagedealx3
That's my point..
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't depending on the person, children, place and thing.. Sometimes the balancing doesn't work because of current events or interpersonal relationships... There are many reason to list, can anyone list them all? If you are dating someone who is not flexible with children (their or your), personal commitments, social events. Then I would ask myself if this person will be flexible if and when this relationship runs in a more serious direction. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/16/2008 5:06:12 PM | I'm a single mom and I have a relationship with a man whose very busy with his hobbies. In regard to his 'hobbies' I know I come in second. Conversely, he has always been second to the needs of my children-whose needs will always supercede his anyway. He has no children nor does he desire any-but he's always been wonderful to my kids.
I try to balance my family life with my career and him-but often times my family and job tend to come first, but at the same time, he has a lot of interests that take away any possible time that we could spend together. The thing is-it's not the amount of time I spend with him that matters as the quality time we share. I am not ready to commit to him or anyone else, but I do like adult companionship-which he provides for me. Perhaps it's not an ideal scenario for some people but it works for US.
I've tried dating single dads but our schedules conflicted so badly we had no time to see each other. Not to say if a single dad wanted to date me I'd say no, but I'm pretty smitten with my man friend, even when there are times weeks go by before we get to see each other. I've always put my kids needs first-hubby ( when we were a couple) came second-then I came third. Even saying that, I've had to do juggling acts with the priorities of the moment-but I've always tried to balance my time and attention evenly to everyone.
My younger kids still need me and if I have to pass up a date with the man-so be it. He does get pissy when he wants me to see him and I can't just drop and go, and there are times I wish I could, but I love both my kids and him and try to make things work as smoothly as possible, even if his pride gets a little ruffled. My older kids have shown me that I won't always be needed, but so long as my children do-their needs will always come first, but that doesn't mean I don't make time for me.
It's all a matter of importance-and that changes on a daily basis. I am not in an exclusive relationship because it's my choice-but I choose only to see the man I'm with and I've told him so. I know, for the most part, he's just seeing me, but I couldn't fault him if he wanted to be with a woman who had more flexibility....but I'm glad he cares enough about me to show it....and I'm happy that I think enough about myself to make the time for him-and for my kids too. It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile is. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:48:11 PM |
I've always put my kids needs first-hubby ( when we were a couple) came second-then I came third.
When I read this, I realized the issue that the original poster and several other people had. The problem is that they want to come first in their partner's life, not second. However, they are not willing to put their partner (and/or their partner's children) before themselves.
In a relationship, if each person works to make sure the other's needs are met, then nobody needs to worry about who is first or second. If one person puts their own needs first, resentment can creep in quickly. If both people put their needs first, then the relationship is pretty much over. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/16/2008 8:27:22 PM | | This is a question I've been pondering myself.After 22 years of putting my husband first and then keeping my children and their needs at the top of the list,I realize, now that my husband has walked out "just because" that I deserve to come in at an equal first.I have been a stay at home mom for 15 years.All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother and nothing else.This was very important to both of us.Now I find myself at 43 yrs old,with out a husband,2 teens to handle and no job or career in sight.I will never be put any lower than 1st place ever again.But kids rank right up there as well. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/16/2008 8:43:44 PM | | well said lynsteph. Each relationship is individualized. yes, my kids come first, they always will. but I will not neglect my relationship or put my partner last to everything else. My last relationship ended more or less because I didn't come first. ( or second, third or even 4th) And he didn't even HAVE kids. I came last, after a video game, his truck, himself. I walked. couldn't be happier. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:23:07 PM | | Another point that has not been addressed is the age of the child. It stands to reason that the younger the child, the more they will need their parent. Of course your children always need you but the needs change as they grow older. Parenting teens takes a lot of time in a different way. I like what was said you meet your child's needs first! | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:38:30 PM | HAHAHAHAHAHA---I am going to say"Wrong" as a single parent yes my kids come first guess who comes second? Me. If I am not taking care of myself then how will I ever take care of my kids. Can you handle being third in line of priorities? Anyway, I have no problem being 2nd or even third or fourth. I even have put my s/o kids before me making myself 3rd. Who would compete to be ahead of children anyway?
I have been in a place where I put a s/o before me and look where I am...
Blessed Be
NW | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/17/2008 11:21:55 PM | The thing is it really doesn't matter where you 'come in'-but it does matter if you are happy with the relationship that you are in. Everyone has needs-and I certainly make sure mine are met-cuz if mommy ain't happy than no one else will be either...lol. I do understand that we all want to feel important and significant in our relationships but that is only going to happen if we communicate our needs. I will not defend my need to look out for the interests of my children with anyone-it's a moot point as far as I'm concerned.
I just came back from a wonderful evening with the man friend. It had been a couple of weeks since I saw him and I have to say we had a great evening together. Yes, his work and hobbies limit the time we get to spend together-but he MADE the time to see me tonight-took me out to dinner-donned me with a lot of affection and before I left he gave me money for the babysitter. To be honest-his actions showed me that I matter to him and I'm a significant person in his life-so in that respect-I don't much care where I 'come in'. He makes me happy and I know I make him happy and that's all anyone can hope for at the end of the day.
I am a lucky woman to have him in my life and even when there are times I do feel like second fiddle-his actions always remind me I'm the number one lady in his life...and that suits me just fine. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:55:02 AM | This is horrible to admit but men have been coming in 3rd or 4th in my priorities lately. I'm too busy with kids, work, sports and myself. I made the decision a couple of weeks ago to quit dating for a while because I just don't have time to put into anyone.
But to the OP's question. I was dating a guy in the fall who I was up front with about my lack of available time and general unwillingness for anything seriously. And he was up front he wasn't going to stop dating if I wasn't going to be available. We see each other occasionally and enjoy each others company but make no plans. We go through periods were we have no contact because he becomes serious with a woman. I don't mind coming in #2 because it takes the pressure off me. I get to do all the couple stuff, have someone remind me I'm a woman and he gets to enjoy my sparking personality lol.
But I don't think I'd be cool being a relationship with someone who was in a relationship with a multitude of other women. How would he keep us all straight, how would he really get to know any one person. I guess I can share someone physically but I couldn't share them emotionally or sexually, call me petty lol. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/18/2008 5:23:13 AM | Wow i guess i'm lucky my 15 yr old daughters needs are not so great anymore she has a much better social life than me !!! pmsl Shes always been my no1 priortity and i have stayed single for some time now and made sacrifices along the way, trouble is i find myself in on my own alot now  Surely anyone dating a single parent must understand that circumstances arise that lower them in the pecking order ???? and if they dont what the hell are you doing with them ???? | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/18/2008 5:39:50 AM | I think that there are a few other things’ that need to be thought of here.
For example I think it really depends on how old the child/ren are and what they have been use to as well. And what I mean by that is take me for example yes my daughter comes first before everything else, not saying that I would push a SO to the side or anything like that because she wanted me to, but right now she is 2 1/2 ok, well all her life it has just been me and her. Yes I would not introduce her to someone I was dating for a long while, BUT she has been use to me with her all the time and it just being me and her that if I were to get into a relationship with someone else it would have to be at a slow pace. If that mean's that we only see each other 1-2 times a week due to things coming up and you don’t like that then I am sorry but don’t date me.
I would not want to change things to much for my daughter at this point because it could cause more problems later on down the road. I mean my daughter does well with change but if she didn’t for example, then I would not make things harder on her and make her feel like she is being neglected (sp). Yes I understand that you put your child first with their needs (they are well taken care of, an event for their school or anything else) but what about thinking about their mental stability? I would rather know that someone was with me for me and working with me on the 1-2 days a week and helping me to help my daughter adjust then just pushing my daughter back so that I can have a dating life and hope that it doesn’t cause problems with her mentally wise, which could cause more problems in the relationship you are in. Get what I am saying? | |
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