| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:08:09 PM | | If I see "my kids come first" on a profile that is about as insightful to me as if they had stated "I have a pulse" or "my head is attached to my body." Of course kids come first, but one thing I have an issue is people who constantly drive the point home to those they date. My kid comes first, but I never say that, and I would never want my significant other to feel unimportant with such simple-minded, useless statements. I make time for my gf all the time, and let her know she plays a hugely important role in my life, and I still spend lots of time with my lil girl. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/18/2008 2:02:00 PM | If I'm constantly coming in a distant second or on the bottom of the heap, then pardon the cliche' but he's just not that into me, and it's time for me to make a graceful exit.
Agreed...children's needs should always come first but it's not generally a 24/7 situation (especially when custody is shared). If it starts to feel like a "convenient" way out of spending time with you then it's time to re-evaluate things and move on. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:37:52 PM |
HOWEVER, if my lack of happiness is making my life miserable and so on and so forth, and if being with someone makes me feel happy
I have to say something here... If you don't take care of yourself FIRST how can you take care of your kids? If you're seriously depressed, you CAN'T. There are some instances where it's MOST important to take care of yourself | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/19/2008 6:18:05 PM |
I have to say something here... If you don't take care of yourself FIRST how can you take care of your kids? If you're seriously depressed, you CAN'T. There are some instances where it's MOST important to take care of yourself
Exactly! If the foolish Capt sinks the ship it doesn't matter how smart the deckhands are. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/20/2008 9:15:32 AM | Alot of people who are quick to tell another that they are second usualy want to be first...i mean how could the other person have any priorities above them the best chance anyone has of being with someone who will put their children first is to stay with the one you made them with. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/20/2008 9:43:29 AM | i just ended a relationship with someone who was near and dear to me, but was very jealous of other things in my life. And when my kids came to stay with me for the summer that trend carried over. Now of course she would never admit or probably doesn't even feel as though she's jealous of my kids, but I could tell, and I wasn't okay with that. In fact it was deal breaker when she said "I don't think you can do both" meaning her and my kids like somehow I was supposed to choose. Loved her to death, but I'm sorry I don't roll like that. My kids will ALWAYS come first in my life.
I have no problem coming second to someones kids, because I know how it is! | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:37:35 PM | | well i think that whoever you get with needs to understand the kid or kids come first. if they cant then they need to go elsewhere. i think its selfish of some people who try to get there partner to put them first. my son was here first therefore he is # 1 | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:09:26 PM | No. I will never put my kids first. 
Its no wonder that this world if full of people with a "me me" mentality. How are kids going to learn about adult relationships if we put our kids first at the expense of these relationships. We are not doing our kids any good doing so.
The adult relationship always needs to be first. Kids will and do work at breaking up relationships. The evidence is there. Find it on stepfamily websites and in books.
I've done the research, and gathered the knowlege.
I sincerely believe that any woman/man we bring into our lives needs to be our main priority. Thats not saying we neglect our children, because we dont. I've been in a blended family situation already. It broke for reasons of our relationship not being put first. I deserve to be first priority to my mate. Children come and grow. All we are left with is our partner when the kids leave.
Do we really want to be alone just because we had kids??
I love my kids, but not enough to give up my life for them. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/21/2008 10:16:34 PM | Any good single parent is going to put whomever they are interested in behind their kids UNTIL they prove themselves. Anything less would be a damn fool!
Single parents have been raising their kids for years thus a great bond is there so I wouldn't want to be placed first for quite some time. It's my job to earn your trust as well as your whole family's trust and only then can I be honored to be your man and either a dad to our kids or a stepdad to them. We all work very hard and give all the love we can for our precious kids so it's the only right.
Yes, I'll raise my son alone if I can't find a good woman who doesn't believe in the same. I'll be ecstatic if I do meet a woman who does believe in the same but won't hold her kids back from knowing me at the get go. After all, I'm a devote Catholic Christian who only wants the best for everybody and for the woman who is interested in me, never hold anything back from me.
I don't care if she's heavy set or thin, what matters most is if her attitude on life is to achieve our goals for our kids and their goals first then our goals second no matter how hard we have to work and sacrifice for them, she and I will always have each other forever. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/22/2008 1:59:33 AM | When dating a single parent, you know kids' needs come first. By mentioning it again, you don't advertise "I'm a great mom/dad". You advertise "You'll never be important, get used to it".
Thanks but no, thanks. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:00:15 AM | yes I willing to come second, after kids , when my partner with children
has time to share with me , an effort must be made by both partner s to make
that time specil, also don t use the children as a wedge to keep us apart, | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/22/2008 1:41:37 PM | | I just finished dating a guy who had 3 boys.. They did not live with him.. but were with him weekends and basically when ever they wanted.. he and ex shared joint custody. I knew that he would not have a lot of time for me.. but the time we did spend together was great.. I went into it with the understanding that I was not a priority in his life because his children are still young.. one of the things that made him most attractive to me was that he was such a dedicated father. It just comes with the territory. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/22/2008 4:17:42 PM | | no i do not agree with esquao! yeah a man needs to be a priority! but why put your kids after a man. the child is the mos important thing that should matter the most! if the man cant except it then to bad. i cant believe you have kids and dont put them first shame on you! | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/22/2008 4:40:59 PM | I just love how people make comment's like this:
Children come and grow. All we are left with is our partner when the kids leave.
I guess you are among the one's that dont believe that relationship's break up at any age. Yes children do grow and leave the home but guess what they are ALWAYS part of your life, a partner on the other hand can walk out the door at any time and never be part of your life again, so is that who you want to put first, someone who may not be there in the morning, or would you rather put someone who is going to be there in your life all the time but maybe from a distance first????
Myself your child always comes first, and at any age, it is just for diffrent things as they get older. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/22/2008 4:53:58 PM |
Children come and grow. All we are left with is our partner when the kids leave.
When an older woman told me this when I was young, I didn't get it. Now that my kids are teenagers, I get. My kids needs have to come before the man in my life and I'd hope any man I'd be in a relationship would understand this. When my kids were younger their needs were high and I couldn't maintain a healthy relationship but now they are older I have more time to put into someone. And now I get that quote, the person I choose needs to have more common interests then just raising a family with me. When I look at possible men, I wonder will I be willing to share my arthritis meds with him so we can play gin when we are old. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:41:56 PM |
if you are too busy to spend much more than a nominal amount of time with the person you are DATING would you mind or object to him/her seeing other people?
If you are spending only a nominal amount of time with the person, then you likely are not in an exlcusive relationship. If you are not in an exlusive relationship, then either of you is free to see other people.
I am a single parent, and I have a close friend who is a single parent. We dated for a time, but decided that the timing was wrong for a relationship. We both appreciated that the children's need were the most important (not their every whim or desire, but their needs), and our relationships with our kids were also important. We arranged our time with each other to not interfere with these things, and neither of us ever felt unimportant. In fact, with our ongoing friendship, we have each formed relationships with the other person's children as well. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/28/2008 7:07:32 PM | In a perfect world, one of the most important things two parents can do for their kids is provide an example of two people so committed to each other that absolutely nothing can divide them, including the kids. They are each other's top priority, who then in turn as a single unit make the kids their joint top priority.
So in a word, no. I'm not willing to come second. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/28/2008 8:57:42 PM | | First of all i have to disagree with kids come first SOME of the time...kids come first ALL of the time...depending on their ages i think that the younger ones need attention from both the biological parent and their partner...i feel that once you make that connection with the kids you have it made..but if your trying to challenge any kid with their parents your going to loose and i will smile at that because no adult should try and challenge any kid when it comes to their parent. Kids are kids and if the guy your dating is not giving you the attention you want when the kids are around then i might have to say that maybe he's not respecting you either...its not hard to know how to spread some love around to everyone if that is what u choose to do....but never compete with kids when it comes to love and attention because in the end you will look like the crazy one and you will loose! | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:17:08 PM | | I am a single Dad, I have raised 5 children as a single Man. I have tryed to date woman with children. its all in the way you look at life. my youngest ones are now 17 1/2..twin girls, I got them when the girls where 5 years old. yes my children came first in our family time, now the children are older its easer to put the children in the back..I have tought all the children to look at the world with an open mind. We all have needs. life is good and I never lost sleep from the woman that wanted my attention 24/7..My children never got that after age 12. if you teach them to fish!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:46:33 PM | | I have joint custody and my residence makes his attending the local school possible. I was in a long term relationship which ended badly, some of it due to her feeling she had no input in raising my son. When the bological parents seperate, we all tend to try and compensate but we can never replace the other. The "other" person no matter how hard they try can never take away a parents love and in this way the kids always stay #1. Since I have every other weekend free, I generally visited my girlfriend and stayed with her. When my son is with me no one stays over night, that time is reserved for being the parent and time for family things. However in a few short years hes off to college and I am going to be alone. So I reconcile that since we broke up I focus on raising my son and am not really interested in chasing anyone. I date and go out, hoping I will find my soul mate, but realize I must remain focused on improving me. I go to the health club mon-fri, listen to my sermons on radio, attend church, work and raise my kid and have become detached from looking and searching. I believe the right 1 will come along eventually either now or later and my experiences have been pretty good following this train of thought. My "new" girlfriend is #1 in my heart but my son is # 1 in my program, if she moves onto a new "friend" and kicks me to the curb the program is in place and no disruptions occur. I know with Gods help I will endure the heart ache but to throw your kid to the sideline and pursue a woman exclusively at the expense of my son is not going to happen. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:27:55 PM | To me, this need for a man to be the absolute first thing in my life denotes a lack of self security, and that's a huge turn off for me.
Second, I don't understand why not coming first to me since I'm a single mum justifies having to accept some sort of open relationship.
Thirdly, what's so wrong about putting the kids first? They are two different types of love altogether, having kids is not a form of infidelity on the new partner.
I would totally understand and accept coming second to a single dad who has kids to look after, and I hope to find somebody mature enough to understand why my little one has to come first, and stop making silly theories about how he should make me pay for it. | |
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