| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:01:56 PM |
To me, this need for a man to be the absolute first thing in my life denotes a lack of self security, and that's a huge turn off for me.
+1
Even attempting to broach this subject with me would be like euthanizing the relationship. God willing my son puts me in a box and sends me on my way to the Elysium Fields. I cannot ask that of anyone else. He comes first but if she accepts that she will be lavished with as much love as I can provide.
O | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:39:00 PM | I think it's great that there is a variety of opinions on here about how it is best to raise kids. No one has the absolute truth. Everyone just has opinions. What one person describes as balance another thinks is skewed towards one extreme or the other. that said, here is my two cents.
I personally think kids develop best when they are given a fair amount of autonomy and expected to use their own creativity to overcome boredom and loneliness. Self soothing, facing limitation, being sometimes put on a back burner to other priorities parents have, are all things that build character, creativity and resilience in kids, preparing them for the real world. Some parents I think run around trying to make sure their kids are always entertained. Kids can also grow up with a ridiculous sense of entitlement, as they play divorced parents off against each other, with each trying to out perform the other in how giving and attentive they can try to prove they are to the child.
Why do you need to go to all the kid's plays? Can't the dad go to some and the mom go to others? I can see if the kid is sick, because care then is a need and if it's your night to have the kids, it's your night to deal with any illness that might arise, but a school play? Do both parents really have to go to all of them? I grew up in a two parent household, and I can only recall a handful of events where both my parents where there. Usually either my mom came or my dad came.
Children of divorce are growing up spoiled, with an inflated sense of entitlement, and that is a real shame. But that's just my opinion. That's how it looks based on how I was raised. I wasn't catered to every minute, and I grew up very self-sufficient, have been very successful in all my endeavors, and have even traveled the world on my own. I am very close to my mother who is still living, and was close to my father until he passed away. My family has always encouraged me to follow my own interests and they're very proud of me now.
If I was dating a man who was raising his kids to be little princes and princesses, I'd definitely disappear fast. I couldn't bear to watch kids being warped like that, not to mention my not being willing to ever live with the little monsters he'd be creating, despite his best ill-informed intentions. Let him find a doormat bride who will help him teach his kids that they are the center of the universe. I'm beginning to better understand where American foreign policy is born. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:22:45 PM | | The OP's original question had nothing to do with whether or not we should put our children first. The subject is whether or not a very busy single parent is willing to date someone who is not exclusive to them. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:55:55 PM |
The OP's original question had nothing to do with whether or not we should put our children first. The subject is whether or not a very busy single parent is willing to date someone who is not exclusive to them.
Believe it or not, responders to a thread actually are allowed to respond to other posts on a thread, not just direct all responses to the OP. For example, this response is directed at yours, rjp.
To elaborate on my previous post, since apparently that is being requested, not only do I not think single parents should put their children on a pedestal, but on a completely unrelated note, I don't think open relationships ever work, with or without children in the picture.
The OP's juxtaposition of the two ideas reveals his lack of understanding of the rationale behind open relationships, and your commitment to trying to refocus the thread on that narrow concept suggests that you share his misconception. When people have open relationships it is not about putting their partners in second place. No one would agree to open relationships if that was the case, not the man or the woman. So there is no parallel to the idea of single parents putting dating partners in second place or not.
In open relationships the primary partner is always exactly that, primary. One person solely is their boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, but they each date other people in purely physical dalliances. The two reasons the relationships usually don't work out is that: 1) eventually one of the parties falls in love with one of the people they had been just sleeping with and decides to make that person their new significant other, or 2) one party decides they are no longer interested in sampling the rest of the menu and wants to go exclusive, but the other partner wants things to stay open. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:08:37 PM | | This is MY opinon but there should be sperate time for you and that somebody and then time spent with the kids because every once in awhile you are GOING to have to, put the one your in an relationship with first and NOT make her/him feel like they are the back burner or you'll relationship will not work out. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:29:05 AM | SerenityBreeze,
Why do you need to go to all the kid's plays? Can't the dad go to some and the mom go to others? I can see if the kid is sick, because care then is a need and if it's your night to have the kids, it's your night to deal with any illness that might arise, but a school play? Do both parents really have to go to all of them?
For me, it's not about making sure that either my ex or I is there for the child, it's about wanting to be there for my own sake, whether the ex goes or not. This isn't an example of putting your child first. It's an example of being honestly intersted in your child's life.
In fact, a friend of mine has a kid in high school. I recently went to one of his band performances. It wasn't about showing support for him or anything like that. I was invited to go, and I wanted to see him perform. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:56:00 PM | | Well sure, I'm a full time Dad and know what it's like, so if she has kids I can understand her position, parenting is all about sacrifice and love. Just make the time you do have together special, when ya can't be alone take all the kids, most kids are happy doing anything fun. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 7/1/2008 4:20:23 AM | Believe it or not, responders to a thread actually are allowed to respond to other posts on a thread, not just direct all responses to the OP.
Believe it or not serenity there are already scores of other threads about "my children come first".
And there are other threads about "open relationships".
This thread, based on what I read in the first MSG, is about whether or not you would have an open relationship based on a person's current circumstances--kids; job; schooling; etc.
You may like to rehash the same subject over and over again in multiple threads, but I don't.
And BTW, I've seen open relationships that do work and as well as those that don't work. And the ones that don't work fail for the same reasons that any other relationship fails. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:18:59 PM | This thread, based on what I read in the first MSG, is about whether or not you would have an open relationship based on a person's current circumstances--kids; job; schooling; etc.
That is absolutely not my reading of the OP. I think the responses on this thread relate to the OP quite well. True, they don't restrict themselves to just the final question of the OP, but even that question I read more broadly than you.
When I read the OP, my attention focuses on:
We all know that the "kids come first".
I think a lot of the other responders also focused on that. Unlike many other threads where people all agree that children always come first, on this thread it seems there is a genuine discussion about both sides of that issue. I think that makes for a unique and valuable discussion, even though it isn't a discussion of an entirely new subject. Furthermore, if one does not accept that initial premise of the question, that the kids come first, then the final clause is moot.
Even if the intention of the OP was as narrow as your interpretation, why do you find it your duty to keep scolding people for focusing on the parts of the post that interest them? No one but you seems to be having a problem with the conversation the way it is flowing. If you have something to say about the subject that interests you, go ahead and say it. If people find it interesting they will respond in kind. If they aren't doing that, maybe they are less interested in the aspect of the topic that fascinates you. Is that allowed? | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:13:51 PM | ...why do you find it your duty to keep scolding people ...
I missed the part where I scolded anyone. Please enlightening me by using your cutting and pasting skills.
Is that allowed?
Seems you are the only one putting restrictions on what someone is allowed to post here. I merely reiterate the original premise. As I stated, there are scores of "my children are my first priority" threads running rampant.
How about an original thought on the subject? I only pose the question in different forms in hopes that someone new may comes along without regurgitating what is already a given. The OP already assumes that anyone answering is putting their children first. Now, what comes next when you meet someone brand new and they have a lot more free time than you have?
My opinion? I believe most people want to keep their head in the sand and not think about the possibility that the person they have just starting dating, who has a lot more free time, is most likely keeping themself occupied during those "busy" stretches.
serendipity, I would think someone living in Berkeley would want to have a little deeper conversation on any subject beyond the pedestrian cliches'. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:44:54 AM | | The original question was definitely intended to be narrow in scope regarding being non-exclusive in a time-challenged environment something else (kids in this case) is a priority. My apologies if it didn't come across that way. I was hoping to avoid a discussion on whether kids come first or not by just assuming that to be the case. As an aside, I'm a bit surprised at the lack of expressed opinions that flat out say, "my kids first, you second, but I have to be your first priority, full stop". | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:30:07 PM | The original question was definitely intended to be narrow in scope regarding being non-exclusive in a time-challenged environment something else (kids in this case) is a priority. My apologies if it didn't come across that way...
I thought you stated you original question pretty clearly iqf. I actually had a sidebar conversation with someone who admitted that they really don't want to think of the possibility that when they are really busy that the person they are dating may be seeing someone else.
As an aside, I'm a bit surprised at the lack of expressed opinions that flat out say, "my kids first, you second, but I have to be your first priority, full stop".
I have a friend who thinks just like that. She has a child, demanding job, and is pursuing a Ph. D. She expects any man she dates not to bug her about spending time together. But on the other had she expects men to drop everything when her schedule permits. That's one of the reasons she and I never dated. I had told her she wouldn't have to worry about me bugging her. I would find other things to do keep me occupied. She didn't like that idea. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:24:21 PM | If somebody is too busy with themselves then best not to date them. Their present situation is building upon themselves so let them do it. If they're looking for love then they need to cut down what they're doing to sacrifice half of their lives for good time to devote to another person who also wants love otherwise setting both up for failure.....
Open relationships are another substitute BS reason for a weak couple. I'm sorry to say that I know a few and can't stand them, always fighting over something. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:26:42 PM |
I have a friend who thinks just like that. She has a child, demanding job, and is pursuing a Ph. D. She expects any man she dates not to bug her about spending time together. But on the other had she expects men to drop everything when her schedule permits. That's one of the reasons she and I never dated. I had told her she wouldn't have to worry about me bugging her. I would find other things to do keep me occupied. She didn't like that idea.
How would you feel if she agreed to this arrangement, but made it clear that she would also see other guys as well? After all, you can't expect her to wait for you if you're out with somebody else when she has free time, right? | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:57:09 PM | I think you would never have an relationship work out/last if you do NOT put aside some time for you and your partner/boyfriend (who may may NOT live w/you) if you constantly give an excuse or, keep putting the man off because ANY man/woman will move on and not worry about it anymore....But there is an seperate time for your "parent life" and your "social life"....
GOOD LUCK OP! | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:19:03 AM |
How would you feel if she agreed to this arrangement, but made it clear that she would also see other guys as well? After all, you can't expect her to wait for you if you're out with somebody else when she has free time, right?
Obviously I wouldn't have a problem with it...if I did I would be a hypocrite, and that's something I definitely am not. But I do know and have observed many people who are hypocrites when it comes to the rules of dating.
And that's why people need to be a little prudent, observant, and inquisitive before "committing" to a relationship. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:15:51 PM | I think its pretty simple for me, its about balance. If I want to have a relationship I will have to make time for it. Yes, if my daughter is sick or something else comes up then I will be there for. If I am out on a date and she just wants dad to be home becasue she misses me, sorry won't happen.
I think I read something on here once that said, when you are dating yes the children do come first, with reason of course, but when you either live together or get married then the family comes first which means everyone within it.
Pretty novel concept huh | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/11/2008 1:05:21 PM | As a past single parent,I totally agree with you. I even quit dating for several years because men seemed to have a problem with the fact that I not only had a kid but that he came first, ALWAYS!!!!!!! Stick to your guns and do what you think is right for you and your kids and forget people that don't understand. My son is my pride and joy and has turned into a fine man. He has given me 4 incredible grandsons and I still think the day he was born was the best day of my life. good luck finding a woman who has her head on right about this. i find most women today are so self centered that they can not stand not being first.
Take care and be proud of your way of doing this. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/11/2008 1:56:13 PM | | I wouldn't have a problem being second in a person's life. I know what is involved with being a parent and how some "emergencies" arise. However, if it was very clear that the person's child was creating "emergencies" just so that dad would break a date with me, then there would be a problem. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/12/2008 1:15:28 PM | Here is my personal opinion. We are looking at 2 different situations.
1) Some parents let their children manipulate them so the child comes between the two dating and the one they are seeing feels of no value in that person's life. For example, the man makes plans for a date and the daughter, who is suppose to be at her mom's, calls dad to come get her because he told her he was going on a date. Dad cancels date because he has to go get daughter.
2) Childs basic needs of health, saftey, emotional security, education and morales/values every once in a while impact dating experience. This isn't that big of an issue as long as he doesn't make the person feel like you are last on his list and has no value in his life. Let her know she has value and keep the commitments that need to be kept and the exceptions to the rule will seem like no big deal. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/17/2008 5:10:42 PM | | my son as and always will come before anyone man anything my son is my baby always and ralationships come and go but my child is my boy for ever, his needs wants and everything in between some would say them i be single all my life so be it i know whom i truly am and need noone, ive been single since 1997 because I CHOOSE to deadicate my life to my child whats so wrong in that, yes the other person should come second | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/17/2008 5:23:03 PM | | sorry i dont agree i was a total spoilt kid even in my 30s i was my mother baby, now my sons 18yrs old and as always had the best tiys, cloths and scholing and still now as everything, hes had hoildays all over the world had a brand new moped on his 16th had on his 14th birthday his dream trip to new ork were we sayed in the best hotel and in all he had 5grand that birthday his 18 he had the car of his dreams parked out, BUT ive always made sure he knows material things are just there because hes a lucky boy its all the things like RESPECT for others, GOOD manners and treating other the way you expect to be treated your self, ive been a single mum since he was 7yrs old and hes now a very well mannered young man with 10 GCSE and 2 degrees behind him, he repects people and is a popular lad, we are very good friends and still close he confindes in me but still knows his boundries that AM the boss am his mom! to many messed up kids out there today and it all boils down to parents thinking that as soon as a kid can wipe his own butt thats their job done, being able to hug my son and say I LOVE be safe every time he leaves is the most speail thing | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/18/2008 3:59:12 AM | soccersweep...I so agree with you...I would add that loving yourself first is important. If you love yourself, it will give you the ability to love everyone around you...which gives you that ability to keep balance between everyone you love...
bigcutecuddly...you will be alone in a short time when your son finds a true love and doesn't have the time you need ...remember this thread never said the kids will put the parents first. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/18/2008 6:05:44 AM | I find this an absolutely ridiculous and extremely immature question to be honest!
So because a single parent wants to (quite rightly) put their children before any other they should be willing for said new partner to do what they wish. Grow up
Anyone who doesn't put their children before others doesn't deserve to be a parent in my opinion. And that does not mean that new partner will be ignored or less love, just that the children's needs (especially emotional) will always come first.
Jeez there are some idiots on this site | |
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