| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:54:05 AM | I think you've got the answer to this one; just reread everyone else's responses.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to talk about certain things.
There's everything wrong with false stories! | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:55:59 AM | should you start out a brand new relationship with a lie? Did I understand that correctly?
A better question should be 'Do you start out by telling the truth? Absolutely 
But, remember....No-one wants you to tell them every detail and there is a level of detail that is appropriate. Telling too much too soon isnt always good.
Learn how to communicate and ask questions. If you dont want to talk about something, say just that. 'Im not ready to talk about it' will work perfectly.
You dont have to tell everything at the beginning. And (with all due respect) you're absolutely correct....most women do NOT want to hear about how that last woman done you wrong. That can be shared later on down the road. The more intimate you become, the more intimate the details can get IF it doesnt make either party uncomfortable.
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:56:53 AM |
honesty isnt always the best policy as far as im concerned
Luckily women can just view the OP posts and see this Red Flag.
The OP is admitting that he will LIE to women on this site.
If you don't want to talk about something. That is one thing.
Saying that you will flat out LIE is another.
The really sad thing is, the OP doesn't even understand. But with
aggression, boozing, not working and generaly not giving a shit for anything or anyone and finished with me
I don't see lying as much of a stretch for the OP. The aggression part is what should REALLY be the Red Flag for women.
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:57:44 AM | Sometimes it's good to be aware what people are really asking for. No-one wants you to tell them every detail and there is a level of detail that is appropriate. Taking your story from msg 25 as an example, you might say, in response to "so how come you're here/single then?" something like:
"I haven't found the right person yet"
or
"the last few years have been pretty tough due to family drama and my relationship sadly didn't survive it".
You don't need to go into detail until later but you can give a ballpark answer. Mostly, people are just trying to make conversation and you can brush them off with a joke: "the monkeys controlling my mind made me do it!" and a quick change of topic. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:06:58 AM | Sanderdick: I can see your type a mile off.
You want to make yourself feel good by attempting to show the flaws in other people, I take it your from USA, but in Britain, your the type of lad that gets slapped about by people for trying to be that girls bestfriend. Your not clever, your a clown or jerkoff whatever your yank expression is for it. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:14:35 AM | | andrew, Im thinking you just said one of those things that is 'too much too soon'. You cant have thin skin if you start up a topic like this and ask our opinions. Youre gonna get this topic shut down, and then no one will know the opinions of others about the truth and when to tell it. Be cool :wink: | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:16:20 AM | Truth and honesty are a must. Believe me, Ive learned the hard way about how much one stands to lose by lying.
However, take your time with the more weighty issues as you get to know someone from here. Too much too fast and youll scare a girl away. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:18:20 AM |
"the last few years have been pretty tough due to family drama and my relationship sadly didn't survive it".
I think this is the perfect response. Then if your date asks more about it you can tell her you prefer not to talk about it right now. That way you aren't spilling your guts but you aren't lying either. Seems like a really simple solution, IMHO. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:25:57 AM | Can anyone say Anger Management Issues?
Lying should never be the first option, instead of speaking the truth, or saying that your not yet ready to talk about something.
The anger is from being confronted with the truth. But it will cause relationship trouble. Hence the RED FLAG warning.
aggression, boozing, not working and generaly not giving a shit for anything or anyone
This is part of a good article on Anger Management. This could be a root cause of the idea that lying is better than saying that your not ready to talk about something.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html
The OP should read the full article on the link and then go and seek counseling.
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:27:16 AM | I think the truth is always the best policy. If you tell a lie, you either will get caught or have to tell more to cover it up...that wicked web people weave!
If you tell the truth and that person doesn't want to continue, isn't it best to know ahead of time. You now know the person is not tolerant of a situation or is not the strong person that you need to stand by your side. I vote for the truth every single time. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:34:07 AM |
People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Is there a difference here?
paraphrasing comments? | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:55:53 AM |
"the last few years have been pretty tough due to family drama and my relationship sadly didn't survive it".
I think this is the perfect response. Then if your date asks more about it you can tell her you prefer not to talk about it right now. That way you aren't spilling your guts but you aren't lying either. Seems like a really simple solution, IMHO.
I agree with this post. That's not even remotely a "lie," and if someone pushes you for details that's the time you have to decide if you want to share more or simply repeat your desire not to talk about it yet, and let the chips fall where they may.
I was sort of in the same boat when I started dating again a few years ago after my long-term partner died. I see-sawed between spilling my guts to the poor guys over the first coffee (a mistake at that point, because I was still too emotional about it), and letting them assume what they may (also a bit of a mistake, in retrospect, because when it came out in later conversations they were put in an awkward position).
In fact, the very first man I had a sexual relationship with in my new life (he was supposed to be a fling, but we're oddly still friends to this day), told me recently he remembers wondering about my strange reactions during and after sex - I was constantly asking "Are you OK?" and placing my hand on his chest to feel his heart. Even now, I have little sparks of panic if someone I'm with sort of does the big post-coital flop or is out of breath or even does one of those controlled burps and puts his hand to his chest.
Shrug. A bit silly, but now I'm at the stage of just being able to tell a new person in advance without getting weepy, so at least they know the score. It gets easier over time just to say it without overt emotion and pain. You're just not at that stage yet, OP. Time helps. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 12:02:08 PM | | We are who we are (including our flaws). You should always be honest, if someone doesn’t like it well too bad. There is some personal information about us that is not necessary to share, so yes, you can always say, “It’s something I rather not talk about”; someone will respect you more if you say that than lie to them. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 12:33:39 PM | Don't lie, tht's never a good idea. Simply tell the person that there are some things you prefer to discuss once you know someone a little better. Anyone who doesn't respect that probably isn't worth your time anyway.
I like the one posters option to generalize it, saying you had family issues, etc. IMO, there's a big difference between lying and not disclosing your entire life history the first time you chat. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:06:10 PM | How dare you say that, Andrew! sandydick doesn't want to be anybody's friend!
Your question is one of the oldest in human civilization, and has nothing to do with the InterWebs. (Aren't you also reticent about your gator fvcking in meatspace?) It's not about lying, either, but candor, holding nothing back. The question is, at what point in an acquaintance do I confide in someone information that could do me harm? There are corollary questions, like whether you should have a single, marathon confession of every little horror, or just ask, in passing, "have I told you there's this alligator I'm fond of?" and pace the rest according to their reaction.
And the answer is, be sure. There's no such thing as a secret between two people. You can't untell it. When you think it's prudent, go ahead, but certainly not before. It might make it easier if you keep a couple of things in mind: First, you're not going to give your ATM pin to a fiancé, are you? We all have secrets, to the grave. Second, gators are not the only beautiful, seductive creatures in the world. That slip of a girl you're ogling may know a thing or two about anacondas. Octopusses. Whatever. She's not going to tell you, either.
Cheers!
Vulf  | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:13:24 PM | | With issues like marriage, separated or divorced it is good to tell the truth somewhere along the way. Just don't have someone thinking you are single all the way to the end. That happened to a relative of mine recently, and it lead to hurt feelings and disappointment. She didn't know he was married or anything, and plans and hopes were soon crushed. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:26:03 PM | ~OP~ Maybe I missed something, but I think there are some confused responses here. I didn't see where you (personally) are advocating lying ~ but maybe I missed that. Personally I feel there is a HUGE difference between being honest and too much information. In this venue, a profile is merely what we choose to put out there for others to know in the immediate sense. It certainly isn't who we are in complete form. I see no reason to divulge my life history via a few emails/profile or even here in forums. There are intimate situations that don't need to be discussed today, tomorrow and some NEVER leave my lips. It's not a lie to keep some things for only yourself, whether they be good/bad or indifferent. The critical information, of course, once a relationship is forged, should be disclosed. The things I keep to myself are in the vault for various reasons: memories I don't wish to share because they are mine and mine alone, past issues where I've been hurt or wronged mean nothing today, the lives of those in my past are topics that I have no right to spread around, etc. If someone doesn't like my "Privacy Act" they are free to look elsewhere for love. I don't ask questions that don't pertain to me personally, I expect the same in return. But, I only live my life ~ others obviously feel much differently than I do.  | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:27:05 PM | So Andrew... Did you have to go & insult all Americans by your statement of "You want to make yourself feel good by attempting to show the flaws in other people, I take it your from USA" ... but you really should stop & think about where the majority of us originate..hhhmmmmmmm???? And BTW, you should have used you're instead of your & you are as guilty of flaming here as sanderdick is, so isn't this a case of the pot calling the kettle black? But I'll try to be generous enough to overlook this slight to my homeland & its inhabitants.
But back to the topic... I gather that you're actually asking if omission is the same as lying, rather than telling an outright lie. And IMO, the answer to that is in the perception of the individual as some will say yes, it is, while others will say no, it is not. Personally, I lean more towards the latter as opposed to the former under those circumstances that do not pose possible harm to the other - eg: if someone does not tell another of an std then that omission is a lie because intimacy might cause the other harm; but on the other hand, failing to tell another that they are addicted the candy known as "jawbreakers" in the beginning is not... We cannot possibly tell someone (one who we are interested) everything we have to tell/share within the framework of a profile nor would we want to share all in it as a profile is public.
Now back to this flaming issue... might you (& he) be better served to ask for clarification rather than insulting one another, which in turn insults others & the usefulness of this thread gets lost in the smoke from the flames?
cata | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:30:34 PM | Well whats the point of being false? wheres the sense in that ?tell the truth if people dont like it then its tough,theres nothing worse that a person telling you a load of lies,if they do that then they are not worth knowing.........................Too many people on this site full of crap................. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:47:34 PM | I think Miss Manners would have a field day with this.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but we do live in a society that is based on decorum. And proper decorum would insist that the woman be given at least one sentence or phrase summarizing why you wish to avoid a broached subject. Even a "It's to painful for me to discuss" or "I think the question is too personal", or "I guess I'm not the completely the open book I profess to be", etc. Lack of a response creates assertions of "game playing" which it is. | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:55:28 PM |
so, honesty isnt always the best policy as far as im concerned. Who really wants to hear that, inbetween who your fav band and meal is.
I strongly disagree. I guess it depends on what type of person you want to attract. I would much rather of heard your truth than be brushed off with a lack of answers. I'll admit that what you talked about is a very hard pill to swallow for a new person, there is on reason you even need to go into that much depth. You need to learn how to discuss things on the appropriate levels isntead of avoiding the topic all together.
My response if I were you would be "Some terrible things happened to me over the last few years and it was difficult for me to deal with and caused me to lose a relationship. It is not something I am ready to talk about in detail yet but I hope to share it with you after I get to know you better. Just understand that I am in a much better place now." | |
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| Is truth always the best policy when chatting/profile?
Posted: 6/12/2008 2:00:49 PM |
Correct me if I'm wrong, but we do live in a society that is based on decorum. And proper decorum would insist that the woman be given at least one sentence or phrase summarizing why you wish to avoid a broached subject. Even a "It's to painful for me to discuss" or "I think the question is too personal", or "I guess I'm not the completely the open book I profess to be", etc. Lack of a response creates assertions of "game playing" which it is.
I have to agree with this. When asked a question, it is proper to respond. How one chooses to respond is where things can go terribly awry. I see no reason to delve into certain subjects ~ and when I have been asked about those topics (which has been rarely) I usually respond: "Why would you like to know?" If there is a valid reason for the question, fine. However, some people ask questions to form judgments. I don't believe that is an effective way to get to know someone and it's definitely NOT the way to an ongoing harmonious relationship for the long haul. Honesty is often confused with details. Honesty, to me, is someone being truthful about how they feel, not necessarily WHY they feel that way (ie: I don't need to know the tragic details of a divorce ~ a simple "we went different directions" or "she was a good wife, just not for me" will suffice.) When talking about one's past, I always assume there are 3 sides and I'm only hearing one, that seems like a huge waste of time since I won't know the REAL story unless I lived in it with them. Why on earth would I want those details? But that's just me ~ I like it simple and current ~ who he is today!! JMO  | |
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