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Posted: 6/13/2008 12:54:56 AM | I was going out with this guy for a long time, but I broke up with him.We kept talking about getting back together
well firstly..... if you both were still in contact for that whole 10 months... him under the impression.... your discussing getting back together.....(although it took 10 months)...
he might of thought there was some sort of comittment from you.. emotionally.. so that might of hurt him?
For me.. You dont say why you broke up with him.... but my first thought was... if i was him .. maybe i might be thinking ok.. so this guy we both know.. hang out with in a group etc...... she was with him?... did an attraction to him when we were together....affect her decision to dump me?.. were they making eyes/did she desire him whilst with me?.... if so id feel pretty foolish..... waiting 10 months.... etc..
then.... would she still be with him if she hadnt found out he cheated on her?....
maybe she would never of come back to me...... if he had wanted only her?......
so yep im sorta feeling 2nd choice... .. embarrassed.. etc.. and maybe the trust thing... might be there.....
(hyperthetical)
i wouldnt really want to be around a woman my bf was having sex with .. .. and only left her cause she cheated?... nope id be feeling.. pretty ordinary about that....
i mean what if she decided she wanted my bf back?... and promised to be faithful to only him?.. would he dump me again?.
i would feel trust issues/reminders of them sexually together going through me head etc... id rather not be reminded of it by seeing her/him together..
i dont know if you can fix it....... did he sleep with anyone else?.. or was he still thinking he was on a break from a relationship... still in contact.. working through issues?... i mean how much contact were you guys having over that 10 month period?
maybe you could start again make more friends/mutual.... and regain some trust etc help him feel you truly do love him and are totally committed to him...
but i sure wouldnt want to associate with the people you had sex with nor have it put in my face by having to see the guys... i would expect my bf to at least be considerate of not putting the woman in my face nor expect me to have to watch them interact together...
good luck with it op..
smiles/peace | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 2:27:38 AM | | It will only get fixed if you and your BF get your heads together. Might take a lot of hardwork studying relationships and interpersonal communication? Can you both do that? We are talking 3-7 hours a week of hardcore reading, research, and practice. Drinking wine won't help as I bet you were drinking when you fuked the other guys right? | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 2:44:46 AM | | hes making you feel bad over something you did when you wasnt together, this isnt very fair he has to come to terms with it ,if he cant i would say your relationship has ran its course. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 2:45:13 AM | "This apparently from what we are being told was not a mutual breakup so to be with other people and fooling around with them while the other person had not complied to that breakup is just not right.
Now if it was a MUTUAL breakup, and the two people were not married, then thats another matter. But from what I read, the OP didn't mention anything about him being Ok with this break up. "
Loveonfire, let me get this right, if one person says that they want to break up and the other person doesnt want to, then the person breaking up has no rights to move on with their life? Is that what you are saying? What a stupid thing to say, think about it ... lol | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 3:01:13 AM | Lafets-
Let me ask you a couple of things. Firstly, did your bf see anyone while you both split up? Why are you feeling guilty for having an intimate relationship with anyone? If either of you are having second thoughts about being back together, perhaps it's best to end it and try to remain friends or discuss the issues openly and honestly with your SO. Why should he be embarrassed about what you did while you were on your own? Or is it your feelings of embarrassment that your boyfriend knows about it? It would have been a mistake if you were sleeping with them while you were a couple, but you clearly stated you both broke up. The other thing is, how would anyone know about your sexual business unless you told them or they did.
Maybe it's not so much the sexual contact that you had your BF can't digest, but rather the party too which you slept with-but I'd say that seems more like an excuse for him to end things with you. The situation will only improve if both parties get past it and move on. If neither one of you can do that I'd say the problem will only get worse and it's better to part now on civil terms. There is no easy fix to any issue in a relationship unless both parties can find some resolution to what is really bothering them and move forward.
I dated a man and I broke up with him. We didn't see each other for over a yr, but shortly there after we got back together. I never questioned what he did while we were apart nor did he question me. I'd have to say the dynamics of our relationship was far different the second go around, but despite the changes in both of us, we still date now and it's been like this for the past several yrs. I will say, I never cavorted with any of his male friends, but sometimes sh!t happens. The bottom line is forgiving yourself for making some self admitted bad choices and move on. Good luck with your situation. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 4:11:43 AM | I don't think the problem is so much that the OP was very sexually active after they broke up - it's with WHOM she was active during that period that is causing the problem for her BF, and rightfully so.
It's a big old world out there - why be promiscuous with people who are in both your immediate social circles, knowing everyone will find out about it? That was an all around bad decision and very tacky.
Being honest, I don't blame your BF for feeling embarrassed because everyone knows about your activity with a mutual friend you all know. It IS embarrassing for him.
Next time you break up, broaden your horizons a little and stay away from your circle of friends. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 4:33:55 AM | Nope..."You bang...you hang..."
Better let the relationship go...and persue "funland"...if that's what you're more into... | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 5:12:10 AM | Yet another thread filled with lot's of crap advice - And more of the, "dump him and move on," BS.. No wonder some people never meet anyone, they always want to dump and run. If they like dumping so much, why don't they date a turd - because they themselves sound like a bunch of A-holes  .. Kind of funny, but oh so true.
So listen OP, you broke up with a guy who obviously cared about you a lot. And in that time apart you slept around and acted rather unbecoming. Meanwhile, the ex still carried the tourch for you. What you did hurts and bothers him. And many of these numbskulls are missing that point. If you want to fix it, and care anything about your bf - You need to talk to him about it. Tell him you feel bad about what happened. Tell him you feel you made a mistake. Tell him you care about him, if you actually do. men need reassurance too you know. I think if you do these things and do them sincerely.. things will work out and this problem will go away.
And just a side note here OP - sleeping with 3 guys in 10 months. You should be rather asshamed of your behaviour. I don't think I need to tell you what that sounds like - And why your bf is so upset with you. Open your eyes.. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 6:32:47 AM | | I think it depends. I also think you guys are trying to jump back into something when he isnt ready yet. He has to come to terms with wether he can get over it or not, thats what your relationship depends upon right now. If you guys REALLY want it to work deep down, you need to do something about this right away. Go get relationship counseling or decide if he needs more time to think about it and what he wants. If the latter is the case, leave him alone and take more time. I personally think people can get over any big issue like this, but it depends on the person. How strong is he, is he already prone to jealousy or has trust issues? If so, it may be harder for you guys. Id suggest counseling. Good luck. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 8:30:18 AM | I want to thank everyone for the advice and comments. Most seem very valid. I have tried to answer a few of the questions all in this one email. I'm so confused right now.
did your bf see anyone while you both split up?
No. He wasn't seeing anyone while we were split up. He was going through a busy part of his life. Even if he had wanted to see someone he probably wouldn't have had the time.
still in contact.. working through issues?... i mean how much contact were you guys having over that 10 month period?
We were talking a few times a week on the phone or emails. We saw each other at least weekely. Also we ran into each other here and there.
sleeping with 3 guys in 10 months. You should be rather asshamed of your behaviour. I don't think I need to tell you what that sounds like - And why your bf is so upset with you. Open your eyes..
I know it's not an excuse but I was very confused then. I was trying to find out if I could move on. I
My only question is: why on earth does he even know? Ever heard of "Don't ask, don't tell."???? What you did on your own time, while apart, is between you and those you choose to be with. If you are ashamed of your actions, you'll need to deal with that ~
We live very close to each other. He ran into me when I was with one guy at a restaurant. The other guy that we both knew had bragged to all his friends all the details about sleeping with me. They told him.
I would suggest revisiting the reason why you broke up with him in the first place.
Have you worked though that problem to consider being back together?
The reasons we broke up have since been resolved. That situation is totally gone from our lives. He and I are both trying very hard to get through this and we're talking a lot about it. He has already suggested counselling and we're both trying to get that arranged.
but i sure wouldnt want to associate with the people you had sex with nor have it put in my face by having to see the guys...
No. I have no intention of doing that. We're currently avoiding everyone we can who knows about this but we still have to see some people who know. That is part of the problem, my boyfriend and the guy can and have run into each other in different places. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 10:28:47 AM | I agree with Rune and with Bethany...
You were broken up, whether he had failed to accept that or not .
You are a grown adult and the intimacies with the other men were consensual, correct? So you may feel guilty for letting your guard down for sleeping with them, but in the grand scheme of things, most would agree that you did what you wanted. You live and learn.
His ego probably is close to nilch with having to face your friends. I'm sure he is comparing himself to these other guys...
I would suggest revisiting the reason why you broke up with him in the first place.
Have you worked though that problem to consider being back together?
and...bIn order to fix the problem at hand with the way things are now, you need to have that long serious heart to heart. Figure out if you both can honestly move on from it. If your friends bring up the drama, tell them it's none of their business what happened and that you guys have squelched the issue, if you have...
Wrong!!!!...What she did was not right, and like another poster said, if it was a guy who did this, many ladies would not like it, so don't ever assume it's ok for one gender to do this and not the other. Like I said, we don't know how he felt or whether he was ok with the break up, and if he wasn't then it's just like cheating on her part. BOTH people need to have a mutual agreement on the break up!!!!.
Loveonfire, let me get this right, if one person says that they want to break up and the other person doesnt want to, then the person breaking up has no rights to move on with their life? Is that what you are saying? What a stupid thing to say, think about it ... lol
What don't you understand about what I posted? It's clear. If two people are in a relationship, if one just leaves because "they want to" , that is being unfaithful, plain and simple. This was not a mutually agreed breakup!!, if he had agreed to the breakup then thats another story. But if two people are together, one can't just go on and mess around with some other people when the other person in the relationship isn't ok with it!! It's plain and simple.
It was a mutual break up -- she broke up with him. Their relationship was over at that point in time and neither of them expected to get back together. Moving on is the most common advice you'll hear and that is what the OP was doing or trying to do.
Are you kidding?? She said SHE broke up with him, not that they BOTH broke up with eachother. She never said it was mutual!! She only said that she broke up with him. Also it depends on the reason she broke up with him.
So maybe what rune is saying indirectly is that she would not have any problem if a guy she was seeing just decided to leave her and have sex with many other women??
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Posted: 6/13/2008 10:42:27 AM | My mom always says if its broken dont fix it..
Sometimes we hurt people beyond repair and need a fresh start. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 11:07:06 AM | I guess no, it seems it will not fix itself.
It takes two to tango and each has to make an effort to make it work.
Are you not together? If so, why is the point of digging out the death of the past?
He is blaming you and you're taking nicely the guilty. What's about some grow-ups?
Give him a choice, whether he wants to blame you forever or move on with you for a better level, otherwise honey, face it, chewing on the past ain't make your life happier, if you really want to be happy. Do not regret, the past has happened for a reason and a season, learn is all it is about.
No need to argue anymore. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 11:54:05 AM | Next time don't **** your ex's friends. Would have saved you a problem. It's kind of like taking a dump at the breakfast table. Sure it's convenient, but you'll have to clean up a mess later.
Was there a compelling reason to hump his friend or were you just horny and he was available? Perhaps you'll think about that next time.
In the near future, I'm guessing you'll be badmouthed by both of them. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 12:30:49 PM | | I don't happen to believe that friends and exes of friends or just people I'm going to be around like co-workers, that's not a dating pool for me. Too much potential drama and pain involved. The dating pool is not that small that I have to resort to getting it on with those who are too close to the core. It's not worth it. Also, sounds like you guys broke up the first time for a good reason, and this time it's not working again. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 12:42:14 PM | You know..... sometimes we think a relationship is over, and it really isn't. If you called it quits, but were still talking to each other, then it wasn't over. Your actions define your status. Sorry. I know you probably didn't want to hear that, but like a few said, live and learn. Now move on.
I used to have this friend who would purposely pick a fight with his gf on fridays so he could go out and get booty on saturday. Mind you, she did the same. Some people are just fvcked I tell you.
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Posted: 6/13/2008 12:48:37 PM |
Wrong!!!!...What she did was not right, and like another poster said, if it was a guy who did this, many ladies would not like it, so don't ever assume it's ok for one gender to do this and not the other. Like I said, we don't know how he felt or whether he was ok with the break up, and if he wasn't then it's just like cheating on her part. BOTH people need to have a mutual agreement on the break up!!!!.
No, both people do not need a mutual agreement on the break up. If one person does not want to be in a relationship any longer they have every right to move on. It is not cheating to break up with someone in order to pursue relationships with others. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 12:49:33 PM | For one you guys probably shouldn't have gotten back together until he had time to work through this and make sure he was going to be able to deal with the current situation as is. Op you have nothing to feel embarrassed about, so don't let him make you feel like you do. What you do with your life and yourself is your choice.
"What don't you understand about what I posted? It's clear. If two people are in a relationship, if one just leaves because "they want to" , that is being unfaithful, plain and simple. This was not a mutually agreed breakup!!, if he had agreed to the breakup then thats another story. But if two people are together, one can't just go on and mess around with some other people when the other person in the relationship isn't ok with it!! It's plain and simple."
I think people understand what your saying but it makes no sence.
I'm going to go with an extremne end of you logic right now.
Say some one's BF/GF abuses them and just all around acts like they own them. The person who is being abused leaves and breaks up with the abuser BF/GF, But the abuser does not want to break up. In your logic you say they are still in a relationship. That's why it makes little sence.
It takes two to make a relationship not one. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 12:52:27 PM | | Offer to let your BF sleep with the same guy that you slept with that way no one feels left out? Then the two of them can sit back have a beer and swap stories about the different sexual positions that they both did with you! | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 12:58:45 PM | Stingray said something interesting. She said don't feel bad about the past and what you did to someone, just learn from it and move on.
I know there are alot of men that feel guilty when they cheat on their wives or they do something not so nice, and they feel bad about it. To those guys I would like to say the same thing, don't hold the guilt inside you, don't worry about the past, learn to forgive yourself, an don't worry about the situation with you're wives, if they can't forgive then that's their problem, not yours!!! Move on and just learn from you're mistakes. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 1:36:51 PM | | Just wanted to commend you on your point of view, "verygreeneyez". You hit the nail right on the head. People really need to take responsibility for their actions and feelings, and stop putting on others. That is clearly what this young man is doing to her. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 2:17:33 PM | | this is a major no, it will not fix itself and i feel he will never let you forget what you did. for both your sakes, i would either go into counseling together or move on | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 2:21:56 PM | @ bigbOi I think that is what all people should do then in that situation. If their lover/gf/bf just decides to leave them and dump them and have sex with other people, that the person who didn't want to have the break up should just not try to make the person doing the act guilty, as someone said, it is "their life" and what a man may do with someone he is having an affair with or the person he fooling around with, his girlfriend should just mind her own business and not make the man feel guilty for what he does!!.....??
Interesting view point that many people on here are making. I mean with all the people complaining about their boyfriends or hubbys dumping them and being and maybe having sex with someone else and feeling hurt and upset about their bf doing this because they love him and want to be with him.... those ladies in this case should just mind their own business right?, and let the man do what he wants to do!!??and let him do it without feeling guilty too. Afterall.....it's none of her business right??....he is an adult so he can do these things. She should stop "trying to put him down" and "take responsibility for their actions and feelings". | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 2:30:56 PM | "I mean with all the people complaining about their boyfriends or hubbys dumping them and being and maybe having sex with someone else and feeling hurt and upset about their bf doing this because they love him and want to be with him.... those ladies in this case should just mind their own business right?, and let the man do what he wants to do!!??and let him do it without feeling guilty too. Afterall.....it's none of her business right??....he is an adult so he can do these things. She should stop "trying to put him down" and "take responsibility for their actions and feelings"."
That is exactly right, if you phrasing it like the guy broke up with with her or left her, how ever you want to phrase it. You can not have just one person for a relationship. It takes two. I don't see why your not understanding that, all of your logic hinges on it.
I'm not saying its right to string a person along thinking maybe you'll be with them again but broken up is broken up no matter who did the actual breaking up. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 2:46:15 PM | As most posters point out, you were technically broken up at the time, so technically weren't cheating. But technicalities aren't important here.
YOU feel like you cheated.
HE feels like you cheated.
All your FRIENDS think you cheated.
Therefore, For all practical purposes, you cheated. You've f*cked up this relationship (which probably wasn't very important to you anyway).
So answer me this: Will you f*ck up your next relationship? Or did you learn your lesson? Can you enter into a new relationship knowing that you will be monogamous? Can you forgive your present BF if he were to cheat on you now? If he did the same thing to you? Would you be able to forgive a future BF (or husband) if they did the same thing you did?
Examine your actions. Examine any hints of hypocracy. Examine your ethical ideas about cheating. How will this incident affect your future behavior? | |
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