| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 10:31:24 AM | | There's really nothing you can do at this point, it is water under the bridge. So, if he can't move past these things that happened when you were not a couple, I think the relationship is doomed. Even if you are embarassed or ashamed, it happened. May not happen again but it did in the first place. All you can do is admit your feelings and move forward. If he can't get over it, send him packing and get on with life. It's too short to coddle someone who can't accept the past. The two of you have to act like adults and figure it out. | |
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| Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/20/2008 10:32:37 AM | | It sounds to me like there is too much water under the bridge for you to both get past it, unless you move to a different town with a whole new set of friends. I don't think there is a right and wrong here, and it really isn't anyone's place to judge you. Sometimes it just hard to reap the consequences of our actions. I hope you can learn something from this, so you don't go through it again. It would be helpful to know why you broke up with your bf in the first place, and what has changed that made you want to take him back? | |
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| Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/20/2008 12:36:11 PM |
It would be helpful to know why you broke up with your bf in the first place, and what has changed that made you want to take him back?
The reason I broke it off with him was that he was working 12hr shifts all week and most weekends. We were arguing because he just never had the time to be with me, and when we were together he was so tired he just wanted to rest. I needed a bit more of a relationship than I was getting. I felt like we weren't a couple because I hardly ever saw him.
What changed? He gave up the job he was doing and got himself a regular job with steady hours that wasn't killing him. He told me he should have dumped the other place when we were together but just couldn't see what it was doing to him and us until it was too late. | |
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| Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/20/2008 12:42:19 PM |
You are a single Mom who spent 10 months being the village bicycle -- obviously not practicing safer sex because you admittedly contracted an STD. You could have just as easily become pregnant.
I was not the village bicycle. I made a couple of mistakes, I admit it.
As for safer sex and getting pregnant. I'm on the pill and we were using condoms.
To say you feel "raped" by them is disgusting and that's real slap in the face to women out there who HAVE been raped. Guys are going to take what's given to them.
I say raped because they lied to me and cheated on me. Yes, I had sex willingly under what I thought was a relationship. Excuse me for being wrong! And by the way, rape also means to take from, pillage, abuse and despoil. It's not just intercourse. | |
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| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 12:46:53 PM |
So has he asked you to throw out your old mattress and buy all new sheets! Let me guess you are no longer allowed to have male friends!
No, he hasn't asked me to do any of those things.
He's a really great guy and I am not complaining about the way he treats me or I would have never gone back with him. All I want to do is take some of this crap off his shoulders. He's not belittling me or putting me down. He's just upset and hurt. | |
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| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 12:58:07 PM | This guy is too immature for a long term relationship. Everyone has dated several people before getting married. It's just part of how we do things in North America. If I am out with an old girlfriend and my wife and my wife says something about what I'm like in bed I always want to duck for cover but I engage in the conversation. LIKE AN ADULT. What's going to happen when you run into an old boyfriend or someone in some bar tries to pick you up. You may end up in a fight about a problem that doesn't exist.
I've seen too many people fight over this kind of thing and it never ends. Run while you can still remain friends. | |
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| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:00:04 PM | I don't think the problem is yours. When anyone decides to call it quits all deals and bets are off. Everyone is different. some find a fast partner or buddy some don't.
If he can't deal with the reality then I would find the relationship is over . Geez there are many tv shows where everyone screws within the group. For a little humor at least it is a closed circle. Best of luck. | |
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| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:08:54 PM | You have to think of it in his shoes , how would you deal with this and it seems you already know . You feel shame for things you have done with your life .You ever wonder why people who have a little circle of friends never break the unspoken rule , and why they date outside that ring . But it was your choice and you were not seeing him at that time . It works both ways no one wants to be with someone who sleeps around or will admit to it , be it male or female. If the bridge is burnt dont rebuild it , time for a new direction to travel  | |
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| Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:10:10 PM |
A mature, confident man would have no problem with what you did AFTER YOU HAD ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP. Obviously this guy is not.
I agree, whats done is done and it's in the past. Tell him to quit being such a wuss and get over it! | |
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| Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:37:13 PM | | OP, I've made all kinds of similar "mistakes", especially when I was your age. I don't think it's anybody's place to judge. I think if anyone had tried to tell me who I should and shouldn't sleep with, I wouldn't have listened. If you really love your boyfriend, just demonstrate to him that you have changed and spend as many moments as you can laughing with him and having fun. Maybe some day those moments will eclipse the bad ones. What a tough lesson to learn. I hope some day he can regain his respect for you. This is very important if it's gonna work out with him. If he doesn't, you will have a clean slate with someone else again some day. However it turns out, you do not need to define yourself by your mistakes. You arel worthy of love and acceptance. But try not to repeat the same mistakes! | |
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| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 2:02:59 PM |
This guy is too immature for a long term relationship.
How is the guy being imature?
I really want someone to explain this to me. What is your definition of imature?
Is it stating you don't like something or meekly going with the flow because that's what everyone else does. Bunch of sheep.
All I've seen is a lot of bashing the guy and she says he's just "angry and hurt". No where does she say he's being imature!!!! It sounds to me like the guy is trying to cope with a situation he's not too f&&king happy about and everyone slags him because of it.
I have to wonder if this forum is filled with compulsive man-bashers (a lot of the women) and a bunch of guys who want her to dump the guy so they can start emailing her about how great and how mature they are!
I've been in a similar situation to this guy. I must admit I handled a lot worse than he did... I don't consider myself imature. Far from it. I didn't cope very well at the beginning but I stuck to it and made it work out.
To me, imature is running away from a relationship because it's too much work. No wonder so many of you are single and always talking about your EX's like THEY are some kind of positive thing in your life!!!!!!!
Too many of you want life to be easy and less work.
To the OP.
Here's my prescription:
Take your guy out this weekend, buy him a few beers or whatever. Tell him he's a great guy. Repeat as necessary. | |
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| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:40:06 PM | Lafets
Best of luck to you, obviously you feel you did something wrong and your renewed bf does as well.
This is something only the two of you can work on, couples counseling is a good start.
What anyone else thinks really doesn't matter, especially some very biased strangers on the internet.
When I was your age I had a relationship that was getting into different rocky areas and I loved him very much as he did I. He would not consider going to counseling as couples, even though he promised he would. After 6 yrs I left, it was a good descion for both of us even though he tried to 'come back' once again.
Sometimes break ups are an eye opening thing and couples get back together, sometimes things go back and forth for years (as was our case)... it is really all up to the two people involved what will ultimately happen.
Main thing that has been stated it, you did what you did, he did what he did, neither of you can change the past.. either work together on it or not.
Again, best of luck to you both. | |
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| Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:17:09 PM | I'm not of the mind that relationships should be work.
Wow, you're kidding right? If you are talking about a one night relationship then I might agree.
However any successful Long-Term Relationship requires work. It's just a fact of life.
Feel free to check back here in about 15 to 20 years and tell us how you are doing with that "relationships without any work" thing. Good luck!
"For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice..." - John Burroughs
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| Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:41:08 PM | 1 - I won't fix itself, you have to confront the issue
2 - You didn't do anything morally wrong by sleeping with other dudes while you were broken up with your BF.
3 - For future reference, BAD IDEA to sleep with guys who are related to your ex's regardless of whether there is nothing morally wrong with it. That's just one of those rules that you don't break because it can lead to trouble later, like you are experiencing now. It does put your BF in an awkward position now. Some guys can deal with it, some cannot. It might be the other 2nd guy that can't deal with it and your friend values his friendship with him or whatever. Many complications. Other examples are sleeping with the ex-lover of your close friend, etc. These are things that put at risk long standing friendships and usually long standing friendships will win....and probably should win. That is water under the bridge for you, so just pointing it out for the future.
I would try to broach the subject with your BF and see what happens. maybe you can work it out or maybe you will have to move on. | |
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| Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:25:18 PM | I love some of posters responses , hey your BF is insecure so if he has a problem dump his ass , tell him to put his big boy pants on , gee ever think that the guy is a human being and that he has human emotions ?, no wonder you guys are on POF. The guy more than likely is having a hard time because he really cares about her and can't stand the fact that another man got the chance to intimate with her , that would bug me.
And no stupid , "get over it" responses are going to fix it , no wonder society is laying in the gutter. | |
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| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:37:28 PM | Then your boyfriend needs to grow up.
It's none of his business who you slept with when you were broken up. Did he see anybody during that time? Did he sleep with anybody? It's none of your business either.
If you are together now then BE together now and act like adults, not teenagers in the schoolyard.
I know I made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys but I have no idea what to do to improve our situation.
Why was it a mistake for you? The problem here is your boyfriend having the emotional age of a 10-year-old. | |
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| Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:53:17 PM |
I love some of posters responses , hey your BF is insecure so if he has a problem dump his ass , tell him to put his big boy pants on , gee ever think that the guy is a human being and that he has human emotions ?, no wonder you guys are on POF. The guy more than likely is having a hard time because he really cares about her and can't stand the fact that another man got the chance to intimate with her , that would bug me.
reading these responses I see men on POF are sooooo mature and secure that even if their gf/wife had a full blown gangbang/orgy
in front of them, they wouldn't mind or even ask other guys if they needed anything...towel? lemonade? LMAO
They never get jealous or anything... because they're very secure and mature...
Either you're all full of it or never loved a woman enough to get stomach aches.
That's the way I see it.... | |
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| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 6:14:01 PM | Is the guy that you had the longest relationship with a good friend that's part of the circle? I'm just interested to know because it seems almost nobody picked up on the fact that he's having issues with the "FRIEND" that the PO slept with, not as much with the one night stands.
Either way, I think you should really confront the issue if you want it to work, take him out for a weekend or whatever and see if you two can put it behind you because it's a stumbling block in the relationship. He seems to need some kind of assurance that you know what you did was wrong and you don't want it to get in the way of what you two have now.
Live and learn I guess.
sarcasm - on..
Some of the posters are right though. You'll never find more mature, stable, never get jealous, tough as a rock, and emotionally positive guys ANYWHERE in the world.. POF is where it's at.
sarcasm - off.. | |
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| Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/20/2008 6:24:48 PM |
Either you're all full of it or never loved a woman enough to get stomach aches.
That's the way I see it....
Then you have a very narrow way of looking at things.
It's not a question of a mans wife or girlfriend hooking up with another man in front of them, it's a question of an EX girlfriend sleeping with one, and dating two in the space of 10 months whilst she was a SINGLE woman.
Do we presume the boyfriend was celibate in all this time, he may well have been, but who knows?
I've known and loved several gorgeous women until my stomach ached, including my ex-wife, and I also loved them enough as individuals after the relationships ended to wish them happiness in the future.
The woman I was involved with before I came to this country to work is now seeing a great man. We broke up because I had to come here and her situation was such she couldn't come with me. She is happy in this relationship with him and we talk often and remember the time we had together are will always be friends. Does it bother me she is now sleeping with another man? Not in the slightest, she's no longer with me and it's none of my business. Would it bother her to know I'm sleeping with other women? Not at all, she would be happy to know I would have found someone up here.
I presume we're all over 21 here and mature enough not to be insecure and sulky because we can't handle the thought of someone we felt for sleeping with another.
The OP's boyfriend is behaving like a big sook and needs to find some maturity and stop laying this guilt trip at the Op's door. | |
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| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 6:31:33 PM | well ~ I say this to all ~ life is a growing process ~ we all start from somewhere ~
full of ideas and dreams and hopes ~~~ It's a real shocker ~ when you didn't get the life you ordered!
I was a dumb as a post ~ for years and years ~~~~~~
so that should give everyone ~ hope!
we bring so much ~ unnecessery mesery ~ on ourselfs ~ ~ as we grow
hell ~ I still can' t ~spell ~
It's the love that fills all the gaps ~~~ so ~ like Rocky and Aderian ~ come together ~ and fill your gaps ! and work at making sweet music! ~` and pretty babies!!!!
dance | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 124 | |
| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:07:36 PM |
It's not a question of a mans wife or girlfriend hooking up with another man in front of them, it's a question of an EX girlfriend sleeping with one, and dating two in the space of 10 months whilst she was a SINGLE woman
Read this VVV
I was going out with this guy for a long time, but I broke up with him.
We kept talking about getting back together, and well after about 10 months we started seeing each other again
Dont much care if people wanna label this guy as "its his problem get over it"
...or if they wanna say "technically" she didnt do anything wrong.
Who really gives a shit?
They were in contact the entire time with talk of resolution...there was clearly feelings still there.
She's hurt his feelings and humiliated him and he has every right to feel the way he does
Keep your d!ck in your pants or your legs together.
Not real difficult to figure out.
Because of stupid behavior like this...the problem they had in the first place has been completely replaced by another stupid problem for nothing.
No wonder people cant reconcile relationships...they think they can do whatever they like and everyone else has to suffer the fallout.
People just dont give a damn about each other and dont use their fricken brains.
Anyone stupid enough to think there wasnt gonna be a problem after what she did should consider their own self indulgence, self justification and immaturity issues.
Geez...counsellors & therapists dont make money for nothing. | |
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| made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:23:16 PM | I gotsta chime in here as one who is prone to beating himself up for past mistakes, bad/insensitive/irresponsible behavior, and it sounds like OP is doing plenty of that... from what she says it doesn't really sound like her BF is contributing to that... other than his apparent reluctance to express his feelings about it, which could become the real relationship killer. It seems that so many of the responses to the OP's quandary reflect an urgency to assign blame, whereas it sounds like they are both willing to put some work into overcoming this problem... in my mind the OP needs advice on where to start making it better, starting TODAY, not yesterday or 10 months ago. If I had taken my own advice I wouldn't have lost the girl of my screams... wait! I meant dreams!
Counseling is the first place to start.
Second, RELOCATE. If he's willing to take a different job to have time with you, he's hopefully willing to relocate to another town, or part of town, to make it work with you. I really hope that's possible because as long as you and he are randomly running into these s*&theads you call "friends", you will have NO peace, and destructive resentment WILL be magnified. Guaranteed.
Third, don't listen to the people in this forum that condemn the relationship flippantly. Relationships are work, very few things worth having in life come cheap. Best wishes. | |
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