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Posted: 6/25/2008 9:28:02 AM | | tru218-whoa! you cant be serious! mature and confident? if the tables were turned i doubt the answer would be what you wrote. maybe the guy loved her and that would be a painful thing. he is not wrong here. not saying she is either. that's a tough issue, time will tell, but i wouldnt beat it to death. i feel for the guy---- that's brutal. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 10:52:15 AM | OP, I would have presumed that you & he have already ended things....afterall, you are on a dating website looking for a man for an Other Relationship....??!!
~ds~ | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 11:06:31 AM | You tell him if he can't get over this RIGHT NOW he's not worthy of you. He's realized he has leverage against you, and now he's being
manipulative.
He is not being manipulative nor does he use leverage. He just have a hard time with the fact that OP was quick in fu&*ing other men once they broke off, especially men in their friendship circle. You can say he needs to "get over it", I say he should send OP packing if he has any spine!! | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 11:21:38 AM | Indeed, the only time I've ever known someone to sleep with someone in the same group of friends as their ex, was when the wanted to play games or be childish. Sort of the "Look.. i ****ed your friend" BS.
I agree, if he had any spine whatsoever, he'd send the OP packing. Like a lady said on the first page, a woman would get pissed if her ex-bf did the same thing, so why can't the OP's former-ex (now bf again?) be as well? The answer: because men are told they have to put up with (some) women's crap, while those same women are told it's gotta be either her way or the highway. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 11:28:00 AM |
OP, I would have presumed that you & he have already ended things....afterall, you are on a dating website looking for a man for an Other Relationship....??!!
Interesting observation but not surprising at all. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 11:30:39 AM | OP: "I was going out with this guy for a long time, but I broke up with him. We kept talking about getting back together"
I disagree with the majority who have said, "No big deal....it's none of his business....you were broken up....yada yada yada...." See the above statement....She broke up with him, but they were talking about getting back together. So during the potential reconciliation discussions with him, she's out doing the deed with 3 other guys....some for prolonged periods. Seems underhanded and sneaky to me.
That along with the fact that she was going to keep it from him....until, he found out. So OP, you were only honest when confronted....but not forthcoming with the truth....again, seems underhanded and sneaky to me, however, I give you some credit for telling him the truth once confronted. But that begs another question....so you weren't going to say anything and had to once he found out.....what about the STD? Were you going to just pass that along to him?
We all make poor choices in life. I have a feeling yours will come back to haunt you, he'll leave and you'll be left to pick up your pieces and do some soul searching. It's part of being a human being. Learning from our mistakes and growing as a person.
Good luck, OP.
~ds~ | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 11:35:53 AM | I'm not going to wade thru 9 pages of gender war...
OP
When you were "broke up", it was certainly your right to tear off a piece with any guy who was rightfully available( No boys under 18, and let's not compound the felony by boinking another woman's man)
That said, just that fact that it was your technical"right" to screw these guys, is not going to prevent your bf from having trouble dealing with the knowledge that you boinked guys who were members of your mutual social circle. Human nature does not always dovetail with technical "right".
I can't tell you what to do NOW. You and your bf are gonna have to sort this out amongst yourselves and decide whether your feelings for each other can survive the damage done by your poorly thought out behavior.
But in future, there's a rather graphic but very true rule to live by;
"Don't sh*t where you eat."
If you break up with this or any subsequent bf, take your sexual activities AWAY from your circle of mutual friends. Even if you are fairly certain that there's no hope of the thing being revived, having recreational sex with his buddies is just pure D trashy.
Cindy O | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 4:16:21 PM |
what about the STD? Were you going to just pass that along to him?
No, when I found out about the STD, he was the only one I felt I could confide in. so he knew almot as soon as I did. This was before we decided we were going to try to make it work again.
Because we moved in the same circle of friends, I suspected he knew I was seeing the other guys. He just didn't know that we'd been in bed or he maybe guessed but didn't know for sure.
he'll leave and you'll be left to pick up your pieces and do some soul searching
He might. But I don't think he will. I have been trying to keep us together, and he's trying too. We're going for a pre-counseling session next week. We'll see how that goes.
In the mean time, he's told me he'd rather not discuss the stuff that's happened and try to let it get forgotten. He figures out of sight, out of mind and I think I agree with him. That's why we're avoiding the triggers that upset him.
Last night, he surprised me at work with flowers, and a bottle of wine. He says he still loves me and wants it to work out too. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 4:33:26 PM | I can’t really help on the what to do part. Some would call me a prude, which is fine, but I would have a problem with it also. I had a girlfriend that met an old acquaintance a few weeks into our relationship, he came to town, he left, but I was mostly shut out during the few days that he was there. We had continued with the relationship, but I never got over it, it never left my mind. Years later and years apart it has still not left my mind. This is someone that I didn’t even know. If it were someone I knew then I know for a fact that I would not be able to continue with the relationship, period. It would be a feeling of betrayal, which is something that I can ignore, but also something that never leaves.
I hope that you can work things out. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 5:55:24 PM | OP msg. #208: "In the mean time, he's told me he'd rather not discuss the stuff that's happened and try to let it get forgotten. He figures out of sight, out of mind and I think I agree with him. That's why we're avoiding the triggers that upset him."
This doesn't sound like a very healthy approach to handling relationship issues. Yours and his choice to make, but I'm just sayin....and that's only my opinion. Have a hunch the counselor may view it differently, as well. But I have to give your boyfriend kudos for at least trying....he obviously has deep feelings for you. And I give you kudos too, OP for your recognition of how your actions have affected another. I hope you two can get past it and make it work.
~ds~ | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 8:19:03 PM | Sorry, I would have a very hard time of it... every time I saw the other guy, I'd be reminded of how you and him bumped uglies together...
I'm embarrassed for your boyfriend, and I don't know either one of you. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 9:38:28 AM |
Sorry, I would have a very hard time of it... every time I saw the other guy, I'd be reminded of how you and him bumped uglies together...
Yeah, I've been in that position before.
But realistically, it happens in a lot of relationships.
You're dating some girl and her Ex comes around for the kids, or you run into her ex or even exes... You still have to deal with the fact that she spent time, months, years or whatever s&&king and f&&king the guy...
That's one of the reasons I prefer that my girlfriend does not stay friends with her ex-lovers... I don't need the reminders... | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 11:03:58 AM | LaFets,
I am glad you both are going to try counseling, I think that is a fantastic idea.
Sometimes it takes a third party to make us see things how they really are and to find the tools to move forward instead of dwelling in the past.
I would imagine the first suggestion would be not to frequent the spots where you will encounter these other men, especially the one who is such a jerk about it.
Find some new places that you both enjoy and can have fun.
Dont beat yourself up about this, it's over and done with and you can learn from it and grow as a person. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 1:14:24 PM | | Stop beating yourself up already, and if your BF is giving you a rough time over what you did when you were not even dating then its HE that needs to be going to counceling. But to be honest with you, you are not married or engaged. If you need couples counceling at this stage I would not plan on being a couple for very long. 3 guys in 10 months? Half the girls in my all womens college dated more men than that in the course of a school year. Your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 3:15:49 PM | Msg.1
The mistake was yours(.). If he's stupid enough to compound that error by calling it "love" and re-hooking back up with you, the more options for sex the better. Particularly, if just having sex is in your interest.
Honestly, its not like some one put a gun to your head (unless that was part of the "fun"), to make you want to get your groove grooved in absentina of "the one you love". If that was ever the case. Clearly "love" has nothing to do, obviously with your sexual appetites, or what is necessary to fulfill them.
But it is clearly a good way to give another "boyfriend" a STI. After all, whats "love" got to do with that?
Nothing. By any definition.
Being abel to get back in the sack with someone after ten months of being "seperate but not alone sexually", only proves that the person is just as sexually unsatisfied as the other person is now. "Love" having nothing to do with that. And love, when used as a word, has EVERYTHING to do with roaming about the dating wasteland water holes, in heat, and trying out other tigers for a quickie.
When a person "loves" someone, there with "just them". Sexually. Even when they might have to resolve a problem, any. Otherwise its just singles having sex. Clearly, other than using the words "I love you", it means....
Nothing. Just another "common sense" predation.
So in basic, I'm not seeing the problem. As you and your circle of "friends" might only be embarassing eachother with your mutual sexual gambits. It all screams "circle jerk" to me.
But here's the only thing you can do in a "relationship" this Jerry Springer, complete with the "friends all chime in" freakshow.
Not have one. Or pay Steve to find you new friends. ;)
Think about moving elsewhere. Start a circus, create a paying webcam porn site with "the circle of friends" called "secrets of the indiscreet". After all, they might like getting well payed for what you won't stop them from doing and participating in. Right?
Riggght! ;)
9 to 9 | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 3:39:04 PM | | if you had broken up then the relationship couldnt have been that strong and obviously its not strong enough to survive this.you can do as you wish in your life.its your choice who you sleep with and you should only feel bad for yourself and not because he wants you to.move on,this relationship has run its course. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 3:42:58 PM | | bravo.sexuality is a natural thing and isnt something that we should try to ignore.lifes too short as long as you are careful. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 4:48:28 PM | ^ You have got to be kidding. I don’t know about most men, but if I wanted a woman like that I would go pick one up at a bar. They are a dime a dozen only not worth as much.
The op is starting to take responsibility for her actions, or at least recognize their effects on others, and here you go telling her to be like a college tramp. WTF is up with that? | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 7:18:21 PM | Tramp? What a nice little Neanderthal you are to use language like that regarding women.
The point of my post and many others is that the past is the past and her current BF has no right to tell her what she did was wrong. She owes no one an explanation for her acts.
The 'girls' I went to school with are now 45 year old women with careers and families. What they did in their 20's has no bearing on who they are today, it was harmless college sex Big Deal. The OP's only 'mistake' as most of us see it, was not using a condom.
Do you read the forums here Pal? How many people these days are waiting a year or two between sexual relationships? No person should be made to feel ashamed of their natural human sex drive. It is puritanical to expect an adult to make excuses to their 'friends' for seeking pleasure from another adult. Grow up. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 8:53:31 PM | I have to be honest, i only read like 3 or 4 posts in this thread. So maybe i'm way off.
First of all, to the OP...if you thought that you "might" want to get back with him, then lay off the men for a while until you figure it out. Yes, technically, you weren't together...but let's get real here...and with a guy he knows as well...lol. What reaction did you expect?
Second, the guy should have been told about the "other men" (specially the guy you both know) before you agreed to start up with him again.
Sometimes i wonder about these threads...lol. If i split up with my woman, i would NEVER date a friend of hers if i thought i'd get back with her down the line....holly shit...lol.
Other than that, for all you women out there who are gonna flame me....i'd say the same damn thing to a man who did the same thing.
Makes me think of Ross and Rachel from friends and the whole "we were on a break" line...lol. How many of you women agreed with Ross? ;) | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 8:56:24 PM |
The point of my post and many others is that the past is the past and her current BF has no right to tell her what she did was wrong. She owes no one an explanation for her acts.
The 'girls' I went to school with are now 45 year old women with careers and families. What they did in their 20's has no bearing on who they are today, it was harmless college sex Big Deal. The OP's only 'mistake' as most of us see it, was not using a condom.
Do you read the forums here Pal? How many people these days are waiting a year or two between sexual relationships? No person should be made to feel ashamed of their natural human sex drive. It is puritanical to expect an adult to make excuses to their 'friends' for seeking pleasure from another adult. Grow up.
Holy crap , how old are you ? Typical response from a woman , you did nothing wrong its your BF's problem , go act like a whore it's not your problem.
And women wonder why Chivalry is dead , it's kinda hard having respect for someone who doesn't even respect herself. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 9:11:54 PM |
How many people these days are waiting a year or two between sexual relationships?
<-- I know of one that believes that sex is an expression of love, and not just a physical escapade.
It is puritanical to expect an adult to make excuses to their 'friends' for seeking pleasure from another adult.
Yes it is puritanical. I am not expecting you to make excuses for anyone. Lets turn it around, men go to the bar and pick up chicks for one nighters, or go to a cat-house, or make profiles on POF when all they want is sex. After all, all they want is pleasure from another adult. Would you give excuses for these friends? Would you blow it off? Or would you turn to that friend and say ‘WTF are you doing? Get your shit together man.’
Sure we all want to turn to the OP and say it will be ok, it happens, just move on. But, it is not good for us to take away that learning process, that guilt, that she feels; that would be an injustice to her as a human being. She herself said that SHE was ashamed for having done it. She has regret, and that is an eye opener for her. We should not be saying ‘It’s ok to do it because lots of people do it.’ How morally unsound that would be. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 11:31:21 PM |
The point of my post and many others is that the past is the past
So would you say the same if you found out a guy you were dating screwed around on you early on in your relationship? Afterall, the past is the past....
Sorry, but that old line "the past is the past" is as lame an excuse for screwed up behaviour as there is.... Let's all be absolved of our sins by putting it in the "past".
Funny thing is, some of us grew up with the concepts of responsibility, and accountability...
What they did in their 20's has no bearing on who they are today
It's funny how when we talk about women, what they did in the past is not relevant....
However, if we talk about a guy it's often "once a cheater always a cheater"
past is the past and her current BF has no right to tell her what she did was wrong
I didn't read anywhere that he was telling her that what she did was wrong. He was just expressing his upset and anger over it. Quite frankly I don't blame him.
How many people these days are waiting a year or two between sexual relationships
Amazingly enough, I know a few women who have waited even MORE than a year between sexual relationships. They have more going on in their lives than how quickly they can get laid. Maybe in some circles, it's ok to be promiscuous.... in other circles it's just not respected.... | |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 11:41:35 PM |
The OP's only 'mistake' as most of us see it, was not using a condom
If 'most' of you see it that way then 'most' of you can't friggin read...
As for safer sex and getting pregnant. I'm on the pill and we were using condoms.
She did say they used condoms....
What part of that was so difficult to understand?????
What a nice little Neanderthal you are to use language like that regarding women
The term exists in the English, (not Neanderthal) language. Fascinating that you use an insult to qualify your being upset by an insult... | |
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