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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/22/2008 1:12:11 PM | Hi d4gl,
After reading you here so often, I have a hunch you see this profile as a work in progress. It will never really be "cooked" for you and it'll probably be tweaked continually.
My only comment is that some of the sentences are a bit long. It's as if I need the chance to take a breath once in a while.
It's great, but I am a bit prejudiced. I've seen what you've offered to others here.
I wish you the lady of your dreams!
twwr | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/22/2008 3:40:01 PM | Thanks OFCB, ditched the opener, fixed "groups", but I must still be overlooking "quite".
Anyway, thanks for all your help getting it to this point.
TWWR - thanks as well, I re-read it and I see what you mean about some long sentences, I'll try to sit down and fix that later tonight. You're absolutely correct that I'll keep tweaking it... as a BPM (business process management) consultant I am continually looking for ways to make improvements one step at a time! | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:02:59 AM | Ok, so I reworded it a bit to take out some of the long sentences, but I still feel like it's not quite right.
Any opinions from the previous posters?
I know they are some people who haven't commented yet out there lurking, dish it out already! Rip it up, tear it down, lay it all out, I want to know!
Thanks,
-D4GL | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:19:10 AM | I'm generally against that many interests. So it might get people to your profile from searches but seeing all that lot ends up counter productive. The more things they dont like the sound of the less they're thinking they're a match. Its highly unlikely someone would like all those things. You want them hoping they have more things in common not seeing things they're dont . Its the difference between a positive and negative impression. The reality is when you know someone, that they like stuff you dont is a lot less important. When you dont know someone, it seems more important.
I think you've got the style that I think is more appealing to females but I think twice as many paragraphs would be easier to read. Its quite chunky text. | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:25:57 AM | Browolf,
Good Point. I cut out several of those interests, but not sure if I cut out the "right" ones... I want to keep a diverse group, while not being overly redundant/similar with my items on the list.
Any suggestion on where to make those paragraph breaks?
Edit: I made an attempt...
Thanks! | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:12:12 PM | D4GL, I don't know how much you pared them down already, but I don't think the current list is all that excessive. Yeah, lists which are too long tend to make people eyes glaze over and skip to the next section, but what you have now is long, but not unreasonably long.
One thing I did when I had a profile is organized mine into themes. They are alphabetical in your current listing, so there is no "flow" to them. I had them so they show up in columns (I think that is how people read them) with related themes. E.g, Darts, MiniGolf, Bowling are all sports you do, so they belong together in one column, one after another.
That might make a long list of interests more readable, as well as allow you to prioritize them. | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 4:20:17 PM | The only thing I have to offer is an editing choice.
I think you've over- comma'd.
One way to look at a sentence is:
Do I want to breathe here or would it be a better flow without the break? Is it a new sentence?
(Now I get to try that textbox thingie.)
I like to grab the bull by the horns, tackle challenging things head on, with confidence and ambition.
could read
I like to grab the bull by the horns, tackling challenging things head on with confidence and ambition.
Sometimes I succeed right away, and sometimes I get the horns, in those cases I adapt and try again.
could be
Sometimes I succeed right away, and sometimes I get the horns. In those cases I adapt and try again.
It will change the way the sentences flow. Not so many little burps.
twwr | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 4:22:25 PM | (aside - now I need to know how to edit.)
I like to grab the bull by the horns, tackle challenging things head on, with confidence and ambition.
could also read
I like to grab the bull by the horns and tackle challenging things head on with confidence and ambition. | |
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| Only 22? Pffft... amateur.
Posted: 6/27/2008 4:59:11 PM | You don't think anyone's interest list is excessive, Vel... but then again, look what you're comparing it against!!  | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 7:40:08 PM |
But I still must be overlooking quite
I would love to meet a woman who can keep up while we're running around doing whatever spontaneous thing we think of, but yet is also simple enough to enjoy a quite night staying in together too.
When I typed this it was the first word in the third sentence, don't know if it is going to stay there when I post it. I think it is supposed to be "quiet"? Rather than "quite"?
OFMM | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 8:36:15 PM | TWWR - Thanks, I've changed the suggested pieces! Although I did place a comma in "In those cases, I adapt and try again."
Veloise - Still no smiley pic... noted! I should really get the digital camera out, as it DOES have a timer, plus I have friends to take them if needed. Perhaps I'll work on that next! I also changed the start of the paragraphs around to not use I I I I so much. It's funny, I just mentioned this very thing to another poster, while not noticing it myself, thanks!
Bookrat - Thanks for dropping by, it's always a pleasure! And it was 33 before I pared it down!
OFMM - Ah! Thanks for that, I found it, and corrected it!
You all are such good people, I don't care what anyone else says about you :) | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 8:53:56 PM |
You all are such good people, I don't care what anyone else says about you :)
I think a large part of my problem is neither do I.
Are you still actually looking for shred jobs? I will hit it if you want me to.
Best wishes
OFMM | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 8:56:30 PM | De-comma'd
um, I actually meant the whole piece could use a good sweep. Those were just examples...
"In those cases, I adapt and try again."
I knew I didn't have it right, just close.
and yes, please do dust off the camera! Smiling persona eagerly awaited! | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 9:02:11 PM |
Are you still actually looking for shred jobs? I will hit it if you want me to.
Yes. Please shred away.
It's just.... missing something. Perhaps it is some emotion as described earlier (which I am still contemplating how to do best)...
Thanks! | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:08:19 PM | Okay, I have a smiling pic to put up... It's not a goofy open mouth smile, cause man... I looked goofy in those those! It's a smile nonetheless, which current pic should hit the dust?
And this shouldn't break the rules of only asking about pics, as this thread is inherently about my entire profile already! | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:45:24 AM | Okay, here is what I have been able to find.
I like to grab the bull by the horns and tackle challenging things head on with confidence and ambition. Sometimes I succeed right away, and sometimes I get the horns. In those cases, I adapt and try again. I'm generally pretty optomistic towards life, but I'm also a realist - I think in order to determine if the glass is half full or half empty it depends on if you've been drinking from the cup or are in the middle of a refill!
I like this opening, I see no glaring problems. The only thing I would question is this -.
I noticed you have used it several places, and since punctuation is not my strong suit, I am unsure what it means?
Believing in integrity, I let my words and actions speak for themselves, without the need for games.
I do not really think "without the need for games" adds any significance to this sentence.
I'm brutally honest, and won't sugar coat something, just to make it sound all nice, when it's really not what I mean.
Can't quite put my finger on it, so I am unable to actually tell you what I think is wrong, but I think the problem from my perspective is focused on the "when it's really not what I mean". Oh, like I said, I am NO expert, but I think it could do without the second comma.
I'm stubborn. I've always had to learn things the hard way, by trying it on my own - but I've learned a lot by doing so, and have a lot to show for it in several areas of my life.
I'm stubborn, therefore have always had to learn things the hard way by trying it on my own. In the end, in most cases, I have learned more from my mistakes, than from my instant successes, and have a lot to show for it in several areas of my life.
Maintaining a well-rounded set of interests is important to me, but my passion is to get out and do things, to be on the go.
and be on the go?
Locally, I enjoy sneaking off into the city for a day of museums, shopping, any excuse to get on the Chicago River or near Lake Michigan.
any excuse? OR or any excuse? Don't know if the other is actually incorrect, but I think the or helps clarify.
I like pubs, or restaurants with a nice ambiance to wind down an evening.
I don't THINK the comma in there is needed.
Hilton Head Island, SC has been a favorite vacation spot of mine, I highly recommend it.
I am pretty sure the first comma is not needed. SC MIGHT should be S.C. You'll need to check that, I am not certain.
Vegas and Europe are two big places, I've yet to go.
Loose the comma
I've been hitting the gym lately, and it's not just because they happen to have a hottub, which I also am a fan of, but more importantly, it's finally starting to pay off, which means I'm healthier and leaner in my more recent pictures (the ones from TN).
I've been hitting the gym lately, and no,contrary to what you may be thinking, it's not just for the hot tub either, it's finally starting to pay off. I feel much healthier, and am leaner in my more recent pictures (the ones from TN).
I'm not always on the go though, I can also enjoy the quiet low-key night at home, watching a DVD, cooking up something tasty for two or a small group of friends, playing or taking the dogs for a walk(I hope you're a dog lover), or when it's nice out, actually using those decorations on the patio that are sometimes called furniture.
This is a run on sentence, and guess what? I am gunna let YOU fix it!
I have a whole long list of projects I'd like to do around the house to really make it my home, but it never ends, I tell ya!
but it never ends, I'll tell ya! OR but I'll tell ya, it never ends! I like the second one better, of course it's your call.
The type of woman I am attracted to is confident enough to go after what she wants, maybe she's scared to take that leap - but ultimately does, and lets her ambition, drive, and passion see her through.
The type of woman I am attracted to is confident enough to go after what she wants. Although she may be a bit apprehensive at times, she will eventually throw caution to the wind, take the leap, and let her ambition, drive, and passion see her through.
I'm attracted to little feistiness, someone who is able to dish it out, but able take it right back in return - all in fun of course.
to "a" little
I would love to meet a woman who can keep up while we're running around doing whatever spontaneous thing we think of, but yet is also simple enough to enjoy a quiet night staying in together too.
I think this needs a period rather than a comma. "but yet" Hmmm. but on the other hand? Just a thought there.
It should be easy for us to be ourselves around each other and enjoy doing anything, from the spectacular to the everyday mundane, just because we enjoy each other's company.
I think this is an assumed given? | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:48:28 AM | Thanks for taking your time and doing this for me, OFMM! I know you type slow, and I appreciate the effort. I'll be copy/pasting your comments into a second window so I can open them and edit at the same time!
Edit: I agreed with almost all of your suggestions, and implemented them. There was one sentence I removed the comma, but added it towards the end where it should be, and I think Hilton Head Island, SC should stay as is. I still need to fix that one run on you left for me, I'll go back and do that! Last but not least is the changes to the fiesty/but yet simple part...
Thanks again man!
See the new pic? | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:58:43 AM | No problem buddy! Glad to do what I can to help you! I want to remind you I am CETRAINLY not an expert with punctuation, so they were more "my thoughts" than actual "certainty".
Yup, the picture is up! Looks great to me! Although I still like the one you HAD up. No doubt the lasies will like this one a lot more though!
Best wishes
OFMM | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/28/2008 6:02:03 AM | New pic is good. Can you get a friend over to push the button and tell jokes? Get a natural laugh out of you, rather than the "when is the ten seconds up??" look.
I would zap the orange shirt, hands-in-pockets pic if you need another space. The grilling at camp one would be next. When you get time, you could retake the "at home with mutts" one (no one wears a tie at home while playing with the furry kids, right?).
"optimistic"
USPS two-letter state abbreviations ("SC") are fine as long as they are used consistently. If using AP/UPI stylebook, it would be "S.C." and "Tenn." The whole idea is to be clear, and in context ("Hilton Head, SC") that is accomplished.
HTH | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:40:31 PM |
New pic is good. Can you get a friend over to push the button and tell jokes? Get a natural laugh out of you, rather than the "when is the ten seconds up??" look.
Ok two new pics up! Still need to retake the one with the dogs... | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:58:29 PM | Hey Doug,
I love your new pic! Great smile there!
OK what happened to your first set of Interest? It looks sloped like a staircase and I was sooo impressed with the way you had if before, all nice and perfect symmetry and all. You could just go in to edit them by switching them around till you get it
back like you had it before. Easily enough fixed.
I'm impressd with the improvements you've made so far and the *written* is great.
That third paragraph could use just a little break. Not suggesting you make it into two paragraphs, just use the enter key right in the middle of it to give the appearance of
a little break there.
Right after the word "it" hit your enter key to give this effect: A little white space is easier on the eyes.
Maintaining a well-rounded set of interests is important to me, but my passion is to get out and do things, and to be on the go. Locally, I enjoy sneaking off into the city for a day of museums, shopping, or any excuse to get on the Chicago River or near Lake Michigan. I like pubs or restaurants with a nice ambiance, to wind down an evening. Road trips, weekend excursions, or a whole week of adventure or relaxation all sound good to me. Hilton Head Island, SC has been a favorite vacation spot of mine, I highly recommend it.
I enjoy the beach resorts, but also appreciate mountainous areas. Vegas and Europe are two big places I've yet to go. I've been hitting the gym lately, and no,contrary to what you may be thinking, it's not just for the hot tub either, it's finally starting to pay off. I feel much healthier, and am leaner in my more recent pictures (the ones from TN).
Also change "brutally honest" to "very candid". It just looks better IMO.
Have fun Doug, and good luck! | |
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| No Sugarcoating Allowed, I'd appreciate all your advice :)
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:03:42 AM | My interest list used to have about 10 or so more interests on it, but I was told that may have been too many, and some were slightly redundant, so I removed them without compromising anything. That is kind of odd how the first column looks now, huh.
I made the change to the paragraph as, as well as changing brutally honest to very candid, that doesn't sound so.... brutal, does it?
Thanks again! | |
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