| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:49:32 PM | Its like Deja Vu, I hear ya..the mind acts like a courtroom with cross examination, witness, proof and lie detector tests 
Been there, done that X 3 times till now, just glad to know we all have been through this and there is always a lesson
I think, just need to fall in love again | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/16/2008 11:04:38 AM | I cannot even assume to know how a man deals with a broken heart, I am not a man. But I have seen male friends dive deep into depression/bottle/sleazy behaviors to run from the pain. One thing seems to be that they never look at what their part is in it - constantly claiming what a great man they are/were and so on. And tho I love my friends, I also know it takes two. It is never one sided.
I have been in bad relationships where I wailed about his horridness while declaring my sainthood. Yeah right. Until a person is able to really own up to their side of the street and examine their own part and quit blaming the other for everything then they are bound to repeat the same stuff in the next relationship. This applies to both men and women.
There are some really wonderful and healthy attitudes on here from both sides and some bitter angry ridiculous thoughts as well. It isn't hard to figure out. OP I think you have an incredibly healthy outlook and wish you the very best in your next relationship!!!!!!!! | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/16/2008 1:07:32 PM | I deaslt with it years after I should have and I got the people closet to me (more my age so like minus my parents and grandparents) and we all had two drinks (in true irish fashion  ), one to the past to broken hearts lost loves and the cast off of all that, the second to the future whatever it may hold. Best thing I ever did. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/16/2008 2:04:44 PM | I am currently dealing with a broken heart, and contrary to some opinions, I don't think I'll be over this breakup before my ex, mainly because I have realized that the cause of the breakdown of a 5 year relationship was about 70-80% my fault. By looking at that, what kind of man I was, it really hurts to know that I had been dissappointing her, and in a way, breaking her heart, little by little over the last 2 years by not turning out to be the man she thought I was when we met (Yeah, we got together in a hurry). I loved her and her kids, with everything I was, and now I realize that those flaws in my personality were the reasons she couldn't be with me anymore. Certainly, she has personal issues to deal with, too, but in our case, the bulk of the blame has to be laid on me.
For me, dealing with it has included:
1) a long, hard honest look at who I was at the time of the breakup
2) deciding whether or not that is the person I always want to be (for her or for anyone)
3)taking positive, affirmitive action to correct the problems I have
4) using this time alone to focus on myself, and how to improve and move forward.
I also think that a second chance with an ex shouldn't really be a second chance: it should be a re-introduction of two good friends who have each, on their own, made changes to themselves to be better people, and after that, there may be a new chance between two new, different people.( I kinda like that idea... I'm gonna put it on the "So you want a second chance" forum, too... ) | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:01:09 PM | | it does,nt take a manicured woman too be shallow,it could be the girl next door type too lookin for an out.I,ve met women who have been with guys just for a way out of a past situation so any woman can be shallow | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:46:33 PM | Men are raised to think that in order to be 'good' they must sacrifice themselves to a relationship with a woman; she must be idolised and he must act as though he's not complete without her (whoever she is, she could be anyone, in fact, as long as she fills that gap). We're taught that women are 'angels' and if something isn't working, it's the man that's at fault. All men are 'not quite good enough' in this scenario. Unfortunately men who regard themselves as 'at fault' come across as weak and that's not attractive. We've got to be Maximus from Gladiator, us men. All the time. Even when you're helping in the kitchen.
I've not come across many women who want a man to fill a gap in their lives, and let's face it don't you feel like running away if they are like that? I know it has that affect on me - I have women I've only just met say 'let's have sex!' and oh how I run. But men are raised to believe that they must do the chasing and it backfires, in pretty much the same way it does when women do it because it makes us look desperate and so unattractive.
I think men need to learn to do what's expected of them though and sleep with every female that comes their way and not get emotionally attached. I can't bring myself to do it though, I'm a rebel and don't like to do what society tells me I should be doing because I'm a 'man'.
OP you've hit the nail on the head by saying a man should learn to be happy in his own company and if you go through those painful feelings over and over you find eventually they no longer appear regardless of how you get 'hurt' in the future - you come to accept this love thing can be cruel and you have little control of what someone else does. I think you should forget the idea you've done something 'wrong' or you weren't 'good enough' It's part of the dating game and really has very little to do with your 'value'.
We've gotta remember there are millions of women in the world. Meeeeellllliiiiooons.
That's certainly how a lot of women see men. There are meeeeeellllliiiioooons of us too for them to play with. I think when we're young we dream of 'the one' but as you get older you realise you've got to take care of number one first and that it's a 'good thing'.
I work with lady beauticians all day and believe me the message they reinforce in their heads continuously is 'I'm very special, I'm very special, I'm very special' and nobody bats an eye at it (apart from me, when I tell them that being bootiful cuts no ice with me).
When I go speed dating a lot of the ladies comment on how degrading it is and make 'meat market' comments - I just tell them we're in the same boat and we should just get on with it.
That Xbox thing's a bummer, isn't it? I had a lady friend at work point out the irony when I paid my ex-wife a load of money for a TV. 'Who originally paid for the TV?' she asked. 'I did' I replied 'but you've got to draw boundaries and stick to 'em'. Isn't life fun?
Fun fun fun. I think the trick is to enjoy each moment one moment at a time and make sure the alone moments are fun moments too. We don't need a woman in our lives before we can find pleasure in being alive.
I do think Maximus kept blubbing for his dead wife a bit in the film though. So we're entitled to a bit of a blub. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:56:18 PM | I will never claim that I am a completely innocent party in any of my breakups. There always comes a point when I realize all the things I did and it crushes me more than the actual breakup. I know that there are 2 sides and it's easy to find fault but there will never come a time when I do not accept my half. What I will no longer do however, is take responsibilty for the other half's actions.
I've tried everything you can think of to get past a broken heart. I've drained my bank account at the bar. I've tried the "get over someone by getting under blah blah blah." I've pretended that everything's cool and that I don't hurt...
That was in the past. Now I face the pain. I deal with it. I cry. I talk to friends. I go to the gym a lot. I start new hobbies. I write longwinded posts to people I've never met. I know that although time may heal all wounds, most wounds leave scars and some scars never fade.
That's just me though. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/24/2008 9:12:53 AM | I like the crazy glue and steady hands. I prefer JB weld and placing it in a safe lol.Yeah I am not perfect and I have my flaws. We all do. But most times its the fact the relationship has gone stale.
SO what do guys do?Mostly blame themeselves drink like fishes,hide, suicide,hell it all depends on the person.I just work more.I travel. I try to fix my flaws.I talk on here. I try the old adage of " if you gfet thrown from that horse get right back up on it or youll never do it again"
So thats what I do. Cry my eyes out and love my cats up.At least a pet will never srew you over ( well until he eats that wnning lottery ticket lol) | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/24/2008 1:14:38 PM | I am experiencing a broken heart at this very moment - my girlfriend of three years who I love with all my heart (still) ended it about a month ago. The hardest part for me was actually realizing that she wasn't coming back, that is when the real pain started. There was a lot of crying and confusion at first, and still a little, but I have found that it is a lot better when I am with friends and family. I too have cats, but the problem is that my ex and I got them together, so they aren't as much comfort as I'd hope.
I can totally relate to what the OP posted up and agree with everything. I am finding that I was not happy with who I was in this relationship - I became far to dependent on her and I am quite sure that was the undoing in the end.
I now realize that I need to work on myself before I can have a relationship that lasts, and so exercise, hobbies, finding passion in a job, and less drinking are my goals. Having them makes the future a little brighter than the black hole it has been for the last four weeks.
I guess the one thing I just can't get over is that I thought she was the one, and I still feel that way. I long for us to get back together, but I know that feeling and thinking that way will make recovering a lot harder. She still claims to love me, but isn't in-love, and I definitely still love her - hence the heartbreak. Anyone with advice on how to move on from her? I'd say stop loving but I don't think that is possible right now. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/24/2008 1:33:36 PM |
relied on her for my happiness
I understand this but not sure if I completely agree. I found my happiness in trying to make her happy. Unfortunately it became harder and harder and she was happy being out at the bar instead of being with me. I don't know that I will ever be completely over her but time doesn't stand still and nor will I. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/24/2008 1:46:01 PM | Underst8, my advice :
- exercise is a very good idea - especially cardio !
- avoid alcohol as much as possible ( it makes you feel better initially but the lingering effect will make your perspective worse and worse )
- make a list of all the pros of the relationship being over and look at it whenever you need to
Good luck ! | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/24/2008 4:18:30 PM | I know exactly where you're coming from. My ex got a job at the bar and that became the focal point of her life. Almost everything she did revolved around that. Rather than focusing on my own happiness, I bent over backwards trying to show her that being with me was better than being there. As time went on I grew increasingly resentful. I couldn't win...
Now I can look and see all the red flags and all the moments I should have acted. I can see how in some ways I drove her away. What girl would want to be with a guy who would pick her up from work, take care of her dog, do all the cleaning, charge her next to nothing for room and board.... when she could be getting showered with compliments from strangers at work?
I know in some ways I drove her away. I know I would do things differently if I could. I also know that I can't change the past though. I can't changer her actions and I can't change what I've done. All I can do is learn and try and move on with my life. Not a single day has gone by where I haven't thought of her. I know it will get better though. Everyone heals in their own time. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/24/2008 10:05:35 PM | | You ever notice that the red flags become so much clearer after you know its over lol. Its like we are color blind by the realtionship.Hmmm if only a way to make a pair of glasses that fix that eyesight problem | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/24/2008 11:01:32 PM | Good for you for realizing that so early. It took me a lot longer to learn this very improtant life lesson. Then again some of us have to learn for ourselves.
Marjie | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/25/2008 4:56:28 AM | | Mrl6 I think this is a fantastic thread, you have definately got your head screwed on the right way and have come out of this a stronger person, I think who ever wins your heart in the future will be a very lucky lady! xx | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/25/2008 5:26:07 AM | mrl6.... you have found the secret. Good for you that you have been able to love, let go, heal and learn! To quote a famous line...."tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
I do think you are right...a lot of men, and I have dated them, become angry at a break up, casting all the blame on the other party and never take the time to do any self evaluation or personal growth. This leads to hardening of the heart and wall building, which makes it difficult for the next relationship.
So why do men hide their hearts behind their anger? | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/25/2008 5:49:39 AM | You are absolutely spot on mrI6. You gotta love yourself first. Then you can always fall back on the inner you and heal yourself when life steps on you! I have ben through a lot opf things in life and they keep coming you just let them wash over you man! Lifes beautiful apart from the arsoles in it...good luck folks  | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/25/2008 6:36:28 AM | This is great advice, thanks son shine!
- make a list of all the pros of the relationship being over and look at it whenever you need to | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:11:26 AM | mrl6. This is a great forum. You have wonderful insight for someone so young. It hurts now but it will get better in time. With the right attitude and knowledge, which you definitely have, time does heal all. I disagree with those who say it doesn't. It takes longer, I believe, the older you are, and the older you are the less candidates you have for replacing that lost love, but time does heal. Of course, the amount of time is different for everyone.
You are right on about loving yourself first. I, as well as many, have made the mistake of making our partner our whole life, then our kids. When that relationship fails, we have no one to fall back on, except ourselves. No matter how much you love your partner, you should always retain your true friends. Keep some time open for them occasionally. Keep time for yourself, even if it is alone time.
My marriage collapsed after 30 years, and I felt exactly what you felt but maybe magnified. I had lived my life exclusively for my partner and children. It was very difficult for me to rise above it. It took me five years to recover, and then it still hurts to think about. But the way I recovered is exactly with the attitude and mature knowledge that you have at 21. I too am a better and stronger person today for what I lived through. You are also. The next young woman that you love will benefit from your experience, and I hope she appreciates you. But don't think that it won't happen again, because it very well may. But this time you will be better prepared and much wiser, I hope, in your choice as well as how that relationship grows and flourishes.
Good luck. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/25/2008 11:16:47 AM | I disagree with most of the people here. I honestly think you do not know much or learned much. What it sounds like you are doing is reading a bunch of posts and regurgitating what has been said. That actually goes for most of the people on this forum. We are brain washed into thinking a certain way and since we are so hurt, we easily believe those things. Torture, for instance, is the best way to open up the brain to reprogram it.
This is what I honestly believe...
The reality is that heart break gets worse for men. We live with alot of emotion and pain which contributes to our shorter lives. Maybe men cannot love as deep as women, but from my experience, men cannot stop loving someone where women can. Women may love the deepest but they can change to be the coldest beings on Earth. For men, it takes finding someone you love more to overshadow someone you onced loved. And when I say love, I truely mean love. Even then, that person will pop into your head once in a long while.
Somedays, when your head is all clear and everything is completely quiet, you can feel all the ones you once loved tucked way back in the deepest parts of your heart. Hopefully the one you loved the most is the one that is in your life.
That is how men deal with a broken heart. | |
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