| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:34:16 AM | mistyblue07
I have always had her back and have always been their for her. But when someone tells you that their not inlove with you despite what their going through than how can you not blame me. Plus she said she had these feelings for a couple of months before her friend died and her mom. So I really dont feel that im out of line. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 12:52:27 PM | SJ365- I like your thoughts on this subject matter. In someones darkest hour the love they receive from friends may not be reciprocated immediately but most will will never forgotten.
The only thing here that can illuminate the path is frank and honest discussion. Both of you need to know as clearly as possible what the issue is and then decide on the remedy. If she really wants to see other people she needs to 'fess up to this. If she just needs space because her heads a whirlwind then I see nothing wrong with standing by this woman in anyway you can. Love doesn't always come in abundance so cherish it while it's here. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 12:59:26 PM | | Dump her dude. She is in love with the idea of marriage, not you. You are in love with the guilt you have hot her. Stop feeling guilty. If she doesn't feel like ripping your clothes off and madly kiss each other, if she doesn't feel like she loses her train of thought at the office or whatever she does thinking about you, she is not in love with you. Again, she's looking for a security blanket. What are you looking for? | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:14:21 PM | I lived with someone for 5 years....that saying, means she doesn't want to hurt your feelings! After 5 years, I left him. there was al0t of stress and alot of other things. during seperated for 8 months, I was the one that was there taking care of him when he had operations etc. not his kids. Even when he was in ICU. someone called me and told me they seen him on here. leaving me thinking...he wasn't looking..... It will hurt alot.....but it will be better life for you YOUR better than that!!  | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:38:28 PM | | OP you are being played. When a woman says something like that, she is usually spreading her legs for some other guy. Tell her fine, we can start over again, and then YOU go date someone else. I don't know why people put up with this, and still fawn all over the person that is hurting them. It's like some weird masochistic version of Stockholm Syndrome. Good luck mate, just remember, "There's other rows to plow". | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:54:02 PM | Obsidean71, With all due respect to that approach, what about HIS feelings? She doesn't seem to be very considerate of his needs, wants or desires. When someone treats you this way, it's clear - they aren't even good friend material.
She has a pattern - 'nuff said. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:24:59 PM | All I can say is that everyone deserves to have a partner "in" love with them. That is just an important feeling, that you should not settle for less. I think a person knows from the start if there is potential to be "in" love with a person at the start of the relationship. You might not feel it right away, but you know that it will lead that way.
Good luck. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:27:23 PM | | basically its a bunch of crap. she is getting banged five ways from sunday like a thanksgiving turkey but she doesnt want to hurt your feelings too bad. happy fishing, hopefully the next one wont be a skankbox | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:36:27 PM | | wow I cant believe this phrase has been used so much. Is this the hip phrase to say in relationships now. I just think its sad that people dont respect the word "love" anymore. I guess the word is applied in different ways now than it did with my parents generation. Anyway alot of good advice thanks again guy's. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:40:53 AM | | hey thorvin, I dont want to close the thread I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice because it does help and I truly appreciate it. I have been dumped many times but this has been different for me. Honestly this has been the hardest situation I have ever encountered before than previous relationships. I just trying to make the best decision I can. The weird thing is that i have been through this so many times that its like Ive been desensitize to it like seeing violense so many times. Its weird to me. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:29:17 AM | | I have to go with what sj365 said. If you could find it within you, she needs that friendship part of a true lasting relationship- and that's probly why she's doing this. Right now she doesn't need to be told she's sexy- she just needs to know that somebody is there for her. She doesn't need anything baught for her- she just needs a hug. She needs a friend. If you can't be everything she needs, what business do you have trying to go for something indefinate with her? My advice would be to do what she asks. Make her smile- that's what she wants. She needs some fun stuff to pull her out of the dark part of her mind. I think you should be less death and more life man. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:41:58 AM | | ex-navy, Im trying to do everything in my power to be their for her. Anybody that knows me knows that Im very loyal to the people that I love and care about. She has a very busy schedule with school and work so its hard just to try to do anything with her. I have tried to spend as much time with her as I can but she keeps pushing me away because thats what she does to love ones when in bad times. Im trying all that i can. Im trying to be optimistic. I guess I have to be patient which I have for months but i dont know what else i can do. She definately needs counseling because their are some things in her past that she needs to confront and get over with even though she wont omit it. Read previous posts. but looking at the whole situation, talking to friends, and reading similiar situations on this board and others it looks like its over i have seen maybe one or two positives with people with similiar experiences on this board. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 9:29:47 AM | | Not like I have a definitive answer for you on this subject, there are many variables and opinions. But I have been thru this, with my last relationship, and there is no easy way around it. Let me guess, you would rather spend time with her than anyone else in the world, you would gladly do whatever it takes to bring a smile to her face, and you would support her in anything she dreams or does? But does she do the same for you? Patience in this situation is hard, you do not want to force the issue but your feelings are so strong that you cannot stop them. You might need to take a break from her, get over her, then maybe you can be friends. It will suck to leave her, feel like you are letting her down, but there is no promise of something better is there? She is not promising to fall for you one day, you have to take care of yourself, love yourself. Maybe in that time, she will find herself, and who knows... a few months from now.... you can try to be friends maybe move to more than friends. Just my thoughts ... Good luck whichever way you go .... | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:30:16 AM | The question of love is such a simple one. Why do so many others make it so complex? Either you love someone OR you don't love someone. It's as easy as that. I have a very difficult time buying into the nonsense of "loving" but not being "in love."
If you realistically think you can be friends, then do it. I myself have always been a fan of the clean break and think its always for the best. I realize this is not possible if there are children or other ties that bind 2 people together. Seriously, OP, how much more of your time and emotions are you willing to invest in something that sounds "iffy" at best? Still having said all this, only you know what is best for you.
Good luck... | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:00:49 AM | It was a famous mantra of the 90's from an episode of that lame show Friends. It's pretty simple.
Its about being friends; she's not into you sexually. There is no spark . You will need to move on. Unfortunately things happen. I'm sorry things didnt' work out for you. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 1:05:11 PM | Hey there .. you seem like the kind of guy all the gals are looking for ..Not sure what you are doin online this site when you are "seeing " someone you love../. but .. you are a man who truly wants to understand and by reading all of your input here I would say that you have both had terrible journeys of emotional angst, grief and internal pain to deal with in the deaths of your loved ones and lemme tell you this takes its toll on the human brain ... but I believe you two have exactly what it takes to move forward in this and become something we all desire .. an amazing bond born of knowing that when someone can feel your pain care for you in the healing and hold you thru the fire you have advanced to a stage of courage and respect few people rarely master . You say what she says but do you see how she feels? ...... because how she feels is far more important to you both then any words could ever say ..... She is embroiled in what life deals all of us,but how we handle it separates the men from the boyz ... death and separating your existence from someone you deeply loved who will never ever be there again is very very hard ... ( I am there .... right now as well so I can relate on the same molecular plane.) As difficult as this journey is for you to witness it is the mete that makes a collosal relationship into that ,... I remember reading ,. ........ Dr. Phils wifes biography in her book ,'From my heart 'and the part that struck me the most was when her mother died and she was a wreck and she said that her journey in healing began when her husband took her gently into his arms and said ... they were going to get thru this and that if she thought that he would ever leave her thru grief and depression... he said " no way" . She is only running because she is scared of catching up to her pain and she thinks if you love her deep then she will be buried in this pain .. but what she does not realize is that a life without love born of action is a life unfulfilled and empty ... she really really needs to exercise the ability to let you in completely on what she is feeling .... and you need to hear her hurt thru her eyes ...
You need to realize that love is not a word or a conjured imaginary image in our brains, love is born of true and honorable action,deep and lasting bonds are of action and action is love . To treat that persons molecules daily caring so that they may heal with your heart and physical care and they will know you deeper and what you see in each others eyes becomes intense... when you can define your love by looking and seeing inside her without words your test of adversity will always pass,because anyone that can be there to catch someone running in pain ... is already a noble man.... | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 1:22:22 PM | | howbigisyoulove, yea im only on this site to get advice. Trust me i dont want to date anybody else. In fact if this ends ill probably not date for a very long time or even ever again. I have alot of bad relationships in my life and its draining the life out of me. I realized a few years ago that I can have a rich wonderful rewarding life without that special someone. Life is too short anything can happen so I want to make the best of it no matter what happens while still trying to attain my goals that Ive set for myself. Just be glad that you dont live in Utah. If your over the age of 25 and not married people think your weird or gay. Plus its hard to get a decent drink here. Its kind of funny actually. Thanks for your input | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 1:23:02 PM | | mthomjmark .......................... anyone can get .. pay .......... barter ... for sex any day of the week... sparks are not flying twenty four .. seventh heaven in any long term successsful pair bond .. which is the ticket to longevity of your own molecular housing .. casual, impulse, hop and go bar relating genital pounding sex is empty and totally meaningless and will also help you on your way to STD land and usually early death ,... there is fact to support this claim ... Sex and sparks are terrific but they are not the mustard that keeps the ketchup on the hotdog staying home with the open sesame seed bun.. warming ... it is the emotional bonds that are the life excursion ticket .. if you want to practise ....... for sex and sparks you can get an electrified pocket wanker or for the gals who just look for genital titillation... try all sorts of electric toys .. but for anyone looking to join the league of mature ..... adult deep bonds .. you gottah be able to work take the good the bad and the ugly .. and if deep grief over loss does not affect your life .. you ain't too deep anyway and what gal needs shallow for a dip in the pond .... hmmm | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:50:52 PM | Once upon a time, a long long time ago, in a far away land, some one told me, I'd never be his mate, but asked would I be his friend? I said yes. I should have said no. As it was, it did end after several more tries, twenty years later. And I ended up hurting *him.* Which was never my plan.
I'd say better early than late. But when you're in love that seems awful hard. Sometimes impossible.
Good luck, Sweetie.
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:12:24 PM | What it means is this....she looks at you as a FREIND nothing more. She feels no excitement being around you. You were more than likely to nice to her and being "too nice" will always get you in the friend zone.
That is the way it is and the only thing to do is fix yourself. Yes I am sure a lot of people are going to say I am a jerk...an ass...whatever but I could care less what others think of me...I know who I am and what I want in life and nothing will change that.
You see females want a man that doesn't take their bullshit. They want to be lead not controlled...to have fun in the moment with the man(never ask a female what she wants to do tonight YOU decide). Be honest and upfront from the beginning. All females already know we want to have sex with them so stop acting like it is rude or some other bullshit in the fact intimacy. Damn I could preach on that one alone for hours but this stuff isn't free you know?
So when ever you hear those words from a females mouth it means that she is looking else where for excitement(NOT THE USUAL BORING ASS SEX). And if any of you guys have a female tell you this it is too late you have crashed and burned...your ONLY hope to break up with her right then before she breaks up with you...then go and fix your inner self. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:35:28 PM | | woobytoodsday, Yea I think you bring up a great point. I think shes trying to position me into evolving as a friend. I hope thats not the case at all , but it sure's sound like it right now. That way if it doesnt work out than we can be life long friends. Well thats not going to happen. I think the main *key* from now on is to see how she acts after we last talk. That will tell me everything that I need to know and better inform me on making a decision. "Actions always speak louder than words." | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:00:50 PM | OP -
Your girlfriend may be incapable of allowing herself to truly connect with anyone, and I am not saying that because she has two broken engagements. After spending a year together, she feels comfortable stating that she really doesn't know you. Please keep in mind, she was certainly capable of engaging in conversations which would have helped her to learn about you. She opted not to for whatever reason. That was HER choice. The fact that you became involved romantically early on should have no bearing whatsoever on the foundation you had the opportunity to build TOGETHER over the past eleven months. You may not know how to communicate openly and honestly with each other, which means there could very well have been several things which she felt were 'deal breakers' but she neglected to bring to your attention.
It sounds like she may be pushing you away as a protective measure because she knows she is incapable of maintaining the status quo. Having a suicidal mother must take its emotional toll on her, as well as dealing with her own health issues. You may never have had the pleasure of knowing her as a carefree, lighthearted, free spirited person. She may feel empty inside.
Her desire to maintain a friendship sounds nice and she may believe that is possible because she is numb inside and devoid of emotion, but if you feel that arrangement would hurt you because you believe you have feelings for her, then go with your instincts. You owe her nothing. Years from now, you may realize that you were in love with the IDEA of having her in your life, but not necessarily WITH her.
Everything for a reason OP ~
ps - Think twice about digesting advice from those with inflated egos whose intention is to fill your mind with garbage, roll you out, and cut you into a little cocky cookie cutter control freak with a superiority complex so he can have a like minded compadre.
Don't EVER adapt this mindset -
"I lead I do not follow. I plan on things that I enjoy...you are a guest in getting to enjoy those things with me. Once in a while(every couple of months) I will let you have a night that you pick the fun we do. I say things the way they are I do not sugar coat things(unless we are playing with food items). I have a temper but I also have control. I will make you laugh, cry, get mad, get happy the whole range of emotions but it will always turn out to be FUN afterward. I have a deep understanding of females but I am not out to damage your Karma. I am a wonderful communicator....piss me off...you'll know it right then...have a problem I'll listen to some of it but I am NOT going to fix your problems...make me happy and you will be very happy also...you can't make me jealous(if you want someone else....GO...I think you 2 will make a nice couple)...hit me... I hit back. So think you can handle this??"
Read THIS instead http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingposts4550934.aspx | |
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