| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:00:50 PM | OP -
Your girlfriend may be incapable of allowing herself to truly connect with anyone, and I am not saying that because she has two broken engagements. After spending a year together, she feels comfortable stating that she really doesn't know you. Please keep in mind, she was certainly capable of engaging in conversations which would have helped her to learn about you. She opted not to for whatever reason. That was HER choice. The fact that you became involved romantically early on should have no bearing whatsoever on the foundation you had the opportunity to build TOGETHER over the past eleven months. You may not know how to communicate openly and honestly with each other, which means there could very well have been several things which she felt were 'deal breakers' but she neglected to bring to your attention.
It sounds like she may be pushing you away as a protective measure because she knows she is incapable of maintaining the status quo. Having a suicidal mother must take its emotional toll on her, as well as dealing with her own health issues. You may never have had the pleasure of knowing her as a carefree, lighthearted, free spirited person. She may feel empty inside.
Her desire to maintain a friendship sounds nice and she may believe that is possible because she is numb inside and devoid of emotion, but if you feel that arrangement would hurt you because you believe you have feelings for her, then go with your instincts. You owe her nothing. Years from now, you may realize that you were in love with the IDEA of having her in your life, but not necessarily WITH her.
Everything for a reason OP ~
ps - Think twice about digesting advice from those with inflated egos whose intention is to fill your mind with garbage, roll you out, and cut you into a little cocky cookie cutter control freak with a superiority complex so he can have a like minded compadre.
Don't EVER adapt this mindset -
"I lead I do not follow. I plan on things that I enjoy...you are a guest in getting to enjoy those things with me. Once in a while(every couple of months) I will let you have a night that you pick the fun we do. I say things the way they are I do not sugar coat things(unless we are playing with food items). I have a temper but I also have control. I will make you laugh, cry, get mad, get happy the whole range of emotions but it will always turn out to be FUN afterward. I have a deep understanding of females but I am not out to damage your Karma. I am a wonderful communicator....piss me off...you'll know it right then...have a problem I'll listen to some of it but I am NOT going to fix your problems...make me happy and you will be very happy also...you can't make me jealous(if you want someone else....GO...I think you 2 will make a nice couple)...hit me... I hit back. So think you can handle this??"
Read THIS instead http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingposts4550934.aspx | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:13:11 PM | She likes somebody else. I don't know many people who will leave somebody to go to nobody.
There is no logic there.
Only a very secure person will approach a relationship in that way. Something else is in her thoughts. | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:27:10 PM | Take advice from this one....did she say anything about being interested in you? NOPE but is an expert telling you how to become more interesting to females. And if she thinks I am picking her up at the airport.... | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:36:19 PM | Totum,
You can come down now. No, I can't meet OP because I am very much interested in a gentleman who lives in my neck of the woods who is 'real.' He does not have to inflate himself by putting on a grandiose facade since he is truly happy with the person he is. That link was for your eyes too. | |
|
| |
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:47:44 PM | Im going thru a similar situation too at this very time. My best friends life just blew up like a bomb in so many different areas. He is so overwhelmed. He needs to isolate to work it through.
I say...stay in touch if you love her and give it a little time. Maybe you can agree to date others for a bit in case it doesnt turn around, but stay in touch. What ever works. You both need to make an agreement.
I know when my life was hell, I isolated too. People do that when they are so overwhelmed. Support her. Dont abandon her.
Alot of relationships do start off too sexual...I think its pretty smart to try to start over and try just being friends. Thats the way people used to start their relationships. Its the best way.
I am sort of waiting for my "best friend" to come to a better place. We have an agreement. Its hard. Dont know if I can date others. Try to , but havent yet...doesnt feel good. Id rather be with him when its possible..maybe time will change me. Not sure. It just takes time to figure things out.
I figure...if we are supposed to be together...we will eventually. God willing.
Good luck. There is no easy answer. How compatable are you two. Is she worth waiting for? My friend is definately my soul mate. We are just alike.. Our lives have been quite a bit alike..we think alike. What more would one want in a friend. We are best friends and we talk every single day. | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:05:34 PM | | I dont want to abandon her. But she has to be willing to come to me. I cant force it upon her and thats the bottom line. If she keeps pushing me away than that is a significant sign. Again and again I just have to see what she does in the next couple of weeks or so. Now she knows that I know future actions will difinately be very important and will determine how it will play out in my decision. | |
|
| |
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/17/2008 12:57:19 AM | OP
She is not attracted to you. I don't know how old this woman is but she obviously doesn't know how to verbalize what attracts her to a man and what does not. But from experience she is flat out not attracted to you.
If you can't be friends with her then walk away. It is not abandoning her, it is doing what is best for you both. She either doesn't know what she wants or she isn't courageous enough to state it flat out.
This has very little chance of working out unless you start becoming something you are not at the moment. You will have to fake it and it will be transparent over time and you will be back to where you are now.
I would suggest you find a more matured and emotionally stable woman who really knows herself a lot better than this woman does. I would also learn a bit more about attraction and how it works or this will happen again.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:25:16 AM | That being in love is a myth...love is love period.That line has been around since the day's of caveman.It's just a nice way of saying I like you...But i dont want to be with you  | |
|
| |
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:38:04 AM | I did this for years - strung someone along saying those exact words. I never changed, and hurt them and myself a lot. It's likely that she won't change either.
I think when the posters here have sympathy for her and say "she needs this, she needs that" all the focus is on her and her needs. Where are you in this equation?
My advice would be to get out now. My ex is now happy and living with someone else. | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:13:01 AM | | Personally, I would cut her some more slack. Having one's best friend die, having a suicidal mother, and recovering from surgery. Any ONE of those situations might drive me over the edge, emotionally, but all THREE?? No wonder the lady is confused, I would be too. | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:22:15 AM |
Well I got this line earlier this week and very confused.
I got the same line the day my wife asked for a divorce.
Any advice?
As hard as it is, move on. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are surrounding her feelings, what has gone on in her life, or anything else. Hell, my dad f*cking DIED the same DAY my wife said she wanted a divorce, and she wanted me to move out in a WEEK (which I did). When they say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" (or "I don't THINK I'm IN love with you, or whatever), the relationship is over, and it's not going back to what it was. So save yourself a lot of time and heartache trying to analyze what happened, trying to figure out why she's doing what she's doing, or trying to get her back. If you can't handle being friends (which I understand - I can't do that, either), cut the ties and move on. As far as her other problems, she's a big girl, and she can take care of herself.
She likes somebody else. I don't know many people who will leave somebody to go to nobody.
There is no logic there.
Very true. That was the case with my ex-wife. She had met someone and started screwing them TWO WEEKS BEFORE asking for a divorce. And she not only destroyed our family, but totally gave up custody of our son, so she could be free to go play with her new boyfriend (who happened to beat and rape her repeatedly during the year they were together. Karma can be a real b!tch sometimes. But that's another story.). | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:30:27 AM | I'm seriously beginning to wonder if behaving as these sorts of people (OP's girlfriend) do is the way to get some guy totally crazy/nuts/completely devoted to you.
Because it seems there's no end to how many people are in this situation!
There's nice, ready-for-commitment-me, who can't seem to find a like-minded person, and then there's all these gunshy, freewheeling, messed up, mixed-messages-giving, commitment-shy women out there that have these guys in pain and going to the ends of the earth for them.
It isn't fair!!! Do I have to be some unbalanced flighty thing to get some guy to really love me and be there for me? Sorry to hijack...... | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:59:19 AM | dont listen to the psycho babble that so many say; this is a famous stupid line from that lame show "friends" that became so popular. She doesnt have the character to be honest.
It means lets be friends; I'm not into you anymore. There is no hidden agenda, no message, no starting over; your relationship is done.
If it were me, I would move on yesterday. She emotionally already has. Dont' run to her at every turn, dont call her or email her all the time, and let her realize things have also changed. She can't run to you for everything, while sleeping with other guys. Respect her wishes to start over but that means she's not into you anymore. Sorry. I would just move on and act like nothing is wrong and dont look wimpy and keep hounding her. Move on and if she really cares she'll come back. good luck, | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:05:27 AM | janet4ever obviously knows about jumping into future plans and then backing out.
I've had someone I dated here begin telling me repeatedly "I'm in love with you." I was very fond of her but didn't feel that, and I told her so. Because she was having some family problems and in transition of where she was living, I had a feeling she was angling for me to ask her to move in.
I was probably right because when I said I wasn't in love with her (we hadn't been dating that long), she said "I think I'd better go," got up off the couch, left, and that was the last time I heard from her.
Throwing the love word around can be entrapment some times. | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:52:29 AM | I agree with ~Kyn~, UCBerkMaiden, and other similar posters.
I think that cgy121 and other posters fail to recognize the dynamic that if you subvert your needs while catering to your gf's by staying in this incomplete relationship, you are just making the situation worse. If you leave now (actually LEAVE), you will be better off in any event - especially if you tell her that you are looking for a relationship with both (as previously described) the "wow" and the friendship (trust, etc). Maybe she gets in touch with "wow" while you are gone (maybe not). If she does, maybe she'll tell you (maybe not). If she asks to get you back, you can decide what to do then. But, number one, I'd recommend sticking up for yourself, your boundaries, and your self-respect. Those are generally attractive features anyhow IMHO.
Cheers & good luck | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:29:30 PM | | I am going through something similar, right now. You can't completely "start over" you have memories and a history-some good and some probably not-so good that you can't pretend didn't happen. It sounds like she doesn't want to lose you because you are such a good friend who loves her. I don't blame her but you have to think of yourself and what's good for you. My advise is to tell her you need to take a step back from her for a little while to see if she is what YOU want/need in YOUR life. Then do that. Take a couple weeks without her and see how you feel. You may be surprised. It will be very hard if you are used to seeing or talking to her every day but try it. SHE may be surprised at how she feels, too. | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:12:24 PM | She says that part of the foundation of the relationship is missing but doesnt know what that is.
^^^^that's really the bottom line, isn't it?
advice: if you think it's worth pursuing, then be supportive and go along with it for now. however, be forewarned, at some point, if her feelings for you don't change, you'll have to make a decision. only you can determine at what point it's still worth pursuing vs. at what point you should cut your losses and move on (assuming her feelings don't change).
consider this: if you were married to her, how would the outside stresses affect your relationship vs. not being married. in both cases, the relationship would be stressed, but a good marriage would survive those stressors and the survival of those stressors would eventually draw you closer. in a bad marriage or otherwise less strong relationship, those stressors would pull the couple apart. how strong is your relationship - strong enough to pursue? | |
|
| |
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:15:44 PM | | I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU ON THAT ONE TOO BECAUSE YOU ARE SO RIGHT, I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE I ACTUALLY SAID THAT TO SOMEONE BUT IT'S NOT THAT I WANTED SOMEONE ELSE IT WAS THAT I REALLY NEEDED A BREAK FROM EVERYTHING, AND WE ENDED UP BEING TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS AND WE HAD TWO BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS BABIES, ALTHOUGH THEY HAVE BEEN PUT THROUGH HELL. | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:22:37 PM | | "I'm not IN love with you" is simply double-talk for "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore". I'll never forget you, I might even stick around to be your friend, but I don't want to be romantic with you. | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:22:22 PM | | My personal opinion is that you really are better off cutting your losses now. She's living in a fantasy that neither you nor anyone else will ever be. The fact that she's been engaged twice ought to be a clue that the best you're likely to be is a memory of engagement number 3. Sorry to be a downer, but she sounds like an emotional wreck. Tell her to come back if and when she figures out what she wants. Don't be ``just friends,'' either. She'll just use that to give you a false sense of hope while getting over you. | |
|
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:36:25 PM |
I'm seriously beginning to wonder if behaving as these sorts of people (OP's girlfriend) do is the way to get some guy totally crazy/nuts/completely devoted to you.
Yes and no. I think most guys who care for a woman will go to great lengths to show they won't bail out when some problem occurs. They stick it out hoping that there's a grain of truth to the excuses they are given and that things will work out eventually. After doing that a few times and realizing they've wasted their time pining away for a nutcase, guys worth dating are going to dump women for behaving like that. | |
|
Home
login 
