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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:16:17 PM | Honestly I didn't read the entire forum post just the OP.
I think it comes down to two things. One is selfishness.
The other is the notion that a relationship is a combining of two people into one instead of two individuals who remain individuals but share a common bond. I don't know who said it but a relationship should not be about combining two people but instead respect and a celebration of the differences of separate people. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:30:30 PM | | I tried... for years... to get involved in his life. The closer I tried to get to him the more he retreated. As well, I would get involved but when it came to my interests, he didn't care. So, OP, it's a two way street, IMO. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:34:06 PM | OP I agree with you completely. Two people have to mold together as one to stay together. Relationships take alot of compromise. Along with compromising they require apologizing, trying to listen, backing down from a disagreement, and trying to understand the other's feelings. This completely has to do with the partner's interests.
If my partner has an interest, I have to at least try to become part of that interest. We are supposed to be a
"we" not a "me" and a "me"
where does a me and a me make an "us" ?
in the bible in marriage it is called agape love. which is the closest that a husband and wife can become through God's love. I think we that we should strive for that. Then divorce would be obsolete. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:40:14 PM | | Not everyone likes the same things. I don't see a problem with 2 individual (a couple) pursuing their own interests as long as they do have a few in common. When they don't have any in common, well then that may be a problem and they should probably try to find something to do together that's fun/interesting. If they don't find something to do together, maybe they're together for the wrong reasons... Just my two cents. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:48:45 PM | It's about balance. I don't believe both should become one, I think there are three. You, them, and the relationship, or "both".
You should not expect the person you're doing to spend every single minute with you OR like everything you like - as you don't like everything THEY like. Nor should two people be so unlike each other entirely that dating is a chore.
SOME common interests, SOME separate interests, and maybe a couple they've never tried but both are curious about discovering together.
To me it's not about DOING what they like as much as it's allowing them to peacefully enjoy what they like (or let them "keep" it - I can't tell you how many people try to make an SO give up something they always did once a relationship gets serious...that's totally unfair). Of course if you want to try to enjoy it with them, that's fine too. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:53:53 PM | | Finally, msg 27 got it!!! The reason is people are selfish. You can ****foot around it all you want. When ME becomes WE, things change. You want to stay up all night playing video games with your buds? You want to drag your SO through the woods to kill something? You want to sit out on a boat and fish? You want to go to the museum or ballet? What do all these have in common, one guess YOU. We now are a people who value the individual "I" over the we. We want a relationship when we want it. Just like your video game controller, you want to pick it up when you want, you want the same with your relationship, pick it up when you want. OOHhhh and the battery on that sucker(relationship) better be fully charged!! Listen nothing wrong with outside interests, hobbies, individual pursuits but you do have to dial those down when your with another human being who doesn't get off on it. You really need to communicate on this issue with your other half. If they don't get it at all(your thing), then you need to talk through the division of time. That doesn't mean we spend 2-3 hours together now you clean the house and cook dinner while I hit a little "halo". Or how about "hon after you knock out the grocery shopping, just hit the gap on your way home and grab some kakhi's size 34 length 32, thanks" I'm going to be here chillin with grand theft auto!! In addition to communication you need RESPECT, for each other. To tell someone your hobby is just as important as them is direspectful. Life in relationships is a two way street, but you can't let one way get worn out more than the other. A BALANCE of time for you and your partner is what will NOT let things get stale or resentful. My 2 cents, Bob | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:24:18 PM | Some good points- I think what I would sum the best responses up in are that 1)Its about balance, and 2) alot of times if it becomes an issue theres already probably something wrong or lacking in the relationship. I do still think, If I have a very hardcore hobby that is completely not your style, and its something I enjoy regularly-I would like for my other to attempt to take interest in it. Even if it is just occasionally. You guys are so smart.  | |
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42 4 U
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Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 35 | |
| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:39:05 PM | | I believe its all got to do with the "me,myself and I" attitude that so many people have nowadays.If you are going to spend time with someone,you both should be enjoying yourselves.That means taking the time to learn what each other's interests and values are,and being honest with yourself about what you expect,and are willing to bring to this relationship.There has to be give and take,but only to a point.When its not fun anymore,its time to step back and re evaluate the situation.Of course,I am talking about hobby type interests and passtimes,not having kids,living together,buying property together etc. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:42:15 AM | |You wrote what was on my mind, UniqueManinSoCal !
You have to have a balance, on both sides, to be fair to each other. How can you have a relationship with someone who works all day,thencomes home ,sits down and starts playing video games until the wee hrs of the morning, goes to bed and starts the whole thing over again...day in and day out. Then... one day they stop and talk to you for an hr... or go to the movies once a month...and thats their idea of enough time spent with their SO...then back to the same routine. Funny how they get offended when their partners lets them know it effects them.... " Wha..?? I took you to the movies last month!!! Whatcha mean I don't spend any time with you???" There are alot of people who do that now a days...it's an addiction for some, not a hobby.
I was lucky enough to have an SO who shared hobbies with me that we both enjoyed, but when not doing those, he would sit for hrs on end, to the wee hrs of the morn, playing video games or surfing the web . Soon, it started to seem like more and more time was taken from the "us" hobbies to "his" hobbies. That put a strain on our relationship.
Moderation is key, I think.... | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:06:11 AM | I have a friend who has a past time of sleeping in his bed. His gf is his hand. They get along fine. Something his hand gets really tired. He has had therapy lately and now he uses both hands. The moral of the story is adapt and use both hands . | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:15:33 AM | | males and females seem to have totally different hobbies and i think this is a fact of life and to ask one another to sacrifice what spare time they have to put there hobby aside to take part in your partners hobby would be hard work..looking at the majority of ladies interests on here reveals a liking for..gardening..reading..shopping..walking..gym..etc try as i can its hard to find an interest in these..i need more adrenilin soaked hobbies. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:41:38 AM |
I think people should encourage their partners interests but not necessarily feel obliged to take part in them. So long as we actively encourage each others purposes in life, having the same hobbies shouldn't be obligatory.
I couldn't agree more. I will however add that in my opinion, we should at least try out our partners hobbies/intrests at least once. Who knows, we may like them too! | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:00:44 AM | shotgunbarbie, your question reveals an inherent misconcepetion.
Marrying or hooking-up to be together doesn't make two people partners any more than getting into an elevator does. It might appear that way when you look from the outside - but open your mind and ears - lots of people describe feeling alone and miserable after years of 'making an honest effort' and being committed, married and even having what appear a functioning family.
Commitment implies a 2 way path.
People shouting about selfishness are usually the selfish ones - come my way... this way to the promised land... my way is the ONLY way there....
People looking to the partner who is 'miserable' as the problem haven't given much of themselves. - they still want to take more from the miserable... blame the victim!... if only they gave an honest effort!
It starts with knowing your self.
People who mention that a couple should become 'one' are in for a big surprise until they become 'one' them selves - without a partner - so they can knowingly choose someone who will let them be themself when they need to be - alone or together.
bottom line is, You should not become two until you've become ONE.
and if you're miserable as one, you'll increase your misery adding another.
I don't think most people are one yet - they're not a whole person... they need another half-person to complete them...
Are you a whole? cause passions will fade or change. focussing on passion is a surface quality, like looks... when it's gone, its' time for a change... not yet ONE... then you'll confuse success with a one-night stand, or a 6 year fling... my past successes... | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:02:41 AM | My most successful relationships were ones where we did share common interests - and to me interests is too light a word - it's really about one's passions in life.
It does not mean both must do everything together, but honoring each other's passions, knowing how important they are, balancing time together and time separate, knowing if either person were to deny their passions (creative people I am especially talking about here, but it can apply to everyone)....if one denies their passions, one can become a very unhappy person indeed.
So, some here think it's selfish to do what one loves - I think and know for me, it's what keeps me balanced, keeps me loving, helps me in my whole outlook in life, helps me view my partner with love.....and of course, if the one I love shares some of the same things I love, all the better....but not essential.....as long as they also are living life in a way they are most fulfilled.
To deny an essential part of our being seems to be often what undermines many relationships.
To deny our partner by constantly getting that fix or buzz of an activity we are addicted to also will undermine many relationships (imo). | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:07:16 AM | | ^^^^^^^Completely agree. It's ok to have different interests, as long as you accept and encourage each others interests. Sure it is nice if you have one thing you can both tolerate together, but at the end of the day men and womens interests tend to be different (i.e. masculine and feminine) so it's very rare that you find they'll have hobbies in common, (unless of course the woman is into masculine things and the man is into feminine), and there's no point spending time together doing things you both hate doing. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:45:30 AM | | Yea, my grandma hated fishing but grandpa loved it...she would go with him and take a book to read, they were spending time together enjoying separate hobbies. It's all about compromise, eh? | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:02:15 AM | | That's great if you can get hobbies which allow for each other to do their own thing, but how would your grandpa have liked for your grandma to have insisted he learned how to crochet? that's of course if she was capable of it. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:24:18 AM | Message 31 and 32 have it right--it is selfishness.
It is fine to spend time apart doing activities that the other doesn't care for--as long as both agree to this. Also, each should try the hobby/passion a couple of times before refusing to participate. And sometimes---you do something that you don't enjoy because you know your partner really wants you along and it would make the partner happy-----that doesn't mean go and make your partner miserable while you are there.
It is about giving and sharing--that is what you do in a good, mature relationship----you don't have to be attached at the hip, but you want the other person to be happy. Both people have to feel this way. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:27:06 PM | Some people do accommodate their partner’s interests. Throughout the years, I have learned about various sports; gained an appreciation for different genres of music and movies; developed a greater understanding of politics and world events; and learned countless other things by taking an interest in what other people (friends and SOs) were doing. Some things I enjoyed more than others, but I feel that exposure to all of it has made me a well-rounded individual. One should never stop expanding their horizons and learning new things.
I think long term relationships work best and are closer with couples who are like-minded. Though they will share many interests, not all of them have to match exactly. It the like-mindedness that creates a natural and heartfelt interest in one party to sincerely want to know what the other is doing that makes the difference. Their personalities, character, sense of humor, and outlooks are so in sync, the couple views spending time with one another as the best shared interest of all (i.e., they enjoy each other’s company so much, they’re sure to have a good time no matter what they do). Remove the romantic element, and this is applicable with close friends. For me, it is the interaction and connection with those I care about that makes the experience. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:32:19 PM | | So long as you keep your partner happy in the bed, and make him feel supported, it shouldn't matter that you take part in his hobbies. You often here of women who have taken part in all their partners hobbies, yet their partner still feels unsatisfied within the relationship. It's all about sex and understanding really. Hobbies don't have that much baring on it. | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 1:17:26 PM | I dont know what to say realy.. there are some things I am just not interested in..but I will at least try to accomodate there interests the best I can.. but there are some things that I just cant get behind to do. I dont mind going to the mall to shop.. but if I go to a mall itll be for awhile and do the whole thing. See anything I like/want and either get it or find out when it will be on sale if its a big item or great deal and plan to come back. I will not however go to the mall every other weekend to shop.. I just couldnt do it unless she really wanted me to go and we would end up doing something together besides shop.. like lunch or something afterwards like a movie or something then sure.
I dunno thats just an example but I know what you mean.. some people its just inconcievable to accomodate somebody elses hobby.. like you said the fishing thing.. bring a book, fish from shore so she can suntan or whatever.. (get a bigger boat so she can suntan while you fish) lol just see that arguement.. "but honey.. i wanted a bigger boat so you could suntan on the deck"
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:58:38 PM | Some of us do understand the need to be supportive in their partners' interests. I can't say that I like all of the activities my past relationships have partook in, however, sometimes one needs to give a little to get a little.
For me it has been 1) going to the high school graduation of one of HIS friends, just to be supportive and spend time with him, even when I was bored out of my gourd, my butt hurt, and all I got to do is stare at his ex g/f while he ignored me, I was still there...
2) I really don't like Poker and Texas Holdem, however, I found myself grabbing an extra chair and sitting there with a book, until 10 minutes into the game, the other players came up with the idea to make me dealer. I knew NOTHING about the game, but I ended up being the dealer the WHOLE night, and the other players all fought over who was going to transfer to my table. Eventually the guy I was with ended up getting out, and for 3 more hours, I still dealt cards to strangers. By the end of the night, I had an absolute BLAST!!!
It's the simple things like that, that sometimes mean the most to someone. True, you may not like fishing, hunting, or bowling... But that doesn't mean your mate enjoys shopping, going with you to have your hair or nails done, or anything that ladies like to do on a regular basis....
Sometimes we have to go out of our way and risk boredom and misery just to do the little things that make the other person happy. For 5 minutes of your own misery, there may be 5 hours where your mate will do something for you. If you know you are going to be bored, bring a book, a video game, a cell phone with text, something to munch on, and try to be supportive...
CowTrucker
(What's left of...) Chapman, Kansas | |
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| Why dont people entertain their partners interests?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:12:34 PM | Well I have a couple of friends who are married to each other.. they have a very successfull marriage now for over 30 years and here is what they do.. They have two containers.. in one container is an activity that he likes to do.. in the other container is an activity that she likes to do. Once a month the other one pulls from their spouses' container a piece of paper with an activity on it and they have to do that activity together.
I think it is perfectly fine for couples to have separate activities that they do.. but I think that when they become a couple they need to find an activity that both enjoy that they can do together. | |
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