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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:36:06 PM | I guess I am out of touch with the pof vernacular -- especially drama & baggage.
racer, when you describe (in your profile) that you are interested in a woman who thinks outside the white picket fence & list your many exciting interests, I wonder if you either need to update your profile or rethink drama and exhilaration.
I just wonder if I am so out of the loop that I don't define my expectations and desires either for myself or others. I liked my life (pre-last relationship) where I had my own house, a bit of routine and a bit of recreation (sports etc.) and a lot of unknowns. My life was not really falling into any sort of predictable pattern and that was fine by me -- so could have been called drama. There was always something new.
Are >45 people on pof generally looking for companions who will swiftly move through the dating phase and settle into the sitting around at home? Just wondering.
So many people here say that the younger people are the drama kings and queens -- forever in a state of panic about life. Well, what the H*LL do >45 people do when relationships fail, jobs become stressful, school/ university is overwhelming?! Are we supposed to be so mature that we yawn and declare that "ah, well it all happened for a reason," never blinking an eye for fear of being overly dramatic? | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:51:29 AM | amo, there is a big difference between dealing with everyday ups and downs and being a drama king/queen.
Of course people are upset when relationships fail or they have job stress, but they don't dwell on it forever, and go around with the "poor me" attitude. JMO | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/19/2008 5:22:27 AM | | I agree with AW. "Poor me" spells drama person for sure. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:00:43 AM | | amo-vida, "Drama burnout doesnt mean I give up the things that excite me, rock climbing etc...Ive given up a living a life surrounded with folks that have issues/drama caused by their own weakness's or bad choices, including my own...Im not ready to give up hobbies and things that make my life exciting...Im jus not willing to spend time in misery at all... | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:52:56 AM | Okay,
then I'd have to say that I never did lean towards drama -- as in pairing myself with drama-producers or being the drama queen.
But I have life-long friends/ family members who I know can individually be defined by:
1. Always complaining about work under-appreciating h., work really needs h., works overtime without pay, becomes bitter, repeat
2. Can never get enough time off work or can't get the days off to match his mate's
3. Hates job, quits, hates new job & realizes should have stayed with old job, repeats
4. Kids behave badly, don't appreciate h., discipline, give kids anything they ask for, repeat.
But these are also people that I love for plenty of good qualities and I'll support them the same as I have for years .. maybe a little less.
And I have to wonder why anyone here would ever have allowed any kind of drama. I am or have been a bit of a doormat. I have gone out of my way too often for friends/ family who always are in crisis. It just means I have been lucky in life -- so far.
But I am guessing folks here & the OP is mostly concerned with "relationship drama burnout." I still wonder what the heck is this thing called relationship drama that you can choose to have in your life in such large doses that you actually get your fill of it, grow up and then say, "no thanks, I've had enough."
So if you are talking about people who seem to have too much of a "poor me" attitude, are you saying that you used to like being around that stuff? Is it really burnout or do you just get wiser in sizing up people? (not so sure I buy choice #2 because I think that, for those of us looking for love or relationships, drama can masquerade as first/ instant attraction and takes a while to reveal its true nature) | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/19/2008 11:08:29 AM | well first of all a quote from the great philosopher james buffett would help: "if we wernt all crazy we would go insane". that said i think most of us would like to have a good relationship but dont want to go through the serial monogomy or the other type s of drama involved. truth to tell for this old parrothead i still believe love is as "perenial as the grass" but i am not going to settle for just anyone to have someone to come home to. soooooo, whats left? fishing in the great sea of singlehood and hoping and believing for the best. drama is part of every relationship, be it lovers or parent child or any other. the thing we have to do is find that person whose drama level matches ours pretty closely. if you get involved with drama folks, like i used to, you will probably find the situation draining and tiring all the time. thats why i always get to know someone pretty well, by spending lots of time with them, before committing to any sort of exclusive relationship. my biggest red flag is when someone pushes for commitment quickly and without really getting to know me. anwyway ms flower dont give up or give out on love just yet. yeah you probably gonna hook a gar or two in the pof pond cause they run with the bass most of the time. but you just pitch em back and dont worry too much about it. theres good and bad fish in every pond. you just gotta keep the line in the water and wait on the heart to give a good tug. happy  the old parrothead | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 57 | |
| drama burnout
Posted: 6/19/2008 12:57:20 PM |
So you want a real realtionship at this age?
For sex, yes.
But I suspect that the word "real" means that sex isn't a valid pursuit.
Otherwise, you`ll just be doing alot of one time meets
Nope.
I quit.
I make my stance clear and that saves "a lot of one-time meets".
It may be different if you're tracking down men like a big-game hunter.
What do you think?
I think that 66.6% of women are net liabilities.
They cost time and effort but give little back in return.
Of the remaining 33.3%, I think at least 1/2 have serious problems I don't want to deal with. I'm currently having the best sex of my life without a lot of emotional weirdness, "mis-communication" or expense. And if/when it ends, I will do the same thing that led to my current situation.... insist on sex, avoid emotionally needy, paranoid women, and split the bill. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/19/2008 2:21:50 PM | | I've met fellows who have 'no drama or games' in their profile, only to find out their lives were so full of stupid drama, game playing which created a whole bunch of hurt for many people and children, that it did burn me out. Amazes me the games people still play. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:57:06 PM |  Oh my god! Talk about drama shimbo. I opened up your profile, flames shot out from my keyboard and, before crashing, the monitor flashed "drama dram drama." Some profiles really do let on when a fishy is going to be do drama magic tricks. Women are net liabilities  I could tell you a story about losing big time to a man but I .... ooooh, now I'm melting .... | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:04:11 AM | Drama is what happens when one just can't handle very well the 'stuff' of life.
Drama burnout, (to me at my age), means I've been handling 'stuff' all these years on a pretty even keel....
I know how to live with a pretty solid inner peace...
and I choose now to not be around others that haven't learned and lived that.
I guess, to me, it's not really that I "burned out" on being around so many people who can't handle the 'stuff' of life..
it's that I have a better arena of choice now at this age,
so heck yeah, I'm gonna pick the Smile And Let It Go group!
Use to be I didn't have that choice ... because...
I had kids in the home, 'had' to be around their friend's parents, 'had' to be in a job with a ba-humbug crappy boss now and then, 'had' to be around this or that drama-person for one reason or another, you know how it goes.
It's life before retirement!
And through it all, I kept my own inner peace and didn't get hooked on 'drama' myself.
Now I do not have to be around it... so I don't, very much.
I'm retired enough where I can be around (mostly) my own choice of people..
and I pick people who show that inner peace. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:17:43 AM | OK, so if I'm getting this right, nobody wants to hear the complaints and so they label the complainers as dramatic.
Right, nobody likes complainers, especially when their complaining.
Complainers need some one to complain to but no one wants to be a good listener for the complainers.
To appear like a good listener, one must not complain about the other's complaining during the complaining. You should wait until the complainer has presented his/her complaint (at least once)...
Really really good complainers can drive off any excess drama in a matter of seconds with deft complaints in retort to any attempt at drama insertion and usually live alone... or with pets.
Speaking of pets, anybody got dramatic pet stories, Pets are allowed to be dramatic, you know.... | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:43:00 AM | I define “drama”, as a life experience or event that directly and negatively impacts my own life.
I try as much as possible to avoid creating those experiences myself, by making wise, well thought out choices and considering the consequences of my actions. Some people don’t. Some people enjoy “living on the edge”, taking unacceptable or irresponsible risks, and letting the chips fall where they may. It’s when the results of that lifestyle affect others, either inadvertently or deliberately, that it crosses into the realm of the type of drama that I consider to be an imposition and that I have no empathy for.
Sh*t happens to everybody. Some of it’s unavoidable and beyond our control and I have a great deal of compassion for people when they have to deal with that brand of drama, or more accurately, “life”. But I don’t for the “drama mongers”; those who seem to always have some sensational, traumatic deal going on in their lives, that they continuously gripe about or foist on others to fix for them.
LH | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:47:13 AM | mac, everyone has "complaints' throughout life ... that's fairly 'normal'.
Just some people kinda thrive on complaining, ya know?
It's the fuel that keeps their motion ... well...in motion.
It sort of energizes them... to go on... and do more complaining... and it keeps piling up.
As 'peaceful' as I try to be.. Lord have mercy, I can complain now and then too.
So can my friends.
We'll listen to each other's complaints.
But I choose to be around those who don't pile it up and stay in motion with it.
The people (and pets, lol) that I choose to be around know how to 'shake it off' and not get hung up with it beyond voicing (or barking, lol) the complaint.
Those that get their energy from it all... they, in my opinion, are the ones who enjoy this "drama" thing. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 6:24:35 AM | | I think at times we all need to voice what troubles us. It is a way of dealing with the issue and moving on. However, there are those, that appear to continously thrive on drama. My ex was like that. OMG it would just drive me bonkers! I do not mind, and have done on many occasions, listened to family/friends vent their woes. Isn't that what friends/family are for? The only time I will draw the line, and I am getting much better at this as I age, is when certain folks keep playing the same tune! If you have an issue, deal with it and move on. For those that for whatever reason, continue to whine and moan about the same thing over and over without any attempt at rectifying the problem, I simply do not have time. That may sound harsh but I work at my own issues, repair and move on. Others should too. Besides, it truly can get emotionally draining dealing with people who always appear to have one problem after another, after another.... | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:37:46 AM | | Glad to hear someone else has those thoughts. Relationships do take a lot of work, but then anything worthwhile is never easy. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 9:37:05 AM | My oldest sister (today is her 54th birthday -- kind of) complained all the time -- on and on. "Maybe I should never have left my husband, my kids don't appreciate me, I'm so depressed, quit trying to be my counselor, what should I do, don't tell me what to do ..." She would also do anything for anybody & give the clothes off her back. She lost everything in her divorce when her kids were toddlers & re-built her life working as a nurse.
That girl had drama if drama is being stuck in a life that doesn't seem to allow for many breaks. I have to admit that she was, as 'breath' (a few ^^^) describes, one of those people who seem to get nourishment from troubles. I think family did get fed up & wanted to not listen but we did ... with a touch less compassion.
Just over two years ago she decided she was done complaining & she committed suicide.
What I wouldn't do to have her call me up and tell me a problem or invite me over for coffee at her terminally chaotic house. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 9:44:43 AM | However, I would not date a person like my sister. Some choices are not ours to make (family, friends who have become family). Other choices -- partners, new friends -- we can choose.
I would not socialize with a person who drained me -- but that is not a matter of burnout. It is a choice that I have always made because my personality has always demanded those quiet, down times. Recharge time and not being surrounded by emotional leaches. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:56:29 PM |
That girl had drama if drama is being stuck in a life that doesn't seem to allow for many breaks. I have to admit that she was, as 'breath' (a few ^^^) describes, one of those people who seem to get nourishment from troubles. I think family did get fed up & wanted to not listen but we did ... with a touch less compassion.
Just over two years ago she decided she was done complaining & she committed suicide.
I'm sorry to hear about your sister.
A lot of times it is nobody's fault. It seems like your sister had a full plate dealt to her but still had a heart of gold.
She couldn't have liked the drama that much. :(
I have a sister similar to that. She would make up stories about being sick, and other things and I would ignore her most of the time, because of the drama. She was also an alcoholic.
She has now been fighting cancer for 2 years. I sometimes wonder if there was anything I could have said or done to help her, instead of ignoring it. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:49:46 PM | "Pets are allowed to be dramatic, you know...."
Not in my home. My pets look at drama king, queens, dogs and cats as if to say "can someone see the mosquito's out of the area". They have never seen or heard an argument, much less anything worse. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 6:37:24 PM | A-W, I too am sorry for the sadness in your life and for maybe attempting to fight the battles that are not really ours to fight. I guess we are only there to love our sisters and let them know they are loved. You are getting pulled into that question that will never have an answer -- could I have done more?
I just started reading "if the Buddha dated" (by Charlotte Kasl) and I came across a most helpful and general statement about the distinction between pain & suffering:
Painful situations are just inherently a part of life -- loss, death, illness.
To accept these things as part of life (one of the truths), is to ease our suffering.
Accept what is and let go of endless demands of what we believe should be. Suffering does not necessarily follow pain. There are 4 basic truths & this is just one of them.
Being a far from enlightened person, I can only hold onto this truth for moments and, during these moments, I don't have to dwell on why this had to happen to my sister (or why would she have chosen to end her life in such a violent way) but to just know that sadness, like joy, is part of life.
We all get to be wise & look back at how we would have treated a loved one if we had it all to do over again. Well, maybe we do have that chance. We do get wiser but we must use that wisdom as we move forward. You have the present to give to your sister -- a terrific gift.
Sorry for the drama. I had a wonderful day being quite dramatic -- my sister was a person who never ever forgot a family birthday. So, today, I celebrated her birthday by treating myself to a luxurious walk by the ocean, a latte and a piece of cake. High drama by the high seas watching life just move along. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 6:42:09 PM | amo-vida, I understand how you feel. I have accepted the fact that I can't be everything to everyone, but I do my best and love my sisters. I lost my oldest sister to cancer last year. Of course we miss them, but life goes on!
The best memories are the happy ones shared with loved ones.
JMO | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 73 | |
| drama burnout
Posted: 6/20/2008 6:47:31 PM |
I opened up your profile, flames shot out from my keyboard and, before crashing, the monitor flashed "drama dram drama."
I'd say your computer knows you far better than I do. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:30:56 AM | anyone who has travelled through life w/o "burdens", is not the person for me. because it says they have not risked and therefore have not grown. "baggage" however, means a person has not "let go" of the past. has not learned lessons. the burdens are not current or are self imposed or too demanding of one's time in proportion to what else is being put on the table.
drama adds an unwelcome and immature emotional component. men often bring their anger or their grumpiness to what would otherwise be a typical situation. women often their tears or assumptions. i guess taking one's past and then flinging it onto undeserving present situations or people. needing sorely a paradigm shift. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:16:27 PM | I’ve been burned out of a lot of things over the years – some I’ve participated in by choice and others ... well, I haven’t really had a lot of choice. With respect to drama, an example of the first is the water-cooler chats about Charlie in the mailroom and his latest romance, or something similar. An example of the second is going through death, sickness, financial or mental ruin with anyone I might be close to – real-life, personal types of things. The second type of drama, the real-life examples, the ‘often not so nice’ things, are the ones that I do participate in. And usually, it’s because I really don’t have a choice (morally). I’ll often find myself involved with the problems of a friend or relative, talking with them, sitting with them, being a ‘sounding board’ to their ‘dumping’, any way that I can think of, really – and yes, it is indeed, drama. And much as it would be nice to wave the ‘good guy’ flag, it really is done on a more selfish level. If I have problems in my own life, concentrating on someone else’s who’s are worse, often minimizes my own and lets a bit of time pass until I can think of ways to solve them. If things are going well in my own life, sharing positive energy and bringing someone else up a bit is very good for the ego. And yes, this can burn me out at times as I do tend to push my involvement with the problems of those that I’m close to maybe a little more than most. And because I do tend to fill the unused spots in my life with this type of real-life drama, I really don’t have any room for the other type of drama – what I call, ‘manufactured’ drama. And this type of drama would be impossible for me to burn out on because, simply, I don’t participate in it.
I seriously dated a woman many moons ago who would spend her afternoons with her friends and family discussing what everyone else in everyone else’s lives was doing. The second-cousin, three times removed, that just had her 15-year-old kid kicked out of school was rehashed over and over around a coffee table – judgments on the mother, the child, the school system. Everyone knew about Ms. Jones’ cat, two blocks away, and the terrible care she gave it. On and on and on – it was nuts, and a large part of why the relationship between her and I didn’t last long. This is what I call manufactured drama. It is real-life situations, but with a non-involvement twist. Because of their view of Ms. Jones and her cat, none of the group that spent their afternoons talking about her, had ever met or talked with this woman.
I did a musical project with a guitarist/singer a while back who thought every song, every lyric, guitar riff and artist were fabulous, terrific, unreal, unbelievable, etc. It became nauseating in it’s predictability – the only difference being the level of superlatives that he used. It drove me nuts. Manufactured drama. Kids do this a lot – myself included, when I was one. My first teenage ‘break-up’ was the end of the world, as I knew it – and I’m sure I drove people nuts with it (my poor friends back then). But as I got older, I chose the drama I got involved with. And I also chose to either get involved with it or let it go. I get involved with the drama of friends and relatives in an active way. And by this I mean that if I am actively participating in easing the drama, to return things to normal, with people I am close to, I will get involved. Otherwise, I will not. If the involvement is non-participatory and just involves talking about it, and judging it from a distance, I avoid it. And yes, at times the problems of others that I do involve myself in does, at times, burn me out a bit, but it’s OK. Because when I need someone to talk to – doesn’t happen much, but when it does – there is someone there who will listen to my drama and try to ease it for me. It all weighs out even in the long run.
And if I posted earlier in this thread that I don’t involve myself with drama ... well ... ummm ... err ... upon further thought ... it appears as though I lied.
cdn guy | |
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