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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:13:52 AM |
Then there's what is called the "5 year itch" (not like the movie the 7 Year Itch). In this case, it is common for couples to live together for a period of time before they are married. Often reasons for getting married in this case are not really substantial. When I say substantial, I mean there is an assumption that marriage will fix some existing problem in the relationship. This is where marriages tend to end early, because obviously marriage has not fixed the problem.
Might I clarify the part where you state "obviously marriage has not fixed the problem". Unfortunately, [bold] SOME [/bold] people are under the impression that good looks and great sex will fix character flaws. Thanks, mass media. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:27:36 AM | Why are so many young marriages ending so soon?
Because many think that if they hook up with someone for a relationship or get married, it will solve all their problems. When people get married, we are SO focused on the "big day" as opposed to the day after when you wake up from the "big production/party" that is meant for all the guests that attend. We don't stop to think that we are now responsible to and for someone in our lives.
Sure, my parents had the odds stacked against them big time. My mom was 19 years and my dad was 22 years of age respectively. They met in a language class in college. A year later they eloped and the following year, I was born. And no, lest you think otherwise, my folks were NOT expecting me when they married. Not that it would have made a dime's worth of difference.
At that time, my mom quit college and my dad was a struggling student teacher, but in the summers he was a catastrophe crop hail adjustor and traveled the midwest quite a lot. It was NOTHING for him to leave Monday morning and be on the road until Friday. Later on, my father quit teaching alltogether and became a full time adjustor working with various insurance companies here in midwest. Also, during this time, my mom went back to school at night, held a full time job, had a full time kid and husband.
Whenever, Dad was on the road, mom and I basically stayed busy and counted the days until Friday night when he would come home. Friday was an actual DAY for us, and we always were very thankful and celebrated the fact he came home safe and in one piece. He always had big hugs for us, stories from the road about people he met (which by the way later on became our good clients when Dad opened up his own insurance agency), little gifts in his pockets for us, and the most important - himself. And of course, Mom would have a dinner planned because Dad himself couldn't wait to get home, gather around the table and relax with us, and have a good home cooked meal.
But I will tell you, Mom and I kept the homefires burning while he was on the road and we talked with him every single night and sometimes in the early mornings before we headed out for work and school. We always knew where he was and if he as much as changed hotels we knew it immediately. In order for Dad to have the job he did, it took a mighty effort for all three of us as a family to keep things going. Yes, both my parents had AMPLE opportunity to step out on each other, but they did not. It just wasn't and isn't their style. I am happy to say at this present writing, they have just celebrated 39 years of marriage this past month.
I know of all the sacrifices they made and believe me, there were many, to stay together and keep together. As my mom has always maintained, communication is the key and everything else will follow. We each have a job to do and it takes both parties involved to keep it going. - It just does NOT magically happen like Hollywood and the rest of the popular media would like for us to believe. You have to make your expectations and desires known. They may not always if at all be fulfilled, but some will. But the point is, they are known. No, it isn't all roses and lollipops but hard work on the part of both people to keep it going.
I have watched my parents over the years and they are still just as devoted to each other and as nuts about each other as they were when they were younger. No it wasn't easy for them and yes, they did have some rough times, but through communication and a whole lot of understanding they did weather the storms of life. I am sure it wasn't easy for my great grand parents who were married almost 70 years, but nothing in this life worth having is easy.
Dad was always an advocate for Mom and I to have some independence as well. He wanted both of us, that being my Mom and I, to be able to take care of ourselves should something drastic happen to him. - Thank God nothing ever did. In all of this, I received the gifts of independence and self reliance, of which I could never repay him. In recent years, when they purchased a vehicle for Mom, Dad advised her to take the loan out herself - so she could have some credit on her own. When it was time for me to purchase my own vehicle, Dad said he would co-sign if I needed it, but I was able to do it on my own. He always maintained that women in general should be able to get out there and make and honest living and have their own money if they so choose.
In today's disposable society, it is just easier to walk away than to take the steps and measures to work on it. People just walk away from it like yesterday's newspaper and move on too quickly when they can't find the "quick fix" for all their problems. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:05:31 PM | Simple... We either jump into it too fast without actually getting to know our mates, or circumstances delegate that we should get married for moral reasons...
Back long ago, life used to be much more simple, and as we evolve, things are now complicated. It takes 2.5 incomes to support a family of 3. 50 years ago, the man worked, and the woman tended house...
Counseling has also become something of disregard. It seems most people don't want to work (HARD) at something, they would rather take the easy way out. In my case, my ex used to take his frustrations from his work and daily life out on my physically. I tried and tried to stay in and make it work, but it took him putting me in the hospital from hitting me head on with my full-size 4x4 pickup, and burning my house down with me in it, to realize that it was not the best situation for me to be in. Other people have their own reasons as well. It could be their own safety or the safety of their children...
As I've gotten older, my standards, and expectations have grown. Now, as opposed to then, I've learned about myself, and what I want in my life. I've found that in thinking to myself, I now know where I want my life to be, and what I want in a mate. At this point, I do not plan on settling. I'm perfectly content with being single, until the right one comes along, as opposed to being young, and thinking I was doomed if I didn't have a partner...
CowTrucker
Chapman, Kansas | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:10:49 PM |
And why are these divorcees so hot?
My ex wife AND ex girlfriend told me the exact same thing. They both said "marriage is just a piece of paper". If you have that attitude, it's not going to last. You have to respect what a marriage is, and the values that it stands for. I do, but they didn't. Those are the ones getting the divorces. My ex wife decided she needed to "relive the youth that she lost by being married" after 12 years of marriage. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:04:25 PM |
"Red" states have a "divorce rate 27% higher than "Blue" states". It seems that liberals are more likely to get out of the marriage than work on it like the conservatives do.
1_blonde,
As a card carrying lefty, liberal I feel I have to correct you on this one. "Red states" are conservative states. "Blue states" are the liberal ones. Also, the highest rates of divorce are in the "bible belt." Doesn't get much more "Red" than that. Red or blue. Divorce is a sad affair whenever it happens. Let's not make this political. Just a thought.
Lateef | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:10:38 PM | | No matter what the political affiliation, Independent, Democrat or Republican, age, race, socioecononic background, the divorce rate is very, very high. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:42:41 PM | | I married at the age of 21 thinking it was what I wanted I was with my husband since we were 18. Long relationship considered to some. We thought at 21 we were going to be together for ever, needless to say we had separate friends and very different jobs, we ended up drifting apart. We left our marriage under very good terms, understanding we simply drifted apart. I would never regret getting married so young, it was what we both wanted and ill never think anything wrong about it.. So it didnt work im sure people that get married in there older years dont work also, so what we were young and thought our relationships where the last. Same as 30 or 40 year olds who's marriages don't work | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/14/2008 9:41:36 PM | Look at the posts; one person just posted "I'm a super smart, intelligent and sophisticated and complex woman. I am with a guy that is good looking and great with sex. But he doesn't want to work, does drugs and drinks a lot, goes to clubs with buddies and isnt very respectful. HUH? Should I be with him?
OMG. Here is a young person who is as shallow as Jessica Simpson at a spelling bee, saying how smart she is but choosing to be with a loser because he looks good and screws good? Thats dumb; not smart and not intelligent.
The biggest problem is the 20 somethings are extremely shallow. Not all of course. Because of the dot.com boom in the 90's many families have money. Todays 20 somethings are usually spoiled, party and have sex with anything that moves, and chooses mates for all the wrong reasons.
Their decisions about sex and relationships are clueless. The NIH (national institute of health) shows that 1/4 of teens has an STD. In the African American community its almost 1/2. The numbers are MUCH worse for 20 somethings because they have more partners.
In the shallow Paris Hilton society we live in, its the toys you have and how you look. Thats what makes a good mate in young peoples eyes. Thats why so many young single mothers have unprotected sex and get more kids, and they make terrible decisions. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:04:08 AM | IMO.... people tend to get married before they know what they really want, or before they know the person that they are marrying. Young people especially tend to think they know EVERYTHING about everything and they cant be wrong. So when they think they know that are "in love" and nothing will go wrong, why not go for that next step? When in reality, they do it and its not all its cracked up to be. OR they married in such a quick timeframe that they do not know the person they are marrying. People (young especially) tend to not know what they want, and if they do it is likely that what they want will change before they know it.
This is all just my opinion of course, but also how I base my relationships (in a sense)... I completely and utterly refuse to get married until I feel I am ready for that commitment on my end, and my SO is ready for it as well. Im only 22 (still young I know, but doesnt feel like it sometimes) and have been ready for that next step once in my life. But of course with my luck, prior to me actually proposing, and after putting $1000 down on the ring PLUS the hotel room and horse drawn carriage ride around the city, we ended up breaking up.
A lot of my opinion is based on how I was raised and what I saw from my parents... I refuse to ever put myself into the position my parents were in, and even more so, my kids (once I have them of course!). I WILL NOT get married until I am certain that my marriage will last beyond a reasonable doubt. I know its not 100% guaranteed that it will last, but I think my chances may be better than some other people. Maybe if people thought about it more similar to how I do, the divorce rate wouldnt be as high? | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:22:38 AM | | In my opinion, I think a main reason there are so many people getting married and divorced so young is because so many of our young people are going off to war in Iraq and they feel like they need to get married and have a baby before they leave so that have something to come home to and a child to carry on their legacy should they not come back. Just look at how many 19, 20, 21 year old kids there are in the military who are already married with kids. These young women tend to just like the way a guy looks in his uniform and when he is gone for a year to 18 months and comes home either in a body bag or with PTSD, they bail. I think this is the major reason in American society today. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:48:06 AM | | The answer is quite simple. Marry a guy, have a couple kids, then divorce him and get a guaranteed meal ticket courtesy of Child Support Services. Then go after all the studs you missed while married. In the meantime the state is busy building prison cells that will be filled as a result of this continuous neglect and mental abuse of our youth. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:10:20 AM | People don't care to work things out like they used too......they rather look for next new person....the next best thing or thrill......truly a shame | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:16:02 AM | | I think when things get stressful and bad nobody wants to work on it anymore. Finding someone new seems to be easy enough. I was willing to give anything for my marriage, my husband was the one who thought leaving was just "easier". More people need to be dedicated to commitments they make, and not choose to leave as the answer. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:33:31 AM | I believe it's due to a general lack of desire for sex.
Propaganda tells us young people are having a lot of sex but are they really? Even if a person goes out every Saturday night and scores that means sex is a weekly event. If a 20-something couple lived together they would be having sex at least once a day.
We've become a society where our job and education and activities have all replaced sex. Even married couples work overtime or work and take night classes or find activities to do in the evening. It wasn't that way throughout history.
If we go back 100 years we had a couple in a room with a lantern or candle and, perhaps, a fireplace flickering. No TV, no stereo, no computer, no malls open all night....what do people think happened?
Even if we go back to the 1950s most people were at home in the evening with one TV station. People were not taking night classes at the local university or checking out the mall.
It has all changed. Sex is no longer that important which means having a partner is no longer that important. Add to that various toys and other sexual accoutrements, should the urge arise, and a partner becomes an option.
Furthermore, some studies have indicated there has been a decrease in sperm count over the last fifty years.
Looking at the profiles on here we see that activities and interests (other than sexual) are the requirements for a partner. Basically a full time friend. As activities and interests change the person is replaced by a more compatible individual. Because sex is not high on the list and because one does not usually participate in a specific activity, one which requires a partner, on a daily basis there is no requirement for a partner. Thus, divorce becomes the norm. It is not the tragedy or loss it used to be.
The idea of finding the "right one", that unique individual that stirred unbridled passion, has become obsolete. The general consensus is, "If we get along, sex will happen." What used to be the motivating factor is now relegated to a place of little importance.
So, we split up. Another golf partner will be along shortly and , if not, there's always someone up for a round of golf.
IMO, divorce is so common because the reason for getting together was nothing more than a reason for a friendship. That's why it's not unusual for divorced couples to remain friends. That's all they ever were. Friends.
When I met my partner 12 years ago I made a point of emphasizing the importance of sex. It is vital to a romantic relationship and when two people connect on that level they make sure they keep their partner.  | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 1:29:46 PM | | There is a whole LOT more to a relationship than just sex. Sure, it's important, but definitely NOT the be all end all. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 4:07:57 PM | essentially people arent happy with just dating anymore
they come out of school and its a race to better their friends. To prove to them that theyre more successfull, that theyre more of an adult, that they have someone who not only loves them but wants to marry them
they dont want to be dating they want to be engaged. They want the house, the dogs, the mortgage.
but theres a definite conclusion to being engaged and thats to get married so essentially all these kids are getting married because they feel they have to now that theyre engaged
so everyone ends up married at the the age of 23.
And that doesnt even take into account the people who get knocked up before 20, and marry the guy theyve been dating since they were 15/16
so when they become 30 and theyre thinking this is the only guy ive slept with, and that grass sure does look greener over there they end up divorcing
taking marriage at its most literal in that it should be for life,
if you think you can find your soulmate and the person you want to spend the remaining 55 years of you life with in only 3 or 4 years of dating AND within a 20 mile radius of your house then youre certainly setting yourself up for failiure
finding the person who completes you should be an arduous and long journey because you shouldnt be settling for the guy who knocks you up or the first lady who lets you feel underneath her underoos
it should be a case of travelling and searching. Of failiure time and time again because to accept someone whos unacceptable just to get that gold band on your finger isnt what its all about
when you accept that gold ring you should do it knowing that there isnt anyone else on this earth who you would want more than your hubby/wife
and i dont see how anyone can do that at 18/19 years of age or even in their mid twenties | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:01:00 PM | -First, it is easier today to divorce than in the past, for several reasons (financial independence of the woman, mentalities etc.)
-Second, people expect love of their marriage, and if they don't have it/feel it, it is for them a reason to divorce. In the past, I guess people also looked for love, but it wasn't like today on such a high expectation. They were getting along whith the situation if needed, even if their feelings were not exactly as they wished, because they had families, etc.
Maybe the medias are responsible on a part of it, showing models of love that are far from reality...Maybe, the mentalities developed, and today you don't think only to get "your bread" but people are more aware and interested in their personal growing, feelings, etc.
-Third: the society: "take and throw". The value of marriage, and of trying to keep something you have, even when it does ask from you an effort, is lower. The adds, everything around you says to you "if it doesn't good, change, move on".
Just a few thoughts... | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:58:54 PM |
(Msg 40) There is a whole LOT more to a relationship than just sex. Sure, it's important, but definitely NOT the be all end all.
As people get older they tend to forget what desire was like. Think back to how you felt about that first love. Weren't they more important to you than any "friend"? Were your thoughts centered around going to the mall with them or playing cards or going on a pik-nik OR were your thoughts consumed about wrapping your arms around them?
Today, people tend to look for a "friend" as witnessed by the profiles and that's what they end up getting, a friend. Sooner or later the reasons that brought them together change as most friendships change and they move on. There was never any passion so they really don't care. There was nothing special. Nothing soul-touching.
Sex is supposed to be the "be all and end all". That's the connection between a man and a woman. If it's just another "thing" like similar activities or similar political views then what is there to hold a couple together? They are nothing but buddies or pals.
That's why it's no big deal whan people split today. That's why it seemed like ones world was falling apart when love ended in our youth. We were passionate about our partner. Hell, today, people talk about not settling and that's exactly what they do. They pair up with a pal. The chemistry, the connection, what I call "love" is not there and the worst part of it is when it is there people deliberately go slow and try to stifle it. They kill the very ingredient that is necessary for a successful, romantic relationship and then wonder why people have affairs or make up some excuse to leave so they can find that elusive sexual connection.
Simply put, one does not leave the person they have the "hots" for. One does not mistreat the person they have the "hots" for. One does everything they can for that person so, yes, sex is the "be all and end all".
Unfortunately, couples forget that and rather than promote sexual activity they do everything to discourage or avoid it. Then they end up wondering what happened. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:53:49 PM | Are the divorce rates on the rise? Has anyone googled it...lol
If they are, then my 3 guesses as to why would be (cue the generalizations):
1) People are more selfish and materialistic than they used to be. We always think of ourselves and what we get out of it...or want something more or something better.
2) People don't put as much value into marriage and family as they used to. Some people probably say "hey, what the hell, let's do it".
3) With the whole equality, feminist movement, etc. Genders roles are upside down and sideways. Probably makes it even tougher on us now to make it work...we don't even know what we're supposed to be doing!
Before i get flamed by feminists and such...i didn't say it was a bad thing, just a possible reason.
There's also the stress of both parents HAVING TO work, instead of it being a choice (at least for most people) and what all that brings with it. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:09:33 PM | | Sex is a pretty lame excuse to end a relationship. Marriage takes work. Keeping your partner happy takes work. Marriage does not make bad sex good. Marriage does not make sex go bad. It takes a lot work on both sides to keep the relationship going, to keep sex interesting...sex doesn't cause a marriage to fail, people do. | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:39:12 PM | OP, when I saw this I had to answer from a very young divorced woman's stand point...
I'm 20 years old and yes I am divorced... My marriage was not anulled...
I got married when I was 18 years old because well; I wanted what so many young girls think actually exists; Prince Charming... I got married, and on the day I married him; the beast was unleashed...
For 3 1/2 months he beat the living daylights out of me... I stood up for myself and fought back every step of the way. But I didn't want to get divorced because I felt like the whole world would laugh at me if I gave up and became divorced at 18... I finally couldn't take his abuse anymore and I got out... We were married for 3 1/2 months and separated for a following 4 months before the divorce was final...
He took every penny I had and I even had to pay the divorce fee's...
Everyone has mixed opinions on my marriage and my divorce... But I have to look at it from the good point. At least I got out while I had the opportunity... At least he didn't kill me then or let me die slowly by trapping me in the marriage and beating me for the next 20 years. I would have wound up a mentally wounded 40 year old with 2 to 3 kids and feeling like no one could ever love me... I couldn't let myself wind up in the situation... I knew for my sake and for my happiness I had to get out. Thank God I did...
I know this happens alot of times... No one ever tells young women what marriage is really like, and that it's better to wait for the right man to come along... Every man has a little prince charming in him and a little bit of an jerk off in him... But there are those men who choose to let the jerk off be silent...
Alot of men change as well as women change once the marriage vows have been changed; especially young people...
Also, many people want instant satisfaction now a days versus waiting for someone to say I love you following their actions, we want the words first... We often disregard the actions of those around us and because we don't hear the affirmation of their affection for us we don't realize that actions really do speak louder than words...
I'm not alone... 5 of my friends males and females are also divorced; they are all the exact same age as myself. 3 have children...
The same question about why we get divorced so quickly is why are we having children so rapidly and at such a young age...
Because we were raised in an adult world, therefore we live as adults far too soon and far to young than what we should... | |
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:52:10 AM | Kitten, I am glad you got out and hope you are now safe. The situation you were in had to be scary. I hope you have a good support system to help you when you need it.
Nobody deserves to be abused. Nobody.
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| So many young divorces
Posted: 6/16/2008 5:56:47 AM | Why do many young divorces end so soon? I think most people have a rather idyllic vision of how marriages used to go. The truth is that not everyone ended up blissfully happy after 20 years of marriage( eg our parents and grandparents). There was a lot of misery swept under the rug because there were no other choices. The reality is that people grow and mature differently, most folks today have a unreasonable expectation of love and marriage and thinks that love is all that matters, and as soon as the marriage doesn't meet what our expectation are ( whether its because of Holly wood, or Harlequin romance novels) we settle for the quick out.
I hear most folks say " oh my parents married young and is still together today" What most folks fail to understand is back in the day People used to forgive or ignore each others' infidelities, carelessness, or even abuse in order to save face and supposedly for the children's sake. | |
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RTW967
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Joined: 6/12/2008
Msg: 50 | |
| So many young divorces, so little time...
Posted: 6/16/2008 6:23:13 AM | | No-fault divorces make it easier to split than it is to get hitched in the first place. Takes one to divorce, takes two to marry not to mention that this is a disposable society. The tv, microwave, toaster, friendship, marriage broken??? Chunk it and get another one! Nobody keeps anything anymore. Nothing is sacred. Fixing it takes too much time, money, effort esp. if your replacement/substitute is just around the corner. And another thing, there is ALWAYS someone out there willing to be the "other" person. Given that availability and opportunity, if you want out and need the impetus by cheating/experiencing available options prior to divorcing/officially splitting up, it is all so prevalent. If your sig. other hasn't invested emotionally in you as much as you have with them, it will be a shock and devestating to learn that they weren't in it for the long haul... No matter if your wedding band was inscribed with "My Love Forever" OR/IN ADDITION TO the dozen + years you were exclusive, monogamous, devoted, and would travel space/time to get them back if abducted. Anymore, it's "My Love Forever" OR until I find someone more interesting/bigger salary, bigger-->"fill in the blank", I got tired of the rut and want to move on. It's just way too frickin' easy to give up, lose interest, find another, and divorce. Simple. | |
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