| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:58:23 AM | latinchk, I agree with everything you said. "Back in the day", we didn't have the internet, and dating was different. Some people who are from my generation still don't know the rules have changed. Yes, it might have been foolish of this woman to be so trusting, but maybe she simply didn't know better. Regardless of whether she didn't know any better, or if she misjudged his character, she didn't deserve this. NOBODY deserves to be raped. I thought we were past the days of "she was asking for it by wearing that short skirt".
As for the man who did the alleged rape, I don't think it has anything to do with how nice or trusting the woman is. It's an act of violence and control, and if he's found guilty of this crime (in court), he needs to be punished to the full extent of the law.
If she had met him in a public place, and he followed her home later, people would have an entirely different view of what happened. Why should that make a difference? "no" means "no".....period. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/14/2008 9:04:17 AM | ^^^there's a big difference between the old days when you invited a man to pick you up at your parent's home (with parents being there!) and today. This isn't the old days any more. And being nice and trusting is naive. this is a different world today. women have to use some common sense. This is a free dating site where predators exist and lurk, looking for victims.
And of course nobody deserves to be raped, period. But a woman has to use some common sense such that she hopefully reduces the chances of attracting a predator. It's fine to say that a woman should be able to dress however she wants and that she doesn't deserve to be raped...........of course she doesn't deserve to be raped.........but common sense should dictate that if you dress or carry yourself in a certain way, you increase the odds of attracting a sicko who is not going to take "no" for an answer.
What is wrong with using a little discretion and common sense? How many women on here brag about how they meet a guy of POF for he first time, at her home...........or she goes to see him and spend the weekend at his place. If he just happens to be a rapist (how is she going to know his history?), she's in a lot of trouble. Why put yourself at risk for trouble?
I remember a post on here in the past by some stoopid woman who met a guy on here one evening.......they chatted until 11pm. He suggested they meet. she invited him over to her house to watch movies. She only had a TV and DVD player in her bedroom so that's where they watched movies......................WTF? You invited a stranger over to your house that you've chatted with for 2 hours, to your bedroom, to watch movies? Why would any stable, intelligent woman take such a risk? | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/14/2008 9:05:54 AM |
Asking someone to your house or dressing a certain way does not mean you want or deserve to be raped
I don't think you'll get anyone to disagree with you there, but stupid is stupid, and asking
a complete stranger to your home is STUPID.
Saying "By all means, pick me up at home" isn't "By all means, rape me when you come to pick me up for our date".....
And yet it invites insanity into your life.... So CHOICES are the key here. This isn't the 50's......
and it's up to all of us to be aware of the consequences of OUR actions.
Be cautious, be careful and realize that YOUR actions to protect yourself are UP TO YOU!
The real question is how can anyone in this day and age be so removed from all that you
hear on the news and internet?? How could any woman be so naive as to invite a strange
man into her home on a first meet??? You'd have to live under a rock to not know the
possibilities.....
And since she supposedly found him on the internet, (doesn't matter which site) that means
she has access to what's going on in the big, bad real world.... so really, there are no excuses
for her actions......
Nor for his... the fookin' animal. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:22:30 AM | You read these posts and it happens all the time. Look at so many that even sleep with the guy the first time they meet and they are so amazed after these guys turn out to be married, criminals, and God knows what else.
We live in a very promiscous society and the internet is partially to blame. We think we know someone after a couple of chats having this, "great connection" when in reality you have it with most people online because you dont know them and they show their best.
Women especially are so street dumb that its scary. Guys can be dogs. Look at facebook and other sites that people put photos, their true date of birth, phone numbers, work numbers, address, etc... They can make a state drivers license or a credit card from that in 2 minutes. Hackers are now targeting social sites.
I crack up at the under 30 crowd who are "open books". How dumb can that be. Opening up to perfect strangers. I know the internet has created people that love attention but come on. The world isn't crimson and clover. There are a lot of self absorbed people out there along with the bad ones. Dont check your brain at the computer desk. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:43:28 AM | Rape or date-rape can happend to you, regardless if you invite somebody the first, second or 20th time. RAPIST is not written on anybodys face and most of the time it is proven to be done by people the vicim knows well. Is a no-win-situation and not acceptable under any circumstances!
Also just because somebody looks 'respectable', does not mean he is.
There are plenty 'sleazeballs' running around with ties, looking respectable...
I ones read an article about an 'respectable looking guy' raping and killing 26 women! Makes you think... | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:46:31 AM | Aye, I don't think anyone is saying that she deserved it or that the guy shouldn't be strung up by his balls right now. That's not the point. The point is that she could have done something to protect herself and prevent it from happening, but instead let a completely unknown man into her house. It was a very stupid thing to do.
There's a huge difference between inviting someone over when you have protection at home (parents or roommates) and when you don't. I picked a girl up from her parents house once for a first date (met her here), but would be dissapointed in her decision making process if she had lived alone and had me come to her house on a first date. Even as it was, I was a little nervous about picking her up from her house... who knows who will actually be there.
These days I clearly write that I will only meet somewhere public and I hope that women who read my profile will take it to heart and never meet a man in private for a first meeting. I encourage every other decent man to do the same thing. Hopefully all women will get the message and we can make this a safer community together... there's nothing like rape stories to scare people off this site fast. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:00:29 PM |
Even as it was, I was a little nervous about picking her up from her house... who knows who will actually be there.
Inviting someone to your house for the first date and accepting the invitation to go to someone's house for the first date is equally stupid. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:09:32 PM | ******PLEASE UNDERSTAND EVERYBODY
date rapes on most occasions don't happen the first time.
they happen after a few dates.
usually by that point a woman feels comfortable to invite a man in for coffee.
Nobody ever really knows anybody~because nobody is inside anybody else's head.
the only thing that a woman can to to assist with safety if a child cam in the house for emrergncy taping of potential problems and background check~which costs money!every man that shes chooses to date. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:10:50 PM | Yes she was naive to have invited him to her home. It was NOT an invitation in any way to be raped. A "MAN" like that might have just as easily followed her home. There is not one iota of blame that is to be placed on her for this event...she has suffered the worst dedregation a woman can suffer and to even suggest in any way that she is to blame is lusicrious. SHE made an error in judgement and trust. HE was a scumbag who not only violated her body and mind but the sensibilities of all good society.
She invited him to her home for coffee. We dont know if they had been dating for any amount of time. She may have thought she was in a postion of trusting him............
To blame her is like asking.What was she wearing? or How was she behaving? if he asked for sex and she said no then he should have been on his merry way and gone home and mastrubated his horny self. And anyone who has some sense of self should see this as an assault to all good people.
There is date rape.......aquaintence rape....spousal rape...........stranger rape..friendship rape.........and never ever ever should the woman be blamed!!!!! | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:24:31 PM | | I don't think it's safe to invite people to your home that you don't know, but by using the title "WTF was she thinking" you aren't showing any compassion for the woman. She's been raped. She doesn't need to be publicly ridiculed and verbally torn apart too now. Yes, the forums are public. And you know she used the site, so I am only guessing that you want her to see this thread. I find it disturbing that you would want to hurt her like that. Let's face it, the rapist man is a very very bad person, and there are bad people out there, and if they want to hurt someone they will. A man who is capable of rape is just as capable of going on a few dates with a woman, pretending they are a nice guy, and then raping her viciously at some other opportunity, so I don't really think you need to blame the victim here. That man would have found a way to hurt her no matter how careful she was. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:01:41 AM | After a long , boring and unsuccessful google search for anything on this topic, i have to ask where the OP heard/read about this “story”.
Urban Legends are always entertaining.
Threads involving the word "rape" are not. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/15/2008 4:56:09 AM | Well I did just one google and YES.......There is an article in The Buffalo News..........
So sorry esad.......not a myth but the truth.. Sunday June 15th Edition.......
Have faith my friend.....not everyone makes up stories for attention.................
googled....Buffalo woman raped.......how easy is that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:29:49 AM | following stats available on the RAINN site...use em wisely...i don't want to meet you in my office...on either end of the deal!
Almost 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim.
73% of sexual assaults were perpetrated by a non-stranger.
38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.
28% are an intimate.
7% are a relative.
More than 50% of all rape/sexual assault incidents were reported by victims to have occured within 1 mile of their home or at their home.
4 in 10 take place at the victim's home.
2 in 10 take place at the home of a friend, neighbor, or relative.
1 in 12 take place in a parking garage.
43% of rapes occur between 6:00pm and midnight.
24% occur between midnight and 6:00am.
The other 33% take place between 6:00am and 6:00pm.
****there were 272,350 sexual assaults in 2006 ...that's about once EVERY 2 minutes in the U.S. for ages 12 and older
soooo who's bashing folks for running names thru the nsopr dot gov website before we have a date? | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:50:23 AM | | The Buffalo News story still doesn't say anything about whether the incident involved a woman inviting a stranger to her house for a "first meeting." There are no details beyond what was in the OP of this thread. It could be that scenario, or it it could be two people who had already dated in public. It could be a real rape by a criminal, or it might end up being a she said/he said thing. It's way too early and sketchy to reach any logical conclusions about that particular case. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:39:40 PM | | Hey, I met a woman once online on ICQ (yeah, I'm dating myself here). She invited me over and then got a little intimate but I got scared because I just met her and bailed. If I was some awful person she could have been in a horrible predicament. Luckily, I'm a sweetheart. :) | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/15/2008 1:36:00 PM | And this is why keeping things in PUBLIC PLACES for the first few meetings is a good idea. I've made a few dumb moves (like getting into a car with the guy I just met and going to his house when he invited me...) and I don't think I'll be doing that again. Nothing bad happened but just the realization that it could scares me. All I can say is that I'm lucky...
As per what she was thinking...? Well, we can safely say not rationally... | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:54:01 PM | 4 out of 5 women I've met for coffee invited me to their place before it got cold. They didn't know me at all! Maybe I come across as an OK guy, but don't most freaks when you first meet them? I could have been one! It freaks me right out.
Maybe I'm naive to think everyone is sensible. At least;
1. Get a dating cell phone, and don't give out your last name.
2. Don't give out your home number. It's soooooo easy to get your address.
3. Don't tell them where you work.
And if you're going to call him from home, for christ sakes, block your number.
We don't need to know this stuff, and it will come out in due course if it progresses.
The minute you discover they have info you didn't explicitly give them, view it as a giant red danger flag and dump them on the spot.
If you just want to get laid, ignore what I just said. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:26:25 PM | Wow, now this is a lesson she will not forget and probably be saying to herself for a long time "this will NEVER happen again".
While I agree that she was not thinking about her protection, she may not have been dating very long. (I'll give her the benefit of doubt). There have been many articles out on Internet Dating for both men and women and she hopefully has friends that will assist in this area. I was fortunate to have my bosses that were Ex-FBI agents that treated me like a little sister after my long term relationship ended (11 years) so I was pretty new to dating. I am thankful for them and for their guidance espeically at a time that I was discovering who I was and what I wanted in my life.
Sometimes people can be too trusting and will buy a sob story to quickly and can't recognize a predator. Take a look at some of the most dangerous serial killers, they are "drop dead gorgeous" the only way they could attract someone. My advice to all who Internet Date, Take it slowly, get to know the person, email them a couple of times before you chat with them on the phone, then ALWAYS meet them in a Public Place where there are plenty of people around. I prefer a coffee shop, not the mall (too many people) Get to know the person, that also means DO NOT GET INTO THEIR CAR, just meet them. And always tell your friend(s) about who you are meeting, where and when. Have fun but be safe. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:23:02 PM |
After a long , boring and unsuccessful google search for anything on this topic, i have to ask where the OP heard/read about this “story”.
Urban Legends are always entertaining.
Threads involving the word "rape" are not.
It is amazing how after reading an article in my local paper then finding it online and posting it in the hopes that it might help just one person realize that you need to be careful just how awful a person I am! Now I am making up stories, another questioned whether I had had an "indescretion" another said I was incompassionate for saying "WTF" as I assumed it was a first meeting. I haven't used the forums all that much and now remember why. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/17/2008 4:46:11 PM | Sometimes I think that SOME women aren't just naive, but desperate and vengeful. Is it at all possible that she had built up their online communications to a point of believing that they were in a real and exclusive relationship that was going to end in marriage?
Gasp!!
I've seen plenty of posts where a woman is woefully angry that they fell for words on a screen, the man met her, had sex with her, and then POOFED all communication. And if the woman is angry enough she goes online to those message boards and talks about how men are dogs and they weren't honest... blah, blah, blah.
I'm not saying the woman wasn't raped, I don't know the details. I'm not saying she was raped, again, I don't know the details. What I'm saying is that it isn't beyond the realm of possibility that she consented to sex and then when he wasn't interested in a real relationship she felt used and wanted to get even.
I just don't get when people won't take ownership of their own choices in the events that happen in their life. She could've easily avoided this situation if she'd just taken some common sense precautions. However, it's over and done, can't go back and change the past... let's hope she learns for the future. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/17/2008 5:44:29 PM | | That was NOT even funny...THINK before you write thoughts like that on here,that op might have read that poor thing..she has a long recovery ahead of her..a long road | |
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| Guessing you're addressing my post...
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:06:28 PM | Since I'm not sure if you're responding to my post or someone else's post I'll make it clear that I still stand by my words. I don't see an option for making the forum threaded versus linear.
I will apologize if the message didn't come across as empathic as the rest of them, however, if you read my words I'm saying that I do not know the details and can't make any assumptions on what really happened only that my statement is a possibility.
People assume no woman would ever cry rape unless it really happened, but there are plenty of news stories out there where women have made up ridiculous stories to cover up a foolish decision they made.
No gender has a lock on honesty and rape is a very real thing and never something someone asks to have happen to them, but that is why I made the comment because we do not know any of the actual details of what happened and especially since we do not have the man's side of the story.
To easily conclude that HE MUST HAVE raped her or that SHE DIDN'T KNOW she was making a foolish choice doesn't mean that my horrible possibility is completely impossible. | |
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| WTF was she thinking?
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:35:05 PM |
she has a long recovery ahead of her..a long road
Yes she does and speaking as a former rape/crisis counselor - she's beating herself up just fine on her own, and feeling ashamed all on her own. I assure you her friends and family are doing their share of adding to it and should it go to trial, not only will she relive that experience again (and many times before that in preparation for trial), she'll been torn to shreds emotionally over that one choice by the defense in an attempt to discredit her testimony. That is, IF she can muster the courage to testify regardless of what anyone thinks about the circumstances precipitating the rape. That is only a glimpse of what this woman has ahead of her and that isn't even addressing healing from the trauma aspect.
However...
...this is one of those situations where it behooves those who choose a first meeting in their home to rethink those decisions and it doesn't matter than nothing happened in the past. It's not a question of "if", only a matter of "when". No matter how long one chats in IM or emails back and forth, one still doesn't know that person enough to invite him (or her) to their home. All one knows is what that person chooses to tell them. It only takes one incident of rape to wound a woman for many years to come.
At the end of the day, NO means NO - regardless of the setting and that is the bottom line. Even within the confines of a marriage, NO means NO, as my sister knows from her personal experience when her husband was hauled out of their home in handcuffs for raping her. She divorced him and he did serve jail time for raping her.
Due diligence and uncommon sense. We lock our cars when we park them, lock our homes at night...all things yet "we" tend to these things more than "we" do "our" own personal security.
We shouldn't judge the victim of this rape incident. She didn't ask to be raped. Her choice if anything made it easier for the perp - maybe. For the sake of conversation - what if they had met in a public place and he followed her home without her knowledge, broke into her home and raped her? Not outside the realm of possibility, yet not meant to instill paranoia either, rather to make the point that it might have happened anyway.
Learn from her experience instead. | |
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