| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:07:41 PM | One of the reasons I asked this is because growing up, I never saw my parents argue or fight. In many ways that was great but I was pretty devestated the first time my ex and I fought. He and I came from very different backgrounds so we found we quickly had to establish rules in order to save our sanity. A big one that he would do in the beginning is threaten divorce. We quickly set that down as something never to say unless we were ready to walk. I'm a fairly nonemotional person so it was never the insult type of fight but I had to learn not to drag up ancient history during a fight. For me history was demonstrating a pattern of behavior but he didn't see it that way so it was a useless thing to do as nothing gets resolved like that.
Anyway, recently I've been around friends who are having rocky relationships and some of the insults they hurl at each other leave me shaking my head. It seems like sex is the one they use to hurt each other the most. I suppose that's because sex is such a primal thing. Interesting though to hear what everyone has to say. | |
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| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:10:22 PM | Yes, yes and yes
If I am really really mad I like to just get quiet so I can cool down and think about it otherwise I just act stupid for about 5 mins then feel stupid for about 5 years after. I find it better to know why I'm so mad than to just spew, but I have my moments. | |
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| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:41:12 PM | 1. Do you know how to effectivly argue?
If they are willing to discuss things calmly I can also. If not then I will leave the situation until things calm down.
2. Do you have "rules" for arguing in your relationship (ie no name calling, no insults, ect..)
No interrupting when someone else is talking and let the person finish their thoughts before starting to talk. Also if you could have one of the kids act as a moderator you will find yourself acting more mature.
3. Do you talk about these things in a relationship before it gets crazy?
Yes, they are usually already sticking points and then become issues creating the argument. Of course it's far better to never let it get to that stage. | |
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| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:07:19 PM | The word "argument" by definition does not imply emotional tirades, hissy fits, or power/control plays. It's not the word so much in it's pure form/definition it's more the connotation.
Imagine this greeting "Hey honey, what say we stay in tonight and argue. We'll have a lovely dinner first."
There is a time and place for everything, life is what it is and there are decisions to be made, business to take care of. There are feelings, self esteem and emotions for both genders to factor in and realize it's just a part of being human.
I know my own "arguing" style, if there is one, and if I were interested or to the point of being involved with someone (quite a stretch but it's happened) then yes, I'd gladly talk about it, preferably beforehand and would like to know how what he'd have to say about it.
Thing is, that is hugely hypothetical...have talked about it, but when it happens, it rarely happens that way. Discuss, talk...fine with that. Raise voice tone...I can talk about something that I have feelings and emotions about, and if I'm made aware that my pitch to my voice is getting higher, louder...I can tone it down (thank my kids for that...GOD I love them...Mom...you're getting LOUD).
If it's just a totally emotional reaction, then I'm aware of that and will say it and we'll talk about it...later. I don't take well to being pushed or forced...emotions are what they are and they do need to be vented in ways that don't cause harm or regrets. It's totally possible and wise and I'm attuned to myself enough to know when to call it. Not always, actually just had the convo with my daughter today. My kids are such a blessing, our family is open and honest, and we do say things, and wish we hadn't but it's great that we still love each other anyway.  My kids have done a pretty damn good job of raising me and I thank them for that often. | |
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| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:27:02 PM | I have no problem with participating in a discussion re differences of opinion. One can learn a great deal by simply letting the other person expound on the reasons for their opinion, especially if they return the favor.
When the discussion turns into a one-sided, loud and obnoxious rant about "You don't know what you're talking about," or some similar derogatory (sp) comment, that is the moment that I walk away. Walking away is not meant to give the other party the upper hand, but rather to let them know that the conversation is over as far as I am concerned. I learned that the hard way, in a former abusive relationship. It was healthier, and safer, for me to simply walk away than it was to bring myself down to his level by joining in the fray. | |
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| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:17:26 AM | Yeah, I would say I do know how to argue... Following the golden rule, I would treat them as I would want to be treated. As in listen to me, I will listen to you, at least try to understand what I am saying, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I didn't think me going out with my ex would really bother you and yes you can go out with your ex at any time as long as I know beforehand, etc...
1. Do you know how to effectively argue?
I would say yes, it's the others that have the problem...
2. Do you have "rules" for arguing in your relationship (ie no name calling, no insults, ect..)
No hard set rules, but no name calling, insults, or derogatory comments (I see why you never shut up, you get it from your mother...). How could you say you honestly care about someone and spew evil words...? But making-up is so much fun...
3. Do you talk about these things in a relationship before it gets crazy?
These should be established early in the relationship but normally don't come about until the 1st blowout. "If you ever talk to me like that again, heads will roll"...yeah, something like that.
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| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:34:21 AM | Good post, OP. I'm still just learning the fine art of "expressing my displeasure" at people whom push my buttons because I have such a short, nasty temper but it hasn't gotten me anything but high-blood pressure in the past. I work for a gentleman that has taught me (and is still teaching me) how to effectively communicate with people by not resorting to hurling petty insults and name calling when the convo heats up and he's 82 years old. He can tell someone to "Go to He!!" and make it sound like a compliment.
I tend to look at past relationships now (friend or boyfriend) and try to pinpoint what or when someone tripped my trigger to anger me out of control. Was it the subject at hand being argued about? Was I not feeling well at the time or overwhelmed with certain circumstances affecting my life at the time? Were they? Regardless, we all have to take responsibility for our actions or words toward another and no matter how old I am, I'll never stop trying to learn how to improve myself in effectively communicating with other people.
I now tend to slowly stand up to my full 5' height, give them my "death glare" and simply walk away when someone wants to lower themselves to calling me names, slandering me with words or gossip, or anything else they can think of to push my buttons because they're doing just that...lowering themselves. They end up huffing and puffing and looking like the village idiot, not me. It takes a lot more strength and courage to walk away than to sit there listening to someone make false accusations about me or trying to belittle me with their words.
I haven't the time nor patience for that in my life these days, and if my potential partner has no skills in communicating with me if we disagree on something, then I have no desire to continue with the relationship anyway.
Sans | |
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| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:43:39 AM | | basically, if u tape the woman's mouth shut..you've solved the problem.They let their emotions get in the way of most arguments or heated debates..let 'em cool down...then remove the tape..you'll have a much more intelligent, rational, debate...altho..most of them will never forgive you for the handcuffs and tape..so you'll have to 'move on'..LOL.. | |
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| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:54:49 AM | I don't know if I know how to argue ... I sometimes just follow my dad's advice:
"Just agree with me and I'll shut up!"
Above neanderthal strategy has been invaluable when a said "argument" has ignited but didn't address the real underlying issues .. I prefer to re-visit those deeper problems at a later time when passions aren't flaring. and the risk of reason flying out the window, is less.
Then again it takes two to tango ... so who knows. | |
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| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:14:20 AM | | It's all in ones perspective. Arguing can be productive in most cases. At least, that's been my experience. Until I met someone who didn't have the skills to argue effectively. If people don't argue fairly about the topic at hand it can get ugly. | |
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| Do you know how to argue?
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:33:34 AM | | No, I'm pretty sure I don't know "how to argue." I haven't been in a real argument, much less a fight, since I was a kid and my sisters and I used to go at it. That was 30-40 years ago. If I ever found myself in an argument with a friend or lover I'd probably be stunned at it and do it all "wrong." | |
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