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Posted: 6/14/2008 11:47:33 AM | | I know people say that if you go through a break up you need to take time to grieve, etc., but I really don't get why that means you shouldn't look to meet someone else at the same time. The grieving happens by itself. We all need friends and new possibilities, perhaps especially those who have been hurt. I would say go with your feelings not rules about how long it should take to get over someone. You sound like the kind of person who's self-aware enough not to use someone on the rebound. Good luck. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 11:48:17 AM | so one wants to rebound date. and not get to close. then we have to deal with what the body screams for... and if we ignore it... then our parts start to "expect not to get it" which in a relationship makes performance take time to get back to where I was before.. be that a week a month or a week end to train the subconscious mind to react the right way because infact it will get what its asking for.
So if he is not going to get back into another relationship quickly(which I have seen work)
then should he rebound, or break out the 300-800 for a proper well rounded and safe GFE.
Or should he suffer in mental zen, affecting his work, personal wellbeing, patience with all that surounds him, even if its just him being silent and keeping his heart ache to himself. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 11:54:00 AM | | Thanks, I like your reply the best, I totally agree, sometimes it is just hard to see that way of thinking. lol | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 12:01:10 PM | | Sorry for all your heartaches but there comes a time when you have to search within yourself and ask why you pick women that are losers? Men and women are so quick to blame the other person for them treating them badly...I would say if it's consistent,it's time to look within yourself and see why you pick the wrong people. You're the only person that has the power to change yourself and when you do,your choices will be the better for it:) | |
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| Answer to: onmyown4
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:17:17 PM | ^^^^ Just send me a note ... then I can contact you. You don't need to change a thing
Thank you so much .... | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 12:19:53 PM | | OP You need answers. This woman can't just break it off without giving you a legitimate reason. Do you think that there is another man? It is harder to move on if you don't know WHY! | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 12:23:02 PM | chellaruse...that was so beautiful and I agree wholeheartedly.
tha1uwant4life....
I am so sorry she left things without an explanation but if this is the way she deals with her thoughts and feelings (I love you/goodbye) it was bound to happen even after marriage. In marriage both have to have the openness and desire to love each other contently. That means communication, respect and understanding.
I don't get that she left you hanging. Even if the explanation was hurtful.....you would know what you were dealing with....valid or not!
Best wishes to you.
It will get better.....it just doesn't feel like it now.
I firmly believe that the right one for you could not come into your life with the wrong one in the way.
Be patient and open for her!
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Posted: 6/14/2008 12:29:08 PM | I was in a situation like that once. Big love, big relationship, all mushy. And here is one of the first things I did to really get over it;
Play supreme court, and you are the judge. Lay all your evidence out on the table. Look long, hard and realistic at it. Then ask yourself, would I really want to go back with that person? Was she who I thought she was?
If I were the judge in your case sir. I would look at what little evidence I have and rule against your ex. Why?
You were engaged, she said everyday how much she loved you, you lived together, said just the nite before that she was never happier. Then, out of the blue, calls you the next day and wants you out - No real explanation, no real reason.
VERDICT: The said women looks to be either very unstable, unpredictable - Possible liar and perhaps even a cheat. when a woman changes colors like that over night. Many times it can mean there was someone else they were sneaking around seeing. And in the end, they chose the other guy.
ADVICE: It hurts I know, but would you want to even really go back - Be with someone that unpredictable and maybe have it happen all over again? Probably not.. I would yell at God, punch a heavy bag, cry it out.. whatever I had to do to release the pain. But release I would and then move on. You can find better, much better. Trust me on that one. BEST OF LUCK BROTHER. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 12:54:07 PM | I have never been married, I am glad my engagement ended, though it hurts, because I do not want to go through a divorce. When I get married I want it to last...............Don't let the fact that I am open about my pain make you think I am weak, needy or ignorant of the workings of relationships..........
well. I know this won't lessen your pain and hurt right now, but it's better to know now then twenty years from now and then to have her tell you she is leaving. You deserve better.
For the record, I do not by any means think you are weak or needy. I know it hurts but what you are feeling is a very healthy sign of healing.
The problem in this society is and I can tell you from being a former counselor is that men are not allowed to cry or outwardly feel their feelings as "boys and men dont cry" and it's taken as a sign of weakness. That is such a bunch of B.S. as I have had many male (many within their 40s and 50s) patients literally sob in my office from things that took place within their pasts that impacted them at their present. Why?? Because they never dealt with those occurrences that took place years prior. Better to deal with it now, than 10 years from now, because I can assure you if you don't deal with it, it is much much worse. Grief is one of those things where it is a " pay me now or pay me later" type of thing.
As a fellow counselor told me at the time: Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. And that crying is a cleansing of the soul.
I am in a place where I still want to meet people, everyone needs friends.......
That's the ticket! Again, what you are doing is healthy. You are not sitting in your house by yourself wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself. Hopefully, you can move on, and surround yourself with people in your life who will support you and care for you just as you are. I sincerely think you will be okay once you get back on your feet.
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Posted: 6/14/2008 1:20:01 PM | Wow, Chelaruse very well worded!!!!!! I don't think I've seen it put so well.
OP, I have been on both sides. Had it done to me - I hurt bad for along time as I had nothing from him saying why, just up and disappeared one day. In retrospect found that I was not the innocent victim I thought myself to be. The selfexamination did wonders for my personal growth and I am glad I went through that ordeal as it allowed me to see things I needed to work on before I could be in a healthy relationship. Today I know I can learn through everything good and bad IF I choose too. That's what I love about these forums (as someone posted earlier) this is a safe platform to vent and get input.
I also have been on the otherside. Maybe not quite to "out of the blue" as you state she did to you (however I wonder if - as in my case - you just didn't listen to her signs). Although I too said I loved him right up to the day I left - I meant it but it just wasn't enough to overcome the problems he denied were there.
Talk about women living in fairy tales - this man was oblivious to the reality. To this day he says he doesn't understand, thinks that we had such a great relationship (based soley on the sexual side of it) and doesn't understand why I left. I did tell him the problems, he ignored and denied them, reminds me of the movie Bruce Almight where he is asking for a sign and doesn't see the neon warning signs right in front of him.
Again I applaud Chelaruse for what she said. Don't let this destroy you, use it to better yourself and be ready for when the right woman comes along. Don't become a bitter hateful person, then your sure never to find the woman who'll be worthy of your heart. Use this as a lesson to prepare you for something way better. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 6:56:27 AM | Chellaruse...your post is not helpful...just negative for poor tha1uwant4life. He wants answers, where there are none. People...especially women...often just change their minds. It is the way of things. Statistically proven to be the case more often with women than men.
Women remember everything? I do not think so. From my experiences, half the time, they do not remember yesterday...much less what was said a month ago. I have a photgraphic memory, and believe me it is not so. Most women have appaling memories for details...even oft repeated items. I'll admit they often tend to cling to something said in passing, as though it was etched in stone, but that is their quirk...not their strength.
So men are perfidious and insincere...they just say things to get along...to pacify...things they do not mean. Women on the other hand...always mean what they say. How sexist is that!!! It is also extremely unrealistic.
Men are short termers...women are in it for the long haul...get real. You have absolutely no concept there. Women end things five times more often than men. It has often been said that "changing their mind is a woman's perogative". Gee it has been a cliche for decades/centuries now...I wonder why that was ever attributed to women...since they are so much more stable and forward looking than men. Again this is very sexist. The women I have known cannot see past their noses. Reality is not their forte.
Would you like to hear more about unfulfilled promises made? I suspect not. This is a very obviously sexist post, and is not close to the reality of my experiences.
"Wow, Chelaruse very well worded!!!!!! I don't think I've seen it put so well." posted by Sweetjemgirl. Her memory is so good, she cannot even manage to correctly spell the poster's name...so much better than any man's memory.
You know what is scary...these people breed. You better hope that your son never meets their daughter. This is simply arrogant misplaced sexism...very blatant...and very offensive. If you glean anything from this negative man bashing post, it is that she is extremely sexist, and not worth wasting time reading. I am bitter too...but do not sugar coat such sexism.
Of course we all know it is a given, that it is always the man's fault...ask any woman. You very likely did absolutely nothing wrong at all tha1uwant4life...it is just the way of things. There are no hard fast answers. You take your lumps and move on...to likely have it happen yet again. It simply goes with the turf. Good Luck....maybe the next time is the winner...but the odds say no. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 7:20:24 AM | I ask this prickly question only because I'm sensing some remote "thing" that might have turned her heart. you wrote
She made me feel important. She told me everyday how much she loved me and need(e)d me. I did little things for her, things to let her know how much I cared. I wanted to be her daughters father, I wanted the job.
Did you tell her the same words (that you wanted and needed her)? Or was it through the little things you did? Did you hug her Did you tell her...not just that you wanted "the job"...but that you wanted...her because she made you feel important?
It's seems like it may be water under the bridge, but those thoughts came to mind. I'll just say this...I had a guy order up a dump truck of dirt and prepare a garden--in HIS yard--he knew that was something I wanted. But he didn't TELL me that until months after, when I cried because I was "home alone." Half or more of the dinners I made went in the oven or fridge, because he was out til 10--working late and then stopping by a friend's house for a drink. (Yes, the drink was one problem, but the inability to depend on his being there was another.) I was starving for the moment that I'd be as important in his "time" ...needing one of these in return. When I told him that, that is when he said, "Well, who do you think I made that garden for, anyway?!" | |
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| Answer to: HeyYouWantMe (HYWM):
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:52:02 AM | Dear HeyYouWantMe (HYWM):
I think my post was very accurate, if you were holding the side of the coin I hold.
BS there is always answers to everything, just as there are always possibilities. To me, excuse me, and in all due respect, HYWM you sound more negative then any body else on this thread presently in discussion, and you keep coming back biting, mocking, and throwing rocks from you own pile of bitterness. You remind me of the egotistical types that love to throw stones from their glass houses, and then can’t understand why their house is broken. Please in all due respect, you don’t have to justify anything to me, but thanks anyhow, and I will take into consideration what you wrote to me.
HYWM: "People...especially women...often just change their minds. It is the way of things. Statistically proven to be the case more often with women than men."
I didn’t say anything about people changing or not changing their minds, and it doesn’t matter, if a male or female statistically changes their minds when, how, or from what country. I don’t care personally, (in Right Human Relations, I do) as long as it’s not directed at me or at my expense, heart, etc. then I deal with my own wounds and problems if they arise.
Look HYWM, I am not going to go around in circles with you. I have other things to do today; however, I must point out that your spelling is no better then others here who happen to be human, and can make typos occasionally such as, Sweetjemgirl and I too have done and do, but you my friend need to look up some of your own words, as follow:
NOTE: I did not change your spelling(see below, they are spelled as you spelled each of them), I will leave that up to you to make your own adjustments:
appaling
photgraphic
termers
perogative
So you see HYWM, your spelling needs a little work too! You also might want to consider the Law of Attraction, which will help you to understand your world verses mine.
Thanks for the letter.
Have a great day!
Chela
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Posted: 6/15/2008 9:00:04 AM | Wow, well said! And so true!  | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 11:37:11 AM | Tha1uwant4life... I can feel your sorrow from the way you've written this post and I am so sorry you've felt the knife. I wonder if, in the days to come, this lady will contact you and offer you some explanation for her sudden decision. I think by what you've said about her, she has some positive characteristics so it seems that something has triggered a rather strong decision and I wouldn't be surprised to read that she is also going through a lot of pain over having to make it. I don't know if anything she could tell you about why she felt she had to do this would ease your heartache but at least understanding what happened would help you to make sense of things.
It is also possible that when your own grief and sorrow fall to a manageable level, you will start to remember things that may have been warning signs. Our ability to reason tends to fall in direct proportion to the rise of our emotions so it may be that in a short while, you will begin to "remember" things that may have given you some indication that things were not as rosy as they seemed.
The other thing I want to propose is that you avoid the urge to measure yourself by the "outcome" of all that you hoped for. If you were still with her and things were fine, you would probably be clapping yourself on the back for making some very good decisions. Conversely, with things not working out, you may have a tendency to get down on yourself for making a poor decision to love her. This, all by itself, is what gets a whole bunch of us in trouble in our next relationships and it's why people "wall themselves off".
Not too long ago, on the heels of a breakup, I spoke with an older man whose wife of 25+ years just suddenly up and left him. He thought things were fine between them and felt very close to her. Then one day, when he came home from work and asked her how her day had been, she told him that it was good because it was her final day and that she would be leaving the next day. He spent the next few years on anti-depressants, in counselling and trying to cope with the shock. It was 7 years later that he turned to me and said, "You know what my biggest regret is?" When I said, "No, what is it?" he answered, "I regret losing those 7 years of my life over some one who didn't care any more about me than that!" He went on to encourage me to limit my time for grieving and to work hard to measure how I should go on by the quality of the journey rather than by the outcome. Looking back, I can see this was the best advice I'd ever received.
I wish you appreciation of the journey and having known her while your own journey becomes richer for the knowledge of how much it can hurt when people don't pause long enough to explain themselves and offer no options for resolution of their issues.
Good luck to you OP! | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 11:54:34 AM | Chellaruse...your post is not helpful...just negative for poor tha1uwant4life. He wants answers, where there are none. People...especially women...often just change their minds. It is the way of things. Statistically proven to be the case more often with women than men.
HeyYouWantMe... The only help YOUR post is going to provide is to let the OP know what he's going to look like if he "walls himself off and becomes distrustful of women". Do you really want to look like this on a dating site?
You know what is scary...these people breed. You better hope that your son never meets their daughter. This is simply arrogant misplaced sexism...very blatant...and very offensive. If you glean anything from this negative man bashing post, it is that she is extremely sexist, and not worth wasting time reading. I am bitter too...but do not sugar coat such sexism.
Your need to paint all women in one big wide brush is ALSO "arrogant misplaced sexism". Can you see that? And do you REALLY think it's more pallatable because you don't "sugarcoat" it?
Of course we all know it is a given, that it is always the man's fault...ask any woman. You very likely did absolutely nothing wrong at all tha1uwant4life...it is just the way of things. There are no hard fast answers. You take your lumps and move on...to likely have it happen yet again. It simply goes with the turf. Good Luck....maybe the next time is the winner...but the odds say no.
The above is, all by itself, evidence of the lack of thought you are putting into your venting and bashing of women. For you to take the OP's obvious heartache and use it to try to indoctrinate him into your "misogynist's club", is probably the purest example of your unwillingness to care about what he is actually going through. Do you GET that he actually loves that woman? Do you GET that his life was enriched by her? Do you GET that it takes courage to love anyone and that we ALL run the risk of being hurt when we let ourselves be vulnerable? Misery obviously LOVES company but I hope that when he walks away from the situation, he is proud of his ability to love AND forgive someone who, for whatever reason, just couldn't be there anymore. God help him if he walks through the rest of his life without the love he earns by loving simply because he thinks that he should be immune from pain, heartache and disappointment as you appear to be thinking.
You don't get this one to add to your misogynists club without some argument from those of us who know better!  | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 1:45:08 PM | Silken Fire...you also offer wise advice.
Some will understand that life has lessons, and that if we don't learn from them, (good and bad) we will remain "stuck" and be no good for no body especially ourselves.
Some will throw a bitter brick on their wall their whole lives to stand back and proclaim how big their wall is! (the, poor poor me).
OP....you have been given a lot of insight on these pages.....choose wisely what you take from them.
Your nature will determine the quality of people who come into your life....let this event make you a better person, not a bitter person...
HeyUWantMe...............I was surprised to read your profile. It denotes a completely different person than you portray here......odd.
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Posted: 6/15/2008 1:58:06 PM | OP, all you can do is try to keep your mind occupied, and just fight through the hurt. It's hard, but that's really all you can do.
I will say that it's highly unlikely that she just stopped loving you for no reason, and just overnight. I wouldn't be surprised if she had someone else. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 2:00:06 PM | She probably still loves you. And loves someone else as well...    | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 2:02:22 PM | It just takes time mate. You'll be fine.
Trust me.
Oh- Antacids work wonders in curing a broken heart...
That and focusing your mind on new things.
Good luck matey | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 2:04:22 PM |
So my question is this, how do you get through it? What do you do to ease the hurt? Do I wall myself off and be distrustful of women? I am not sure I can do that, it is not my nature, I try to see the good in everyone. Maybe I am just too sentimental....
~OP~ You just get through it. I'm not sure time is the key, what you do with that time might be. What do I do when these tragic things happen? Look forward, not back. I am exceptionally resilient and usually don't dwell much on the "what ifs" or "whys" because those things will make you crazy. Maybe you are so wounded because she did the leaving? It is easier to leave than to be left, in my opinion (and having been on both sides of that ordeal.) Why would you wall yourself off? No need to do that. Just take from this experience that which is needed to make a more informed choice in the future. JMO | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 7:37:34 PM | | does it get easier, Imy partner walked out on me nearly 13mths ago and I still cry, I put on a brave face in front of everyone and come home and cry my eyes out, he was my life and I dont no what to do | |
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| Answer to: HeyYouWantMe (HYWM):
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:46:30 PM | I am sick in bed...flat on my back...and can barely see the laptop screen...much less type...excuse me! It is also why I am so miserable. Yes...even doctors get sick...and this one going around, is bad news.
This is a mutual assasination society...though it is said so very nicely...you hardly feel the knife.
I am sorry...it is a very sexist post. It is also contrary to published information out there. It is supported by your own limited anecdotal experiences. That does not qualify you to write as you do...as though it were accepted fact. Saying it so sweetly and with your own cheering squad...does not make it acceptable. Your facts...are not everyone's facts. They certainly are not at all in sync, with what has been published. Might I also say, that perchance there is just a bit of bias thrown in...just a scoche...possibly?
What world do you live in, that there are always a reasons for something to happen? Every mystery in the universe then, is totally solvable. There is logic behind an earthquake killing thousand? Sometimes...there is no reason. Sometimes...things just happen.
To flog yourself over it...grasping at straws...is counter productive. Take your lumps and move on. Unfortunately though, the odds really are very good, that it will happen again in your next relationship. Chances also are very high, that you will never really understand the whys or the wherefores. The person making the decisions, very likely does not really understand them either.
That advice has to be more helpful than someone telling you that you failed, because you are a man...incapable of understanding what happened...though the swimming fish is a nice touch.
With that I am gone...again...to my fitfull sleep and very bizarre dreams. This is a strange bug! Albuterol did wonders for my breathing problems though. Good Night! | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 9:26:17 PM |
So my question is this, how do you get through it?
Zero contact and I just white-knuckle it until it's over.
I also find that I am at my most creative when I am emotionally upset, so I usually just pour it all into my music.
It is very important to make sure you get some exercise and sunshine. Take a walk for half an hour or so in the middle of the day, it makes everything better.
Don't let the blues make you neglect yourself. Dress a little nicer, groom yourself, now is the time for you to show yourself how much you love you.
Your friendship with yourself is important. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2008 10:22:36 PM | You said it in your post that you love being needed. Single women home-owners need help. You may be amazed. She'll invite you for dinner and the rest depends on you.
Brat - | |
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