| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/14/2008 2:08:19 PM | 2HEDZ, I suspect that this is a hypothetical situation but the OP didn't say that there was any ransacking and I suspect if a box of condoms was just sitting there when someone opened the drawer, the kid either wanted to be found out or was thumbing her nose at the parents anyway, i.e. I don't care if you know.
This situation is difficult for most of us to even answer because as I understand the responses, most of us have had these conversations with our kids long before they turned fifteen. My parents never went through my drawers but if they found something in one in the process of putting away laundry or whatever, that was pretty much my stupidity and as I was living in their house, didn't really have the right to biatch about it.
I don't go through my kids' drawers but if I was worried that one of them was on drugs I would probably see what there was to be found. Parents do themselves no favors by hiding their heads in the sand although I think the only time that they could or should violate childrens' privacy is if they have honest concerns and not just as a power play.
Farley, your plan is a good one but I couldn't help but notice point 5, to buy anything she would be embarassed to buy for herself. Like in other threads when people are afraid to ask someone a simple question of someone with whom they are intimate, if a boy or girl is embarassed to buy condoms or other contraceptives, they probably are totally too immature to be having sex. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/14/2008 2:16:49 PM | I don't have daughters but I do have sons.
I can't really fathom being in this situation. There is a drawer at my house that has all kinds of different condoms in it. They have been aware of this drawer for as long as we can remember. It just is.
While at this point, neither of them have utilized the drawer (because they haven't become active), they both know they can with no questions asked. I feel I've done a great job at arming them with all of the information out there, plus some (values, morals, respect) and I trust them to make some decent decisions. I know they won't alway make greats ones, because that's not human, but I also know that we have very open lines of communication and if either of them get into a situation they aren't sure how to handle.. I'll be there for them. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:08:40 PM |
Farley, your plan is a good one but I couldn't help but notice point 5, to buy anything she would be embarassed to buy for herself. Like in other threads when people are afraid to ask someone a simple question of someone with whom they are intimate, if a boy or girl is embarassed to buy condoms or other contraceptives, they probably are totally too immature to be having sex.
She might be embarrased to buy them because people are biased towards teenagers.. I remember when my friend asked me to buy her condoms.. it was because the old wench at the drug store would refuse to sell girls condoms. She was a Hag!! It was beyond pure stupidity. I went in got the brand she wanted and had no problems what so ever.
*shrug* I dunno there might be other things out there as well she might not be able to afford as I have no idea how much birth control or other forms of contraceptive cost other then rubbers. I dunno.. I mean I am not a father yet but when the time comes Ill do whatever I have to make sure my children are safe and protected and can talk to me about anything.
Same goes for the drinking/drugs thing.. I know as a kid when I was young I messed around with that kinda stuff because I was curious.. but I did it in some seriously stupid places. I would rather have my children in a safe environment where I can at least keep an eye on them if they chose to try something.. I am not saying I encourage them to go out and get drunk or high.. but id much rather have them under my roof instead of out and about in this day and age where there are all sorts of messed up people.. it was bad enough when I was a teen its even worse now. (man I sound old) | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:21:45 PM | | 15 is waaay to early to be having sex, hell majority of people my age aren't ready for it. Are you going to be able to prevent her from all sex? Doubt it, you could try being a fascist mother but in most adolescent women that just drives them to do it even more. IF i do ever have kids I think I would adopt a boy rather then chance the risk of having a girl. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:57:59 PM | At 18, my mum sifted through MY drawer and found my birth control pills. She's not the type to reason with and talk quietly about sex, having been raised by the Catholic nuns in England. Fully knowing the consequences if I opened up told her the truth that I was sexually active, I fully outright lied and said, "mum, my friend got pregnant at 16, (that part was true), and I didn't want to wind up like her, so I'm taking precautions, just in case." Whether she actually believed me or not, I'm not sure, but that was the end of that conversation...was a different story later that year when she found my toys under the bed and called them "doo-dads". Said, "next time you go away for the weekend and I clean your room, I don't want to find your doo-dads under your bed."
Lesson of the story? If you don't want to find anything weird in your kids bedroom, don't look. Hopefully you will have a good enough relationship with them that they will come to you for advice when needed. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:14:30 PM | | Interestingly enough, I was on birth control pills with my mothers blessing long before I started having sex. There were medical reasons for that one. I thank her for it to this day as my first sexual encounter was not consensual and thanks to the pills, there was less stress about the idea of a pregnancy as it was unlikely. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:30:28 PM | | Abstinence has not worked for the past couple of million years...it still does not work...nor will it work in the future. Not very many here reading these post were virgins past 20 years of age and a whole lot of us lost that before 16 years old. SEX is good...SEX is fun...Sex is why we exist and SEX drives all of our cultures on the entire planet. So it doesn't matter how we think of WHAT our children should do... it matters that we give them the information to make their own choice and protect themselves from STD's and unwanted pregnancies. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 4:16:02 PM | | I would let her know I found them, tell her if she ever ran out that I would be happy to buy them for her and also get her to the doctor to get on the pill and get tested for STD's.... | |
|
| |
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:31:34 PM | | A 15 year old isn't mature enough to deal with the emotional consequences that sex can have. I'm not saying lock her up in her room and never let her out but at least explain why she should wait until she's at least 18. She could get hurt easily by a guy just wanting to use her for sex. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:36:31 PM | I plan to do with my kids what a friend's parents did with him. When he was 14, his parents bought him a box of condoms. When they expired (or if they were used) they were replaced, no questions asked. His parents figured if he decided to have sex nothing was going to stop him, and they wanted him to know he could talk to him about it, and that they wanted him to be safe.
My friend was a very well adjusted person and he never did use those condoms in the drawer, because he decided to wait.
If I found condoms in my daughter's things (assuming I had one) after the shock, I'd sit down and chat. I'd say I was sad she felt she needed to hide something like that from me, make sure she had all her questions answered, and make a Dr. appointment for an exam and probably BC pills, too. And I'd probably lament how fast they grow up and so on, too. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:38:02 PM |
A 15 year old isn't mature enough to deal with the emotional consequences that sex can have
Hahaha...sorry not laughing at your post, just laughing that some my age and older aren't mature enough to handle the consequences....some of those 15 year olds might surprise you. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:55:06 PM | Op,
Teens develope selective amnesia and talking alone will go in one ear and out the other. Or worst, rebellion will have the opposite effect.
I have raised a child and I was stalker mom and homeschooled through high school so we skipped that stage (she never attended high school). When she turned 18 I gave her an "Anti-Grandma Kit" with condoms, gels, and a pregnancy test. I picked up the package of condoms (there were only 3) in 1 hand and the pregnancy test in the other.
I said "If you don't use one, you'll need the other".
Now, we had watched, several movies about reproduction, sex and love, and etiquette.
But it was the Seinfeild episode where Elaine had purchased female sponges and they were so expensive and hard to get, she looked at each man and asked herself if he was "Sponge Worthy". That was the best metaphore I could use.
Here's one of the episodes.
http://www.youtube.com/v/3qpSFXzlKYw&hl=en
But at 15, when the "cat is out of the bag", in addition to making sure that she knows where the free clinic is, that she has the condoms, the pregnancy test kit, and is not afraid to be honest with you. She'll need guidance. She'll need your support. And she'll need your ear.
It won't be what you tell her, cause she'll fight or fly.
It will be what you show her.
(Don't point at teen moms though, she might think they are cool).
Good Luck!
P.S. I've made an official request from mine, "Gimme 5 years minimum before you turn me into a grandma! I need a vacation!"
 | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:00:13 PM |
Anyone notice that it tends to be the men that are joking about shotguns and reacting badly? I'm kind of laughing at that because some of these same guys were probably having sex at 15 with their classmates who were somebody elses daughter. I find that when it comes to sex and daughters, guys tend to be a bit niave.
LOL... yes... Guys can theorize and and say I would or wouldn't do this or that or think "I'm a modern, progressive fellow and know I need to respect my childs privacy and right to make their own decisions...." or "It's a natural process and all we can do is educate then and give them the proper tools to be safe..." And I suspect that might even work with boys...
But when a man has to come face to face with the reality that his precious, wonderful little girl... is letting some snot nosed, slimey little punk with "p*ssy on the brain" touch her... And you KNOW he's ate up with "p*ssy on the brain" because YOU were exactly the same at his age! You know he hasn't got a clue about love or life or the consequences of his actions... ALL he can think about is wetting his wick with YOUR little girl.... all the logic gets buried and all he... or me anyway... can think about is wanting to feel the little b*stards bones break under your fists and wrap your hands around his scrawny neck and SQUEEZE until his head snaps off...
whew.... that was years ago and it still makes my blood pressure go up...
People without kids don't know this feeling. People with just sons don't know it either. Hell, I don't think women with daughters truly understand how the girl's Daddy feels either. To them it's just a guy being stupid and macho...
Daddy's little girl is growing up and.... you're loosing her. Some other Ahole is going to take your place as her protector....
Anyway... at the time I found myself saying the usual over protective father BS... that she's too young and it must stop... (LOL, mine was 17 at the time) That birth control was a license to fcuk...
Luckily the woman I was living with then smacked it into my head that, NO, it's not going to just STOP.... so it's better that she's protected...
After that I just buried my head in the sand and waited for her to let me know which ones I needed to run off for her... | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:00:39 PM | | I found out my 14 yr old nephew was sexually active. I sat him down and told him I wasn't happy he was so young then I proceeded to give him some of my condoms. I figure the cats out of the bag so he mine as well play it safe now. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:06:00 PM | She's trying to avoid getting pregnant, or an STD... Buy her some books on the subject.
I can't believe how many people forget what it's like being a teen, talking to her is about as useful as smacking her in the face and saying NO... Teens want to be independent, let them, but give them resources to help themselves, guide themselves in the right direction. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:12:45 PM | This is a great thread.
Sometimes my sons forget to empty their pockets of their rubbers and I've pulled quite a few of them out of the dryer over the years, along with the change and the paper money. My only hard rule was, "Thou shalt not nookify in Dad's house."
I don't know that I would treat my daughter any different when the time comes. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:22:36 PM |
I don't know that I would treat my daughter any different when the time comes.
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
well.... lemme know how that turns out.... Somehow I doubt nookify will be in your vocabulary then. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:05:13 PM | i fost/adopted my kids at ages 10 1/2, 12 and 13 (siblings). we had a lot to talk about and to "reframe". i also signed off on sex education classes at school. my kid brought her first box of "free" condoms home from her freshman high school class and i showed her how to make a water balloon. you may have heard this story on another thread. after we had a good time giggling and going boing (after all, that is what i did with them in college on our first vacation away from parents!), i sat down and explained what the condom did and did not do. i also talked about the various kinds and how to deal with one's sexuality and picking the right person and when. i asked her if she wanted to carry the condoms around with her and "show off" or did she need them or perhaps want to put them away for when needed. at that time she opted for the last choice. i told her when she was ready we would go see the gyn and start making choices.
with my other kid, she got to hear my neigbhor ,who was a big marketing exec for a condom company, talk about the quality of various brands. i thought she was going to die laughing as my neigbhor is in her 50's and appears to be very straight. knowing she had a first boyfriend, i suggested she begin to consider "stocking up". we went to costco a few weeks later and she brought me a hug box full! then, i died laughing. the box is still pretty full.
i had talked in depth to a therapist about all this before it happened. it was her opinion that a teenage girl was better off with one good boyfriend in the latter teen years, reliable and respectful sex with this one person--than going around to parties with drugs and liquor, getting drunk, possibly date raped or looking from one guy to the other and getting into way more trouble, not to mention getting caught in the web of disease that is spreading rapidly.
this world today is very shocking. way too much mtv and if not at your house, a friend's house. i believe you need to keep up with this topic and keep it open and challenging at all times. we even had a discussion about the papillo virus injection and the lack of long term data, but the efficicacy of using it, "if" screwing around. mine decided, since she has only one boyfriend, to wait and continue to read the press on it.
kids are having oral sex in middle school play yards, passing around porn videos , etc. etc. many from supposedly "good" families. nowadays you have to be open and "honest' AND as a single, be sure to walk your own talk-- because their eyes are watching you closely.
when i had no kids, i got mad at my friend for snooping on her daughter. nowadays, all good parents should snoop, keep their mouths shut and learn what their kids need to know! then teach it. i also find that my kids leave stuff like this around, so i will catch it. it's almost a cry for help.
ps i am still working on adopting the brother, who is continually in and out of jail and now finally accepted into dual dx program. however, he got the same da-mn lecture from me, but a little more pointed as he often does not "get" what is not immediately gratifying. now that he's over 18, i can be even "courser" in my approach. he also knows he can ask me blunt questions about any or all of this. despite his gang banger looks and all the girls after him, he's more of a child than my girls! also, the perfect target for getting blamed, even with a willing female partner. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:47:11 PM | i have a 12 year old daughter. sorry, any boy who gives her a second look is going to have to be killed (humanely of course) and then ground into cat food. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:51:38 PM | | What right minded responsible parent would be HAPPY or OK with their 15 yr old child having sex?!! Please, this is what we have come to in this society? That a child of 15 is considered "ready to have sex,"this is applauded all because she is using a condom??? How about stepping up your role as a parent and ensuring she is not given the opportunity or time to have sex at 15? How about educating her and encouraging other activities to increase her self-esteem so that she has a good foundation to say f off to the first little snot nosed punk who tries to get in her pants?? Where have the mothers gone who are to be there to protect their children and instill a sound moral base???? This thread is ridiculous and you should all be ashamed of yourselves for such low base thinking. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/17/2008 11:00:26 PM | First, try to get her on birth control. Something that doesn't affect her negatively.
Second, get more variety of condoms. I have some good one's to recommend. Offer to buy them for her for as long as she needs them.
Third, get her some good educational books about sex and sexuality that could help educate her.
Forth, let her know she always has someone to talk to and ask questions who won't be angry with her. Sex is something we all do (hopefully) and the more she knows, the better.
Fifth, take the guy aside and let him know if he ever does anything to hurt her or gets her pregnant, I will cut his genitals off and force feed them to him. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:21:42 AM | Age of consent in Canada had been moved down to 14 years of age in recent years.
Yes, this is what our society has become. Teenage sex and pregnancy is cool, at least according to media....
I remember another time when I was 19 and still living at home. My parents had gone out of town for the weekend, so I "entertained" and had my guy friend over. We had sex, and he neglected to tell me that he stuffed the condom in the upstairs bathroom garbage. My mum came home and went to clean the bathrooms and emptied the garbage, and I heard this loud SHRIEK. She put her hand in the garbage and touched the used condomd. Can't blame her for being grossed out. That one was a little harder to cover up. Um hey mum, my friends and I were practicing putting condoms on a banana? Or we were making balloon animals out of condoms? Not likely....she never questioned me about sex after that incident....I think she's learned to block that incident out.  | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:55:56 AM | I was sexually active at 14. I was kinda forced into it but i was a willing party. my mom found out and sat down and had a talk with me, she didnt go all crazy on me or anything like that. she said she wished that i would have waited but i had to make my own decisions in life and if this was one i wanted that it was my choice cause it is my life. With her being so supportive of my actions i wasnt afraid to talk to her about anything. now that i am 21 yrs old me and my bf go out with my parents to adult stores and stuff and we joke about stuff like that all the time. Be supportive it really does help. | |
|
| 15 year old daughter and condoms.
Posted: 6/18/2008 1:03:35 AM | my general observation is that most of the wildest kids come from the righteous families in denial. they have no one to talk to openly and honestly, so they go out and party. many go to "religious" schools. i had considered one, until my child went out to lunch with a bunch of the kids who attended. she came back "mortified". she was also educated enough to know what they were talking about and that she did not wish to comply.
i do agree that getting a kid into sports and group activities keeps them busy and their hormones in check. but the fact is that as they start getting into mid to late teens, you may lead them to the water, but you cannot make them drink. you cannot throw them out and you cannot beat it into them. you can do your best to set an example, but if you don't keep the lines of communication open, you then have "no clue" what is really happening with your kid.
mine is an unusual situtation having adopted mine at a later age. but one thing i did do right, was continue to talk to them about "the world" and also to let their friends hang out here. i also observed that many of the poor kids shared the problems of the richer kids. their parents were too busy to talk to them and invest in activities to keep them busy.
all that being said, kids are being sexual way earlier than my generation. female children are also menstruating now at unbelievably earlier ages and it is predicted they will likewise menapause at earlier ages. so this also contributes to the overall societal problems and good old mtv. i knew my kids would watch it when i was not around, so instead i sat and watched it with them. nothing got spoken about , w/o my intervention. no reality on that station and yet kids really believe it is all going on! so, instead of denial, i say get involved and make your points known. do not "assume" that your kid is the sweet innocent one and everyone else's kid is the problem.
ps to the previous poster, any child forced into sex is a victim. a child doesn't sort of want it. of course a child has sexual responses, but it is the adult who is to not take advantage of that child. i personally don't like a parent taking a child to adult shops. if the child comes home with porn, it gets discussed pronto and they realize these "actors" are human beings, probably once molested also at an early age. all i can say is, do you want that baby you are helping to raise to have sex at 14 ? forced into it? even though she may "want" it? what is want? children who are molested, will sexualize way early. it is the parents responsibility to not let this happen. this is very different than a teen who learns about choices and maybe has a boyfriend as senior in hs or nearing 18. so, i think that you were not protected sufficiently. that is what i think, although i am sure you may disagree. except maybe not, if you put the baby in your shoes and rethink what you are saying. | |
|
Home
login 
