| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:27:58 PM | I appreciate all the feedback. I know my action is not really justified. javascript:smilie(' ') I told him immediately after that --like some of you said--more than anything that I read, the simple fact that I was tempted enough to read it tells me this arrangement is not working. I would probably be as judgmental and unsympathetic as many of you if I read this prior to having had the experiences I had. I began talk therapy after this happened, and I plan to continue. And I have read some good self-help books as some of you suggested.
It is scary to me that I descended to this level. I was not listening to my inner voice, which would have told me to leave the 'relationship' long before this happened. One of the things I learned is that I am not cut out for a casual 'relationship.' I have issues I need to work through, and so, in my opinion, does the person with whom I was involved. He can't respect anyone who is involved with him because he thinks he's not successful enough to attract a quality person. I sensed this but I guess I denied it until I saw it in black-and-white.
There are some complicating factors here--none of which JUSTIFY the action. But nonetheless I would like to figure out which one(s) most contributed to my doing something I didn't expect of myself. For one, he had a habit of videotaping or taking photos during sex, which I didn't appreciate but allowed. I rationalized that it was harmless if he just wanted to view them himself when I wasn't around. But I felt violated--perhaps more than I consciously allowed myself to acknowledge. So I think that contributed to my willingness to violate his privacy. Well there is more but I think I've shared enough for one post.
Thanks again for all your advice and wisdom... | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:03:48 AM | A diary is probably the most personal thing a person can have. Sometimes thoughts and feelings cannot be spoken to a person, however can be written with words.
What if you read your partner's diary and found out things that caused you to end the relationship? .....If my partner read my diary without my consent I would kick them to the curb. How dare they snoop into the most personal thing I have.
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:08:43 AM | NO NO NO NO !!! It's Never ok to read another persons diary if they have not given you permission !!!!! Friend, relative, spouse, lover, anyone !!
Hey, we all have been tempted, some of us more than others.
Yes, please take better care when choosing a partner in the future. Communication and Respect are the key words here. The first is given freely most of the time. The second one is given to us when we show the same to others. We all learn by experience....
Learn by this experience and move forward with your life.
Blonde  | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:09:01 AM | Well shame on you. If you had such a lack of trust that you couldnt sit down and resolve issues by talking then leave. Once there is no trust in your heart you dont have to go looking for evidence.... thats immature. You might as well break into your mothers vault and check her will, you may find out that she left the little sister more than she left you and then you can pout and put her out of your life for the next 20 years and deprive yourself of her comfort and understanding when you need it'
People jounal all sorts of thing....and not always truths....but desires and dreams and what ifs...........they release their anger and pain in a journal and you have invaded a corner of that person that was private.
Unless someone has died in a suspicious manner......is missing......or acting so irrational as to give cause for alarm then this to me is like opening someones mail. Which by the way is a criminal offense.
As for forgiving yourself.........you have admitted you are wrong.....taking responsibilty for your actions is a start.....and even though you are not together apologizing for invading ones privacy is a start.No matter what was in that journal he deserves an apology for YOUR actions. Hold yourself accountable..........
PEACE | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:10:17 AM | It is the same thing as having explicite photos taken of yourself.....sooner or later it will bite you in the butt..same thing as diaries........IF this person has the diary available for anyone to read....they are opening up the can of worms without actually SAYING what is on their minds..exposing you to what they really think and feel..
Perhaps it saves time and effort into the break up...many people devote energy and time into their partners and they have no clue of what they really feel but continue to play the love/caring role because they just don't want to experience the hateful dramas of a break up...spare themselves of negative vibes.
IF the diary is carefully hidden and you are search through her things...you do have issues of trust and insecurities. It's the same thing as prying through their computer..looking for clues on infidelities? Looking for proof that they are going behind your back and doing unimaginable things to hurt you.
You need to take some time in yourself ....and explore yourself...your not happy with yourself. YOU keep a diary of the feelings you feel..get some hobbys..get some excerise and watch what you eat...k? good luck
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:37:11 AM | Never. Don't go through my purse, phone, or personal mail.
I would (and never have) not go through my boyfriends wallet, phone, etc
I lived with one man and when i did laundry, i wouldn't put it in his dresser-until he asked why and told me that it was ok. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:16:20 PM |
Reading their diary is justifiable if they become a missing person, yes. Otherwise no.
I like this one, and I second it. I think it says it all. All too often people think it's perfectly alright to invade another's privacy, and I don't think it's right. If they want you to read something they wrote because they are too shy to say it, that's one thing. But to go searching for someone else's inner thoughts without them knowing is a big invasion of privacy. As far as children are concerned, I know one woman who said that she gave her children diaries early in their lives with the intention of reading them so she could know everything going on in their lives, because she just knew that there were going to be things they wouldn't tell her. Supposedly to 'keep them safe' from all the bad things in life. I couldn't stay friends with someone like that. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:34:17 PM | | personally i would NEVER read ANYONES diary .......butyou did , and at that time it was the right thing to do otherwise you wouldnt have done it .....all things happen for a reason , good or bad , and even though reading his diary was wrong , u 'found ' things out that u needed to know ...hence the end of the relationship....instinct , especially a woman's is a great gift ...follow your heart ...................xxxx | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/15/2008 3:04:46 PM | I will say this. When I was a child, my mother read my diary. She had no reason to. She was just nosy and later used what I had written against me and punished me for what I wrote about. She invaded my trust. I was never able to forgive her and I have never been able to trust her again. So if you want to take that chance, be my guest.
I would never read someone diary and if someone read mine, game over.
~Carrie | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:16:21 AM | This is an issue about Respect, as much as trust.
If you respect someone, you respect their right to privacy. You respect their right to private thoughts.
When that respect is done, it's nothing to invade their privacy.
I used to get on my almost-ex's computer at work and go thru his email. not because of cheating. Because I didn't respect him at all. I did it to find what new business schemes he was dreaming up. To find out what bizarre things he was telling people. And sometimes what I found scared me a bit...and resulted in actions on my part to keep him from putting the business even more in the red. (like telling someone we'd like to hire them even though we couldn't afford another therapist).
Was it wrong? Well, probably. But this was a situation where I felt I had to. He could not be trusted to discuss all of his decisions with me because he knew I'd disapprove. And his past actions had shown he did not make good decisions.
After he cheated on me (emotional affair, did not progress to physical), I snooped big time. Now not only was the respect gone, but so was the trust. of course, this wasn't a boyfriend...it was after about 11 years of marriage. Not like I could just break up because I didn't trust him anymore. (people love to say "just break up" like it's so easy...then get down on people who divorce and didn't try to stay married, just can't win).
The thing is, I highly value privacy. With my current guy, I would never go thru his phone. I wouldn't even use it without asking first. I would never poke around in his stuff. I respect him and to me part of showing respect is to respect his privacy. And I expect the same level of respect from him. I'd be appalled if he went thru my phone. There's nothing there to see...but it's MY private phone.
As for OPie...I think when you are with someone that you do trust and respect, it will be much easier to respect their privacy.
Kaylie | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:32:24 AM | | you should never go through someones things....even if you found out what you didnt want to...there is never any justification for it even if they were in the wrong op.... | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:33:24 AM | Tho there are many valid points for both sides of the issue I wouldn't do it, nor would I check my mates emails/phone ect. If I am at the point of distrust to even consider this then there are already enough red flags to say time to leave. I wouldn't even do this to my kids unless I truly (truly meaning missing, found drugs, trouble at school - things out of the ordinary teen/child behavior) felt it necessary. It's a matter of trust. If you have no trust then you should leave.
A diary is personal, it's where a person should feel most free to express themselves w/o fear of judgement or critisism. Often I will write out problems and once their on paper I am able to see where my thinking is off, it's a tool used to take deeper looks at myself and grow from it. Unless there is a legitimate fear for the other's safety (LEGITIMATE) then I do not think that reading someone's diary/phone records ect is justified. Learning to listen to our own intiution and see red flags w/o getting crazy and behaving in such a way is important.
And op's feelings of guilt is a good reason as too why not to do this. Regardless of what you found in the diary, you knew you were crossing a boundary. Learn from it, don't do it again, next time communicate and follow your gut when red flags come up. My opinion. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:41:24 AM |
I want to learn from this experience and not get into a situation where I am tempted to do something like that again.
This all has nothing to do with the person you are with or what situation you are in. This has everything to do with your own self control. If you are with someone else, no matter WHO it is, you are going to be tempted to snoop on them because when you snooped on the last person, you found things out.
Before you know it, you will be sitting there telling yourself (with the new guy) "OK, I trust him, but I've got to snoop on him just to PROVE to myself that I can trust him." | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:59:49 AM |
Everybody keeps secrets and they have a right to those secrets.
The only time it is justified is if they are missing or deceased.
Betraying someone's privacy, whether it is your husband, lover, family member, friend, is NEVER justified. It is wrong.
How dare they snoop into the most personal thing I have.
It's Never ok to read another persons diary if they have not given you permission !!!!! Friend, relative, spouse, lover, anyone !!
People jounal all sorts of thing....and not always truths....but desires and dreams and what ifs...........they release their anger and pain in a journal and you have invaded a corner of that person that was private.
Never. Don't go through my purse, phone, or personal mail.
But to go searching for someone else's inner thoughts without them knowing is a big invasion of privacy. Supposedly to 'keep them safe' from all the bad things in life. I couldn't stay friends with someone like that.
it is never okay to invade someone elses privacy.
If you respect someone, you respect their right to privacy. You respect their right to private thoughts.
interesting yes ..justified no
there is never any justification for it even if they were in the wrong
What if they had a funny sounding name, or an accent, or went to the wrong church, or typed the wrong phrase in an email, or said something disparaging about the government on an internet forum, or donated money to the wrong charity?
Is invading someone's privacy by reading their diary justified in any of those circumstances? | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 11:55:12 AM | I don't think it's ever justified. OP - if you felt compelled to look, then the relationship was probably already over for you anyway. You suspected bad things were happening and lost your trust in your partner, so what difference whether it's confirmed or not? People have a right to their privacy in non life threatening situations, especially an equal partner. I have no idea about kids or whether I would peek in their diary, but I'd have to really think about it.
I think the same rule applies to checking their email, cell phone, etc... By the time you feel like you need to look, there's something very wrong going on.
Now I have had exs volunteer to let me read their diaries because they wanted to share who they were with me, and that's a great bonding experience. But that's the difference between being invited into a home and committing burglary in my mind | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 12:12:01 PM | | If you have a deep dark secret and you write it down and leave it lying around, then you deserve to have it read and discovered for being stupid and/or careless. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 12:24:29 PM | | I had similar issues. Given my age I've had few long term relationships to refer to. But I was unfortunate in most of the relationships I had. I always had problems trusting my partner. Even if many of these ended out to be true, I was convinced I had trust/jealousy issues. But when I look back I realize there have been people that I trusted and had no problems with. And right now I am with someone and not experiencing any of these problems. So I now think I was not the problem. Hopefully I'm not wrong! From now on I will trust my gut feeling. If I feel the need to snoop around, something must be wrong anyway whether or not I find it. If I sense it, it's bye bye from now on. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 12:41:42 PM | I dont know why anyone would want to read it, its like reading someones texts, you could read something, and take it the wrong way.. it could be innocent and you might not get the whole story! I always say i wont ask questions that i know i may not like the answer to, and i think its the same for reading a diary.
You obviously thought something was up, so you looked and found something that caused you to end the relationship, it may be wrong that you looked, but you looked and there is nothing you can do about it now. Its possible you can have a relationsship where you feel so secure, that you would never want, or need to invade someones privacy. Find that someone. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 48 | |
| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 12:45:15 PM | Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Hmm...big call on this IMO.
To me...as already stated, I dont think its any different to looking through someone's purse/wallet, cellphone or googling them for that matter.
Would I ever *just* do it? Not a chance in hell...I vote in that regard, with everyone else about it being a trust/respect & privacy issue.
Im also not so naive to think I *wouldnt* do it...should I have honest reason to think it was necessary because frankly, confronting someone without evidence gives them opportunity to lie, makes you look like a fool if you're wrong and doesnt actually fix the problem.
Now although...someone can lie to your face and you know they are...we still will often give someone the benefit of the doubt simply because we love them and dont want to jump to conclusions.
If you feel somethings "up"...then I dont think its wrong to confirm either way.
As Luke stated though...its a double edged sword...so you'd wanna be pretty sure if you decided to cross those bounds VVV
If you find proof they cheated, you were justified, if not, you feel like an ***hole for doing it
Sometimes deliberate clues are left...and its a "cry for help" for people who are in over their heads.
Others deliberately leave "clues" around in an attempt to bring situations to a head with a partner because they're effectively too much of a coward to deal with it themselves.
Even when confronted with that...they'll try to turn the situation around to say someone is irrational and cause selfdoubt while they skip off to do exactly what they were doing all along.
Meh...if I cant trust someone to do the right thing by me...then *I'll* look after me myself. Even if it causes a lot of hurt because I care for them and need to deal with it (cos Im not the type to turn a blind eye)...and have to unfortunately cross my own personal boundary to do it.
I could continue to argue like many of the others...that its just not "right"...and it may not be...but I deal with situations front attack...so if thats what I *had* to do...Id do it.
Funny thing is...Ive never actively snooped on anyone...yet Im always amazed how the truth comes out on its own
Besides...Id let someone look through my diary or phone or whatever...cos altho Im a private person...my partner has full disclosure on my life cos I just dont have anything to hide.
There'd be nothing in my diary I wouldnt share openly anyway.
Frankly...I think 100% of the people who've posted against looking in this thread...
...if they honestly felt with good reason their partner was cheating, they'd wanna know
...and if they honestly felt with good reason their loved ones life was somehow at stake through drugs or just circumstances...they'd wanna know.
Part of loving someone is looking at the bigger picture sometimes.
We dont wanna find our kids or partner hanging by the doorframe simply cos they couldnt handle life and we were too caught up in the privacy factor to realise sometimes you put things aside for the greater good.
Call it as you need to. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 5:00:42 PM | | Another issue would be, those hidden programs that let you track everything on someones PC, it was one of the top selling programs two years ago. Just something to think about. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 5:35:29 PM | | If you are suspicious of something before you read the diary, that's all you need to know. My guess is that you had lots of unsettling feelings before you ever read the diary. It also sounds like you are looking to find blame with yourself somewhere. You weren't right for each other. That happens. I think need you need to be more protective of yourself first, which doesn't mean reading his diary, but trusting your own feelings. | |
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