| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/16/2008 5:35:29 PM | | If you are suspicious of something before you read the diary, that's all you need to know. My guess is that you had lots of unsettling feelings before you ever read the diary. It also sounds like you are looking to find blame with yourself somewhere. You weren't right for each other. That happens. I think need you need to be more protective of yourself first, which doesn't mean reading his diary, but trusting your own feelings. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/17/2008 1:16:53 AM | Interested in your thoughts as I've been in the same siexperinced something similar. I have always trusted until proven I shouldn't and was unfamiliar with the lack of trust I was shown at the beginning of my last relationship. I didn't understand until I started to discover him chatting as a single, available man with women from here and other sites under assumed profiles using email account he kept secret from me. I was clueless, I only first found out because he left one of the chats up on his computer and I went to use it (we were living together at this point). Yes, I read what was sitting open on the screen - didn't think it was secret. Ever since then I was continuously accused of breaking into his email, invading his privacy and ironically charged with putting a keylogger on his pc (I didn't) - just to find later that he had put one on mine.
I don't know whether he would have actually met these women, however the conversations revolved around where to have their first dates and where they like to be touched. Each time I learned something he was so repentent, so sincere in his pleas for another chance, his promises that I was everything he wanted and he would be true. Assured me that if I stood by him through his recovery this behavior would disappear with the drug-induced thinking. Each time I forgave, believed, and was devastated when he slipped up and I found out.
Fast forward to 18 months later when I'm so proud and happy that he is once again in recovery, has been 45 days clean and is really taking the right steps to succeed. Never have I been so optimistic. Until a woman sends me the chat they had showing nothing has changed. Would you have read it? I did.
What I'm not proud of here isn't so much the fact that I read something which would provide proof that there was no hope, for unless I was certain I could not walk away from the promises I had made. What bothers me more is that I enabled someone to continue the behavior by believing in him and caring enough to pick up the pieces. So I hurt us both.
He believes I am solely at fault, that had I never read it there would be no problems between us, I have invaded his privacy which is unforgivable.
What I've learned from this is that if ever presented with the same situation, and my immediate reaction isn't to walk away assured there is nothing there, then I will walk away. If either has reason to doubt that we can't talk about and resolve then it isn't meant to be.
So if I had been more cautious and spied early on to see if he was keeping his promises, perhaps I could have saved us both much time and heartache. Doesn't feel right to me, however I can see how some could make the point that confirming early on would have been better for us both. Would love to hear your views. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/17/2008 2:42:08 PM | Like you, whatif714, I did not premeditate my snooping. I had been making a conscious effort to avoid reading the diary, which was sometimes difficult when he was writing it in my presence and I could scarcely help seeing some words when I looked at him. I don't think I would ever have decided--okay, tonight I'm going to try to view the diary when he's not looking. If I had had that conscious thought, I think I would have ended the relationship before ever reading it.
But he left it open on his bed one day and while I was waiting for him to come back from returning a movie, I happened to see it. The incriminating content was not only that he was seeing other women, or trying to. He also wrote that he did not respect me because he knows other women out there wouldn't date him at this moment (he evidently has more respect for gold diggers who only date someone who's extremely successful in the worldly sense)--but he was going to let our 'relationship' continue because it was a rare opportunity for him to use someone for sex.
Thank you all for your very edifying posts in this thread. --the OP | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/17/2008 2:57:40 PM | womens intuition very rarely fails u knew something was up didnt u. yea y got involved with a cheat follow your gut instinct and pick a man you FEEL connected to u had a lucky escape bet doesnt feel like that tho go out with friends and enjoy the fact your not one of those wpomen sitting watching tv while there husbands in bed with his secretaryxxxxxxxxxxxxxx | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/25/2008 11:53:59 PM | It depends on whose diary. If you are violating someone's trust in you, it is wrong. But, if you are over at Bill's house and sis left her diary laying around, it could be very comical.  | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/26/2008 12:01:22 AM |
Reading their diary is justifiable if they become a missing person, yes. Otherwise no.
If they're on the back of a milk carton, then I can overlook the complete invasion of privacy. Or if they have passed on, and you come across the book while cleaning up. We all know we'd look.
In ANY other context, it is never justifiable. EVER. That is a complete invasion of someone's privacy. You wouldn't like it if someone did it to you, so don't so it to them.
And it never fails to amaze me how many people try to justify it with the old familiar "I had suspicions..." angle. If you had suspicions, talk to the person you suspect. Invading their privacy in not justified because your "Spidey Sense" tingled...
Man, what is it with snoopy people these days? Eesh... | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/26/2008 3:03:08 PM | Sometimes you end up reading things you really don't want or can't handle beyond whether someone is cheating or not.
I read my ex-wife's diary toward the end of our marriage and it was crushing how alone she felt and how much she felt I was not giving her enough attention. Unfortunately I was in such a selfish place even reading that I couldn't step up and give her what she needed. But later after our divorce and my head cleared, it's te one thing that really sticks with me and I've never forgotten reading about her inner most thoughts and how much I was hurting her bybeing such a jerk.
If only I could tell her how much I think about that... | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/26/2008 3:04:40 PM | [bold]A better question to ask is why they felt the need to have to hide something in a diary and not communicate with you? I post my diary on the web for all the world to see, I have nothing to hide from anyone and actually have a little pity in my heart for those people who think that they can't be themselves and let the world love them for who they are! [/bold]
Great comment Baldy..
I heard it said "people who have nothing to hide .. hide nothing"..
While I can understand people wanting to write down thoughts .. etc. I don't understand why they would put something in a diary that could hurt another person.
I think the OP did the right thing.. they had an "alarm" go off inside their head..and they knew something was amiss.
and Listen if someone has a diary they need to keep it some place so I can't be found.. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/26/2008 3:19:57 PM | No it was wrong... but.. (rolls eyes...) your guy keeps a "diary" really??? Your 38 and your guy has a "diary"?
Thats how out of touch I guess I am... Sounds very Junior High to me.... I cant even imagine keeping a diary when I am about 40 years old... Maybe if I backpacked into the wilderness to keep a chronicle of my adventure but....
But a private diary at 40 seems sorta unusual. I am NOT picking on ya! OR HIM !
Just seems weird to me anyway to have a private diary at 40 with a significant other etc..
As I said.. I am SURE its me not you ! (Or him...) but .... this is why I love the forums...
Cowboy | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:42:26 PM | I think it is ok to read someones diary. If noone ever reads mine, I will be dissapointed... here, you wanna see?...
Just playing..
You have to wonder though. I expect sex tapes, diaries, and nude photos to be posted if they are any good, and that is what I keep in mind when I write or shoot, ya know?
Just sayin.... | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:49:11 PM | now I feel bad... Anne Frank....I am truly sorry....
Geez, how else would we ever know?
To all who would write in a diary to never be discovered:
Even my momma didn't make that fool. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:02:25 AM |
Thats how out of touch I guess I am... Sounds very Junior High to me.... I cant even imagine keeping a diary when I am about 40 years old...
I'm 35 and still keep a diary. Been keepin' it filled since I was 19. Was given to me as a post-suicide-attempt gift by my Mom. I treasure it deeply. I found it the other day, and I was saddened that I missed the last 7 years of my life. I feel bad about that because now those 7 years are lost to time and distant memory. November 2001 was my last entry. A lot happened in that time, but it's all basically lost and trapped in my mind. No one will ever know who I was or what I felt during that time.
I read the whole book from cover to cover after I found it, and as I read each one I could relive that piece of my life. So too, anyone who read it. There's a lot to be said about keeping a diary. I'll keep one til I lose the ability to pen in it. Then I'll pay someone to pen it for me.
When I die, I will pass them on to my kids so they can see what kind of life Daddy had. You can't buy a gift like that.
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:10:59 AM | the main problem was you were with the wrong person or at least in the wrong situation
one time somebody stayed at a bed and breakfast and then checked out but forgot their diary in the drawer
i was the next guest and i used the clues in the diary to find out who the person was, then was i was certain i mailed it back to the person with my email and she was happy | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/27/2008 5:15:57 AM | Not if you are in a relationship with the person....everone needs thier space and privacy..
On the other hand if you have a child who you fear is doing drugs or other negitive things I think it's ok as a parent to be concerned and peak into it.
I would. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/27/2008 6:11:58 AM | Unless the person was my minor child that I expected was using drugs or involved in a very distructive relationship I would not read their journals or diary.
The change has to come from you, if you expect cheating or that your mate has been lying to you, confront them and bring the issue into the open. But snooping through peoples mail, email, cell phone record etc. Is pure paranoia and morally wrong. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/27/2008 11:14:59 AM | NO!!!
Its never ok to read someone elses diary, I keep a diary and as anyone else who does will know that your feelings vary from day to day, i look back on some of the things i wrote a month ago and think they are crazy now!! I've been with my boyfriend almost 10 years and he's been in jail for 6 so as you can imagine the days i feel lonely and wonder what im doing i write things completely different to the days i've just visited him and i'm feeling positive. Im honest with him but sometimes to write down your feelings helps and means that your not hurting somebody by saying how you feel be it sad or angry etc. I know that if my boyfriend read some of the entries into my diary he'd be hurt that i've doubted if we can last some days he could also end up very big headed with the good that i've written about him. But at the end of the day they are my PRIVATE and PERSONAL feelings and everyone has a right to privacy. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/28/2008 4:56:30 AM | Yes. Also, it is sometimes justifiable - you can find out if they're having problems - hidden depression, say - they might mention it in the diary but not to you in person.
You can also find out all sorts of useful stuff about a partner by reading someone's diary - if they're in love with you, if they're not, if they're in love with someone else - you name it. I did it myself, and found out that a past girlfriend still had feelings for an old boyfriend who was still hanging around(and he had feelings for her), even though to me, she'd denied it.
Also, you can't deny reading diaries is just straight up really good fun. It must be - when I was younger, my family went out of their way to find and read every single diary I ever owned, leading me to the conclusion that that is what they are actually for - for other people. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/28/2008 5:51:52 AM | Learn to trust your intuition, and you won't need to go looking for "proof" of anything. I have learned that if you "know" something but you just can't prove it, the proof will present itself to you in good time. I had that exact thing happen to me once. I didn't go looking for anything, but it literally fell at my feet.
The point is that I "knew" what I knew, and I shouldn't have even waited for the proof to show up...I should have gotten out as soon as I knew there was no way I could trust this person.
Knowing all the details was much harder than just walking away when I knew I there was no trust would have been.
Don't go looking for anything...there was no need to go looking for what you already knew.
Everyone has intuition...we've just all got to learn to listen to it, and not second-guess it...because the only times I've made a mistake, have been the few times I ignored my intuition and didn't do what it told me to. I haven't had one instance when my intuition wasn't right. It's a very powerful tool we've been given...everyone needs to learn how to use it. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/28/2008 6:05:54 AM | No .. reading someone's diary is never justified (unless they are missing or deceased, as noted by several posters).
My mom not only read my diary, when I was a teen, she WROTE five pages of notes in it afterwards (LOL) because I used it as an outlet and what I wrote wasn't pretty. I felt violated, embarrassed (because I didn't REALLY hate her, just wrote it down in an adolescent fit of rage), angry, and the most significant feeling I remember was one of losing a part of myself, somehow. Needless to say, I don't journal much these days ...
She would do it again, too. lol .. I forgave her (and would again) but she's my mom. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 8/28/2008 7:12:46 AM | No, it's not justified. One can't open their partners' brain (legally) and pull out thoughts and feelings, hence, stooping to snooping is just as wrong, IMO. We all have that inner voice that tells us that something isn't right, yet most strive to not hear it. Shutting it out by b*tching and moaning instead of confronting it head-on, like a supposed adult should do. I'd had the chance to read my ex's emails (once upon a time) and I didn't do it. They were to a woman that lived a few cities away and they worked for the same company. By not snooping and just paying attention to what was going on, I let that voice direct me down the right path. I have no regrets, and wish them all the happiness that their deceptions provided them..... *shrugs* | |
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