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| What do you make of this dating experience?
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:56:51 AM | OP you say you had her 'cornered'. That's what you do in boxing - that's not what you do in dating.
She reacted how most cornered people react - she ended up lashing out.
I've now and again had ladies I'm not attracted to 'corner' me and you end up putting distance between yourself and them. I've left social groups and considered calling the police (on one occasion) when women wouldn't accept I wasn't interested.
Having said that, I found myself in your situation where I'd fallen for a girl I hardly knew and I knew it was inappropriate. I texted her to say it wasn't right for me because of this imbalance and when she replied she understood and said that was OK I was upset and texted her back a load of rubbish as to what was wrong with her attitude and I'd just tested her and she'd failed.
She and I had been chatting all day every day for three weeks and I'd got really attached to her (and the date went really well, too). Shortly afterwards I texted her again and apologised saying I'd got myself in a right state and sorry I'd taken it out on her. I spent a few weeks after that getting my head sorted out. This was quite a while ago now.
I've since been on a few dates and it's not happened since- that business came after I'd been non-dating for a very long time so I let myself off the hook guilt-wise but you've got to monitor our own feelings and learn to keep them under control. Don't open the doors to 'fixation' if you can help it as it only pushes people away.
The problem can arise when being around a particular woman lifts your spirit so much it has an addictive quality. You want that but we need to learn to be detached from it as well.
No more 'cornering' mate. Cornering is bad.
The best model I've heard described is that a man should regard himself as a sun with women circling around him like planets and if a planet should feel so attracted it falls into a closer orbit he should be relaxed as it approaches. A sun reaching out to a planet just kills it.
Watch out for asteroids though.
A those supernovae are just plain ridiculous. | |
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| What do you make of this dating experience?
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:39:57 AM | OP, my suggestion is that the next time round, please DO NOT talk for hours on the phone with a girl. Leave that role for one of her girlfriends. If you want to be a "friend", then yeah, do the whole phone thing, but if you want to date her then never spend more than a few minutes on the phone, and that too just to say hello and plan the next date.
And all the hand holding stuff, because it was too early, made you come across as needy. Nothing drives a woman away quicker than neediness - perceived or real. This is not to say that you should not hold hands or indulge in a little PDA, but leave that for when you're dating regularly.
Let this one go. Easier said then done, I know, but you handed over all of your power to her, and there is nothing you can do to fix this now.
Good luck for next time
:) | |
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| What do you make of this dating experience?
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:06:38 AM | Herein lies the problem with communicating extensively in writing or on the phone before meeting. You might feel a lot of passion and chemistry over the internet and over the phone, but it may be nonexistent when you meet.
I once found myself completely, insanely, unrealistically attracted to a man who would not move past the email stage. We shared an intense correspondence until I became impatient and wanted more. I am not looking for a relationship with my inbox.
Perhaps he was not who he says he was, perhaps he was hiding something. Perhaps he was simply telling the truth when he gave his excuses. I like to think so.
No idea what it could have been, but something was out of whack.
I need to see eyeballs, I need to see body language. I can't tell a damn thing about a man through text and I am certain that I am more appealing in person than online. I know I have a disadvantage because my humor is on the sarcastic side. There are probably other things I am not even aware of, too.
I need reality. It's that simple for me.
OP, it sounds to me that when she met you she simply wasnt as attracted to you as she expected to be. | |
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| What do you make of this dating experience?
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:26:42 AM | Its true, body language and actually experiencing someone in the flesh can change the whole thing. She claims I showed my true colors in one of her tirades. I feel she was lashing out at me because she felt convicted. Others I have talked to said she was using me for entertainment as the two weeks she talked to me was the two weeks she was doing nothing but packing and moving back to WA state.
The only thing I did that I regret was ordered her to come outside with me. She didnt want to, but I was so uneasy I had to get out and shake this uneasiness I had. I NEVER BOSS PEOPLE around, not once in my life especially on a date.
the date went well I thought, but I felt so bad coming home a part of me perhaps knew I blew it. | |
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| What do you make of this dating experience?
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:56:55 AM | dude, first rule of internet dating meet within a week.
Also don't call more then once if just to arrange the meeting and don't exchange endless emails. (these aren't my rules, check the forums and online these are almost universally accepted, meet ASAP, people who don't meet you within a week are wasting your time and theirs).
Why? i think you know why because the way you act in person is totally different, then over the phone or email.
Yes Girls will try to string you along so they can have some company someone to talk to endlessly, but you have to put your foot down and say meet me or get your jollies off the next guy. If you don't your just going to get attached and then crushed if things don't work out in person. | |
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| What do you make of this dating experience?
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:07:07 PM | SA,
You are a loser. Live with it. And grow up for god's sake. Are you this whiny and defensive on a date? No wonder she dropped a fast dime on your butt. Geez, you give being a man a bad name. | |
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| What do you make of this dating experience?
Posted: 6/15/2008 4:41:48 PM | | Well blue eyes and black hair is my ideal for attraction. It has nothing to do with being shallow,infact she was the first person to meet that ideal. All other dates have been of all shapes and sizes, but Shallow? Now wait a minute. The last girl I dated wasnt in the least attractive to most, she was a size 25! But to me, still she was attractive and she was working on losing weight and I could see it. Her personality is what I liked most about her and she only got more attractive as I got to know her better and better. I am much deeper than you think. | |
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| What do you make of this dating experience?
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:08:15 PM | "Herein lies the problem with communicating extensively in writing or on the phone before meeting. You might feel a lot of passion and chemistry over the internet and over the phone, but it may be nonexistent when you meet."
Isn't that the truth? Talking and e-mailing does not take the place of meeting in person and sometimes the other party is just not interested. I agree about not being with someone who is not into you. | |
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| What do you make of this dating experience?
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:49:19 PM | Tis the truth and now much to be surprise even I used to be out spoken in this regard and I completely forgot! This is a blog I wrote a few years back after my first internet date in person!
Friday, August 19, 2005
Problems with online dating
We've all done it one time or another. Nowadays there are hundreds of sites that offer a quick and easy fix to someone's social life. As this popular yet old concept of dating evolved on the internet, so did the ways of finding matches. Some sites use a staff of doctors and psychological methods in order to find the perfect match. Why not try it? After all the bars and the clubs gets old, and other social engagements that you attend dont turn up any results, so I can speak for us all that one time or another we've looked at online dating as last resort.
While many a site can boast its many hundred users ended up finding their soulmate on these sites, it is more often than not that the user will come out of the site empty handed, his or her confidence shaken because the few dates they went on turned out to be absolute failures. There is a cause to this: its called "Perfect Match Syndrome."
Ever have a strong desire to attain someone or something and once you have it, its all the suddenly not as good as you had thought? This Syndrome often makes our online matches to look like the ideal person to date. There are a couple of reasons that lead to this:
1. The Profile
In a matter of seconds you know a good deal of information about a potential match, common interests, hobbies, locations and even what he or she would do on a first date. You've already know about a match in 45 seconds rather than a hour getting to know that person face to face for the first time.
2. The E-mail
Anyone can write a good E-mail if they give it thought. You get to know more about your match, and its all the good aspects of them. At this point if you were to meet face to face, you'd know by now if this person was or wasn't dating material. In interpersonal communications, you often find out more about the person's personality by decoding body talk, even signs such eye contact give you an indication of weather or not this person is shy, or comfortable around other people.
This is part one of my explanation of the "Perfect Match Syndrome." I'll write part two soon. In part two I'll explain how our hopes come crashing down when we find out our date doesnt live up to his or her reputation.
Part 2
Perfect Dating syndrome part II (typed a few days later)
In part I, I talked about the factors that can lead to perfect match syndrome. Now I will talk about the results of the date.
After 2 weeks of making calls and writing letters, the you decide to meet up with your date. Your are just crazy about each other. As I said before, we can be easily tricked into thinking our date is just perfect and its all just going to be a cake walk. So you meet with your date. Maybe he or she want what he or she was posing as in the picture? Or maybe your date was timid, very shy, or maybe just maybe already made up his or her mind about you. To all the women who read this, you are very good at sizing up your dates upon meeting. So true is the saying, "Men do not know how a date is going to turn out until after the date, a women already knows in a matter of moment upon meeting." And if this moment didn’t make or break your would be relationship then there will be a series of habits and conversations that will be sure to end your crush on your date once and for all.
The night has ended, your date went home. If you were nice enough, you would offer him (or her) a hug before parting your ways. You then reflect on the night. You seem to have had an ok time. But your date....what were you thinking? How could this person be so....opposite of what he or she was on the internet?
That is it right there, your date only sent the good and positive traits about him or herself. In essence, you were looking at your date with rose tented glasses, only see the good side and not the bad side. There are two reactions that come out of this. One is that you can just wait for him to call, and then say lets be friends. It’s a nice and honorable gesture and it wont crush the person's self confidence. Or this case could happen: Your crush or like for this person is gone, almost instantly. Resentment takes over. You immediately cut off of communication with this person. The date if he or she liked you will no doubt call back. If it comes to it, you'll block his number and also his ID on the site you found him one. You wasted your time with this person, there is no point in conversing any further, even being nice about the whole issue like saying "lets just be friends" is out of the question.
Incidents like these happen every night, its unavoidable, but sometimes its not always the case. There are alot of relationship that are indeed very successful, but if the ratio between successful and failed first dates were to be severed more often than not first dates between two people often was the last date.
I have spent lots of time and lots of money on internet dating. I've only been on two dates with people I met on the net and each time it was a failure. But at least one date was nice enough to still be commentating with me. The other date...well... I called a few times and wrote a few letters. She then blocks me ID on the site we met on and most likely blocked my number although I never called her again. I guess I must of really freaked her out, but then again she really had high expectations of me.
My Solution
Traditional dating however hasn’t lost its touch. I feel one has a best chance for a successful long term relationship if this person were to be friends with their date first and then get to know more about them. If it turns out this person is a bum, hey no worries at least you were dating this person and had that happen to you, it’s a win-win situation and it will be a benefit to both parties because neither didn’t waste the time in dating this person just after reviewing a profile or reading a few carefully typed letters | |
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| What do you make of this dating experience?
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:07:14 PM | | ummmm....are you sure she's a size 25? because i've never heard of that size. ok, well if blue eyes are your thing, go for it. personally i don't give a rat's ass what color a man's eyes are, the more important thing is how he treats me. | |
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