| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:56:45 AM | Heh, I'm rather intrigued by the fact that many seem to think that age doesn't matter.
Well it does to me anyway.
I'm 24 and I find most 20 year old women to be somewhat immature.
Also keep in mind that her parents may have less of an age difference with you than their daughter does.
In any case, you're both adults, who am I to judge? Keep in mind that most people won't say anything but in the back of their minds they'll be thinking "WTF is this circus??!?"
That's all. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:05:53 AM |
My dilemma is this I would like to pursue a relationship with her that could lead to marriage.
First find out what she wants. Otherwise your pursuit might be in vain.
But I know this must be down right or I'll end up being an older guy with a crush.
If you do it wrong, being the older guy with a crush won't be that bad!
I know that I need to change her perception of how she thinks about me to be at all successful.
Hell no! That's manipulation! Be yourself, and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If you pretend to be something you're not and later she finds out the real you, "The End".
I am curious as to what might be the best way of going about this.
There is no way I would tell you, or anyone, how to manipulate another, ever. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:34:52 AM | With her being 23 years old - she is old enough to make her own decision and have her own feelings about 'dating' you. If I were in your position I would let her instigate the 'dating' ... she may only view you as a family friend and have platonic feelings for you. If you divulge your thoughts and feelings it may not end up the way you want it to. You may cause a rift in your current 'relationship' (awkward feelings) that will never go away.
Let her be the one to bring it up - if she is interested, she'll ask why you haven't married, or something along those lines. That's when you can ask her to go out for a coffee.... and then..... take baby steps.
I have two family 'friends' (widowers) that have known me since I was a child - both expressed 'romantic' intentions within the last year (20 years age diff) My decision was based on a few factors:
1) What would this do to the family / friends relationship if something went awry?
2) What if they passed away - do I want 10 - 15 years with them and they are taken from me?
3) Get the family permission so they don't freak out.
4) Do I have "warm & fuzzy - loving " thoughts about them? (attracted) In my case, not enough to jeopardize the exisiting family / friendship bonds.
I've passed on both - for me the family / friendship bonds are pretty tight and I did not want to live with the consequences of contaminating the bonds. In additon, being a 'family' friend - I know my Father (even though I'm 42) would pretty much flip his lid if he found out his best friend had the hots for me. I think that is where the 'what if she was your daughter part comes into play' How would you feel if it was your 23 year old daughter and your 'friend' had the hots for her ? Dad's can be kind of funny about their daughters........no matter what age they are.
I care for both of them but passed on the 'romance' and both now have found SO's and everyone is happy. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:40:13 AM |
I know that I need to change her perception of how she thinks about me to be at all successful.
~OP~ If you have to change someone (in any way) the relationship won't be a success no matter how she views you. I'm sorry to say, find someone you love and who loves you exactly as you are. JMO  | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:48:03 AM | You've known her for 10yrs when she was just a little girl......?
And,you've just been waiting for her to "grow up"....?
WTF ?? (too creepy for words!)
Surely to God over the past ten years you've met other woman who interest you..!!!
Forget it.
Move on.
And,stop fantasizing...................... | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:01:24 AM | Poster, the young lady is just beginning to understand life and enjoy it....she's got her life ahead of her. (You do too).
However, you cannot force someone or change someone or make someone do something they may not want to do.
Let's say, she did date you but ended up realizing that you were not for her.....how would you take that? You've spend 10+ years waiting for her....you'd be a little more than upset...
Each person has the choice to their own path.... | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:03:03 AM | Generations ago, where marriage resulting from just such an acquaintanceship was far from unusual, the correct approach would have been to ask permission from her father to court her. However, we are in the year 2008, not 1808.
If you feel attracted to her, ask her out on a date. Behave towards her not as a friend, but as a date. However, take great care not to try to manipulate her feelings. You are concerned about whether she may consider you as too old and your mind will rest easier in this respect if you hold back from trying to influence her but enable her to choose you freely. Loving and respecting someone, you must want the best for them and respect that they are the best person to make these decisions even if you don't necessarily agree with them. It may be that you are not the best boyfriend for her and you must allow her to make that choice. Age matters to some and not to others and it really is not relevant whether it matters to anyone other than the two people concerned.
At 23, she is an adult and all these cries of paedophilia seem rather ridiculous. If the OP was attracted to her when she was younger, don't you think he'd have approached her as soon as she was legal (if not sooner)? | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:27:01 AM | I agree with this ^^^^
But I'd add, that one possible danger in this, if she has grown up since childhood to consider you a "safe" adult "place"--with no sexual/erotic pressure attached--knowing that this isn't actually the case with you might make her feel betrayed. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:34:55 AM | She's an adult human being walking on her own 2 legs isn't she ?
Maby you should give her the benefit of the doubt and let her make up her own mind about it.
If another 23 yr old woman had an interest in you, would you run off ?
Give her a nudge and see if she's receptive.
If not, then forget about it. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:02:19 AM | It is not the age difference in and of itself. There is a couple of more years age difference (13+) - between me and my ex-wife. She was 25 years old. We were married 17 years and age had nothing to do with nothing. We still like each other a great deal.
I did ask her about the difference, when we were dating. Her answer was “you are young for your age and I am old for mine - we meet in the middle” - and we did.
What is bugging me OP is ..........
You would have *** ALREADY *** know it. You would have already LONG AGO known if she was interested in you as a man.
The simple fact that you are ...... wondering how to change her - hoping to change her - after all these years - answers you own question and ...
YOU KNOW IT ALREADY. You already know - trying to change her thinking is wrong.
Do her a favor - leave her alone. Respect the way things are .... and have always been.
If (when and if) she backs you in the corner - gets in your face and says ......
“Look Mister - stop viewing me as that little girl that I use to be - start viewing me as the woman I am”. “Just SHUT UP and kiss me”
THEN and only then could you start acting as a man (with the thoughts you have) around her. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:13:11 AM | I agree with this ^^^
Age doesn't matter, I usually date older men myself. But I will let a man know when I'm interested in him. If she hasn't shown any interest in you, it might ruin the family friendship. Suppose she says to her parents, "Eww, the Reverend tried to hit on me!" And they get angry. Well, that's that. If it's a good friendship, I wouldn't touch it.
If you know her well, you know what kind of person she is. Perhaps she is shy and waits for the man to initiate...you know best...but I have to agree with the above poster, if she hasn't shown romantic interest, I think it's best to leave it alone. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:22:54 AM | Oh brother.
If you want to ask her for a date, then just ask her for a date.
You know... it goes like this: "would you like to go out on a date?".
Then you'll get your answer.
geeesh
If she says no, then that's that.
Afraid to ask 'cos it would knock down your fantasy?
Then you got problems, reverand. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:54:47 AM | Google a counselor/author named 'R. Don Steele' at his Men of Steele Balls website. You'll learn alot about how to handle young women and age gap relationships, and relationships in general.
At 47, I have dated women up to 20 years younger than me and had a fantastic time! However, the fact you've been watching her grow up is a bit creepy, I agree.
According to Steele, women on average mature about 11 years ahead of us guys, which explains why some women here think men their age are immature.
I find many women my age tiring and boring. I want to ride my horses, go swimming and boating--they want to watch TV or walk the malls. I think I'm about 35 emotionally, and most of my friends are around that age. Plus I'm still hoping for a child someday.
Still, my advice echos the above, and Steeles--be a closer friend, try a coffee or 'pseudo-date' maybe a festival, or wine tasting, or horse races, something adults do--and see what happens!
Good Luck Rev!
Waverunn'r | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:02:07 PM | | I agree with msg 7, this has a real creepy factor to it. If you'd said you have known her since then and just recently discovered you are attracted to her, that would be one thing but that you've been waiting for her to grow up into the woman you want her to be, I think you need to really look at what you've been thinking all along. Are you sure you are seeing her or what you want to see, and really if she felt the same, I think she'd have let you know by now. Let the girl alone and maybe seek some professional help to work through this obsession you've had with her all these years. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:10:18 PM | background some of you are getting this twisted:
I am 34 never married no kids, I refuse more advances then all the men I know, I have waited to get married because I rather not get divorced.
1st reverendLovejoy is a simpsons reference what other reverend Lovejoy have you heard of?
2nd I do not want to force her into anything, I also figured that I would have been married by now (I'll take the time to restate this from the op), and that we would have just an adult friendship, but being that I have not married she is one of a few women that I would consider to marry, and not I do not care to bed her in a casual, I find it awkward enough when I do not know the person well. The thing about her is that when we do/ have hung out it's the interaction that I have been waiting for in a potential mate. This was the quality that I recognized in her back then that I enjoy interaction with her thus wanted to be friends with the adult version of her.
3rd
I would not have a problem with an person who wanted to spend their live with a child of mine age to me does not matter in it the reason for the relationship that matters, I would not be very keen on any person age or sex that was looking to exploit a loved one of mine child or not.
4th
I do not fell guilty about anything, what I asked for in the op is an avenue of perception to reach my end goal of creating a platform to express myself to her without it falling on deaf ears and an unreceptive heart. Change does not mean to force, change is just something that means something is different then before.
5th
thank you all that have taking the time to write something other than a lame rant. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:18:17 PM |
OP, no response? There have been 42 responses and no comments from you. Have you left us?
no I wrote the op right before I went to bed and it's the first thing I checked when I awoke. I would not not respond this is the biggest concern I have at the moment.
Oh and yes I have experienced life I have dated figuring out what what type of women is for me, and yes she is doing the same she has dated a few different men over the last couple of years, so she is doing the same. And not I am not involved in this nor do I have bad feelings about her dating, the way I see it now that I feel this way towards her, is with every guy that she dates and does not marry then that is another she can compare me against should thing progress that far.
the Rev | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:29:05 PM | Good luck is right.
Sure, it can be fun. It can be harmles too......it can also be alot of other things too. Crushes can be bad in the sense that emotion clouds our minds and we don't see as clearly as we normally would.
The nature of your relationship preceding her adulthood, keeping in mind she is a young adult now and still sensitive to influence, is really the question. Only you know if this is truly a healthy and what feelings and thoughts you had while she was growing up.
I agree that 10-12 years apart is not (necessarily) a big deal, depending on your development and personalities.
I would tread carefully.....if she is not on your vibe you could cause some uncomfortable feelings that would extend beyond just the two of you.
I say this as I have had similar things happen.........it can be creepy or if you play your cards right it can turn out o.k.....as long as you remain respectful and keep her sensitive developmental age in mind.....
Peace | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:35:05 PM |
If you'd said you have known her since then and just recently discovered you are attracted to her, that would be one thing but that you've been waiting for her to grow up into the woman you want her to be, I think you need to really look at what you've been thinking all along. Are you sure you are seeing her or what you want to see, and really if she felt the same
I will take the time to address this post as you are far off the mark and I would not want others to end out where you have, again I address this in the 1st post maybe I was not clear so I will try to do so now.
I said that I would thought that I would have been married by now, meaning back then when I was 25 I figure by the time she was old enough to marry, that I would have been married to someone else. That means that I have not been waiting for her to come of age.
The reason I have keep up with our relationship is that at that age I had found value in the friendship (key word is friendship, for those that missed it the many times before now), but I want to be friends with the adult "her" not to be a creepy was the goal, because I am aware in this country that older men or looked on as predators . Begin that I am not a predator I just removed myself from even the doubt of suspension, as that I wanted to be friend with the adult ie an adult relationship.
the Rev | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:41:08 PM | Oh brother, you've refused more advances than most men can get...no need to read further, you are full of it and do not see anything wrong with your obsession and I hope you get help but am not holding my breath. What a bunch of BS.  | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:47:27 PM |
that she would grow up to become someone I wanted to be friends with
ahh BS! you didn't want to be her friend and you don't want to be her friend now.
a 25 year old man thinking that a 13 year old child is some one he can base emotional maturity on, give me a fycking break dude. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 3:14:21 PM |
you've refused more advances than most men can get
what the hell are you reading is it my post???
i said that i have refused my advances than my all of the men I know, meaning if you counted the how many times they have REFUSED an advance. I said nothing about how that I have refused more advances than they receive offers. please keep your post to what I wrote. As there is no nee to train wreck me asking for advice.
25 year old man thinking that a 13 year old child is some one he can base emotional maturity on
are you even kidding me, how did you even come to this!!! if you take the time to read please read what I wrote ALL OF IT, or there is no point in reading what has been written.
all I said is that I saw a reason to have a friendship with her at that age. Maybe you write people off for there age but I have many friends both much older and much younger than I. Maybe that comes from having a brother that is 14 years younger and I made the choice to include him and his friends in my life. Maybe it's because I am not caught up on limitations of those around me. Maybe it's because you are crass.
But this is not what I am looking for I did not ask a question to the forum to be involved in the petty fights about words with petty forum trolls. I am looking for advice. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:33:51 PM | Maybe it's because you are crass.
I may be crass but where I come from? 13 year old children hang out with other 13 year old children . And 25 year old adults should be finding likeness in mind concerning so called "friendship" with others 25 year old adults.
sorry but it's just creepin on me a bit like others have said. | |
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