| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:03:23 PM | She's 23. I don't see how this is an issue of his trying to 'corrupt' her innocent nature. Last I checked 23 is 5 years past the age of majority.
This is actually not uncommon. To answer the first poster, Greg's, question: If I had a daughter who was mature, then yes. Why not? In particular, I get the impression the OP was a friend of the family type who respectfully kept his distance and let the girl grow up. He's at the very least a known commodity. If he's respected by the family chances are the family thinks highly of the guy. Now, given the paucity of respectable guys out there, wouldn't you in some ways prefer this?
Its likely not a case of this guy trying to 'groom' her or something like that, but rather an instance where she's grown into someone he enjoys as a person. I don't see how theres anything wrong with this. If she reciprocates his feelings then I don't see any reason to oppose this. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:06:06 PM | how is some one admitting at the time of being 25 that they were attracted to a 13 year old child irrelevant?
When did he ever 'admit' this or even hint at it? In fact, I do believe he explicitly said the opposite. What part of "I assumed we'd have a good friendship when she grew up" screams pedophilic attraction?
He wasn't asking 'well gee how do I get around this guilt I feel for lusting for a decade over a teenage girl"... he was asking a modified version of the all too common "How do I get out of the friend category." Everything else was added for context. It blows my mind so many of you have extrapolated beyond that. Doesn't the mere fact that he's waited well beyond her age of majority to pursue anything suggest he's the antithesis of sleazy? | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/16/2008 11:49:15 PM | What I find disturbing is you trying to " change her perception" of how she thinks of you
what is scary is that you're 35 years old, ever hear the old saying " convince a man (or woman) against his/her will is of the same opinion still?"
Listen to me Sport as my New York friends say" Forget about it ", let this girl go, she already thinks of you as " older" and in most girls her age that might be creepy to her, the fact you shared you've known her since was 13 years old when you were 25 years well does come across as " creepy" being friends with a 13 year old when you're 25 years old does come across as some kind of chester the child molester or Merv the perv type of character
Can you see it from the other side, maybe you're intentions were honorable (giving you the benefit of doubt) but getting back to your original question, and my advice is you cant force it she either likes you or she doesn't? you just have to ask her and be prepared for the answer whether you like it or not.
Just remember you don't live in the back woods of Kentucky
( no offense to the citizens of Kentucky that isn't a backwards nose picking inbred) | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/17/2008 7:41:17 AM | You're 12 years older than her....and you first met her when she was thirteen?
That would've placed you at age 25 then...
I...don't even want to THINK about what motivated you with that scenario, but it's a wonder you didn't wind up in jail... | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:25:32 AM | Look, I'm 23 and I've had girlfriends date guys 10+ years older than them. In some scenarios I thought something was awry and in others I thought it perfectly acceptable. This dependent on circumstance.
In fact, I knew a girl (an attractive one) who dated a guy under almost exactly the same scenario --> she was 21, and he was a 31 year old family friend. It didn't work out, but she said he was the most respectful guy she'd ever dated because he already knew and respected her family, and ergo feared losing their or her friendship. Most guys could give a flying f*ck.
This guy could perfectly well be a creep, but given that the girl is an adult and presumably capable of making her own decisions I don't see the problem.
To answer the OP's original question: Its going to be a difficult route, but the key is to make highlight your accomplishments. Based upon my personal observations, at your age what becomes attractive to women are the you've accomplished and what you've become, not necessarily the looks and 'swagger' that may have predominated in your younger years. Highlight those things and demonstrate your vitality. This all of course depends on her as well. I've found a lot of these depends on level of educational attainment, ie, those with more tend to have a more relaxed opinion on age differences than those with less. I say this because for many such people their careers don't even begin until they're in their mid-to-late 20s.
So basically, we're going to need a little more context in order to give you any worthwhile advice. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:07:57 AM | | I don't think it's a problem, there's someone I know who is twelve years older than me, and if I thought I had a snowball's chance in he_l, I'd go for it. She won't think badly of you - just lay it out there that you 'wondered if she was ever interested' and go from there. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:22:22 AM | | a 23 year old is not a child by anyones standard, if she views you as a man, and not an authority figure , i say go for it, you seem like a nice person, who is not looking for just one thing, unlike most boys her age | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:44:15 AM | Wow people are harsh, what is wrong with this guy who saw something in a girl he met years ago that made him think "shame she isn't older"? People are turning him into a child molester when it seems he's quite the opposite. He's never said he was physically attracted to her and he's actually said a few times he feels a connection with the kind of person she is.
OP you need to live by your own standards of right and wrong, who cares what others think. Most people are sheep just reciting what they've been told for years anyway, not truly capable of thinking on their own and making an enlightened, true decision...FWIW my only concern is when you said
"I know that I need to change her perception of how she thinks about me to be at all successful. "
Just me but that is a big red flag...you cannot change how someone feels or perceives things - you can only present yourself and accept their feelings. People who try to change how others feel are often inherent manipulators and often have a terrible ability to empathize. Her feelings are hers and do not try to rob her of them. Good luck tho...if I were her, I'd probably appreciate just being told during a fun friend-time that you've developed feelings for me in a no-pressure way - make sure I knew that you'd be OK with it if i didn't feel same and wanted to stay as is. That way you can really leave it in her hands...if she feels the same way the door is open and you'll see it; if not, well of course you risk losing the friendship - but that's your decision to make. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:18:48 AM | ""I know that I need to change her perception of how she thinks about me to be at all successful. ""
This bugs me too, and seems to be a huge red flag.
OP just ask her on a date no pressure and if she says yes them go and have a good time getting to know one another just like you would on any other date. You can force her to see you differently.
As far as the the looking at her at 13 and thinkoing hmmm. Ok a little creepy, but for all those who are stating he's a child molester on hiding, get real, he's no longer be interested in her as an adult. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:41:40 AM | If the OP had started a thread saying she's 23 I'm 35 does age matter? without the fact he knew her since 13 , most would have just said they were both adults and if age doesnt bother them ,to go for it.
I dont think he said he was waiting for her to grow up. I see him saying he met her through friends or family when she was 13 and saw a pretty girl that would turn into an attractive woman. He got on with his life but met no one special enough to marry. And now shes 23 and he sees her as an attractive woman.
In any event OP, given the fact that you have been in and out of her life as an older aquaintence, she is looking at you as someone that was there when growing up. How to change that and have her look at you differently is not an easy answer. You may want to ask her to dinner and a movie and get a reaction. If she laughs or looks at you strange........well then you know.
My grandfather was 19 when he married my grandmother.....a window with 2 children at age 30. They had a 47 year marriage when he passed away.......So age in any direction is not an issue for me.
You may be chasing windmills.......but you dont know till you try. Ask her out and get your answer...........At this point your both adults......so no harm there....... | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:44:19 AM | Well..here's my opinion. I think she'd be crazy to not go for it!! I think you love her & always have. If you make her feel secure & loved, as comfy as ever & don't try for sex, eventually (not anywhere within the first few months) ask her to let you make love to her, move closer to her, tell her you want to make her feel so.... (choose your words wisely). I don't think it's creepy that you waited for her to grow up, I think it's actually quite romantic, sweet & loving. I remember when I was 14 & I dated a ??? yr old man, everyone thought it was just not right, but you know, I know he loved me & we stayed together until I was 21 & we had one son together. I'm 30 something now & we're still really good friends even though our romance didn't work out, I'm still very happy to have had that experience.  | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:46:40 AM | | My grandfather was 12 years older than my grandmother and nobody seemed to mind about that. She's of legal age. My last relationship was with a guy 12 years younger than myself. The older you get, the less that gap matters. It's a factor to be taken into consideration but not the only one. As to how to proceed: don't know what to say. Same as with any woman, I'd guess. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/19/2008 1:32:56 AM | Had a similar situation occur about 10 years ago myself... It was a friend of mines little sister. When I first met her, I didn't really think anything of her, she was 15 & I was 26 at the time. Over the years, we would occasionally interact a little more frequently than others as she grew up, but nothing that anyone ever could have considered lecherous. I had been living in downtown Chicago for several years, and hadn't seen her in a year or two, when I bumped into her at a coffee shop near me. It turned out she had moved downtown and was only a couple blocks away from me. She was 22 at the time, obviously I was 33.
We exchanged phone numbers, but nether one of us called the other for about 6 months, then I was bored one day and called to say "hi". She returned the call, which started us hanging out a lot. She said she was in the market for new friends because hers were to childish & immature... We hung out as friends for about 2-3 months, I'd guess, and one day out of no where it hit me. She was harmlessly flirting with a friend of mine ,but I still felt the pangs of jealousy. Which caused me to reassess how I was seeing & feeling about her. After I sat her down one day to hash things out, we decided to giving dating a shot... We wound up dating for a year... And I'd have to say, even though it didn't work out. It was one of my favorite & successful relationships.
Now how does this help you? First, this 12 yr age difference is something that can be over come. I would wonder how you went from thinking she's cool & her not even knowing how you feel... straight to the alter. That sort of the "fast track" and a sure sign of a red flag in my opinion. Second, if you have to change her opinion of you, that strikes me as you know your already in the "friend zone", and smacks of a lot of manipulation to try & get out of it. Which is another red flag to me.
Now to tell you what you want to hear? It's simple, next time you talk to her, ask her out... It doesn't have to be a romantic thing... But go to a baseball game or something, something low key & non-threatening. If she resists, then you might have your answer. If she accepts, see if she's interested hanging out with you more often... If she seems interested, lay your cards on the table. Just be honest and let things take a natural coarse. | |
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| I have known her since she was 13, I'm 12 years her senior.
Posted: 6/19/2008 6:57:15 PM | THANKS everyone that posted something in the aspect of helping out, i stayed away from this post as i am not here to debate nor get in fights about a readers perception, as i tried to be very clear.
if anyone wants to be updated as to the turn of events go head a write me at my pof email, and i will let you know what's what when there is something to share.
the only thing that some keep refering to is when i say "change" i do not mean "to make" or "force" nor "manipulate" her any in way. i just want her to know that i am an option.
and in regards to marriage i stated this to differentiate just wanting to get in her pants. | |
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