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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/15/2008 1:45:27 PM | well going from what I do, when I get stressed I like to sit on my own and think. I used to live in morecambe and sitting on the wall on the seafront was a great way to go through a lot of thoughts and issues I had.
but there are time I like to just get away from everything and totally wrap my self in a video or a pc game.
Most of the time a guy isolates himself so he can think things through then if he is still stumped as for advice then formulate his own answer (or at least I would) | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/15/2008 4:39:09 PM |
Men like to work through problems with no distractions. Women have problems and want empathy and not solutions. Most won't admit it, but it's the truth. When a g/f or wife has complained to me about her problems and I offered her a solution, she got pissed.
Glock is correct for the most part. Women want to talk about it and want men to make them feel better. They are not looking for solutions. Guys are fixers. We have solutions but lack skills for empathy and making you feel better. This is no mystery. It is stated in the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".
I'm very good at dealing with stress and problems. I know that most of my solutions will always be better than what she will provide. And if she asks me to tell her what is wrong shes going to try to make me feel better and that honestly does me no good. This does not mean I will shoot down her solution. I'm a very analytical person so I usually always think everything through in my head from start to finish and weigh all possibilities, pros and cons. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:08:05 PM | | It's frustrating I know. Guys like to fix things, and when it's not possible, a feeling of failure comes creeps up. It takes a humility to open up and makes a guy feel vulnerable, sometimes stupid. Try not to take the silence as a rejection or personal. Eventually he'll open up, just be available when he does. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:19:22 PM |
Why does a man isolate when he comes under alot of pressure. Or do they all do this. For me, i like to talk about the problems and try to work them out. I like some feed back...but men...become silent. Why do they do this.
Mainly because women only have a superficial interest in listening. If a woman I was dating really wanted to listen to some problem I had and offer constructive input, I'd be elated. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:42:02 PM | We want to reach a solution that's our idea, not someone else's.
That's why the shooting range, a stint in the garage or a night out with the fellas allows our subconscious to sort it out. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:16:08 PM | Well I can say that I have tried to talk to women about problems but it leads to HORROR.
If I need to talk about, I talk to other men! Women are inherently impossible. They NEVER accept solutions, if it has anything to do with them its hell, they judge us because we do have feelings and think we are weak or insecure, they think we bottle up our emotions but we do not, we resolve them.
Further more it is the attitude that men are from mars and women are from venus, that helps the effecting theory of being "hard wired differantly" This is not true, it is that women want to be differant and deny it. Just stop messing around and accept an improvement in your life, take control and dont be so emotional about your feelings. You can feel without making a big deal out of it!
Women just need to grow up a little more, they are convinced, because they mature faster physicaly, that they are more mature mentaly, and thus putting the brakes on their progress and mental development. I think its in the DICTIONARY under ignorance. However, NOT ALL women are the same, I have known some wonderfull women who like to solve problems and get thru them quickly and efficiently. Proving its not a mars venus thing!
Women, by my observation, can't even talk to each other about feelings and problems without the accumulation causing a major disaster sooner or later. Having been surrounded by women all my life, I have learned to be as stable as humanly possible with my own emotions so as not to cause any issues with women. And I have heard rumors that men bottle up due to culture and old school mentality, but the plain truth is we learn to keep our mouths shut and get away while we have problems that we need to resolve. We don't have time for emotional out bursts. We have work to do!
I just hope the posts of my fellow men in this thread are actualy understood by women and ultimately creat a new understanding and problem resolution system for women without emotional out bursts. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 12:46:16 AM | Men that explain their problems or try to discuss issues they're having are seen as whiners and complainers. My Dad's generation was raised to keep it locked up. My Generation is raised the same way. It's a social thing. Nobody likes a whiner. You gotta be tougher and ballsier than the next guy.
Honestly there's plenty of men that'll voice their issues, but women don't find them appealing enough to spend any serious time with though. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 1:39:51 AM | I've done that at times, but the reason is that continuing to converse about the problem isn't going to make it better. If you're going to talk out a problem, talk about a solution instead. If there's no solution to be talked about, then there's no use talking yet.
My last relationship had this problem. We'd have a problem, and she'd continue reiterating the problem, apparently just to keep herself worked up. Eventually, with the solution clear, it just wasn't worth continuing to 'converse', thus isolation was the most convenient thing to do. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:22:19 AM | Why does a man isolate when he comes under alot of pressure. Or do they all do this. For me, i like to talk about the problems and try to work them out. I like some feed back...but men...become silent. Why do they do this.
It depends on the problem. If I need help solving something I won't hesitate to ask. If I'm just over-stressed I find that a day or so of alone time is quite soothing and refreshing. Having someone worrying over me or trying to make me feel better could easily turn into one more source of stress at a time where I know that having some alone time will definitely do the trick. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 6:30:41 AM | | Because most women do NOT like to help the guys work out thier problems. They may want to talk about them but they still abandon the guys when it comes to actually delivering workable soloutions. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 6:47:29 AM | i don't think it's a gender thing
from my experience i've seen both women and men handle stress differently - depending on them as individuals, not what sex they are...
personally, i tend to isolate so i can focus and figure out what i can do/am going to do/how to cope with things, on my own... if i do share something i've found stressful, it's usually *after* the event, when it's been resolved, at least in my mind...sometimes part of the handling of it is by writing it down in my diary or blogs - but that's more to do with working it out than wanting companionship in it...
maybe it's more to do with life experience - how independent we've been/had to be and how much we've dealt with stress on our own in the past | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:34:36 AM | Wow,,,this thread is going well... Great answers guys. Very helpful.
Actually he and I have absolutely excellent communication skills. That is not a problem. Hes is the best communicater Ive ever known. Its just he will dissapear at times. Or he will only text me. Thats o.k.
Sometimes when he comes back from his "cave"...he will share some of whatever he was going thru....or if it was to do with me...he will talk it out with me ...but only after the cave.LOL
I learned that when he is "in his man cave"...leave him alone. (Mars/Venus) He always comes out eventually. He seems to feel alot happier after that experience.
I wish I knew about all this stuff when I was married. things would have went alot smoother. I used to follow my husband into his cave. Big mistake. But at the time..didnt understand all this.. Yep...the dragon bit me in there.
READ THE BOOK. Men are from Mars...Women are from Venus. Good material. Helps us to all get along better.
Thanks guys...good job..
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:39:10 AM | SLINGDAD says in message #32
We want to reach a solution that's our idea, not someone else's.
That makes alot of sense.. Yes..I believe men are that way...they want to "conquer" the problem. Men are just made that way and its good that they are. thats what makes them different from women.
Excellent answer!
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:40:16 AM | Women use every single little neuron to solve problems. You take absolutely ever possible scenario under the sun, connect them in every single possible permutation, AND you want to discuss them ALL!!!! My head would explode if I did this.
I go to my cave and focus one one thing only and find a solution (or not). Simple really. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 8:00:19 AM | Yep us men sure are different, we see outward emotion as a weakness,dont ever wanna let you see me sobbing like a baby,you probably dont want to see it either.
Let us go to our special place,and return later with our macho bravado intact pfffft. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 8:47:06 AM | | The first male poster here (glock22shooter) just about hit that nail on the head. It's a fundamental difference between how women and men think. From experience (generally speaking) when a woman has a problem, she wants a shoulder (before looking for a solution); when a man has a problem, he wants a solution to get past it---he'll get over his emotional problem with the situation once it's solved. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:53:48 AM | Personally I don't think this is a cut and dry answer to this, and involves more complicated answer. I believe both men and women do this. I partially agree that it is a hard wired thing. Stress itself is a physical response to environmental pressures. It is your body reaction to the fight or flight syndrome (read "Why don't zebras get ulcers"). All mammals have this response and in nature it works well for avoiding predators, etc. But as humans we are the only mammals which can create this reaction over non life threatening conditions such as work, relationships, traffic, deadlines, etc. Part of a natural instinct to stress is to see seclusion because it creates a feeling of safety. Stress also causes defensiveness. So someone being snappy at you, is actually just a safety mechanism. Though we are humans and we have the ability to overcome our instincts. While it isn't natural to first want to discuss things, it is good to because it helps calm stress, and bring people back to feeling safe and comfortable and less defensive. Now do men do this more often than women, perhaps. Most males in nature are solitary to begin with. If a male in nature feels threatened or that his environment is detrimental, he usually leaves it, or fights another male for control. If put in an environment where he has no control and the environment is still harsh, it leads to depression and stress, and hence isolation. Picture a monkey in a zoo, sitting alone in the corner, not quite king kong. That is many men in their jobs, social situations, etc. We are social animals, and most males in those animals want to be alpha, but if they can't, they find their place in the hierarchy. The lower they feel they are on that totem pole, the more mental stress it is for them.
To top it off, our society tells men to suck it up, buck up champ, and don't be a sissy. They are taught from kids that when the going gets rough, deal with it. So perhaps many men don't want to show their weakness, when stressed or when under pressure. They seek isolation to try to deal with it themselves before presenting themselves to others. Because while many people may say, it's ok to be weak, often when men show that, they lose respect of others and sometimes of themselves. They think they should have a handle on their emotions, and when they don't, they can be hard on themselves because they feel they are betraying that societal stigma, and don't feel like a man. Often times they can't talk to their buddies about things, because of those male expectations. Yet they feel in talking to a woman, that they are being misunderstood or they don't get what it's like being a man. Which works back the same way when this stuff happens to a woman.
What's the solution? Having a very open minded partner who can listen and try to see things from not just from the perspective of that one incident, but from the big picture of everything explained above. Watch in giving advice of what YOU feel you would do in those situations or under those emotional feelings and try to think what is best for that person. To know this is to know the person you are with, from how they were brought up, to past relationships, political views, religious, etc know the person you are with.
Unfortunately, most of us see an issue, and quickly place a simple reaction to it. We do this all the time to our partners. Why did they make that face.. it must mean this. Why did they use that tone, it must mean this. Communication is a good thing to have, yet it isn't always the easiest. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:56:58 AM | To anyone recommending Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus
Ok, so here is my rant about people who like to find self help books then take them as gospel. First off, this book is old. I was written during the 80s and published in the early 90s. It focuses entirely on the differences between men and women. While I do acknowledge that men and women are different, but it much more dynamic than simply trying to categorize all men and women into separate entities. There are a lot of factors that come into how anyone, either man or woman, sees themselves, handles situations, handles emotions, interacts with others, etc. I agree that communication is important, but also knowing who the other person is as well. What I mean by this is that we are a balance between what natural personalities we have based on traits that are inherited, as well as how we were raised, the types of social interactions we have had, past relationships, cultural and religious influences, etc. I like to try to figure out why someone acts or reacts the way they do, and how they came to be the person they are today.
For someone to act a certain way, that upsets or frustrates their partner, and then to try to solve it by saying, “I am a man, this his how men handle this,” or “I am a woman and women react this way,” it really leaves things up in the air. I don’t think men are cavemen and hide away from emotion and must be left alone until they need to come out of their cave. Also I don’t think women are so emotional that they can’t control their actions.
I think it is better to know your partner, understand how they were raised, what kind of friends they had growing up, were they a shy kid, popular, what political views do they have, religious views, how they see themselves, how much education do they have, how much do they know about the world around them and people, etc? It is through discovering your partner and who they are; this is where your real answers lie.
People are dynamic and society is changing. Some places still have gender roles and see that as the norm, others there are very few roles, if any, that are seen as pertaining to one sex. I personally feel that men and women are capable of doing virtually everything that each other does and you can find examples of it mostly anywhere. While each sex may have their own way of doing those particular tasks, they are both capable of doing them. For instance, some men believe that women are naturally suited to take care of the kids and change them and clean up after them etc. Men are capable of changing diapers and taking care of the kids, sure we might do it different and maybe have a more “masculine” approach to it, but the job gets done, their butts are clean, their faces washed, and put to bed with a story.
There are all types of men and women out there. There are tough women, who are independent and self reliant. While they may experience hormonal changes that men don’t, they don’t see that as a flaw or an excuse or a weakness, they persevere and achieve regardless and take responsibility for their actions and own up to mistakes. Yet, they remain feminine. If anything, these women achieve this standing, that is inherently less difficult for a man who doesn’t have to deal with physiological fluctuations, and therefore I feel deserve more respect. Also, there are men who while are manly, are not the best at handling their emotions, they pout, and fuss, need someone to take care of them and do things for them, and are not independent and self reliant. There are also many other combinations of patience, humor, confidence, intelligence, beliefs, social norms etc etc. So I don’t think that it is wise to try to place men and women so far apart because I think there is a lot of overlap.
In discovering who your partner is, you can answer many of the questions of why they do or act the way they do, and thus intelligently approach arguments and differences based on who they are and why they came to think or act this way. I also think it is a necessary part of dating and that many people rush through this in trying to discover if someone is really right for you. But that can be another forum post about “what is love – baby don’t hurt me.” | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:07:47 AM | | there are two reasons why i do this, and i know i do. First of all, im generally the person people come to for advice for there different problems or a ear to vent to, that being said, i find it strange going to other people for advice. Second reason is the one i think most men have, generally, we are try to fix what problems we have, generally we want to do this on our own so that we dont make our problems a burden for anyone else, so we isolate ourselve s trying to determin our own solution to the problem. that or we alianate our selves in our own escape in hopes that the problem will pass (or at least thats how it is for me). | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:13:12 AM | Why do we isolate period?
Or why do we isolate from women?
The first happens because it's in our nature.
The second happens because women systematically punish men for showing emotion and weakness. Many women will try to deny this, but it's just not so, most women will never look you at the same way again if you are weak in front of them. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:22:10 AM | It may be learned, by examples shown, why men prefer to work their problems out alone and in solitude. Maybe their problems are different, and it developed this way due to requiring solutions that are different too.
I always like to explain our, humans', mental make-up with holding the basic assumption that our brains and responses have been shaped as a race of coursing hunters-gatherers on the African savannah. It has never failed me yet in finding the solution to a psych/ sociology problem, but then again fundamentalist Christians claim the same clarity of knowledge through learning from the Bible. Mind you, the Bible was written by men and women, who are an image of God... and Jesus was our ultimate shepherd... again, God was probably a hunter-gatherer early in His life.
Anyway, I digress. Men's problem is to catch a gazelle. You cannot do it with talking it to death. It will run away way before that. So you sneak up on it, you are quiet, you cannot have the luxury of talking it over with your men how to do it when you're up close to the beast. So you had created game plans, with diagrams similar to football plays. (The original game plan was designed to hunt a game, not win a game. Same difference, really.)
Whereas the women were bunching up looking for mushrooms and wounded carrots; they had the joy of kwetching, their drone actually drove the wildlife away more than it attracted it. If a wildlife came too close that they did not want, like a lion or a hyena or a sex-deprived gorilla, then the women made even more noise, presumably, which may have been helpful in driving the dangerous wildlife away, presumably. They also let out that peculiar yell or cry that we call "a chilling, shrill scream", to alert those in the group who had their backs to the prancing, strutting gorilla.
So voice, noise, and exchange of thoughts when the going becomes critical, is the women's friend. Silence, working problems out in solitude, is a man's conditioned way of finding win-win solutions. (Win-win: The tribe will have gazelle meat, and the gazelle's family can save a bundle on annually renewing the rental, and on funeral plot upkeep.) | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:28:39 AM | I came up with another one. Men's problems, in the sense of the distant past, required visual solutions. The group had to make a game-plan for the gazelle, which involved the location of the gazelle, the terrain, and the placing of the men. Then they had to find their way home again. All visual problems -- I cannot see any way how it could have been aided by talking about it. The only talk could have been to tell someone else who did not have the ability to see the solution, but the leaders had to find the solutions by themselves, because their problems were purely spacial problems.
Women, those attending the children while scoutig the undergrowth for food, had to develop a wider vocabulary and an efficient way of communitcating about plants and how to prepare them for the meal. Two species of mushrooms may have looked deceptively similar, except one was a killer, the other, nutritious. The women had to figure out a way to pass on reliable descriptions of these. Words, words, words. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:43:02 AM |
Why does a man isolate when he comes under alot of pressure. Or do they all do this. For me, i like to talk about the problems and try to work them out. I like some feed back...but men...become silent. Why do they do this.
Just because you do it doesnt make it the norm for all. If I have a bad day and work and I look stressed I dont want the first thing when I get home to be,"how did your day go?".
Everyone is different. Some people need to relax a bit and some just want to deal with the problem themselves and dont want to burden others about it. I just need a little bit of space and I'll be fine. | |
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