| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:45:20 AM | | I'm no expert or scientist but I think its just how men and women are raised from childhood. in our society. Boys are told at an early age that they have to learn how to stand up for themselves and stand on their own two feet, as for girls they are raised differently and I'm not saying girls are not told that they have to stand up for themselves and learn to deal with problems, but at any early age parents a quicker to jump in and solve a problem for their daughter than they would for their son and as the girl becomes a women she finds it easier to express that she has a problem because someone will step give her advice good or bad. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 11:00:38 AM |
Just because you do it doesnt make it the norm for all. Exactly what he said. I do know of some guys who are talkers. In all those cases, including for myself, it's a case of just being our methodology for getting to a solution. I talk myself through my various options to get from point A to point B while I'm driving. BTW, that one drives my boyfriend nuts when he's doing the driving because he only wants the end result of my navigation, so I have to sit quietly for a minute and think through my options in my head and only blurt out no more than something like "Take a left at the next stop light." I talk myself through troubleshooting networks, I talk myself through my budget, etc. and so on. Sometimes, if there's no one to talk to, I sit down and write it out in a journal as another way of accomplishing the same thing. Ultimately, it's not so I can whine or be confused. It's just how I go about solving problems. If I really need a solution, I'll ask it in the following manner, "What would you do if....'
Of course, this doesn't really answer the OP's question. I have met men that talk themselves to resolutions to though. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 11:04:36 AM |
When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Simple answer … we just want to think “logically” without all the useless talking & emotion that women want to engage in.
It depends on the problem. If I need help solving something I won't hesitate to ask. If I'm just over-stressed I find that a day or so of alone time is quite soothing and refreshing. Having someone worrying over me or trying to make me feel better could easily turn into one more source of stress at a time where I know that having some alone time will definitely do the trick. ?
Yep we are just needing some alone time, putter around the garage, clean out the tool shed, just sit and play a video game, it’s all the same, we are using our subconscious to work thru whatever it is we are thinking about, while engaging the conscious mind with something trivial.
I wish I knew about all this stuff when I was married. things would have went alot smoother. I used to follow my husband into his cave. Big mistake. But at the time..didn’t understand all this.. Yep...the dragon bit me in there.
Never understood that, it seems women can sense we have something bothering us, but are unable to sense our need to be left alone while we work it out.
So they follow us into our cave and begin poking the Dragon, determined in their all knowing wisdom that whatever it is, if they can just get us to talk about it things will be better, not realizing they are making things worse and by far the best thing they could do is to just leave us alone.
So now like a trapped animal pushed too far we eventually lash out, the Dragon bites them in the ass for their troubles, and they are now feeling hurt and misunderstood because after all they were just trying to help. The end result being that the Dragon now has a new problem, a pissed off mate.
So now the circle has both completed, and began once again.
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 1:11:57 PM |
Why does a man isolate when he comes under alot of pressure.
I do that, and actually talking about it doesnt help at all.
I've got my own ways of dealing with my own stress.
Perhaps its a childhood thing, I always had to deal with stuff myself. My parents were no help at all. They could never say the right things. More critical than helpful. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 1:52:46 PM | | Because thats what we do is the obvious answer. Thats the way our fathers were, and our grandfathers, and so on. Men have always handled their emotions internally while women handle them externally. This isn't some new breaking development in evolution or anything. It is starting to change somewhat but men will always be men. Asking this question is like asking why a man has a penis, they just do it's that simple. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 2:12:00 PM | | When I get stressed, my mood swings change. I like to avoid being seen as a weird moody jerk in front of other people when I am upset, so I stay quiet or just stay home to calm down. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 2:19:20 PM | | Generalities are always dangerous. But it's at least feasible to suggest that some men don't share their problems because they feel that their problems are just that: theirs. Our culture, and many others, teach men that the cornerstone of manliness is independence and self-sufficiency. Some of us even take the philosophical position that problems, pain, obstacles, and the like are important and necessary in so far as they push us to transcend and overcome our previous weaknesses. For a person who holds this belief, to ask anyone else for help is, to some degree, a shirking of one's duty to himself. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 3:35:55 PM | Musicianfriend have you not heard of the infamous book "MEN ARE FROM MARS...WOMEN FROM VENUS" by John Gray from the mid-90s?
They were on the best sellers list for years.
Look the series up -- It will provide you with the explanation on the theory of how men seek the solace of hybernation inside an emotional cave while women usually attempt to voice their concerns out in the open. It would help you better comprehend this situation. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:06:47 PM | glock22,
I have to say you're absolutely right; that many women would rather vent for its own sake than find an answer to their issue. May I comment on that?
I'm one who wants to hear myself think out loud about something that has upset me, so the first reaction I have is to seek empathy. This doesn't make me wrong, or that I just want a pity-party boo-hoo poor-little-me session. Women are wired differently for the most part; I for one need to feel that there are people I can debrief with. Once I've gotten the emotions out of the way, I'm ready to consider something practical about my difficulty.
It's just that many guys tend to assume that if a woman wants to talk about her feelings, it will never stop, and so the walls go up. In response, the woman becomes more distraught, thinking he doesn't care about her at all, so the original problem is now more complicated.
If a lady in your life starts saying stuff like "Oh, I'll never get all this done", or "I feel like life is such a hassle" .. these may sound drastic and over-the-top hysterically exaggerated .. etc .. but it's just the momentary experience of stress as the woman processes it.
If you are willing to offer her a specific amount of time to blow off steam, and provide kleenex (or a shirt you don't care about ~ be wearing it), she'll be far more grateful for that than for any words of advice or solutions.
See: the answers are probably not that hard to figure out on our own, but some of us can't start the motor until the fan has stopped.
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Sometimes a woman asks specific questions such as "do you think this ____ would work, or should I try that?"
.. or
"my boss yelled at me over something that wasn't my fault. I'm really angry and I hope you will let me rant for few minutes. You don't have to say anything, ok? Afterwards if I can't think of how to handle it next time, maybe you can suggest something."
In those cases, you don't really have to DO anything or FIX her, because she's pretty much got it together.
However, even the most 'together' woman can still be highly emotional and need a hug. It's just so she doesn't feel alone and dismissed for having feelings.
It's the constant drama-junkie tragedies you ought to avoid trying to correct or assist, because you WILL NOT WIN .. run, Forrest, run!
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TIP: if she feels safe and free to express those frustrations without worrying you will try to immediately offer your solution, it will translate into warmer affections in other areas .. it's hard to feel sexy toward a man who avoids opportunities to simply be a comfort when he knows it's not going to end up in bed. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:13:22 PM | | In my experience women don't want a man who talks about his problems. They want someone who's always stable and never gets stressed. When we can't do that the only option we have is to isolate ourselves. Sad but true. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/16/2008 6:45:12 PM | Classy TMI, yours was the most educational post for me, but I'm not convinced that a completely silent man is good for a momentarily wretched woman. Sure, the occasional nod or wide-eyes or shut-eyes with pursed lips and nods is talking too, but if she's not facing you, I don't think she'd appreciate a completely silent audience.
<div class="quote"> provide kleenex (or a shirt you don't care about
A good man wears not only his heart on his sleeve, but his lover's snut as well.
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To the general to pic: I have always approached life that I must work out problems inside myself. I have three certified instances in my life, when great insights occurred to me, and which helped solve the problem very easily, and which occurred at times when I was talking to a group (first instance) and within a group (other two instances). The first one was in grade nine, figuring out a physics question that was beyond the level of the class or the year, and I had the opportunity to do that at the blackboard, talking to the class and the teacher. That's the norm in Hungary where I grew up; evaluation of students is mainly done on how well they regurgitate the previous day's lesson and the material in the text.
On one of the other two times the wisdom generated was completely in the humanities, in anthropological / biological psychology. When the group interaction helped me speed ahead in the formation of the theory, it surprized me very much. That effect was unexpected and joyful.
In the third instance, it was in theoretical physics (big words), a simple yet very elegant solution I thought it was. I did it here on these forums, but the situation did not provide me with the acknowledgement of my peers, like in the first two times. But it was satisfying nevertheless. I found that on the boards you need to be heard repeatedly to get noticed. Unless you're a looker. Male or female, doesn't matter.
So talking out the problems is a female tactic, but it can and does work for men as well. I wonder how many women tried by force of circumstances work out problems inwardly. Like being stuck in a snow jam without a cell phone, and she figures out the perfect plan how to celebrate Harry's retirement. Or Helen Keller, for another instance. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:30:08 PM | I think men have been taught this, to avoid conflict with women, because too often conflict can get physical, and that will just land a guy in jail.
From having grown up with three sisters, I know I just avoided them when we were fighting. Plus women get mean and grab knives.
But I don't think all men isolate from pressure, just a way to avoid a fight. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:53:13 PM | In my opinion, we like to go into "our man cave's" either literally or hypothetically. Get comfortable, and try to solve our problems with a clear, stressless mind. Away from everyone, so no one see's us trying to solve said problems or said issues. I say this because most people in our lives think we should have all the answer right away. But in reality, like most, we always don't know the answers and showing that is a sign of weakness to many. Ladies, just think of it as a mysterious, romantic little enigma alot of men have. When we leave our caves, welcome us back and don't be upset.  | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:32:36 PM | I actually read some interesting stuff about this recently. There is some scientific evidence to show that women have an abundance of certain neural connectors between the left and right lobes of the brain. More than men. This abundance of wiring between the left and right half of the brain is what facilitates verbal skills. For this reason, young girls statistically start talking WAAAYYY before young boys do on average. Your brains are literally wired better for it. The left half of the brain is the analytical side that keeps track of things like lists of words, how they are spelled, how they are pronounced, etc. The right half of the brain is the side that thinks in terms of word-less concepts and ideas. Right brained thinkers often need to draw or see pictures to understand concepts, as opposed to left brainers that need to see lists, etc.. In any case, since women have this extra wiring between the left and right, they are able to convert their conceptual right brain ideas into spoken language with lightening speed...in fact one might even go so far as to say that the words come out faster than the concepts are being thought. To the point that women often using "talking" as part of the very mental thought process to reason through problems. When women share with each other stuff they are "sharing", they are helping each other to talk it out, and reach their ultimate solution to whatever problem they are facing. The talking is part of their normal solution-making process. Trying to assume any kind of conclusion halfway through that process is futile at best.
Men on the other hand, while missing that extra wiring generally, by age 5 supposedly the right lobe of our brains, the lobe having to do with wordless conceptualization, our right lobe is actually larger than the left lobe and fully developed this way by age 5. So we tend to park ourselves in the right side of the brain to figure things out as concepts without words. only when things are good and worked out and we have carefully considered what it is we want to do or say, then we will finally coordinate with the left brain to actually say it. Part of the reason for this is because the wiring between the left and right is not that great...but also our right brain is actually quite GOOD. So trying to talk only slows down our right brain from sorting things out more effectively.
When you hear about men going into their cave, etc..don't take it personally, we're not trying to shut you or anyone out. Our brains are actually wired differently and we're just trying to solve problems the same way you are by talking it out. If you try to force us into talk it out mode, our right brain will probably just shut down while we try to keep up with the talking. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/18/2008 9:28:36 PM | You mentioned your father and your grandfather.....
Maybe this will help......
In this day and age...some of us were never around alot of men alot while growing up...ya know...divorce...no daddies... Mine was a good one but lived 2000 miles away.
So.....really never got to see how men were while I was growing up.
This is a problem these days. Like them...but have a hard time understanding them..
Getting better at it through my "man studies" I have been doing since my divorce. I read alot of stuff trying to learn how they are so my next marriage will be successful. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/18/2008 9:33:56 PM | Yes...rara avis77..message #
that is true.. When the men get 'weak.'..makes us feel weird. Its ok if they are 'weak 'from time to time...but not every "week." (lol) Their strength is very important. We depend on their strength. Im sure that puts alot of pressure on them.
But when they show strenth...its so sexy!!! | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:34:40 PM | You all have had some awesome answers to my question. It is a question many women want to know the answer too. Yes...I know there are books...but maybe thats only one mans opinion. Here...we get to hear many mens opinions. Its been great..
I love the one guy that said...they dont want to confide in the girlfriend cause if they do and she gets mad....then instead of having one problem...they now have two. I was LMAO.
OH BY THE WAY....WHAT DO YOU CHARGE IF WE WANT TO RENT YOU....."Rent a Husband".. I cracked up when I saw that.. Actually my friends and I all saw that when we were all on here doing what we call "man surfing" We have fun just looking at the profiles. LOL Such fun! | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:39:21 PM | Msg #67 Born to Ski:
Excellent answer. Makes alot of sense. Awesome stuff.
One thing that seems to come up from the guys alot is that while they are processing what they are going thru.....when they are talking....then the thinking part goes on hold till they are not talking again.. That seems to be pretty much what men seem to be like. Good stuff. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 75 | |
| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:43:23 PM | I think men have been taught this, to avoid conflict with women
I dont think its a taught behavior at all.
Its a personal behavior...I would generally attribute it to males...but its certainly not typical by any means.
However I think mens stress levels, medical conditions & suicide rates are currently considered reflective of that type of behavior. ie internalising.
My son showed signs of this kinda crap.
First thing I did when I noticed was pull him aside and explain to him it was inappropriate because...
... what he was doing was internalising everything and fluctuating between being silent and volatile and aggressive towards the people around him who had absolutely nothing to do with it.
ie. he was making himself miserable...and everybody else too.
Once I pointed it out and he realised what he was doing ...and keep in mind that the kid is still only 11 years old even now...he stopped.
Any time there's an issue...he simply comes and talks to me about it.
I dont try to solve it, I dont make a huge issue of it, we dont argue about it...he figures it out on his own but it does de-stress him simply by verbalising it.
Makes for a happy child...and hopefully a happy & communicative grown man.
There's really no reason to be functioning at the emotional level of a child.
So if a kid can figure it out...I cannot see why a grown adult cant do it.
If you dont learn to vent in a healthy capacity...you either go postal on everyone else or end up killing yourself << worst case scenarios obviously...
...but at the very least...you isolate anyone who loves and you end up alone...through your own behavior. | |
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