| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/19/2008 11:20:50 PM | | Not only do men sorta have to put the brain on hold while they talk, but how many times have you seen a man freeze up when you try to talk to him about something like a deer caught in the headlights? | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 9:26:16 AM | | For the sake of men, I do want to point out that there is a positive side to this "isolation". With the larger right lobe (which is the creative side) and ability to park there and think about things, men do possess a powerful ability to come up with creative solutions to problems. It just takes more effort for a man to turn those thoughts into actual communication. We also have a harder time READING non-verbal communication. Women in general are much more adept at this, though its not clear to me right now what that has to do with right and left brains, but that is what I have read and in my experience I have found that to be true. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 9:42:56 AM | When I'm stressed about something, if its a problem that requires a solution, venting will in fact add to my stress. Why would I want to talk about it, unless its to fix it? If I'm talking to someone, and all they are doing is making sympatheic noises, well thats not what I'm looking for when talking to someone. If it comes to the point that I can't figure it out, and I need help. Then give me some ideas, not sympathy.
I understand that women like to empathize, and when conversing with a woman, I know this is what she wants. Although I still don't get it, I guess I don't have to "get" it, just go with it. On occassion I will ask outright, if they are wanting help with a solution, or are just looking to vent. It helps to know before hand, that way I can put my mind into the right gear. Although that still doesn't always work, I been bit in the butt, because on occassion I've been told they are looking for solutions, and get pissed when they are offered. Oh the joys of human interaction!  | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 10:06:16 AM | So my theory to this, which goes along with the other stuff I said already, is that when women want to talk about an issue, it really means they may not have a solution yet and still want to solve the problem and they want someone to talk with to go through the process of solving the problem. That doesn't mean they want someone to GIVE them the solution, it just means they want to talk it out and come to their own solution. But they need someone to talk it out with.
Guys on the other hand, when we say we want to talk about something, it pretty much means we have already thought a lot about something and we want to discuss an already thought out solution. Trying to talk it out while still working out the solution doesn't compute to a guy.
This is the fundamental communication conflict between men and women. When guys talk, they already have their solution(generally). When women talk, they are working on it. When a woman is silent it probably means she is unhappy with you, when a man is silent it simply means he is pondering some problem and working out a solution(which could take anywhere from a few seconds to a few months).
When a man is expected by a woman to talk, it is not natural for him to think of that as a way to come up with a solution in the process of talking. it is more natural for him to think of a solution and then speak it when he's done thinking of it. This is why when a woman wants to talk to a man and he gives solutions(the natural thing for him to do), the woman will be upset. She doesn't want solutions, she just wants you to share in the experience of verbally working out the solution. Men are not well equipped for doing this. So the only real thing a man can do in that situation is listen. Listen, nod, say "yes", "hmm", "I see what you mean", etc.. This will seem absolutely silly to a guy, but its the kind of support that a woman needs to verbally work out a solution to her problem. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 11:22:06 AM | are you kidding me?
Why do women do it? Is it because ALL women ALWAYS take the path of least resistance, due to their inherent weakness?
******Please tell me that this came out wrtong or I am misunderstanding you? and
No. I don't. Bottling stuff in has always been and always will be a woman thing.
a woman thing? ******really?
*******John Gray 'Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars'........baby, read it. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 11:22:25 AM | are you kidding me?
Why do women do it? Is it because ALL women ALWAYS take the path of least resistance, due to their inherent weakness?
******Please tell me that this came out wrtong or I am misunderstanding you? and
No. I don't. Bottling stuff in has always been and always will be a woman thing.
a woman thing? ******really?
*******John Gray 'Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars'........baby, read it. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 12:50:37 PM | but further to what I was saying earlier about men learning to just sit and listen while women work out their solutions, there is a challenge for women too. Men and women should BOTH work to come together to middle ground for truly symbiotic communication. So what can women do, given some of the things I said earlier to come towards the middle with regards to male/female communication?
a couple things come to mind:
First, don't presume that when a man is silent he is angry, upset or ignoring you for any reason at all. Realize that he is working to solve the problem. Give him some space to do it.
Second, when a man offers solutions, realize that he is not trying to boss you around or tell you what to do, its just that he has already thought about it and has a pretty good solution you might want to consider.
What it really comes down to is this. Men need space to think and women need someone to listen to them. Men communicate final solutions, women communicate the process of getting to a solution. If men and women will both just give each other the support and room to do those things, even if it seems counter productive from our own perspective, then you can reach some great common ground. It takes a leap of faith. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:08:07 PM | Another thing a psychologist told me onetime. Because of a lot of what I have been talking about already on this thread, when a guy is talking to somebody, he will often look away, look down to the ground, etc.. Women can sometimes perceive this as lack of interest in the conversation. But actually, that is a sign that the man is going into is right brain to contemplate the issue. If he just sits there looking into your eyes the whole time and doing heavy non-verbal communication, then actually he is not thinking much about what you are saying, he's just thinking about how gorgeous your eyes are probably. So ladies, if a man looks away from you while you're talking to him, its a pretty good sign that he is trying to mentally process what you're saying. Its a good thing! Not a bad thing.
Women on the other hand, need to make eye contact in order to fully engage and feel like they are fully engaged in the communication process. So guys, if you're trying to make sure she feels listened to, then look her in the eye. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:10:09 PM | | hi yep bin there bin there bin there god its bloody sucks my ex was so lets hide under a rock for a few weeks then get in touch yep think they all do that us women well we get knocked down we get up dust ourselves down and go on so yep know how it feels and it boild me something rotten xxclaire | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:15:56 PM | | ps thats not a dig at all guys sorry but just the odd few that pass by but believe me it is good to talk and not clam up us women dont understand you otherwise we take it as rejection xxxxx | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:17:47 PM | | hi its not a case of not leaving you alone its a case of what has happened and why what have we done wrong its really hard to understand no matter what we percieve it as rejection x | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:20:58 PM | We don't bottle things up, we work things out.
You women should try it sometime. Exercise your logical side for a change.
So many of the problems I've seen women get into, is because they went with their feelings instead of the practical solutions a man would have come up with.
Just shut up and think about it a while.
Feelings are not superior to intellect. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:21:46 PM | hi its not a case of not leaving you alone its a case of what has happened and why what have we done wrong its really hard to understand no matter what we percieve it as rejection
Wow...a guy goes quiet and you think its about you?
...that you've done something wrong?
Weird.
So many of the problems I've seen women get into, is because they went with their feelings instead of the practical solutions a man would have come up with.
Just shut up and think about it a while.
Feelings are not superior to intellect
And Nipoleon...just for interests sakes...thought Id mention this...women are capable of using BOTH sides of their brains at once...we filter information through both hemispheres.
Just because YOU *think* its not logical...doesnt make it so.
Maybe instead of telling someone to shut up and think about it...you should practice skills in multi-tasking and being able to function on more than one side of your brain.
After all...you CAN teach yourself to do it.
Even if a man's too useless to figure that out logically. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 1:30:21 PM | My friend has been in his "man cave" for 5 days now. I have sent texts of encouragement as he is in a very hard time in his life right now. He knows me...he can call and we dont have to even talk about what happened. Ever..I dont like to fight and will do anything to not do so. Only if I have to debate will I.
Why cant he just text me and tell me hes o.k. Well talk later. Would it really hurt his manhood to do this knowing that I am going crazy over here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does it have anything to do with a "powertrip" or male dominance? | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:33:44 PM | | No I don't think it has anything to do with power trip or dominance. If he is going through something and trying to sort it out, then just find something else to do with your mind and let him sort it out. He will be fine. Its totally normal. Its not about you. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:38:40 PM | Regarding the feelings versus logic argument. This is another often misunderstood concept. A lot of it is clouded by incorrect use of words. it has nothing to do with left brain versus right.
One difference between men and women is that women definitely seem to rely a lot on their feelings to make decisions, while men tend to try to use their mind. Feelings are instinctual. Feelings are based on complex neurological things that happen, including chemistry. There is no logical thinking in feelings. feelings are about hunches and sometimes our hunches are right because we have evolved as human beings to have feelings that give us feedback to survive, though a large number of human hunches and instinctive feelings are based on survival skills we needed about 20,000 years ago when life was considerably different from what it is now.
Nonetheless, women do seem to be rolling around in their feelings a lot more than men seem to be. One theory about this is that long ago men had to evolve to keep their feelings suppressed in order to avoid fear and panic when hunting wild beats or fighting off invaders, etc.. So men relied more on their brain instead of instinctual feelings. Actually that isn't strictly true either because early men were extremely spiritual and learned to rely heavily on superstitions and beliefs in spirits to help them make decisions. A lot of that tied strongly to the right creative side of the brain. Men are the dreamers.
none of this is to say that there aren't men and women or every type out there. But in general, the stereotype that women think with their feelings and men rely more on reason definitely has some truth to it. One way is not necessarily better than the other. There are times when men could stand a little more "feelings" and there are times when women could stand a little more reason. That's why man+woman is a good combo, we are supposed to balance each other out. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:40:32 PM | | OP there have been studies on this. Not all but many men are prone to internalize and solve problems on their own. This doesn't mean there is anything at all wrong with them, they just have a different coping method which usually involves identifying the problem and working on changing the problem and that doesn't require either a cheering section or a bunch of pop-psyche observations from our friends. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:49:50 PM | People need to get out of their own perspective's way. Just because you do something doesn't make it right for someone else.
I like to contemplate about things and sometimes I need my own space and silence to get that done to the most effective and expedient level. Sometimes a bunch of talk is an actual distraction to what I need in order to formulate solutions to problems.
When I need a perspective or another point of view I have people to help me give that and I ask specifically for that advice. I then go back to contemplate and formulate the plan of attack from there. That is how I work. Others don't work the same way and I respect that.
The only thing I have problems with is people who "vent" about the same things over and over again and never solve the problem. I am both lucky and skilled at choosing people who don't operate in this fashion. Anything short of that I can respect and work with.
It maybe that the OP might have hit the roadblock of this being her unresolvable personality type. Who knows! | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:50:35 PM | | Right. I actually know from my end, that I would be actually kind of annoyed if someone was trying to send me notes of support while I was off working it out. Of course I realize that for women its completely the opposite. Women appreciate that kind of support even more than actual useful advise. So I can understand why a woman's first reaction would be to try to provide that kind of support. Knowing that, I can usually smile, accept the gesture for what it is and suppress my feeling of being annoyed. Why does it annoy me? I do not know. I guess because my natural instinct is that I am supposed to be able to solve this problem myself. If someone tries to send supportive stuff, then internally its like some kind of alarm telling me that someone else thinks I am not capable of solving the problem. I realize my internal alarms are not correct. Just saying, that's what goes through my own mind and feelings in that situation. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:07:07 PM | Men and women all have their unique ways of dealing with things.
It is all about finding out HOW they deal with it and providing the support they need even if it is going away. That is love in my mind. Doing something not for your own benefit but for theirs even if it means you don't understand why. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:18:32 PM | Being stressed means I have stuff to work out.
Leave me be so I can work it out.
If someone wants to help then it's okay, but many people trying to help are only trying to make me feel better.
That's like painting over a visible fracture in a support beam.
If the stress has something to do with a relationship with another person, then being alone is my time to reflect on a relationship that I'll either choose to stick out, or accept we are incompatible and cut my loses. A relationship that is causing stress is often pointless to carry on. There are way too many people in the world, each with their own personality types, to try and restructure my identity in order to force compatibility with just one of them. | |
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