| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:10:26 AM | It's misunderstood that men suppress their feelings.
Men don't suppress their feelings, men suppress their emotions.
Extremes of emotions are not the same as depth of feeling.
Too often women assume that because men don't show their emotions that means they don't have any feelings, which is absolutely not true.
Too often women assume that because they indulge their emotions that means they have deep feelings, and that isn't true either.
Some of the most hard-hearted women I know, are very emotional. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:42:42 AM | | If I am isolating myself because of stress, alot of times it is so I can control my anger. Alot of times though I can still function pretty normal even when I am stressed, so for the most part you probably won't even know if I have stress. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:01:24 AM | i think it's true for me, that i like to rave and rant in "community" while solving problems. i find it comforting. if the tendency for men is to isolate and solve problems quietly, my concern registers when they continue to isolate and still, the problem is not solved.
so take this to the next level. you are a man and still have no clue as to how to solve a particular problem. what do you do? continue to isolate? pretend you have no problem? kill the messenger when she comes bearing gifts? where do you get your input from? how do you step out of the box? | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:14:45 AM |
It's misunderstood that men suppress their feelings.
Men don't suppress their feelings, men suppress their emotions.
Extremes of emotions are not the same as depth of feeling.
Too often women assume that because men don't show their emotions that means they don't have any feelings, which is absolutely not true.
Too often women assume that because they indulge their emotions that means they have deep feelings, and that isn't true either.
Some of the most hard-hearted women I know, are very emotional.
+1 Very well said! | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:24:41 AM |
so take this to the next level. you are a man and still have no clue as to how to solve a particular problem. what do you do? continue to isolate? pretend you have no problem? kill the messenger when she comes bearing gifts? where do you get your input from? how do you step out of the box?
For me personally, I seek out the advice of people I feel who are competent in the area I am having problems solving. If that is a friend, a family member, a professional, my significant other (if I have one) it doesn't matter. The point is to get perspective and advice to solve the problem. The key here is competency not who is closest to me. Again I am logical not emotional. Some people will make those choices based on emotional decisions but not me. I may weigh the decision more based on how close the person is but just because someone is close doesn't mean they get tapped for this role.
I think what you are heading at is a person who makes no decision and gets short and angry as a result. That is no fun. That is why I try as much as possible (no one is perfect) to make a decision. If it is a good one or a bad one, a decision is better than no decision because no decision means 100% of the time the problem doesn't get solved and it can cause problems such as depression or other issues. I like to avoid those things. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:45:47 AM | wise answer unique man! women also ask for competence. in addition however, extroverted women tend to "think" out loud! that is why they may not be looking for answers from the men who offer them. they will get them from the most appropriate sources. they just want someone to "listen" to them to give support, kind of like a sounding board.
wanting support, does not mean that women are not capable of doing research and going "technically" to the right sources. but because men who offer immediate answers are not always appreciated due to their lack of expertise in certain areas, they immediately assume that the women close to them, as you put it, are not looking for answers--when in fact, they are just not looking for answers from them.
maybe it is necessary for the muli tasking brain as well. we tend to both execute and solve a variety of issues or situations at one time. having someone there to peg or connect an issue to, enables us to "ground" with that person or feel more empowered with someone backing us up, while our thoughts are roaming with respect to several entirely different issues. it is about support and not about answers. but the answers are still secured from others, as appropriate. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:57:23 AM | serenitycw
All of that sounds good to me.
As long as that is communicated and not assumed by either party then things will work out fine. I think assumptions that we should "know" what the other wants is where a lot of people go wrong. That can be the guy who offers his opinions or a woman who wants us to listen or vice versa.
I still feel, at least for me, that repeatedly talking about the same situation and not solving it along with just going into "quiet" mode for the same thing and not solving it is annoying. Yes we occasionally do it but sadly there are some out there where that is their default. From this guys perspective that is where "listening" becomes difficult because it sounds like whining and victim mentality and that gets OLD! | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:08:18 AM |
For me, i like to talk about the problems and try to work them out. I like some feed back...but men...become silent.
When I read things like that, I literally feel as if I'm living in some kind of alternate Universe of some type where everything is exactly the opposite of what everyone here on Earth is experiencing.
I'm a talker, and no subject is too deep - personal - taboo - inappropriate - or politically incorrect. If there's a problem with someone I'm involved, expect my lips to open... my tongue to move around... and words to come out. Because it will happen. I hate silence.
And yet, all the women I've known are virtually the polar opposite. They clam up, they can't communicate, they can't express themselves... it is absolutely, excruciatingly, obnoxiously, profoundly annoying to know that I'm being man enough to open up and share my feelings -- only to feel trivialized for the effort by a woman not having any interest in discussing anything.
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 10:22:25 AM | previous message: i think you might be describing the introvert-extrovert "opposites attract" connection. we extroverts process thoughts out loud. introverts usually come up with solutions "in their heads". i do agree, with the post before yours: as long as a solution is on the near horizon! otherwise there remains each person's choice: whining or sulking. even scarier is utter desparation or processed rage.
women have more "words" spewing forth from the brain wiring all else being equal. an introvert may be more inclined to write those words down than turn to oral communication. remember men were designed to focus/hunt. women to look all around them and jabber commands at vulnerable infants. neither lived too long back in those days to argue. it was all about procreation and just plain old survival!
now top all that with childhood experiences, degrees of intelligence and whether or not there is dysfunction and the summary is (after adjustments are made for all these added variables): Relationships take work! Work takes time!
wouldn't it be nice to luck out and find someone with whom it is not so difficult?!* but then they would not be "opposite"! maybe we should all settle for "complementary"? after all, men and women were initially designed to be complementary until the industrialized world started interfering.
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 10:39:50 AM | serenitycw,
stress causes me rage, and sometimes I look for something to break. Alot of my anger issue has been under control since I started losing weight and going to a gym. Usually by the end of the day I am to tired to even freaking care. I won't even argue no more, I just block alot of what is trying to cause the stress out and go on with my day. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/21/2008 10:55:48 AM | truckin01, you are addressing a foster/adopt mom of three post trauma teens. rage comes from many sources: parents who did drugs, abuse, ad/hd type frustration, et al. for some it is hereditary to have depression that accompanies the frustration when your brain cannot focus or absorb. for others, it is due to the post trauma. this is not the male-female issue, although both interact. most often, if there was alcoholism or abuse in childhood, you can find a means to deal with the "aftermath" in a program called "adult children of alcoholics" (many with other dysfunctional parental backgrounds are welcomed depending upon group consensus, so ask first if it is an open meeting).
my kids' birth dad was schizophrenic and a self-medicator and i also took them to these rooms to do aspects of their healing. and by the way, i am old enough to be your mom, so take this suggestion as "motherly" and if it does not apply to you, maybe it will to someone else. but, it is not the female-male issue that is inherent with rage. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:06:29 AM | Ok can you help me with this one please? I'm going through this right now. We had been dating for a year. It was wonderful, we talked about moving in together, getting married. It was the best relationship I have ever had. We were perfect. He told me I was 99.9% of everything he was looking for in a woman. We had great communication until then, I have no doubt that he loved me, and deeply. Then he got full custody of his 14 year old son because he was having trouble getting along with mom. Money started getting tight, he had to take on a few side jobs. He started to pick fights about stupid, nonexistant issues. Which left me completely confused. We broke up. He said, as we both were in tears. I love you but I just have some issues to work through and I can't do "this" right now. He told me I should "move on" I haven't talked to him in almost 2 weeks. He's in his cave. I feel blindfolded and have no choice but to take him for his words. He said to move on. Ok. I'm not ready to move on but I get that fact that we're broken up. I'm not going to date for a while, but I am meeting new people. He lives very close to me, and the majority of our friends are mutual. That's been tough.
This happened to a couple people I know and it was 30-ish days before he came out of his cave, apologizing and wanting to get back together. So far they both seem to be doing very well. Iiiiiiiiis this typical? | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:01:23 AM | | If you think its possible for him to come back out of his cave within a few weeks, then why the hell are you starting to date other people? Do you love him? If you love him, then give him some time and space, a few weeks waiting won't kill you. No I don't think this is typical and if he were to ever do it to you again in the future, then I would have completely different advice. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/22/2008 12:24:32 PM |
Why does a man isolate when he comes under alot of pressure. Or do they all do this. For me, i like to talk about the problems and try to work them out. I like some feed back...but men...become silent. Why do they do this.
Because Men are not like women and many women expect them to be. I want to think it over by myself; If I'm married and I come home and the day sucked, I dont want the first response from my wife to be so what happened at work today; you look stressed; lets talk about it. The last thing I'd want to do is talk about it. I want to get away from it.
I need a little space to unwind and if I want to talk about it I will. I dont want my work or other problems hovering over me like a dark cloud all day. I want to get away from the stress. Not jump into it deeper.
Most problems I can deal with myself and I do. I've always been a leader so thats what I do. If I get overwhelmed I can also talk to others about it but women want to force it and they are making a mistake.
Let me deal with problems in my own way. I'm not touchy feely and I'm not going to cry and need to be pampered. I just need a little space. The best thing a woman can do is be there when needed and realize that strong, independent men will call on them when needed. Otherwise just be there and give us space. We dont need to talk deeply about our feelings. Just need love, affection and care and it will all work out. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:34:56 PM | | Geeze, you made me feel so much better, Thanks. I DON'T know that's it's possible for him to come out of his cave in a few weeks. If I had that answer I wouldn't be looking for advice from kind hearted souls as yourself on this site. Nope, it won't kill me to wait a few weeks, did that, lost 14 pounds and slept a good 4 hours every night wondering what the hell happened.. He said "move on". In my humble opinion a man is only as good as his word. Why are you so harsh? I don't see where this behavior of "slamming doors" is beneficial to a relationship. I don't understand it, yet the more people I talk to the more I hear of it happening. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:54:18 PM | I don't think asking someone else to help carry the load, or to be there for them, is something that comes natural to a lot of men. It can be difficult for a guy to admit that he needs the help-and this isn't just when he's under a lot of pressure, it just becomes more apparent then.
That, or some of us just think...really......slowly........Girls, you know if that's your man, just give him a few more minutes and the light bulb might light up. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:07:19 AM | Most men want to solve things...it is their nature, they roll it around inside their heads and they decide what they feel is the best solution. Women want to consider every aspect of something. So when a woman is upset she will want to talk about it, and by talking the solution might appear, if not she might want to talk about it some more...that drives men crazy...they want it over and done with and the drama gone.
It is sorta like shopping...if a man needs a pair of pants for a social gathering..he walks in to his favorite place grabs the pair he likes, buys them and leaves...on to the next thing. A woman will go to every shop she can and try on things...she might end up with new shoes, new purse, new shirt and still need to go back out later on to find the pants. Not saying that all men shop that way ...but most do or that all women shop that way...but most do. Once a man has offered a solution to a woman at that point he doesnt want to hear about it again unless she has tried his solution and it didnt work. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:44:43 AM | ocrzyme01 (men this is female talk!):
when life happens, a lot of people will bail. others just "cannot talk about it". especially men. having a fourteen year old land on your door can be pretty stressful, let alone a male child looking for a male role model at the hormonal stages. having to raise him and have more than one job, is almost impossible if you want to raise him right. then there are probably stresses between your man and the ex. if he has custody, she should be giving the child support. all this is very stressful if you have to go to court or do whatever is needed in the transition, even having to think about it.
i am not sure why you got confused. as this is pretty obvious. imagine it the other way around and you were in his shoes. even if you talked about it, as i would as well, it doesn't mean it would just fix itself just like that. children are not all that cooperative and needing more than one job is way exhausting. i think you are just mourning the loss of just the two of you and not knowing what the changes long term would entail. doubt he knows that either.
i think if you truly love this man, you will give it some space and time and then call and see if the two of you can work something out. perhaps write an email, but read it for a few days before sending so it is not emotional, but logical. however, the real question for you, as opposed to him, is can you share him with this boy? is the boy resisitant to you? why/ how did his parents relationship break up and is there blame involved and guilt? maybe the boy just needs some time with his dad, that he hasn't had? any way you can help dad, so he can have time with you? do you really want to? many people want to be over raising kids.
at a certain point, the three of you would have to sit down and form agreements and name stages, if not able yet to be a team. but at this point, i imagine everyone is overwhelmed and stressed.
if you are an extrovert, by all means meet people. you don't have to assume that you must date, just because you join things. it is not clear from your last remarks as to what happened to which people and who he apologized to and who is doing well. him and the boy? or ex girlfriends who also felt abandoned by him?
i wish you the best. too often people couple and then the sh-t hits the fan with all aspects of life. this is the real test. on the other hand, some people just close the door on relationhips or just cannot give back enough. they just don't have it in them. this is the hard part. to decide what applies here. but the answer does not always come that quickly.
when i was in my late 40's, i thought i needed to find "him" fast. i did and ten years later came divorce number two. you cannot rush these things story book style. for some, it happens. but other good things are happening for you in other areas, i am sure. so just don't panic and make rash choices.
i never thought men were different than women. i worked "well" in a pretty much all male world. never much of a problem. but these men went home to their wives and i to my husband or male significant others when divorced. years later, i got permission to get the wives' perspectives as i began to finally realize that men and women indeed had some differences aside from the obvious! clearly these wives were married to different people altogether than the men i knew!
men at home and women at home let their hair down after a while. they really are very, very different and i just found that out about four years ago, so let me save you the grief. many books written on the topic. the goal is understanding and complementarity. this is different than opposites attract as underlying values and objectives are shared. but let's face it, the attraction is there if we are heterosexual and so despite having our best female friends, we still opt to sleep and to partner with men. so we cannot demand that they not be men. or vice versa. just to understand the differences and manage to hobble alongside each other. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:54:28 AM | I was reading in a book the other day.
Since 10,000 years ago men exist to solve problems. As cavemen our main problem was figuring out how to spear a moving zebra. Having been programmed as problem solvers since then, when we've got a problem we like to solve it ourselves. In fact its an affront to our manhood for anyone else to have input into our problems. Not only that when anyone else has a problem, instead of just being sympathetic, we're automatically in problem-solving mode and will give advice whether its wanted or not. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:20:14 PM | ocrezyme, sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad. But seriously, if you really love the guy, then just give him some time. A few weeks, even a few months won't kill you.
I realize he told you to move on, so you are trying to do that. But I think if you dig deeply you will find that either you didn't REALLY love him if you are willing to give up that quickly...or else you are trying to test him or somehow get him to see the light by dating around and letting him know it. Those are games that should not be played with someone you really love. Give him the space, see what happens. If he really is gone forever then so be it, move on. But honestly, A couple weeks is nothing if the love is real. | |
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| When men stress.....why do you guys want to isolate?
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:38:48 PM | | I know when I isolate it's because I need time to be by myself to vent at thin air, then focus and fix the problem. I don't want to sit down and do nothing but whine about a problem to somebody when I could be either using that time to fix it, or using it to entertain myself and forget about it until later. | |
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